Chapter 11
The judge entered and it all started. I sighed loudly, suddenly feeling tired of all talks in the world. I saw Carl and many others at the front of the room. I had to lower my head immediately. He had met my eyes in the process. I didn't wanted him to see me, not yet..maybe never. I was all fractured up. His intense glare made my soul melt.
"I wanna go home, God please" Reid written plea flashed in my head. I didn't want to cry there.
"People are waiting for me, my mother and friends"
Suddenly, I looked up. Carl was watching me intensely, ignoring the proceedings. He wanted to see the result of his doings, craving to see me crumpled up here.
"I know the way to your heaven and I am going to seize it away" I heard Carl's voice in my head. Then, a tear finally escaped my control barrier and Carl got what he wanted. He smirked at my way, satisfied. Emily suddenly looked my way and grabbed my hand. I lowered my eyes, daring never to look back. I was the loser. He had done what he said... but not me.
"Heaven is immortal" I heard Reid's whisper in my ear. I looked beside me finding an empty seat. I was certain the voice was real, almost too real. I kept looking in the thin space. Emily squeezed my hand trying to calm me.
Next thing, I knew I was being called up to present the dairy pages. I chose to not stand up and simply gave Hotch the opportunity. Deep inside my heart, I trusted Hotch more than myself but I wasn't ready to face Carl ever again.
The few pages of the journal were read out loud, shocking people. I sneakily looked up and saw Carl lost in the words of my Reid. The painful story giving all pleasure to that son of a bitch. Carl seemed happy but soon he was to join the dead too. I wished.
" It hurt. So much. I wanted to see what he was doing but I only saw the ceiling. I whimpered madly but silently. I tried to tell myself, I was just doing this for Morgan but the tormented cries did no good. I am not weak."
It was almost too much to face everything anymore. I simply stood up in middle of the reading and rushed outside, Emily following me close behind.
"Morgan?" She called.
"Please, I need some time alone" I requested and walked to the bench near the parking. She understood and let me go.
The pain inside my chest was almost suffocating me. I felt like dying at the very moment. The smirk on that Devil's face re-entered my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to escape the hell. Maybe, I could hold my breath and try to die. I prayed for death to come over, a cardiac arrest to claim my life. I sat waiting, holding my breath.
"I didn't let go" I heard Reid say in my mind. The pain doubled. I wanted to be with him now more than ever. If I could only see in his eyes again, I would rest peacefully.
"Don't do it, Morgan" I kept hearing him.
"Open your eyes!" The voluntary control got defeated as I gave up and inhaled deeply, almost panting and opened my eyes. There, beside me I turned to see Reid sitting. I knew I was hallucinating now. I blinked few times, trying to regain my breathing. He smiled at me sadly. I was tearing up again. He looked so real.
"Reid?" I whimpered in pain. His eyes sparkled as he smiled widely.
"I'm so happy to see you out today" He said.
"What are you?" I asked. His smile dropped.
"I'm Spencer, I don't think you forgot me this quick"
"But, you're dead and this is just my desperate insane mind trying to save me" I looked away.
"I'm nothing your mind is doing, I exist" He said. I stared back.
"Dead people don't exist anymore" I said running my eyes over the body beside me.
"Bodies die, souls don't" he said smiling again. My eyes went to his hand placed nicely on the bench between us. I moved forward to touch him. but, I just went through him touching the bench instead. I saw him watching this. His eyes also focused on the contact.
"Why can't I touch you then?" I asked filling my eyes with him, and only him.
"Cause I'm dead, my body got killed but my soul is still wandering around. Morgan, I can't rest in peace. I am lost" He sadly explained. My face stretched in further confusion. He tilted his head a little, bright and breezy.
"Your heaven is still intact" he said "so I guess we won after all".
I couldn't believe what was unfolding in front of my eyes, a soul, a spirit of a dead person was talking with me or had I completely became insane talking to myself.
"Are you a ghost?" I asked still not understanding. He laughed in response, my heart skipped a beat and then returned with a new life in it. I missed his laugh.
"When I was dying, I felt my body separating from my soul, slowing lifting away from my feet until I escaped that broken used body. When this connection is still intact, we feel as if this body is our life but only after death you realize it was like a piece of clothe we wore to interact with physical matter" He explained turning my whole world upside.
"Don't be sad Morgan, I saw you in there feeling defeated in front of Carl, but fool are those physically attached body of atoms thinking they won" he said and I was now mesmerised by every word that reached my ear.
"No one can kill me now, no one can take me away" His words crippled me from inside. I looked up at the skies, the miles and miles of open space, maybe there was someone there, other worlds, so many secrets of heaven not known to living. I was the man of logic now sitting beside a spirit. My eyes filled up with pain. There was so much more than living.
