Thanks guys. I'm not sure why a random chapter from Mistakes posted instead of this one. Here's the correct chapter :-)
Sarah was quiet the next morning, emerging from her room at the last minute and staying relatively silent in the car. Alex pulled up in front of Olivia's favorite coffee place by the courthouse and sent Sarah in to get coffee and donuts, handing her a list and two twenties.
"You know what kind of coffee Grant likes?" Sarah asked, noticing that the list included orders for Casey and the other intern.
"I asked him on the first day," Alex said. "I pick up coffee for Casey occasionally, and for the SVU detectives, so I figured it'd be nice to know what you guys like, too. Besides, Olivia has a theory that you can tell a lot about someone from their coffee choices."
"And what does an almond latte say about him?"
"I don't know; I haven't asked her yet." Alex saw a parking space and pulled in, realizing that Sarah was not going to be able to carry two trays of coffee and a bag of pastries out by herself.
Sarah yawned as they waited in line.
"Did you sleep okay last night?" Alex asked. "You didn't stay up too late, I hope."
Sarah shook her head. "I went to bed right after you did, but I couldn't fall asleep."
Alex nodded. "You had a lot on your mind."
Sarah took the coffee trays as Alex grabbed the bag of donuts and muffins off the counter, slipping the change into the tip jar. When they got into the car, Alex put her purse on the ground and looked sideways at Sarah before she put her keys in the ignition.
"You can talk to me about it if you want," Alex said. "Or Olivia. I didn't mean to imply last night that you couldn't, and if it's okay with you, I'll ask her if she has any good resources for you to look at. But a therapist can help you work through your feelings and figure out when you're ready for sex, which isn't something we can really help with, okay? Everyone's experience is different,, and mine - aside from being between me and Olivia - shouldn't color your healing process."
Sarah nodded, staring straight ahead, as Alex started the car.
—
When Alex arrived at the hospital, she put the coffee and donuts down on the side table and slipped into bed next to Olivia, who was still dozing, intertwining their fingers.
Olivia smiled as Alex pressed a gentle kiss to her temple and murmured something unintelligible.
"Shh, don't wake up," Alex whispered, inhaling smells of Olivia and hospital antiseptic, but Olivia opened her eyes and shifted in bed to look at Alex, wincing as she moved, and pressed their foreheads together and cupped Alex's cheek.
"Morning, beautiful," Olivia whispered, kissing Alex on the lips.
"Morning, love," Alex replied, smiling. "How did you sleep? I brought you coffee."
"I didn't. And thanks." Olivia smiled widely as Alex handed her the steaming cup, closing her eyes and moaning as she took the first sip.
Alex rolled her eyes and sipped her own latte.
"Safa woke up with nightmares," Olivia explained. "So I went over and sat with her for a while during the night. She went back to sleep maybe 3 hours ago. I wasn't sleeping anyway without you."
Alex leaned her head on Olivia's shoulder. "I didn't sleep much without you, either," she admitted. "It was lonely. Even the cat slept with Sarah. But I think she needed him more than I did." She briefly explained their conversation.
"That's rough," Olivia admitted. "I'll see if I can find something to help her."
They heard whimpering from behind the curtain, and Alex got up to pull it back, approaching carefully.
"Good morning, sweetie," she said gently, smiling as she made eye contact with the young girl, whose eyes were filled with tears again. She took a tissue from the table and brushed them away.
Alex reached for her purse and pulled out a lavender scarf, which she held out to Safa. "For you," she said, pulling off the makeshift hijab she had made the night before out of a hospital cloth. Safa smiled as Alex gently wrapped the scarf around her head and tucked in her hair, fastening it with safety pins she'd stuck in her pocket.
"Shukran," Safa whispered, leaning in to hug Alex.
Alex felt the girl stiffen in her arms as the door opened, and Munch and Elliot walked in with an older Middle Eastern man of about 60 and a nurse.
"We found Safa's father," Munch said to the nurse, barely acknowledging Alex. "He's here to take her home as soon as you give the okay."
Alex's stomach turned, and she pulled away from the girl, as Olivia made eye contact with Elliot and he shook his head imperceptibly.
The man started speaking rapidly in Arabic and Alex pulled away, understanding the game.
"I'm sorry," Alex said, standing up to shake his hand. "I'm just visiting here. She was trying to cover her head with this, so I gave her a scarf. It's a gift."
"Mr. Al-Masri, at this point, we're investigating the attack on Safa as part of a series of hate crimes against Muslim women and girls. We'll need you to bring her down to the precinct later this week for an interview with our departmental translator to see if she can remember details of her assailants and assist with the investigation. I assure you that we're taking this very seriously." Elliot said.
"Certainly," the man replied, fixing Safa with a stern look. "I'll make sure she doesn't wander off in the meantime so she'll be safe."
