Imaginary Love

Chapter 11: Like Lovers Do

Music: Imaginary Love by Rufus Wainwright and Here Comes the Rain Again by the Eurythmics

Author's Note: This is the first week of Kakashi's month off. The story picks up right where Ch. 10 left off. Sorry, Iruka's a little mood-swingy in this chapter.

Disclaimer: No-brainer.

Iruka's POV:

I could still feel his lips: soft, smooth and sure. He was unbelievably gently and careful and it seemed like he did his best to make sure I didn't feel foolish. But what I couldn't get over was his face. It seemed like a secret treasure and only I knew that. His face was…beautiful. That was the only way to describe it. All the features were perfect and fit together so wonderfully. Not only was I in awe…I felt slightly inadequate. I have never been a pretty boy. At the most, I was awkwardly cute.

I sighed when I heard the door open, "That was fast."

"Told them I had more important things to do." He smiled at me and squeezed my hand. He used his other hand to pull down his mask and flashed a toothy grin at me.

"Well what do we do now?" I asked.

"Heal." Kakashi said lightly, never letting go of my hand. "Love."

"Love?" I asked.

"Yes, Ruka." Kakashi smiled nervously. "Unless….you're not ready…"

"No…it's not that." I whispered. I wanted him just as much as he wanted me. It was more than physical or sexual, it was a desire to feel loved in everyway possible. I dreamed of moments like that; moments that weren't tainted. I kissed his cheek lightly in an attempt to reassure him but it didn't work.

"I can wait." He said, searching my eyes. But I couldn't hold his gaze. Kakashi has a look in his eyes…like he's trying to peer into your soul and you're afraid that he won't like what he sees. I averted my eyes and instead pulled him into a tight embrace, hoping that answer would be sufficient enough. "What is it, love? If it's not….that…what's bothering you?"

A bunch of things! I wanted to say. I was afraid that I wasn't good looking enough to be his partner…or not experienced enough. I was afraid that once I decided to give myself to him, he would look at me like damaged goods. I was afraid that I would do something wrong, because I had never been in a relationship before. I was afraid, dammit.

But the fear went away for a bit when his lips covered mine in a brief kiss. "I can hear you thinking." He poked my forehead with a finger. "What are you thinking about?"

I didn't have the heart to tell him all of my apprehensions. Getting to this place had been hard enough and I wanted us both to remain in the happiness of being in love. Even though I was in love I didn't feel entirely safe. I kept waiting for someone to step in and say this was all a figment of my imagination…or even worse, a joke. "Nothing." I muttered.

"Who's the liar now?" He murmured in my ear. I blushed and he finally changed the subject. "What do you want to do for dinner? I hear Kurenai and Asuma are here…." He watched my reaction. I didn't especially want to double date, not yet or maybe even never. "Ok…what about eating with the kids?" He mock-cringed.

"Well, sure. I don't mind the kids." I shrugged. Kids are much easier to deal with than adults. They are accepting, simple-minded and carefree, for the most part…I don't think I can say that for Sasuke and Naruto who have had their unfair share of grief.

"Ok. Would you like to eat here….your place…or somewhere else?" Kakashi asked.

"Here…remember I'm sleeping over?" I flashed him a grin.

He chuckled. "Yeah we can paint each other's nails and I can braid your hair."

While, Kakashi busied himself in the kitchen I went to find the kids and bring them over. I hadn't seen them in a while and it was (usually) a pleasure to see their faces. Especially this group. Every team seemed to have brooding teenagers—it was just that age…but this group had experienced awful hardships.

I knocked on Sasuke's door first since he lived the closest. After a minute or two I heard a groan and he opened it. I waved and said hello. He grunted. "Would you like to eat dinner with me?"

"Already ate." He mumbled.

"Would you like some company then?" I asked cautiously not trying to force him into anything.

He didn't say anything for a bit and then looked at me with his hard cold eyes, "No."