I turned back to see my happiness, my heaven, my life, my purpose with me, beside me again, looking at me, with the same haunting eyes. I got what I needed.
"I can look at you forever" I said fixing my gaze at him "I wish I could touch you too"
"You will eventually, but right now your body is the barrier to intermingle of our souls" He answered.
I heard a crowd behind me and quickly got up to see people leaving the court. I hurriedly wiped my tears away and turned back to see Reid gone. Another grief uplifted wrapped in panic.
"You don't have to see me to know I'm always with you" I heard his voice near my ear. If there was a way to hug sound, I would have done it. By now, Emily and Hotch caught up to me and placed the journal pages back in my hand.
"Thanks" Hotch said.
"Let's go" Emily grabbed my arm and we started to walk back to our car.
As I moved, I could feel him beside me, and suddenly sprouted happiness from deep within my heart. Our relationship just crossed all physical barriers and survived. This time, the tears were of joy. Maybe, I was now going to see this whole world with a new light. Maybe, time had no meaning once death was met.
Who knew, I was going to change forever now, facing the truth bigger than death.
x
x
I splashed water on my face. It felt cold against my skin. I was at Emily's restroom trying to freshen up before other team members arrived. I really wasn't ready to face them all and have a good time.
But, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened before, I meeting Reid's soul, telling me that we won over Carl and that heaven is immortal. My brain fuzzed thinking such abstract ideas, it hurt. I turned back. The mind boggling thoughts played around my attention span. Did I really not lose him? So much time had pass, that a thought even close to hearing his voice seemed a bliss. I was dying, literally thirsty for water of life, just a drop of him and I would sail away to emotional wonderland.
This world had no meaning for me, I didn't wanted to win or lose to anyone. Bringing justice would not bring him back, killing Carl wouldn't bring him back, me wanting him no matter how much how deeply, just won't bring such charisma back in life.
But, was he really in this world without his body, wandering around, like meaningless spirits. No one knew the answers, death always remained a secret to living. But, I couldn't sit back anymore. I had a glimpse of what I had lost for a long time, a vision, a sound and feeling of being near him again and it should be enough to go on for days now, remembering them as time would pass. But, man, with a limitless greed inside, always want more. I wanted more, like drugs, craving until body is ready to commit anything to get it. If I only knew a way of keeping Reid here forever.
"Reid?" I called to thin air.
"Yes" and I heard him from outside the room, sitting on the bed. A jolt of excitement travelled everywhere inside me and I came out. I was so happy, facial muscles stretching to smile so big after such a long time. So, he was here, around me all this time. It was my Reid, dead or alive.
"I missed you" I told him as sitting across him on the bed.
"I did too all this time, and so much more when I was with Sam Elliot" he said.
"Where's his soul?" I asked feeling stupid "Can you see the other dead too?"
"Souls can see other souls but they don't live within the physical world for too long. They rest peacefully escaping this world and way above the skies, somewhere limitlessness exist, where the Creator awaits them" he spoke as my eyes relaxed, cooling down the burn of ages, he really was in front of me and my ears could hear his precious voice. Again.
"Your father already left, Elliot did too" he said.
"How can I see you?" I asked gently moving my hand over him, but actually touching the bed beneath...feeling miserable not been able to touch the pasty skin.
"You can't see spirits, human eye's only tuned to specific visible spectrum of light, like microwaves and UV rays you can't see a spirit either, so I chose to visit you with a familiar look that you would recognize" He explained.
"So, death is not the end" I asked while almost dying in his illusionistic eyes.
"No, I guess I will meet your soul too someday where we'll stay forever... as time is only physical" He said getting up from the bed. My senses would not stop questioning, how his soul could appear so similar to his body, sound so like it used to. I might not have the brain power to understand the things not meant to be understood now, while living.
"You can stay with me here. There's nothing more I would want from life" I desperately suggested "Or I can die too so I can be with you"
"Silly you! You're living, you should be with other living beings" He almost scolded me and I laughed.
"I want no life but you" I insisted feeling a sense of hope slowly peeking somewhere. I was at the addiction level where there was no return, I needed the drug.
"But I wanted life and I don't have it anymore. You must understand no matter how sad or tough this gets, you still are living, breathing, dreaming, desiring, striving. This will all end eventually, you will be with me soon enough... but don't waste the little time you have crying over something you will eventually have" He sadly talked some sense into me "I waited, I can wait more".
"I feel lonely, depressed and I'm all insane. Nothing will make me happy now, what's the point of such life? " I said as sadness took over me yet again.
