Summary: Five years have passed since Edward left Bella in the woods. Both Bella and the Cullens' have experienced great tragedy since they last saw each other, but what happens when they meet again, and what is the meaning of the prophecy? Bella OOC. BxJas
Warning: Rated M for a reason. Violence, language, graphic drug use, suicidal themes, and eventual lemons.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. Stephanie Meyers owns all rights.
A/N: A huge thank you to jdcoke for your help editing my story. You're the greatest!
A/N # 2: Someone asked in a review how old Jasper is. I thought I remembered that he was 20, but I went back to Eclipse and he was only 18 when he was changed. But since I'm the one writing this story, I am using my creative license to make him 23 just because I don't like younger men. LOL. It didn't seem quite right to make him older than Carlisle, but this way Jasper, Carlisle and Bella are all the same age.
Previously: BPOV
I was on the very edge of sleep when I whispered, "I miss her so much, Jazz. I was supposed to protect her."
"Who, Bella?" he whispered.
"My daughter," I breathed. Jasper pulled me even closer and sent me a wave of love and peace and I finally drifted away.
Chapter 11 – Hot lips
JPOV
Her daughter.
Now I think I have an idea why she had such rage every time she mentioned her newly deceased ex-boyfriend. It was why I didn't feel even a hint of regret or guilt after she killed him. It was why Rose and Esme had been grieving since they got back home. There was so much grief, guilt, and anger radiating through the house from the women, and confusion, and concern coming from Carlisle and Emmett. They were comforting their wives, but they were unaware of what was wrong and how to fix it, so they continued to simply offer their comfort.
I had originally thought that she had finally shared what actually happened to her parents. I knew it was no gas explosion. Her emotions, however muted, clearly showed she was lying, although it was a well-rehearsed lie. Actually a lot of what she had given as explanations for her past were lies, or at the very least, partial truths. Most it was told as a joke though. I think it was obvious to the others as well that she was hiding things, but nobody pushed her. She would tell us when or if she was ever ready to.
I can't believe how much everything has changed over such a short amount of time. Here I am lying in bed, cuddling with Bella Swan while she sleeps. It's only been a week since we found Bella again, and the emotions in the house are almost out of control. Everyone is obviously concerned about her. She's using drugs and not just marijuana, but opium, and prescription narcotics as well. When she had her little 'drug box' out when I was at her house I smelled residues of several other hard drugs also. She feels guilty, but her emotions are unstable; and she uses the drugs to deal with the pain, and insecurity. I understand that. I really do. At some point though, she will need to actually deal with things. Although I had to admit movie night was a blast. Everything was much funnier to her, and I shared her amusement with the rest of the room. Movies are much more humorous that way, or would be if it wasn't a life-threatening chemical substance responsible for it.
Last night, she didn't smell like any chemical substances, and I didn't smell anything as I nonchalantly walked around her house. Maybe she had decided to abstain again. Emmett and I found her 'drug box' in the shed when we were looking for something that might help cover up the blood in the grass; but the only thing that was in the box was a dozen prescription narcotics. With her history of accidents and such it was probably a good idea to have some on hand. I took the fact that they were in the shed rather than the house to be a good sign that she was trying to stay sober.
I knew that our return was stressful on her, but I was excited to find out that she was still alive. I just would hate, for our presence in her life to be a motivator, for more reckless behavior. She may, for some unfathomable reason, be unable to die, but she still had to take care of her body. It seemed that while her body healed itself from trauma, it didn't seem to heal itself from neglect. She needed to take better care of herself. She wasn't eating enough; the drugs needed to go, she needed…happiness. We had discussed it as a family, and we were going to do our best to be the family she needs, while being careful to not overwhelm her. Honestly we need her just as much as she needs us. We had so much fun, and there was so much life in the house when she was in our lives. She made us feel alive again.
I kept an eye on Bella's injuries as she slept. Even seeing her healing as I watched, I still had a hard time believing it. Her face was less swollen and the bruising looked at least three or four days old rather than one day old. I wanted to look at her neck but, of course, it was covered by bandages. I still had trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that she was still human, but healing like…that. I was hoping that Carlisle would have some success finding out more information about the prophecy.
