Chapter Eleven
Seeing Barney again... Well... This is the situation, when I want to find words, but I can't. If I felt bad before, than I'm feeling extra bad right now. We opened the door, and I should have realize, this was the worst moment of all. My heart beated like a drum, I wanted to turn back, and leave the hospital better, than anything else. But of course I couldn't. And Becca was behind me, showing her support. The first face I saw was Lily's. Her face was red, I saw she cried. Marshall had a red face too. I know, both of them cried a lot. And then I saw Robin's face. It wasn't red, but I rather saw her eyes red. It wasn't the Robin I know. Althought her life wasn't in danger, she looked like a death. And I know, grief and pregnancy don't work good together. I really hope the baby (and Lily's babies) is going to be okay. Robin is holding Barney's hands, and she watches his face all the time. Looks like she didn't realize, I'm here. She's whispering something, something for Barney, but I don't hear it.
Lily is looking at me.
- She wants to be next to Barney when he wakes up. - she says. I feel in her voice, she isn't so sure, that Barney will wake up.
- Is she okay? - I ask. I never saw Robin so sad.
- What do you think, Sherlock? - Lily asks. - She doesn't even hear us.
- I hear you. - Robin says. Her voice is weak. In the first moment I hear it I don't recognize Robin's voice. - I hear everything. I just... I'm not crazy. So far. Lily... What would you do, if Marshall... - she can't continues it. - You know. - She's speaking to us, but she's looking at Barney all the time. I know, what she wants to see. This is the thing we all want to see. - And I'm glad, you're here, Ted. - at least Becca has right. She doesn't care about our argue. She has bigger problems at the moment. - And of course, nice to see you again, Becca. - she says. I know, what she doing. She wants to pretend everything is okay. Classic Robin.
The doctor is storming into the room. He's an old man with glasses, he doesn't look friendly, and he's a bit nervous. I don't like the people like him.
- So... Is he Barnabus Stinson? - he asks. Robin is nodding. - Great! - this is the word which no one wanted to hear in this room. - Does he woke up?
- As you see, doctor, he's still sleeping. - Robin says.
- Yeah, is sucks... - the doctor is nodding. I'm quite sure, he's not normal. - Okay, have you tried to speak to him?
- I don't think it'll help. - Robin says in a desperated voice.
- I don't know. In the movies, it always helps. - the doctor says.
- Okay, maybe I try it. - Robin says. She's looking at Barney more concentrated than before, and she's starting to speak. - Dear Barney... I know, sleeping is awesome, but we wants you to being next to us again. Thank you. - she's looking at the doctor. - I don't think, it'll help. - she says. - I don't think, anything could help.
- Just be optimist! - the doctor says. - I mean... He had an accident two days before, I know, that it's creepy he's still sleeping, but... Why not? I'm sure, he'll wake up in a few days, and everything is gonna be okay. - there's a short silence. Robin is looking at the doctor with a thankful blink.
- Thak you, doctor. - she says. - But... Are you sure?
- I'm absolutely sure.
Three weeks later...
- He's never going to wake up. - Robin says. All of us is desperated, sad, and... It's just like we're sitting in a bad emotion since weeks. Three weeks passed, and Barney's still sleeping. And which is worse, that probably he won't wake up. Robin is starting the last month of the pregnancy next week, and she afraid her child won't have a father. I know, she has right. After the child is borned, in some weird way Robin is going to be more lonely than before.
Marshall and Lily are holding the hands of each other. They're sad together, and I don't know... I don't say, they aren't sad, but being sad together is not so hard as being sad alone. I'm looking at Robin. Yes… Being sad alone is the worst thing ever. I don' know what would I do if I would be alone.
Becca helps me a lot, she supports me in everything, she's the best help in the grief. Or in the almost-grief, I don't know how it's called. The passed three weeks were just like a nightmare, and it's like it's never gonna end. What ii It's just the beginning of something bad, what if Barney won't wake up for years? Are we going to spend every day in the room 203, or we'll forget him? I don't know... If I would sleep in a hospital, I wouldn't want to woke up and see I'm alone. Could we ever forget him? I don't know, the whole thought hears ruthless. Maybe it is. Probably it is.
At the moment Lily and Marshall are looking at each other, and then they're standing up.
