While you weren't going to complain about Gaster's sudden bout of physical possessiveness over you (quite frankly, you rather liked it), it did leave you in an awkward position. Your eyes flickered back to where your cane lay on the floor, leg giving a painful throb now that you were stuck holding it up to prevent putting too much body weight on it. Papyrus seemed forever oblivious to the entire situation, ranting his greetings at Grillby and apologizing for Sans' tab. Speaking of the short stack, he looked tense, the whites of his eyes having vanished. It wasn't anger, no, you recognized the sheer amount of stress he must be under right now—the tension in the room was rather thick.
Swallowing, you made to pull away from Gaster, but his arm tightened and pulled you harder against him. The awkward motion caused you to stumble, hissing in pain and throwing your arms around his waist to regain balance. "Fucker." It was a low whisper, just loud enough for him to hear it. Though all that seemed to do was amuse him, one of his fingertips taking to drawing circles with his fingertip against your shoulder. Grillby's flames gave an agitated sort of waver, looking just about ready to start a fight; if only because of the grimace on your now paler features. Glancing down at Lucifer, you pointed at your cane and closed your fist, and he was happy to fetch it for you. Leaning over as the dog held it up to you, fingers curling around the handle, you sighed in relief as you could finally alleviate some of the awkward pressure building in your hips.
"Look. Both of you need to stop antagonizing each other. I don't have the energy to be the adult in this situation. Papyrus, go play a video game or something with Sans, okay?" At the mention of his name, Sans seemed to snap out of his nearly dazed state. Just in time for his forever exuberant brother to drag him away into the living room, ranting about playing a game being a good idea. That, of course, the Great Papyrus had also just thought of. "...alright, now. I think we should have this discussion out on the back porch. Sans already worries too much about his father, and Papyrus doesn't need to be hearing any of what we talk about as it is." Shrugging Gaster's arm off your shoulder, you carefully made your way back to Grillby's side.
Much to the doctor's displeasure, expression back to being ice cold. You had to hold back a laugh when he frowned, turning away with what almost seemed like a huff as the fire elemental placed his own hand over your shoulder in the same fashion. Albeit it was a far more comforting and supportive motion as opposed to something overbearing and possessive. "...you can do this. He will understand. But...you have to be honest with him about how it makes you feel...and how you have been feeling. Your mental health is important and it's okay...to put limitations on what he is and isn't allowed to do...for your sake." With a final little squeeze, he gestured for you to lead the way out to the back after Gaster. You were grateful he agreed to come with you and support you, because you were positive this wasn't something you'd have been able to pluck up the courage to do alone.
When the two of you made it out, the other was already sitting at your patio table, coffee resting on it with his hands threaded together in his lap. Swallowing dryly, you sat down at the side of the table, and Grillby opposite Gaster. While you weren't entirely comfortable being between the two, it was probably for the best that neither got too close to the other. That would probably only result in one nasty fight. Awkwardly leaning back as you set your cane down, gesturing for your service dog to go do whatever dogs do in the yard, you found you couldn't quite talk. Your nerves were too frayed and this entire situation was far too intimidating for you to even begin to start.
Giving Gaster an apologetic sort of look, you looked at Grillby more pleadingly. Maybe if he started and got the worst of it over with, you would be able to come back in on the more personal details of things. Catching on to your situation, the fire elemental nodded, casting his own anger at the situation aside for the time being. Leaning forward with his elbows resting on the table, he sighed, flames wavering. "I don't think she is going to be able...to talk out loud about this sort of thing just yet. Allow me to...get the ball rolling, so to speak." One of his glowing hands passed through the flickering flames atop his brow, hesitating as he thought of how to bring it up in a way that would allow you to join in when you were ready.
"What you did before, while in the pursuit of whatever...answer you are seeking for our kind, was completely and totally...out of bounds. You caused [Y / N] to have a very severe mental...and emotional breakdown. It has caused problems that were already there to...intensify. If you continue without regard for her health, then you will end up...killing her. Perhaps not directly but it will be a reason...she may do something drastic. You cannot push someone in her situation but so far before...you risk something terrible taking place. You should know this...better than anyone, Doctor Gaster."
Sitting back, he looked over at you, and your gaze dropped to the table. Of course, you were now painfully aware of two sets of eyes settled on you, and your fingers twitched. You'd love to go roll a joint and forget any of this ever happened, but unless you stood up for yourself now, it wouldn't change. Settling for pulling your cigarettes out of your pocket and stealing Gaster's coffee (something he didn't protest, amazingly), you took a few more moments to recollect yourself before you began.