I'm still trying to figure out how she is masking her emotions from me. It's obviously a conscious effort on her part, maybe related to her ability to keep Edward out of her head. I had always kind of figured it was a fluke that he couldn't hear her, but maybe it really is more of a gift. I have never met anyone, human or vampire, that has had more control over her emotions. It takes a lot of conscious effort, and there are times she seems unable to find her numbness, her apathy, but she has more control than anyone I've met before. I hadn't felt more than a minute or two of amusement from her. No real happiness. I'd seen a couple small genuine smiles, but nothing like before. Her eyes didn't sparkle like they used to. Her expressions and emotions were all so guarded. She felt her emotions so strongly that I figured she needed the numbness simply in order to survive. As I thought of it, I realized she was feeling grief, and fear as she slept; so I sent her another wave of love, and calm, and she settled back into a restful sleep.
It was fun joking with her. We had a similar sarcastic sense of humor, so we got along well that way. I was somewhat surprised that she didn't blush so much anymore, even when I was making suggestive comments. I was hoping to embarrass her a little, make her blush like she used to, but I found I liked it even more when she responded in kind. It makes me feel…normal again being around her. She's kind and thoughtful, but it doesn't feel like she's walking on eggshells around me anymore. There isn't any pressure. Our interactions are generally either laid back or playful, and both are a welcome reprieve from what it's been like since Alice died.
I do have to say I surprised myself when I asked her if she wanted me to sleep next to her. She joked about it, but I could feel her lust underneath it all, which, of course, only fueled my own. I shouldn't be feeling like this, should I? I'm really not interested in, or ready for a new relationship. I really want Bella as a friend, but I am a man after all, and she has definitely grown up. I reached down to adjust myself. I was getting hard, just thinking about it. Maybe this whole cuddling thing was a bad idea, but she was so warm…
I felt Bella's lust increase, and realized I was probably projecting. I tried to reign it in, but then she ground her hips into me. I could smell her arousal which was amazing, but it was her little moan that was my undoing. She opened her eyes and looked into my eyes. We watched each other for about five seconds before we leaned in toward one another, our lips meeting. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. The warmth of her lips moving with mine, her taste...it was…nothing short of amazing. Her emotions completely opened up to me. If I wasn't already lying down, I probably would have fallen over from the intensity of it. Our kisses were so full of passion. Finally Bella had to pull away. It would be so much easier if she wasn't human and didn't have to breathe. That thought stunned me. Who knew if she would still want that life? 'Okay, definitely moving too fast here.'
"I'm sorry, Jasper," Bella said when she caught her breath.
"Please don't be sorry, Bella," I said, kissing her soft lips one more time.
"I'm not sorry," she panted when we broke apart again. I could see the fire in her eyes.
"Good," I responded. She reached up and cupped my cheek and kissed me again softly. Several minutes later, we broke apart again. I knew we needed to stop or we wouldn't be able to.
"Jasper, I don't know what's going on, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship right now," she whispered with sadness in her voice. She bit her lip nervously. I didn't think she had any idea what that gesture did to me, and men in general. It was just so fucking sexy. I looked back to her eyes, trying to keep myself under control.
"I'm not ready for that either, sugar, but I don't regret this for a second," I said softly. She relaxed against me cuddling up again. I could feel her relief.
Relief? She was relieved that I wasn't interested in a relationship? First she said that she was sorry and then she feels relief? Well, that sure makes a man feel good about himself. At least there wasn't any regret mixed in, but what did the relief mean?
"Jasper?" Bella finally said after several minutes of uncomfortable silence.
"Yes?"
"What's wrong?" she asked. I could suddenly feel a stabbing pain of insecurity, rejection, and worry before she covered up her emotions once again. I had just made things worse.
"Why were you sorry and then feeling relief?" I blurted out. At least she'd figure out quickly that she wasn't the only one feeling insecure. God, I'm becoming such a pussy.