"What was the point of me enduring such violence for so many days, throwing myself at blood hungry men, letting them do whatever to cause unbearable pain, separating me from all live and breaking all my ties, what was the point of all this?" He spoke all in one breath. It appeared as if, of course he wasn't breathing.
"The point was to separate us from happiness, we both are sad, too sad that it's almost impossible to feel anymore sad" I replied describing the endless pangs of pain.
"But, that too is a gift, an ability to feel sad. Ask us dead, we have no worldly desires no more. Once you die, you will miss them, like how badly I want to touch all the things around here but I can't, but you can. Sadness is part of living, without it happiness has no meaning" He said as he kneeled in front of me. It was all too much to comprehend. I wanted to cup his beautiful face with my hands but I couldn't.
"Morgan, will you touch your own cheek for me" He said, his eyes desperately staring me. I smiled as a tear came out. The sight in front of me was too beautiful for words, something I craved for days. I gently brought my hand to my cheek, the touch, the sense allowing me to feel. Reid looked miserably at me almost feeling paralysed. His soul stared at me, almost in trance.
"I wanted to live, no matter how much it hurt, no matter if there was no ounce of self respect I had left, I wanted to stay in this world, living it all, being with-" he stopped in the middle.
"Can I ask for one last wish?" He asked so nicely that I believe even mountains could melt at that. I nodded while crying, almost in euphoria as once again we were together despite in two different entities. His wish would be all my life, every beat of heart, to fulfill it.
"Share your life with me, please, live for me, live for what I wanted to live" He pleaded. I got confused, scared a little.
"Will you promise me that?" He asked, my heart felt so heavy at his words. His life was gone and here he was asking me to live as if he was living with me, sharing the life experience. And, then there was me, wanting to die. Such dilemma, but his words were like marks on a stone.
"Enjoy the rain, the coming out of sun, the cackles of a new born, the colors of the rainbow, the taste of sugar, the touch of grass, the warmth of a family...enjoy your life as long as it lasts" He said. I got up, breathing the burden away. My mind suddenly opened to a new perspective, there'll never be moment where a dead will tell you to live on.
"Reid, I promise I will live for you but how'll I ever feel better again, the guilt of how you died keeps on pulling me away" I explained the internal mental tension to him.
"I died tragically but not because you couldn't save me. There's nothing you could have changed. I was to die like this, that's how my life had to end, and now that it's passed, it doesn't bother me, what happens here stays here" He said now standing in front of me. I smiled of how pretty he appeared asking me to live on, move on, forget the past pains.
"Well, I missed your voice a lot too" I told him feeling as if I really was in real heaven now.
"What about my physics jokes?" He sarcastically asked. I laughed a little, feeling alive already, bit by bit.
"Now I'll make up spooky jokes about dead people!" He exclaimed cheerfully and sent my way a flying kiss. I shook my head at his innocence. I heard the knock on the door, knocking me out of my heavenly state.
"Hi Morgan, everything alright in there" Emily asked. I straightened up, calmly replying "Yes, I'm coming down".
I looked back apprehensively, but calmed seeing Reid peering outside the window. He was still here. The peace returned and I started to walk towards him to stand behind. The sunlight from outside faded his view a little, too bright to see him properly.
"If you act mean with her, I'll haunt you in your sleep" He threatened, now facing me inches away. I never felt so close to him before. It was so long ago with so many painful memories in the way. I touched my forehead to his and instead contacted the curtains, another reminder of his death.
"You still got a thing for Emily?" I asked, his hairs were now shinning under the bright sunlight, illuminating. I felt so paralysed not being about to touch them, ruffle it or play around it. He nodded playfully.
"Marry her" He said and I went aside coughing "You are out of your mind, Kid".
"I'm out of my body" he corrected.
I went back and jumped on the bed, sprawling around with insane amount of joy.
"You should probably go downstairs and propose her" He said hovering close to me.
"I had bought a chocolate monster for you that day" I told.
"Darn it, I had to die before tasting that! How 'bout you buy another one and give it to Henry and Jack". I liked his idea but not more than him. Now, even his sorrow seemed eternal beauty of its own.
" Just like you, your absence was beautiful too" I spoke my mind, almost putting my heart out.
"Where ever they look, where ever they go, they look for you, O these insane eyes. I am alive but where had my life gone. Without you, nothing exists." I talked non-sense, almost poetic and Reid just looked intently. After all, his living Morgan had become a mad man without him. I fell back on the bed, full of energy, a new sensation I never felt before. Just this morning, I had woken up in my therapy center painfully dragging time with me. In thousands years, I could never imagine what happened today.
Note: Please review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. 1 more chapter and then a BIG TWIST!