"Look. There's no point in lying to try and avoid judgment or pity anymore. I am suicidal. I have been for a very long time, something I'm sure you've kinda...picked up on here and there." Looking up at Gaster, you almost recoiled in shame. His expression, while stoic as ever, held some note of softness and he was watching you carefully. Unable to deal with that, your gaze dropped again, taking a sip from the mug you'd snagged from him. "...you read the diaries, Gaster. You...everything...everything, you know everything and..." Your shoulders quivered, opting for a long drag off your cigarette next.
"...I can't just...I'm not...look, I haven't been able to get over most of that stuff. I don't think I ever will be fully healed, nobody would be. Trauma leaves scars. And sure, scars can fade, but will always be there. I'm not ready, nor do I think I will ever be ready, for such an...intense approach to things. I'm just not. I can't deal with memories being thrown back at me, I can't deal with having things I've intentionally repressed suddenly opened back up, I can't...I can't..." Hands trembling, you leaned back, pointedly staring out into the yard to avoid looking at either one of them. Flicking excess ash away, you quietly smoked for a few minutes before you bothered to try talking again.
"...I'm really not that strong of a person, you know. I always feel like I'm barely managing to hang on, most days. My mind is a mess...my body likely won't last me too long. I have too many health problems and I do too many stupid things. Most of the time I don't think there's much of a point in continuing. Not when everything is always bad...always. My past was shit and no matter how hard I try to keep putting one foot in front of the other, there's always something else to drag me back down again. My health is always pretty terrible. Hell, I can't even catch a cold without ending up with pneumonia. I'm just not healthy in any sort of way and..."
Sighing, you managed to look back at the both of them, partly soothed by the fact both men seemed to have put aside their aggression towards one another for the time being. "Gaster, you can't do that to me again. If Grillby hadn't been around, if he hadn't come to get me when I called for help, I don't think I would have woken up the next day. I would have done something to myself if I hadn't had him and Fuku to keep watch over me and help me get back to myself. I still...am afraid I am going to do something to myself because of it. Having...so much thrown back into my face, I just..." You suddenly felt hollow, looking down blankly, mind whirring. It really was too much...it was all too much. But you could recognize this breakdown coming on, though you didn't quite feel the need to try and ignore it.
You wanted to cry. No, you needed to cry. Too much time and effort had gone into pretending you were fine, and it had only done more damage than not. Tears welled up and began to spill over your cheeks, and you snuffled a tad. "I want to die and I don't want to die at the same time. I want to die to get away from it all. All the memories and the pain, away from a life I know isn't ever going to go right for me. But I don't want to. I have friends that would miss me, I have you guys, I have Lucifer to worry about...dying would hurt people and I don't want to hurt anyone like that. There's people that depend on me and I don't want to let them down and..."
Choking, you began crying harder, hands coming up to cover your face as you sobbed.
"I want to keep waking up and h-having coffee, I wa-wanna be able to come downstairs and help Papyrus with his morning puzzles in the newspaper and I wanna keep b-be-being sarcastic towards you and I wanna play games with Sans and...and I wanna keep working with Grillby and coming over to visit him and Fuku and..." Gasping for breath as you cried, you pulled your knees up to your chest, hiding your face against them as well.
"I wanna get better and I can't get better if you keep hurting me, Gaster! I want to know what it's like to love being alive, I want to know what it's like to be gr-grateful for the air in my lungs, I want...I want to know what it's like to really want to be alive and...please...please don't make me live through my past again, I can't...not again, never again, I can't...if we're going to continue with your experiments then...then we need to figure something out. A safe word or something so you will stop when I need things to stop so I can recover and..." Shoulders sagging, you were somewhat aware of Gaster's chair shifting closer to yours, an arm settling over your back and the other stroking your hair. Oddly soft for him, but perhaps he was just trying to offer whatever comfort he could with him being the one who caused this whole mess to begin with.
"...I'm in your care, please take care of me. Grillby agreed to let me come home, but I'm not...it's not safe to not keep an eye on me. Not just yet. I haven't...gone back to hurting myself, but I want to. I haven't tried anything yet, but I want to. Please protect me, Gaster. I want to come home, I want to be here, but I can't unless you'll take care of me. So...please."