"I don't know. I thought that I was maybe influencing your emotions, but it's really not my fault that you are a sexy man, and it's been a really long time," she said with a light laugh. "Then the relief, um…I'm not ready for a relationship, but I don't want you to feel badly because of that. I just need to figure out what the fuck I'm doing. I was relieved that you said you weren't ready either, so there's no pressure," she said. She took a deep breath and sighed. The surge of her unique scent hit me and it really hit me how much I had changed. A couple years ago it would have made it nearly impossible to resist draining her; now, it made it nearly impossible for me not to jump her right then and there. I groaned and adjusted myself as discretely as possible.
With the change of direction in my thoughts, I had to think back to what we were talking about. "Oh," I said, lamely. Then felt another wave of lust coming from her.
"I'm sorry!" she said, quickly. "I don't really have the best control of myself right now. I realize that I'm full of contradictions right now. I just can't decide how I feel about anything."
I reached out and touched her cheek gently. "There it is. I've missed that blush of yours," I admitted and she flushed an even brighter shade of red.
"Sugar, I can still feel your fatigue. Would you like help getting back to sleep?" I asked. She nodded and I slowly increased calm and fatigue so that just moments later she was asleep.
I could still feel her warm lips on mine. I could still taste her on my tongue. I wanted more. I wanted all of her. I wanted to feel those hot little lips of hers wrapped around my dick. I wanted to show her what my gift could really do in the bedroom. I could give her the best orgasm of her life without even touching her. Did she have any idea what she was doing to me? I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to turn her and be with her forever.
What the fuck am I doing? Do I want a relationship with her? Fuck me. I think I do.
BPOV
It was bright in the room when I woke up, but still pretty early. I grabbed another pillow and covered my head with it trying to get back to sleep. It was weird. I hadn't had a full night's sleep in years until the Cullens showed up. It was wonderful being able to relax and actually get rest. I could actually use sleep as an escape rather than a prison where I couldn't escape my nightmares. I figured that Jasper was probably primarily responsible for my ability to relax.
Oh, shit. I'd momentarily forgotten what happened last night. I made out with Jasper. I enjoyed it. I really fucking enjoyed it. What the hell was I doing? He had just lost his wife and mate. I'm not interested in a relationship either. Am I? I don't know. Why was he gone when I woke up? Was he upset with me? Did he regret it?
I had also forgotten at the time that we were in a house of vampires with enhanced hearing. I wondered if everyone knew, or if they had been distracted by their significant others at the time. It's not like I was planning on getting involved with him. It was a spur of the moment thing. What would they think?
I gave up trying to get back to sleep, so I got up and got ready for the day. Esme was waiting with a vegetable omelet for me and a glass of orange juice. I could smell the coffee, but it was still percolating.
"Esme, you are spoiling me rotten," I said with a smile as I sat down at the table.
"That's my job," she responded with a smile. "Besides, you need a little spoiling, Bella." I rolled my eyes, but smiled.
"Carlisle and I were talking about the prophecy last night and there is a human friend of mine that I would like you to meet. She is a member of the gardening club I just joined. I heard some of the others gossiping about her and I don't know if all of it is true. I do know that she is a practicing Wiccan. She has the reputation for being eccentric and…I'm not sure how to explain, but the gossip made it sound like she has episodes similar to Alice. There is something about her that leads me to believe that she is something more than an average human woman." I did not miss how her voice wavered as she said Alice's name.
"She owns a bakery in town, and I was thinking we could go in for breakfast sometime later this week, or next week after you've healed a little more. I am not sure how to approach her about it, without making myself appear suspicious or sounding like I'm part of the gossip mill." Esme looked entirely flustered.
"We'll just wing it, Esme," I said. I was pretty sure the woman would end up being either the victim of small town gossip, or just a complete quack, but I was willing to give it a try. Esme had such a look of concentration, I couldn't refuse her offer of assistance. However, I wasn't sure that I really wanted to know more about the prophecy.
"Why do you feel so much dread?" I jumped and my heart took off when I heard Jasper's voice behind me.
"Jasper!" I yelled. He just chuckled and sat down in the chair next to me.
