Simplicity

Warning: This one is really and truly crack. I mean it. Please consult your doctor before reading. Possible side effects may include confusion, headache, brain damage, and death by overdose of caffeine-induced OOCness.

They stood in front of the automatic doors. "Okay, lookit. Before we go in here, there are some rules you have to observe. Are you following me so far?"

"Following!" Rukia parroted breathlessly as she raced through the automatic doors once more. She caught his eye, tossed him a grin, and raced through again, waiting for both pairs of doors to open before she did a sharp about face and ran back out.

"Stop it!" Ichigo said sharply.

She pulled herself to a breathless halt. "Rules," she reminded him.

Ichigo wondered if it had been a good idea to introduce her to caffeine before heading out. Sure, they'd been up late taking care of a hollow, but...she most certainly wasn't reacting well to the mass amounts of caffeine she'd consumed this morning.

On an empty stomach.

"Okay...well, no touching. That's the most important. You know...no licking your fingers and touching spark plugs or anything. No picking up teddy bears, games, toys...bikes. In fact, keep your hands inside your pockets. Forever. No stopping and staring. No 'Oohhhhhh, what's that, Ichigo?' because I sure as heck don't have time to answer any questions. You getting me?"

"Getting," she said, grinning.

"Okay, then...you can't..." He couldn't think of any more rules. Not like she'd follow them, anyway. "We're here to buy Yuzu and Karin some presents. Nothing else."

She nodded pointedly and ran inside before he could follow.

The first words he heard were, "Ooh, Ichigo! What's that?"

The doors almost slammed shut on his head as he jolted sharply. "Didn't I just say—"

But she was gone.

Perhaps bringing Rukia to Toys R Us hadn't been the best idea. Ichigo considered a leash. It'd still be almost humane...and he could keep track of her. "Rukia, you fool!" He wandered aimlessly for a few moments before she—quite literally—popped up out of a pile of toys. "Lookit what it does, Ichigo!" She excitedly wound a little knob and intently stared at a small container. Annoying music played until an evil-looking clown exploded from the box. Rukia jumped, appropriately shocked.

"How fun!" she said, rubbing her hands together. "You know, perhaps they should have these Toy Stores in Soul Society! I'll have to talk to Nii-sama about that. And then they could have Chappy toys!"

"Yeah," Ichigo said dryly. He grabbed her wrist. "Brilliant. Set those whack jobs loose on a toy store, why don't you? That nut Kenpachi would behead all the dolls."

"Do you think Karin would like one of these?" Rukia asked, holding the jack-in-the-box up questioningly as Ichigo dragged her away. She poked the bottom of the box and looked at the long clown neck, wondering how it could all fit in there.

"No, I don't. Karin would probably take it apart, and it'd give Yuzu nightmares."

Rukia watched as a young mother and father showed their infant some toys. It made her happy to see the little family playing so sweetly together. Mother and father crouched and giggled as their baby did. A grin split her face and she pulled her hand from Ichigo's. She blamed that darned coffee. Talk about a buzz!

The boy crawled along the ground, following a toy that clattered about, its fluffy pink hands beating a little drum emblazoned with illegible lettering. Her eyes followed the pink fur up to its little neck and—oh God, it was a bunny!

Despite her orders not to touch, it was just too cute to stay away from. Rukia slipped behind a toy aisle and crawled along the floor, stalking her prey until she caught it while it wasn't looking. "Mine!" she cried before she pounced it. The bunny made no reaction. It continued to beat its drum.

Darn, but it was persistent.

She pet its head. The infant began to whimper, pulling at her skirt. Rukia did not spare the child a glance. The mother and father whisked the little child away, murmuring unpleasant words beneath their breath. Ichigo stalked over. "See? It likes me," she said triumphantly, holding the little mammal up for observation.

It took Ichigo a while to explain the concept of batteries.

She left the rabbit behind grudgingly and they continued their search. Ichigo slipped in and out of the doll aisles, and Rukia looked up at his intent features. She was very fascinated by the strange objects here, but the thing that fascinated her most was his lack of self-consciousness now. Most guys would stay away from all things childish, afraid it would wreck their reputation. Ichigo didn't seem to have that self-consciousness, though...at least not now. This was for his sisters. He regarded those two like princesses.

He finally pulled a brightly colored box off of the shelf and handed it to her. "Ya think she'll like it?"

Rukia looked at the doll inside. It was small, little eyes slipped closed, a tiny blue fuzzy slipped over minuscule hands and feet. It would definitely appreal to Yuzu's maternal side.

Ichigo wandered to the other side of the store to shop for Karin. He looked over boy's bikes, rollerskates, chainsaws, and remote control cars before he settled on a skateboard. He'd turned around to inquire Rukia's opinion, but she wasn't there.

"I—It's eating me, Ichigo!"

By now he was immune to her random outbursts. He slowly turned and walked over to where the scream had originated. She'd wandered into an aisle of trick toys and now had a Slinky slid halfway up her arm. Her fingers were caught in one of those straw tubes, and the harder she tried to keep it from devouring her, the tighter it held on.

It actually did look like the toys were trying to consume her.

"Make it stop!" she cried, dark eyebrows joining in confusion.

By the time they'd gotten out of the store, Rukia had met with innumerable mishaps and was convinced that the toys were demonic beings intent on world domination. She didn't even play with the automatic doors. She huddled very close to Ichigo, yet still far away from the bags he held loosely in his left hand.

When he swung them to his right, she stepped back and held out her hands defensively.

Ichigo smiled. "See? The rules are not only good for my sanity, but yours, too."

She mustered as acid a glare as she could manage.

Author's Notes: Sorry, I went crazy with this one. Thanks goes out to lightningstrxu for suggesting some toys for story ideas! They sort of sparked my imagination. I thought...what's more fun than one crazy thing? A lot of crazy things! So thus the idea of Rukia in a toy store was born. Late at night. On a sugar high. Anyway, I promise the next story will be cute, not crack! If anyone would take even a few seconds to drop their thoughts on this crazy story, I'd be eternally grateful. Thanks for reading! Please Review!