It hurt to say that much. Quite frankly, your pride and dignity were both in shattered pieces. It hurt to finally admit that you weren't capable of keeping yourself together anymore, though you knew it wasn't your fault. There were a lot of people who wouldn't have been able to PERSEVERE through what you had. You'd lived through hell and you weren't quite out of the woods yet, and this had been quite a setback for you. But you felt yourself being shifted over and into someone's lap, arms linked lazily around your curled up form. The lack of excessive warmth told you it wasn't Grillby who decided to keep you close while you tried to recover, and that fact set your heart to fluttering rapidly in your chest.
Figures, you were in breakdown mode and still wanted to jump Gaster. That's fine, you were fairly certain this was just more proof you were all sorts of fucked up, but it was fine. As the tears finally began to slow down, your eyes tiredly opened, limp against the monster's chest. Grillby was sitting pensively across from the two of you, giving you a nod before getting up and straightening himself out. Seems like the two men had a silent agreement going on, the bartender stepping closer to ruffle your hair before he left you in Gaster's care.
Silence fell for a while, your dog coming closer to lay at Gaster's feet, and you were just about ready to take a very much deserved nap. "I'm sorry things played out like this, Doctor Gaster, I should have tried talking to you first, but...I couldn't." Pushing away from his chest, yet remaining seated on his thighs, you shakily rubbed at your watery eyes. "I was scared of making you mad at me. I don't want you to be mad at me. Your anger is kinda...scary." That confession earned you a chuckle, squeaking as he moved you over back into your own seat. Fidgeting, you opted to mess with the hem of your shirt, back to being unable to look at him. Man, this was so awkward. Everything was awkward. But at least you'd managed it all well enough without letting the whole crush shebang slip. Lord knows how he'd use that against you.
"Testing will need to continue, you've had some time off, now. But I will do as you wish, and I will stop as necessary to allow you to catch your bearings. Perhaps I will start looking into how your soul reacts to more...positive stimulus. Come along." You hardly had time to react when he got back to his feet, taking his coffee mug with him as he disappeared inside. Already? Well, you can't say you were expecting much else out of him. But this was something comfortable, you had to admit. You were both work-a-holics in a sense, you couldn't very well blame him. After all, you were gone for a while, and you did still want to keep moving forward in whatever weird experiments he had in mind.
After all, if you could help figure out how to keep monster kind safe from any further incidents, you were more than willing to put your best foot forward. Still, it took you a moment to gather yourself before you were able to get back up onto your feet. Leaning on your cane and your dog close to your side, you made your way inside and down into the basement.
Well, you hadn't expected Gaster to start things off by giving you a checkup. Sitting stiffly on the metal table, your brows furrowed as he took your blood pressure in silence. "I, uh...what's this for?" You couldn't help but be curious, this wasn't something he was all that interested in before. Aside from the physical problems that weighed heavily on your soul, anyways. "Just testing a theory, that's all." Moving back and writing something down, a thermometer was stuck in your mouth, the monster waiting patiently for a few moments before it went off. Another series of notes taken, his clipboard set aside, and then he held his hand out to you.
Watching it and then looking at his face, you cautiously put your hand in his, and he helped you down from the table. Still, he kept your hand, the other hovering over your chest as he began coaxing that sickly little heart from inside of you. The hand holding and overall touchy-feely nature he'd adopted since the moment you returned had you a little on edge. Was he this possessive over all of his experiments? You hadn't really been gone that long, had you? Still, you opted to keep your mouth shut for now, looking at your cracked and mottled soul with a bit of forlorn expression. Not even your miniature vacation, filled with lots of love n' care from the two fire elementals, seemed to have made any difference. You didn't know why you were expecting any different. It would take so much more than just that to help start the healing process.
A relaxed hum pulled from your lips as one of Gaster's fingers traced over the center of it, that familiar warmth spreading through your veins. "Hey, is this something everybody does? I mean...this sort of thing kinda feels like it would be intimate for monsters." It was a genuine question on your part, and he glanced at you with a brief smirk. "It is intimate. After all, this is your soul I've been touching." Another stroke and despite how wonderfully pain free he managed to make you feel, you still gave him a glare. "I wanna see yours, then. Fair's fair." His finger paused before it crooked back in, giving your soul another slow sort of rub. "My, then this entire situation would be even more indecent." You knew it was just a tease being made on account of your ignorance, but it still caused your features to turn cherry red.