"Sorry about that, Bella. I didn't mean to sneak up on you," he said in a sweet southern drawl.
"You're not sorry," I stated as I resumed eating.
"Not really. It just seemed the appropriate thing to say," Jasper said laughing. "Now back to my question. Why do you feel so much dread at talking about meeting someone that may be able to help?"
I groaned. "Well Jasper," I said grinding my teeth, "I don't want to find out that she's a fake. I don't want to hear that she thinks I'm crazy. I also don't want to hear that there really is something to this, because I am positive it will only lead to more bad news. I think I might just prefer my current method of coping with the situation which is avoiding the subject altogether."
"Better to know what you're up against than to find yourself blind when trouble comes looking for you," Jasper said, wisely.
"If trouble is coming to me either way, why worry about it now? Might as well make myself as happy as I can with the time I have before the trouble comes," I responded.
"Being prepared you can fight the trouble when it comes, or unprepared you can be ambushed and taken down easily."
"Why do it now when you can put it off until later?" I came back with. It may not have exactly fit in with the subject we were debating, but at least it closed the subject when both Jasper and Esme burst out laughing. I could hear Carlisle chuckling as he came around the corner and into the kitchen, carrying his black medical bag.
Esme took my dirty dishes from me and handed me a cup of steaming coffee. "You are so thoughtful Esme. You even added my favorite hazelnut creamer," I said with a smile. She really did take notice of me.
"I knew that you liked it," she said simply.
"Bella, if you are up for it, I would like to look at your injuries from last night. We should also change the dressings," Carlisle said. I nodded and he got to work. He looked over the cuts on my face. They looked at least a week old, though the bruising was still quite bad. They itched quite a bit, but there wasn't much pain from those cuts. The cheekbone that was probably at least cracked, was well on its way to being mended. My ribs still hurt, but it could have been worse. It was when Carlisle got to my neck that he looked stunned.
"Bella, this cut looks two weeks old. I would like to wait for the end of the day before removing the stitches, just in case the healing is uneven in the different tissues. The bruises still look rather fresh, but the more serious the injury, the quicker it's healing. This type of healing is completely out of my expertise and I don't want to take any risks by taking out the stitches." He sounded like he was more talking to himself than me. "Bella, this is truly amazing."
"Happy to entertain you, Carlisle," I responded with a straight face.
He looked at me completely horrified. "I don't mean…I mean…I didn't intend for it to sound like that. I just…"
I burst out laughing. "Don't worry Carlisle. I meant it as a joke. I know you are a doctor, a scientist at heart. I'm happy to indulge your curiosity," I said patting his hand. If he could blush, he would be bright red.
"Right," he responded in a sheepish voice.
"We just don't want to offend you, Bella. You have every right to be angry and bitter toward us and we don't want to do anything to jeopardize getting to know you again," Esme said.
"I know Esme. I understand. I just have a bit more of a sarcastic humor than I used to," I explained, still chuckling, but then I stopped as I saw her hurt expression. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you guys feel bad."
Luckily the awkward moment passed. "Bella, I was wondering if you would mind meeting a friend of mine? He has a talent for sensing others' gifts and he may be of some use in this situation," Carlisle suggested.
"Sure Carlisle. That would be fine," I agreed.
"Bella, I was wondering if I might speak to you privately for a couple minutes," Carlisle requested.
I nodded in agreement. He stood up and headed toward the sliding glass doors leading to the back yard. Esme gave me a quick hug and then went back to the blueprints she was working on. I refilled my coffee cup and followed Carlisle out to the yard.
Esme had done a great job with the landscaping. There was a flower garden with a wrought iron bench a little ways away from the house, probably far enough away to actually give us privacy from vampire hearing. We sat down on the bench and gazed at the beautiful variety of flowers.
"What's up, Carlisle?" I asked.
