Authors note: Hey guys so I realise this is incredibly angsty at the moment and the next couple of chapters will possibly be even worse but don't worry because there is some happiness on it's way for our characters... at least for now! :)
Rushing out of the lift I go in search of Bucky and Steve, I feel better than I had in weeks and like I finally had control over everything, Bucky was cured and no longer at risk of losing control and I was going to tell them. We were all a part of the Avenger's team now and I felt like there was a gap between us and it was my fault. They were best friends and they had each other but Steve said he was still my best friend too and Bucky had alluded to the same sort of thing and we were leaving for a mission in a few days, it should be with a clear conscience. I had to tell them how I felt, I knew they would reject me but at least I could feel that I no longer held any secrets between them. Rounding the corner I stop short, Steve and Bucky are just across the road but they are not alone agent Carter is with them, all of those insecurities flying back to me from the time she had been our neighbour and then my heart stops. My breath catches in my throat as she pulls Steve into a kiss while Bucky wolf whistles smiling widely and gazing lustfully at the woman, a strangled gasp escaping my throat and I curse myself as both super soldiers hear it even from the distance and turn to me, mouths open and I blink a couple of times before turning and walking, then running away.
I had known that it would hurt, being rejected, I just hadn't imagined that it would be this painful. I almost wish that I could go back to Hydra get them to erase my memories again, take away my knowledge of either of them, send me back to my life with Terry because it was easier. Of course, I knew now that I loved them, it had taken that for me to realise it and I hated it, so much I could barely breathe for the pain.
"Addi," Steve's voice is like a knife to my heart and I stuff my fist into my mouth to stop the sobs from breaking forth. He stays outside the door for hours as I sit against it rocking and crying and then Bucky takes over but I do not relent the pain is far too raw. I don't know what to do now.
"Addi, come on kid out now," Clint's voice is tired and concerned and I feel fresh tears well in my sore and swollen eyes as I hear it and so I stand on shaky legs and fumble with the lock letting the door swing open as I stand there staring at the ground. "Oh kid, look at the state of you, I'll kill those bastard men, super soldiers or not," he growls and it as if a switch has been pulled and I leap forward grabbing at him as he turns.
"NO!" I scream and he stops, I am just glad that I had long since experienced touching and therefore experiencing all the team's memories as I think I was too exhausted to withstand any more without collapsing. "Please Clint,"
"Look what they've done to you," he growls again but I tug him back to the bed and make him sit.
"Please Clint, it is not their doing," I say again taking a shuddering breath, "they have never done anything to make me believe that… they deserve to be happy,"
"And you think you don't?" he scoffs as he interrupts and I flinch a little.
"That's not what I meant, I… it will be better for the team this way, less complicated, I will be fine, I was being childish," I finish and he looks at me disbelievingly.
"Addi…"
"Please, I will be fine now," I cut him off and even as I say it I know it is not true, my heart, I feared, would never heal but I knew also that I would continue to function I always had before and I had friends here at least, a family.
"Okay," he sighs, standing and moving towards the door of my bedroom,
"Clint…" I say as he reaches the door and he pauses, "thank you," I whisper and he nods before leaving me alone again.
The next morning we leave for Europe, some Hydra base that is rumoured to hold Loki's sceptre, and as I get up and get dressed to leave I know that I look awful. My sleep has been, well, there hasn't been much of it and I am pale and tense. I had not seen either Bucky or Steve since that day, making Clint and Nat tell them all I was just a little ill.
Stepping onto the quinjet both Steve and Bucky look up at me tense and unsure, they know I'm not ill, and it breaks my heart again that they look so hurt that I am not talking to them and that makes me angry. Angry that I loved them too much to feel truly angry at them and angry that I loved them so much I just wanted them to be happy even if it broke me. I had fixed Bucky and I had helped to fix Steve and together they had broken me, ironic isn't it.
"I'm fine, feeling much better," I say quietly before either of them can speak and the fact that they don't say anything is enough to show me that they don't believe me and that they clearly don't share my feelings, well at least that removes all doubts I guess. The journey is quiet and tense and the mission goes off without a hitch, we get what we came for and we all get out, although Clint is injured. I sit with him on the journey home and I go with him and wait while the cradle fixes him, unable to join in the playful banter going on around me but listening none the less.
It's a week later when they are holding the party and Clint and Nat are forcing me to go despite the fact that I wanted to curl up and die but I knew that was selfish, being worried about me was affecting them all and they did not deserve it, after all they hadn't asked for her to fall in love with two super soldiers, all they had ever done was care for her and look after her and she owed it to them to be better. Standing in front of the mirror I sigh quietly, willing the, now for too present tears away, and take a deep breath as I step towards the apartment door and out to the lift. Bucky and Steve had headed up to the party an hour or so ago and it was time I joined them. My dress is a simple black one, that should cling to all my curves, I was too curvy, I always had been in my opinion but they were disappearing fairly quickly, one good thing about heartbreak is a loss of appetite, silver linings and all that. My hair is loose and waving naturally down to the bottom of my back, I really should get it cut soon, and my makeup is simple, enough to cover the dark circles under my eyes and some red lipstick. As I enter the party I studiously avoid Steve and Bucky as much as I can making sure I make polite conversation with the other guests.
Exhaustion is washing over me as the party dwindles down and I am so tired of avoiding the two of them that I finally decide that I should just speak to them and begin to rebuild our friendship. By now it is only the team left and so taking a final gulp of vodka and coke I turn from the bar and freeze as I see Bucky flirting shamelessly with Dr Cho. Hitching a little gasp I back silently away and jump in the elevator back to my room, how could I have been so stupid. I couldn't do this, I couldn't live here, with them and not have them, it was too hard, I had fixed them and now it was time to go. Getting to my room I throw my hair up into a messy bun and grabbing a bag begin to throw my belongings into it when an explosion nearly throws me off my feet.
Grabbing my gun I race to my front door but before I even reach it Tony's robots fly through the windows showering me with glass as they do so and begin to attack. I fight, hard, but I am on my own and not strong enough and when I freeze them I am only able to get to the door and wrench it open when a sudden pain radiates through my skull and everything goes black.