- I'm sorry, Robin. We have to go. - Lily says. – The doctor is waiting for us. – Robin is nodding. I don't think she cares about it. I don't think she cares about anything at the moment. She's just sitting hopeless in the chair, looking at Barney, and trying not to cry. We spent every day of the passed three weeks in this room next to Barney, and I haven't seen her cry. Although she's pregnant, and I saw how crazy she was a few months before, now she's the Silence. In big letters. She doesn't wear black, but in her mind she's a widow already.
Marshall and Lily are leaving the room, so Robin, Becca and me are sitting near to each other. I'm looking at Becca. She's clearly the greatest person I've ever met. She doesn't really know Barney, but she spends every day with me and the others to be next to him. And I can talk with her about my thoughts, about my feels, and I really need it. When the accident happened, I was so confused, I didn't know, where to go. It's like Becca showed me the right way. She's sad with me, and it means a lot. Robin doesn't have the support, and she have to care about the baby. I don't know, how she can hold the situation.
In the passed weeks I settled in the silence quite good. In the past we were a noisy company, but now we speak to one other just in specific times. So when Robin looked at us, and started to speak, I knew, she's going to say something serious.
I'm sorry guys. – she says. – I don't want to be a bitch, and I'm really thankful for your support but… I haven't been alone with my husband for weeks. Could you leave us together for a few hours?
We're nodding. What else could we do? I see a weak thankfully smile on Robin's face. Becca and I are living the room. I don't know exactly, what Robin wants do do. Say goodbye, or finally cry? I'm looking at Becca. I know, we're both are a bit confused.
If you're curious, we can stay for a few moments to see, what she does. – Becca says. I love, that she knows me so well. We can understand each other without words.
So we're doing… Well, a bad thing, I know Robin asked me to go away, but I have to see what she does. I don't know why, something says I have to see. Have you ever felt something like this, or am I totally crazy?
Whatever, I'm writing what I see.
Robin is looking at Barney. I know, she has been looked at him for long-long days, but her blink is different than before. She's taking his hand, and I see, she's almost crying. But she doesn't do it. I think Robin is the strongest women I've ever met. She's strating to speak.
Barney… - she says. – I don't know what to say. First of all, I want to say, that I miss you. And I think you know the best how hard me to say I'm missing something or somebody. Look… When I was young, I could leave my old life behind me. My father, my mother, my whole family, my past… And I thought, I'm free, the world is mine, I can do anything. Although my mother needed me, I could let it go. I'm a terrible person. I always knew it. And when we met at the Central Park, one day before I met Ted, and you invited me to the MacLaren's, although you seemed really nice, I didn't want to go, because I felt, I'm wrong to have a normal relationship. I felt, I'm the worst person ever. I know, that you know it, because you're the only one, who knows about my mother. And I'm really thankful to you, because you keep the secret, and you were better friend of me than I deserved it. You were always next to me, you supported me, and you became my best friend. Not because you're the only one, who knows about my mother. Honestly, I'm not so dumm, Barney. I know, that when yoi invited me to the MacLaren's you didn't except we are going to be the best friends, or we'll be married ten years later. I know, and maybe a piece of me knew ten years before, that you only wanted to have sex with me... And why am I telling the whole story? God, I don't know. I just want you to hear, what am I thinking about you. And what did I felt. Because although you were and you are the best friend of me, we haven't talked about what we felt all the time. And if you're going to die, I don't want to let you go without I tell all the things for you. I know, our relathionship wasn't the best, when I started to date with Ted. After I realized, you're a serious womanizer, I thought, you lied to me, so I let Ted closer to me. I know, that you hate, when I talk about my relationship with him, maybe the reason, why I'm talking about Ted now, that in the deep of my heart I hope you'll wake up, and ask me to stop talking about the past, because I'm not dating with Ted, and you're not a womanizer anymore, and we're going to have a child, so the usual things. But you don't have to fear. Or be jealous, as you were jealous when I was dating with your best friend. Because you were jealous. I knew it. And I'm really-really sorry, I repiet it one more time; I'm a terribble person, but somehow I liked it. I didn't think you're really in love with me, but I knew, you have some feelings. And maybe I knew, that I have some feelings for you too. But it was crazy, I dated with your best