"Well, I'll be at Kakashi's if you want to stop by!" I said and waved goodbye.

The next house was Sakura's. Her parents were home, I could see them from the window. They looked like a happy couple. Sakura was picking at the food on her plate. I sighed…well, I wasn't going to interrupt their dinner.

Naruto was last. Naruto and I had an odd relationship. I had known him since he was an infant but I didn't warm up to him until he was around three.

//Flashback//

"Demon fox, you get out of my store!" I heard a plump lady scream, chasing out a small blond child with large blue eyes. I knew that most people ignored the so-called demon fox but I had never seen anyone actively hate the kid.

I walked over to where Naruto was sitting in the dirt and shot a glare at the lady who just turned up her nose and left. I bent down to check on the little kid. He was shaken but he wasn't crying. "Hey, hey….it's alright."

"Yoor not scawed of me?" He whimpered, looking more scared of me than anything else. I shook my head. "She haz candy." Then he grew real quiet, got up and started walking away.

"Hey, kid!" I called after him. He turned around slowly. "I'll get you some candy. Hold on a second." I ran into the store and bought whatever I could get my hands on the fastest. When I was done, I handed him the candy and was thanked with a warm smile.

"I wike thiz kin'." He said and offered me a piece. It was some strawberry flavored thing that melted on the tongue. "I'm Nawooto."

"I'm Umino Iruka." I ruffled his hair and waved goodbye. After a few minutes, I turned around and was slightly surprised to see Naruto following me. "Hi." I said nervously. I saw the looks I was getting from the people around me. And yes, at first I was nervous but then I became defiant. Who the hell are they to be this cruel to a baby?

"Iwuka-senpai…" He began to ask something but then was cut short.

"Is this the demon fox? He doesn't look frightening." I heard a voice, soft and impassive. I turned to look; it was Uchida Itachi and his younger brother Sasuke. Itachi had recently graduated from the academy at the top of his class.

"Don't call him that." I said through gritted teeth. Something in me had connected with this child. Something in me felt a need to protect him.

Iruka stared at me. The look wasn't glaring or remorseful, it was completely neutral, as if he couldn't care less about anything. "I apologize."

Slightly nervous, I offered my hand to Naruto and we both walked away from the Uchidas. At some point, I turned around to look back. Itachi had moved on, now conversing with the ANBU leader, Hatake Kakashi. I sighed some relief.

"Where awe we goin'?" Naruto asked me as we darted past a street corner.

I grinned at him, "Would you like some ramen?"

//End Flashback//

"What are you doing here, Iruka-sensei?" I was not greeted with the usual warmth but instead by a pissy Naruto.

"Well, hello to you too. Wanna have dinner at Kakashi's place?" I asked.

"I don't care." He sighed.

"Something wrong?" I asked, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. If you haven't already guessed, I'm a very hands-on person.

He sighed again. "Sasuke's being cold to me again." I expected him to be angry or pissed but he seemed genuinely hurt.

For a brief instant, I wanted to roll my eyes at his comment.. Isn't Sasuke always like that, to everybody? But perhaps, this kid, somehow got past the Uchidas barriers. I had to wonder. After all, it was possible. Neji was now much more amiable after befriending Naruto.

"Hey, dumbass." I heard a voice behind me and recognized it as Sasuke's. "Are you going to Kakashi's or not?" Immediately, Naruto brightened.

"I bet I can beat you there." Naruto puffed out his chest.

"I'd like to see you try." Sasuke smiled—if only for a brief moment. And then, they were off!

I took my time getting to Kakashi's. The night air was chilly and I rubbed my hands together to keep warm. I needed time to think. Had we, Kakashi and I, put the cart far ahead of the horse? Were we moving too fast? It had felt right at the time—too right. But now, I realized that I didn't know too much about Kakashi and vice versa. Had we forced intimacy with no real foundation? God, I hoped not.

When I made my way inside and I greeted with surprise. "It's not like you to be late." Kakashi said through his mask.