Carlisle's voice was quiet and thoughtful when he finally answered after a moment of silence. "Bella, I have been hesitant to bring this up. I know that you've been on your own for a long time. I am not your father, and I know that in physical age, we are essentially the same age, so it may not be my place to say anything. However, I care deeply about you and the doctor in me needs to say something. I know that you have been using recreational and prescription drugs. I just want you to know that if you need help you can come to me. If you would feel more comfortable, I'd be happy to refer you to someone else.
"You know as well as I do that drugs are unhealthy and dangerous, even if you seem to be unable to die. We love you, Bella. We just want to see you happy. I apologize if I'm overstepping my boundaries, but I needed to say something,"
"I understand Carlisle," I said. "I was surprised that you hadn't said anything sooner. You held out a lot longer than I was expecting." We both chuckled as the tension between us lessened.
Carlisle seemed to sense that I wasn't finished speaking and allowed a couple minutes of silence while I tried to collect my thoughts. When I finally spoke, my voice was not much louder than a whisper. "When I first started dating Dave, I would use every now and then, usually at parties, or when his friends were over. It was usually ecstasy or speed. Party drugs. It really wasn't very often, and definitely not large quantities. I drank a little here and there, but honestly, I don't hold my liquor well. Anyway, when I found out I was pregnant, of course, I stopped all of that. Dave did as well…mostly. The pregnancy was a complete surprise. I was on birth control and I was careful about taking them, but like they say, nothing is 100% effective.
"When…when I lost my daughter…I was inconsolable, not that I even had anyone to console me. Our friends were Dave's friends, so I had nobody. Nobody but his dealers, that is. I thought it was pretty funny when I finally figured out that the brothers were werewolves. I knew there was something off about them, but it took me a couple times before I figured it out. Dave had no idea what they were, but I just knew when I first saw them that they were different.
"Anyway, I started using large quantities of hard drugs. I just wanted to forget. I…fuck…I just wanted to forget everything. I didn't want to exist. I was supposed to protect my daughter and I couldn't even protect her long enough for her to be born," I spit out, hating myself. "I tried to kill myself again, I tried to OD, but obviously I didn't succeed, and soon after I was bitten by the werewolf, and whatever this curse is began. So I just got high to forget about everything. I was a fucking wreak and I knew it.
"When Garrett happened along and after he refused to kill me, we talked. He managed to give me some hope. It wasn't anything in particular that he said. He has such a zest for life. Maybe that was it. I kept using for a while, but finally I realized that it just made things worse. I never did rehab, I just quit on my own. I cut down to just weed for a while, until the cravings for the hard drugs went away. It also helped give me an appetite and helped me sleep. The nightmares…they're awful. The nights Jasper has been there to keep my nightmares away have been the best nights of sleep I've gotten in probably five years.
"When Jazz, Em and Rose came into the bar the other day, I was freaking out, so I called up my old dealer and it was a mistake. I know that. I had stayed away from hard drugs for a year. If it makes you feel any better, I flushed the rest of my stash after a couple days. So, Carlisle, I appreciate your concern but there isn't much to be concerned about anymore," I concluded.
We sat in silence for several minutes. "Bella, thank you for sharing that with me. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to deal with that with no support. I cannot say enough that I am sorry we were not there for you. As for the drugs, I hope that you are able to stay away again. If you ever need me, I am here for you. We all are."
"I appreciate that Carlisle. Thank you," I said. We sat in silence for a couple more minutes before he got up, patted my shoulder, and went back inside the house.
I finished off my coffee, which was now cold, and then made my way up to Jasper's study. He was sitting on the couch reading a Civil War memoir. He was looking really sexy in a pair of well worn faded jeans and a tight t-shirt that showed off his muscular body very nicely. Not that I was looking.
"Good morning, Bella," he said pleasantly.
"Good morning, Jasper," I said. I picked up my book from the night before and sat down in a big comfy leather chair. It smelled like Jasper. Not that I noticed. After fifteen minutes of not noticing Jasper, I was finally able to immerse myself in the book.
We read in a comfortable silence for several hours until finally I was getting bored of reading. "Jasper?"
"Yes, darlin'?" He looked up over the top of his book at me. So sexy. And that accent…yum. Not that I noticed.
"Edward told me that you were in the Civil War when you were still human. Would you tell me about it?"