friend. And then Ted and I broke up, and when I came back, I realized, that you missed me. It was such a good feeling. And because I was single again, we became better friends, than before, because you hadn't to be jealous anymore. And I wanted to have some more than friendship. It was crazy, but after I became single again, I could play with the thought without guilt. And the day, when it finally happend… I know, that you remember as good as I can. We were watching the video, and you were talking about how stupid it is, and I kept saying „Shut up", but of course you didn't do. So I was kissing you, and then it's just happened… I hope you know I wanted it too. Maybe I wanted it better than you. And when you were hitten by a bus, the history repieting, am I right? I wanted to be next to you as soon as I could. Because I always loved you. I know, sometimes you felt you're alone, I know you felt you didn't want to have feelings for me anymore, I know every painful moment you had to survive because it's me, and I can't say enough I'm sorry. And I can't say enough I love you. We know each other since years, but I love you every day much better. I didn't wanted to have a child, because I thought I'll have children just like me, and I left my mother when she needed me. But when I got pregnant, you were so happy, that I became happy too, because seeing sou happy is better feeling than anything else in the world. I can't live without you. When I wanted to leave all behind me, I thought it was easy, but I never loved someone as much as I love you, and I never will. And now, that we're going to have a child together, and I saw you happy… I could never let you go. I can keep saying sorry or thank you for all night long, or for weeks, because the truth is, that I can leave the hospital, and arriving to home alone, becuse I start to cry. I booked a hotel room, near the hospital… Whatever. I know, you won't wake up at the moment. I know, that miracles are only in the fairytales. But if you're never going to wake up, I hope you know, that I love you, and I won't forget you.
She's holding Barney's hand stronger, and she's starting to cry. Becca is looking at me, and I know, she wants to say me to turn back and leave the hospital. We shouldn't have to see this scene. But when we're turning back, we have to stop again. Because there's an other voice in the room, wich isn't Robin's.
Robin… - the voice says. And although I can't believe, I recognize it immediately. – I don't think you should have forget me.
Robin is crying and laughing, and she's holding both of Barney's hands.
Becca is looking at me, and we're smiling. I didn't lose my friend. Barney woke up. I don't know, how Robin did it, but she did it. She brought her husband back.
A few minutes later
Becca and I are sitting in a cab and driving to home. We aren't talking, I know, we're both very tired, so we're listening to the radio.
It's playing These Days by the Foo Fighters.
One of these days your heart One of these days the clocks One of these days their bombs But it's alright Easy for you to say Not yet not yet One of these days One of these days
will stop and play its final
beat
will stop and time won't
mean a thing
will drop and silence
everything
Yet it's alright
I said it's alright
Your heart has never been
broken Your pride has never been stolen
I bet your heart'll be broken
I bet your pride'll be stolen I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet
One of these days
- I like this song. – Becca says. – I can play it on guitar.
What? – I'm asking back. Seems like my mind is totally off.
I like this song. – she repiets. I love she's so understanding, and she is not annoyed because my stupid questions.
Yeah, Foo Fighters is cool. – I say.
We're sitting in the silence for a few minute. And then she's starting to speak.
You got the sign. – she says.
What? – I'm asking back again. I'm starting to be really annoying, but of cours Becca don't mind it.
The sign from the Universe. Which you was waiting for. Don't you think, it was the sign that you and Robin don't belong together? – I'm thinking for a few minutes. Funny… I haven't thought about Robin since weeks. I didn't care, when she was in the room. I don't know… Seems like that small piece of my heart changed it's mind. Seems like I'm not in love with Robin anymore. She's happy with Barney. And I'm happy for them. But when I looked at her I felt we're just friends. Nothing more. Maybe Becca has right. Maybe it was the sign I was waiting for.
I'm smiling at Becca, and going on listening the music. Barney is okay. Robin is okay. Their baby is okay. I'm okay. Everything is okay.
One of these days your eyes One of these days you will But it's alright Easy for you to say Not yet not yet One of these days I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet I'll bet One of these days One of these days
will close and pain will
disappear
forget to hope and learn to
fear
Yet it's alright
I said it's alright
Your heart has never been
broken
Your pride has never been
stolen
I bet your heart'll be broken
I bet your pride'll be stolen