Though as you hadn't relented, he stopped, hand falling away from yours. "You're a stubborn little thing, child. But very well." Stepping back, allowing your soul to hover on its own in front of you, he took a moment. A deep breath in, palm open in front of his own chest, and he slowly began to extract his own. It took a few moments before it phased through him, hovering just as still as yours was. Lowering his hand, Gaster's expression was impassive, closely watching you as you stared at it. That couldn't be a healthy soul, there was no way it was.
While it was larger than yours, it held the same feeble quality. White and faintly beating, mottled with pure black cracks and seeming to ooze a black sort of tar. Small, white flecks that had broken away simply wavered next to it, giving off faint flickers of light on their own. But for the way it looked, you couldn't help but allow your hand to come up, palm hesitating just beside it. "...it reminds me of a black hollyhock, I have some growing in the garden, actually..." Slowly, you would trace your finger over its surprisingly smooth surface, completely missing the sharp inhale Gaster made in response. Both hands moved to cradle it carefully, as it were made of glass and any small mishap would hurt him, observing it with rapt interest. His soul was very...
"Gaster...your soul is beautiful." It was a soft, breathy exhale on your part, lips pulling up into a smile. He hadn't been expecting that, tensing and momentarily letting his uncaring facade slip as shock settled on his features. But you didn't see that, no, you were entranced with what he was allowing you to hold in your hands. "...hey, I'm going to do something weird, is that okay?" You hadn't confessed to him earlier, but this seemed like the time that you really should. When he said neither yes or no, you brought his soul closer to your face. With all the gentleness in the world, wishing him nothing but comfort and all the best despite what he'd done to you before, you pressed the softest kiss you could manage to the center of his damaged soul.
He went still, face garnering a good dusting of dark purple, and you still refused to look at him, holding that now rapidly beating heart back out to him. Without a word, he pressed it back into himself, and a very uncomfortable silence fell. Your own soul was flickering wildly with your nerves, and you found yourself wishing you knew how to shove it back in. Goodness knows it wasn't helping matters any. But even if you had somehow figured it out, it wouldn't have mattered. Gaster's hand would come to cup it again, his other finding purchase at your waist. Momentarily panicking, you looked up at him (though his blush had faded by then), fearful you'd done something dreadfully wrong. But instead, his thumb would move in a slight swirling motion over the center of that purple little thing, and your legs went weak.
Gasping, your hands would grip at the front of his sweater to try and maintain balance, a shiver making its way along your spine. The arm around your waist moved down, hoisting you up by bracing under your thighs. "I, uhm. Did I do something really bad, I didn't me—ah..." Your arms moved to cling to him, body pressed tightly against his own as he repeated that same motion. It was warm, but a different sort of warm. The kind that made your lower stomach feel tense, the sort that made you tremble as if you were cold. As he did it again, you ground your hips against his to cope with the almost desperate need he was inducing, panting as Gaster only chuckled. Stepping forward and resting your bottom on the same table he'd only just helped you down from, you let him lay you back on it, legs remaining loosely wrapped around his waist.
"Interesting..." It was another experiment, wasn't it? But it felt nice, and he had taken to rolling his hips to grind himself against you. One of your hands moved, gripping the side of the table, desperately moving with him. Figures your physical attraction to guy was being used, but it could still be considered positive stimulus. Likely not what either of you had in mind to begin with—well, no, he'd made it clear he wanted to see how you reacted to this sort of thing before. But not now, certainly not after that talk earlier. Though you felt no need to stop just yet, whimpering when his fingertip ghosted over your soul, now glowing just a tad brighter from being so worked up.
"Doctor, please—ahn, this isn't—mmh..." As you spoke, his free hand came to rest over your stomach, fingers splayed as he continued to rock his hips into you. Panting, your head lolled to the side, eyes closed as you felt his fingers work their way up to your chest. You were uncomfortably turned on already, able to feel the wet fabric of your panties rubbing against you each time he moved. Gaster paused, watching you for a moment, asking lightly, "do I need to stop? Am I going too far?" He allowed you to catch your breath, and you were more than slightly confused about all of it.