"Sure darlin'. Where would you like me to start?"
"How about the beginning?" I suggested. We both put our books down and he started in on his story.
"I was sixteen, almost seventeen when I joined the confederate army. I lied about my age and told them I was twenty so I could join." Jasper told me all about how he rose through the ranks, the battles he was involved in, and just general information about what it was like being in the army at that period of time. I loved the look on his face while he was talking. He looked like he was enjoying telling me his life's story. He was so detailed in his descriptions that I could picture him there in my mind. Major Jasper Whitlock. I bet he would look sexy in his uniform.
"Would you like to hear about how I was turned?" he asked with a little hesitation when he was up to the end of his human military career.
"I'd love to," I answered.
"It's not a happy story," he warned.
"Neither is mine," I replied.
"True. Someday, I'd like to hear your story as well," he said thoughtful.
"Someday," I agreed.
He nodded at me and sent me a wave of understanding, then continued with his story. He told me all about his time with Maria, his duties while he was in her army, how Peter and Charlotte escaped, and later came back for him. Then he told me how Alice found him and showed him there was another way to live.
"She saved me from myself. For a little while after she died, I wondered if I'd be able to keep up with this diet. I felt completely lost. I…I felt like she had been the one keeping me together, in control. Once she was gone, I felt like I would lose the control I'd developed," Jasper said, looking devastated.
"You've proven that's not true, Jasper," I said quietly. He finally met my gaze and smiled softly at me.
"I have. It wasn't easy, Bella, but I did it. I've never felt so in control of myself than I do now. It's like I can relax again. I just wish that Alice could have seen what I've accomplished," he said with a small smile.
"I hope that wherever she is now, she can see you. I know she would be proud of you. I know I am. I can't imagine how hard it must have been, how much work you did, how much you suffered to make you a better vampire, a better man. She would be proud of you," I said with a big smile. I closed my eyes, and felt as much pride, love, and trust as I could, and then I pictured physically sending the emotions to him.
My eyes snapped open when I heard him gasp. He looked like he'd physically been pushed over. "Sorry!" I cried as I went over to him.
"How did you do that?" he asked in a shaky gasp.
"I just visualized sending you my emotions. I'm sorry if I did it wrong. I didn't mean to…whatever I did…I didn't mean to hurt you," I said looking him over as though expecting him to be injured. I'd just never seen a vampire looking completely shaken to the core. I could see him trying to compose himself.
"I'm fine Bella. It was very powerful. I wasn't expecting it," he said with a smile. I could see in his eyes he was still uneasy, but he laughed it off. He pulled me down onto the couch next to him, and put his arm around my shoulders.
"Thank you for listening. You never react how I would expect you to," he said.
"I enjoyed hearing about your past, Jasper. A lot of who a person is, depends on their past. You are an amazing man, Jasper. You lived through a literal hell and you rose above that past. You have so much control now. You are a different man because of your experiences. You've shown how tough of a person you are, and I don't mean just physically," I said. "You are a strong man and I respect you all the more for that after knowing where you come from. Thank you for sharing that with me."
We were quiet for several more minutes. "Would you tell me about your daughter?"
I nodded and related the story I'd told Esme and Rose the day before. It was easier that time. When I was done, he squeezed my shoulders and I leaned over to give his cheek a little kiss. We sat there for quite a while in silence, both caught up in our own thoughts, until Esme interrupted us.
"Bella dear, I have your lunch ready," she said sweetly as she smiled at our position cuddling on the couch. I could see the implications in her mind, so I rolled my eyes at her. I knew that Jasper and I could never be more than friends. We'd shared a little mini makeout session the night before, but we didn't discuss it, and I didn't expect that it would be repeated. We'd just gotten caught up in the moment and our shared loneliness.
I stood and said to Jasper, "I'll let you get back to your book Jasper. I enjoyed our talk."
"The pleasure was all mine, sugar," Jasper responded with a content smile. It warmed me inside, seeing that smile. He seemed at peace, which I rarely if ever had seen in Jasper before. I liked it.
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