Cas,
You can't decide where you belong. You go from being the angel on my shoulder to soldier of heaven in the blink of an eye. I'm being told to give up and become Michael. I'm supposed to just give up on my entire life and let your brother take over to take down Lucifer.
Before I went to hell there was no such thing as angels. I wish there wasn't. I don't want to be part of some divine plan. I don't want to be the vessel to some dickwad angel. I don't want any of this. I didn't ask you to save me from hell. I didn't even used to pray at all, let alone believe in any religion.
I pray to you and you alone and you don't have any answers for me.
-DW
Cas,
You told me to stop Sam. I have to try before you do something. I don't know how to get my brother back before you decide time's up. You don't know him. You don't know what we've been through. I can fix this. I will fix this. Just don't hurt him.
-DW
To Cas,
Apparently I'm an asshole. Did you know that punishment for being an asshole is dying of fear? I'm glad you weren't there to see me like that. I wish no one had been there to see me like that. It's not like I can forget it either. I remember all of the fear and anxiety and itchy creepy crawly feelings.
I'm not afraid of the closet anymore but I was. I don't know what I thought was going to come out of there. When I started coughing up wood chips I was scared of choking to death. When I got the rash on my arm I wanted to go to the hospital but I was afraid the only answer would be amputation. I was afraid to do anything and I was afraid of doing nothing.
If you had been there, could you have done anything? Would you have done anything?
At the end, I saw Sam's eyes go yellow. I saw him become the demon who had given him blood and killed Mom. I wasn't afraid of the fact that he was choking me as much as the fact that I couldn't shake the feeling that it was real and it wasn't a hallucination. I couldn't save him from anything. He asked me what I saw. I still can't shake the feeling so I lied. I keep lying. I wish I wasn't. He's lying too.
-DW
Cas,
Dad didn't keep a lot of books around. Most of the books we needed were with Bobby. Once in awhile he would leave Sam and I alone in a hotel room while he went hunting. I used to find Vonnegut books. Sam would sleep and I would keep watch but when keeping watch meant sitting alone in the dark, I would read what I could find. I read and reread every book my dad owned. Sometimes I'd give up on his twisted selection and read the bible that every hotel has in the top drawer of the end table.
I think he was used to traveling in a succinct manner because of the war. They didn't get to bring books with them. He was spoiled by Mom. Living in a house with things and not traveling all over the place, he grew attached. He had a small bag of his clothes where he kept his Anna Nicole Playboy and at least one Vonnegut book. He would switch out the books every so often after dropping us off or picking us up from Bobby's.
When Sam started dreaming about college, I would let myself privately share his dream. I couldn't have it but I would dream of it anyway. I wasn't a star student. I wasn't top of my class without trying like Sam. I read privately and didn't do book reports. I read by the light of the streetlamp outside out hotel room while I kept watch over Sam. Sam read. Sam studied. Sam got yelled at and ridiculed by our father. Sam was a star child at school and Bobby taught him about researching all of the things that go bump in the night. Sam was brought up to read and do research and I was brought up as a soldier.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I met Jimmy. I met his wife. I met his child. You wore a family man for a year. You took a husband and father away from his family. I watched Jimmy plead with you to leave his daughter and to take him back.
I knew it wasn't your vessel that mattered to me when I found him. I searched his eyes and there was nothing of you in them. There was nothing in his face or voice or way he tied his damn tie. It wasn't hard for me to tell Sam that I wanted Jimmy to go back to his family. Looking at him was a reminder that you were missing. He had your hair and your eyes but your spark wasn't in them. You were gone.
I watched him get shot and I felt it as I watched him fall. I watched as he talked through blood and it hurt. I also don't believe a word you said to me that you serve heaven and not man. You can say that you don't belong with Sam and I but I saw your eyes come to me when you hopped back into your Jimmy suit. I watched your eyes come to me. Not his daughter. Not his wife. Me. You can go on pretending heaven is your top priority but it's clearly not.
-DW
Dear Cas,
I swore my obedience but it was to you. Not anyone else, human or angel. I swore to you and you didn't even notice.
-DW