"Well I got lost on the road of life…" I chuckled. "What's for dinner?"

"Fish…" Naruto said in between bites.

I sat down at my place. Naruto was the only one eating and suddenly I was not hungry. "I'll do dishes."

"Not hungry?" Kakashi narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah. I'll eat later." I said and began to put away the leftovers.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked sternly.

"Nothing…" I sighed. "Everything is damned peachy." I caught a glimpse of the kids' faces. It was the look any kid got when they say their parents fighting. And I guess, this was no exception. Naruto seemed to levitate from the table and exited the room, taking Sasuke with him.

"How can help you if you don't talk to me?" He said quietly and I saw the hurt in his eyes. I wanted to reach out to him and hold him and say that I loved him.

"What am I supposed to say?" I asked.

"The truth!" He didn't yell for the kids' sake. He knew that their ears were pressed against the paper-thin walls listening to every word possible.

"I want everything to be alright." I said emotionlessly.

"I want that too." He reached out to touch my cheek. "I love you."

"Why?" Tears filled my eyes unexpectedly and I blinked frantically to keep them from falling. "I'm worthless." I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of tears falling down. Then I felt his lips claim mine and I sighed with relief. He still loved me. That much was certain. He pulled away after a moment and took my hand in his.

He brought it to his lips and kissed it and then he put it against his chest. Through the thin fabric I felt the steady beat of his heart. "Do you feel that? My heart beats for you. I was dead till I loved you. You are not worthless."

"Kashi!" I cried and embraced him tightly. He sighed and held me close too. I wanted to crawl inside of his chest and never, ever leave.

"Now, my little one…should we send the kids away…?" A smile tugged at his lips and I blushed.

"Aw…man!" Naruto whined, walking back in the room. "I haven't even finished." Kakashi turned away and slipped his mask back over his face.

"Well, then. Finish." Kakashi said.

"Kakashi-sensei, is it true you have the month off?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes."

"I see." Sasuke sighed and crossed his arms. "Naruto…let's get going. It's obvious that they want to be alone." Naruto whined as Sasuke dragged him out by his collar.

Kakashi chuckled. "Iruka."

"Yes."

"Let's get some sleep." He held my hand and led me to the bedroom. We got ready for bed (undressed, brushed our teeth…etc) before getting comfortable under the blankets. Kakashi rolled over on his side and spooned me. It was so comforting, feeling him breathe. "I love you." He whispered and I closed my eyes.

There were hands. A laugh. And then blood. It was cold, so cold. It was as if I couldn't see but I knew everything that was happening… "I see you're still innocent." I opened my mouth but no noise came out. There was nothing. No air. No light. I felt as if I was falling.

"Iruka!" Kakashi was over me, shaking me. "Wake up, damn it!" I blinked open my eyes and gasped for air. "Oh thank god." He pulled me against his chest.

"What happened?" I was surprised by how hoarse my voice sounded.

"Nightmare." Kakashi let go and sat up. "I was told these would happen."

"Hmm?" I said, my head still whirling.

"After trauma…some people have nightmares." Kakashi said, looking down.

"Oh." I sighed and tried to brush it off. I didn't want him worrying too much about me. "Well it's over now…let's go to sleep."

"Don't you….don't you want to talk about it?" He asked, his eyes pleading.

"There's nothing to talk about. It was a nightmare. Everybody gets those." I said as sternly as possible but my voice cracked midway.

"You don't have to go through this alone…let me in." He said softly.

I nodded and fisted my hands in the sheets. "I just want to get some sleep."

"Okay." He said and I could tell he was unsatisfied. But I didn't want to have to deal with my feelings. If I kept them as far away from me as possible, they couldn't hurt me. At least, that was the plan.

But I needed to reassure Kakashi. I kissed his cheek and then snuggled against him. "Believe in me."

"Always, my love." He murmured.

A/N: I've already begun writing Ch 12…so that should be out soon. Enjoy!