"I don't...um, is this...are you...okay, is this, uhm. Are you just trying to see how my soul reacts to this sort of thing? I mean, if you want to go ahead and get that test over with, then...ah, what I did, was that...did it, uhm. Did I...uh..." Well, now you just felt like a blushing virgin. How hard was it to ask if you'd accidentally turned him on and he was only reacting? But it seems he caught on to what you were trying to ask well enough, sneering before he leaned over, face to face with you. "Perhaps you did. But this is a bit more...I don't take kindly to others just taking what is mine from me." His head dipped, and you tensed as you felt something cool and wet swipe over your throat. "You were gone for quite some time, pet..." The hand that had been resting just below your breasts shifted upwards, easily covering one and giving it a brief squeeze. He laughed softly against your neck as your back arched, whining at him.
"You see, monsters leave something of a scent on those they claim. Perhaps I will be able to...discourage him from taking you away from me again. You are quite the interesting little thing..." Leaning back away from you again, you weren't able to catch sight of what you were certain was a tongue before. "Grillby isn't into me like that, Gaster. And I don't like him like that. He's a friend, and a very good one. If I want to go visit him again, you aren't going to be able to stop me." Part of you was fairly annoyed about the whole ordeal, but that was pushed to the back of your mind as he pressed your soul back into your chest. Instead, both of his hands came to grip your hips, pulling you forward so your ass was barely off the edge of the table.
Pushing himself against you, hard, his simple rutting resumed, and you were back to a panting mess.
"A-ah, stop." He did so immediately, watching your flustered features carefully. "I'm, uh...look. This. Uh, not in front of the dog. Lucifer's still down here. It's weird, and uh...I'm...okay. I have nothing against, you know, casual hook ups. It's all cool if someone is into that, I'm not judging. But I really don't want to end up attached to you, Gaster. I don't. I don't want to let you do whatever it is you're planning on doing to me when I know whatever does manage to come up between us certainly won't last. I don't think I'm your type, anyways." Sheepish, you looked away from him, embarrassed and unsure of how to really convey what you were saying. Just because you were into him didn't mean you'd let him screw you because he thinks he owns you. Even if you did kinda want him to do just that and own you. Damn kinks.
Gaster's fingers took to rubbing at your hips, processing for a moment. "Perhaps we could simply say this encounter is...I do believe you would say 'no strings attached'? Human sayings are strange. Besides... I have read your diaries. I know quite a few things about you." He had a point, he probably knew all of your gross secrets. "Wouldn't it be nice to just let me take care of you? If I recall, you rather...like the idea of being spoiled. Fucked hard, and doted on the rest of the time. I must say, I'm quite fond of that myself." Gaster allowed you to scoot back a bit and set up, timidly staring up at him from behind your lashes. "Stop using my kinks against me, dude, not cool." Without any sort of real agitation behind it, you lightly pushed at his chest, but you hadn't unhooked your legs from around him yet. You were a grade A trashy masochist, no sense denying it. Part of you knew it was probably some weird way of coping with your past and your current predicament. But when it came to pain that you did get to have control over, it was a turn on.
"...I just don't want to like you any more than I already do. I don't want to give anybody anymore chances to hurt me. After everything we've just gone through from before and just in general..." You had looked away from him, though he would turn your face back towards his own. "I don't think I'd be able to handle any sort of relationship, Gaster. Even if we were just really weird friends with benefits. It wouldn't last and I'd be hurt again. I can't take but so much before I break. Besides...I don't think you like me the way I like you. I think you just want to own me." But you still didn't stop him when he leaned in close, nipping at your neck. Your arms would wrap around his shoulders, head lolling back as your eyes closed again.
"Mmh..."
The monster laughed at your throat, hands moving to slip up the back of your shirt, intent on unclasping your bra. As you made to raise your arms so he could pull both articles of clothing off of you, the sound of the basement door opening and someone coming down the steps stopped you both. Squeaking, you hurriedly slid back away from him, fixing your attire and hair, whereas Gaster seemed to step behind the table to hide his lower half. Man, you were both acting like guilty teenagers. The thought caused you to have to muffle a laugh, though you were still smiling when Sans finally got to the bottom of the stairs and strolled in.
You weren't sure if you should be relived or angry about the interruption, but the sour expression on Gaster's face finally made you laugh, turning away from the both of them as you giggled.
Okay, seeing him look like he'd just bit into a lemon was worth it.
[an] : look at this. an update that didnt take a whole month to do. im proud of myself, pff. okay, this update did come in pretty fast. but i just felt bad for taking so long with these last two chapters. not sure how quickly the next one will be done. i had fun with this one, and especially with getting tension set up between those two. as always, please do leave a review! i very much enjoy reading them.