Alex forced a smile. "It was nice to meet you, sweetie," she said, looking back at Safa. "I hope you feel better soon." Her heart nearly broke as Safa reached out to grip her hand, a pleading look in her eyes, and she realized that her suspicious about Safa's 'adoption' were probably spot-on.
She loosened her hand from Safa's grip as the man scolded her again in Arabic and went over to sit in the chair next to Olivia. She could feel Olivia fuming, and rested her hand gently on her arm, calmly sipping her coffee while Safa slowly put on the scrubs the nurse had given her and stood, looking at the floor.
"I can't believe they just let her go home with him!" Olivia spat as soon as the door was closed behind them.
"I can," Alex said gently, rubbing her hand up and down Olivia's arm. "They had nothing to go on for the assault. No victim's statement, no DNA, no nothing. If Mr. Al-Masri thought we suspected him of raping his daughter, or even realized that three SVU detectives and a prosecutor knew she was pregnant and had been sexually abused, there's nothing stopping him from taking her out of the country. If we had CPS remove her now, with no investigation and no evidence, he'd sue, he'd win, and he'd disappear. The best thing we can do is pretend this is just an investigation into the acid attack. A judge can order him to present her for questioning, and since she's a victim, not a suspect, he has no right to be with her or watch the interview, so we can ask her about the abuse. Then, and only then, if she makes an allegation, we can remove her and protect her from him. It's our best shot at keeping her here and keeping her safe."
Olivia shook her head. "We're probably sending her home to be raped again."
Alex sighed and nodded in agreement. "I know."
The door swung open and Munch and Elliot returned, holding coffees from the hospital cafeteria.
"Hey, Liv, how are you holding up?" Munch asked. "Thanks for playing along earlier, Cabot."
"I'm fine. Doctor said she'd be by this morning to check my stitches and get me out of here. Then we have a long day of Netflix and napping on the couch ahead of us. Any leads?"
Elliot shook his head. "We checked out the bakery where Safa said she got cookies this morning. I would have gotten you something if I'd known you'd be in Safa's room, but Alex implied that she didn't want us to visit you, so Munch ate them all."
"Elliot, cut the passive-aggressive crap," Olivia said. "Me having surgery isn't about you, in case you didn't realize."
Elliot didn't respond.
"Anyway," Munch said, smiling at Olivia to break the tension. "Aside from amazingly delicious Middle Eastern pastries, we got a few delicious tidbits. The woman who runs the bakery told us that Safa comes in a few times a week, and that she was teaching her a few words in English and how to write in Arabic. Turns out that Safa's not getting an education with Mr. Yemeni diplomat. She also said there's an older girl that Safa calls her sister, and Safa brings her cookies sometimes. Says the girls look nothing alike."
Alex nodded slowly. "I wonder if they're related at all. Polygamy is common in Yemen, especially among upper classes."
"We're going to check that out today," Elliot said. "And try to track down the adoption papers for Safa to see what they really say."
"OK, well, we don't want to interfere with your cuddling agenda, so we better get back to work on finding an interpreter so we can get this guy. I hope you have a speedy recovery so you'll come back and do my DD-5s soon." Munch grinned.
"Thanks, John," Olivia smiled. "See you guys later."
Munch turned to leave, but Elliot stayed rooted in place as the doctor came in, holding her clipboard.
"Detective Benson," she said warmly. "Good morning. I'm just going to check out your incision, and if everything's good, we'll get you out of here as quick as we can."
"Oh, then we can stay for a minute and help Alex get Liv home," Elliot suggested, not moving.
"Thanks, Elliot, but I've got it," Alex said, staring him down again.
Munch looked from Alex to Olivia and chuckled. "C'mon, Stabler. You don't want to get on Cabot's bad side."
"I think I already am," he muttered, backing down to leave. "Bye, Liv. Let me know if you need anything. But I guess Alex has got everything covered."
Alex rolled her eyes at Olivia and squeezed her hand. "Sorry sweetie. I'm sure he'll get over himself soon."
"I hope so," Olivia replied.
Dr. Logan pulled down Olivia's pyjama pants slightly and peeled away the bandages over the incision, then pressed her abdomen gently. Olivia grimaced.
"Everything looks good," she said, replacing the pants. "If you're in pain, I can give you some Tylenol with codeine or some vicodin for the next few days, but otherwise, ibuprofen should take the edge off just fine."
"I'll stick to the ibuprofen," Olivia said. "I don't like being out of it."
Dr. Logan nodded. "Just be careful for the next few days so you don't pull your stitches, and avoid getting the incision wet for the next three days or so. After that, you should be off work for at least the next two weeks, and then we'll put you on desk duty until you're back 100%. You'll have to avoid strenuous activity for at least the next month. That includes no sex."
"Yeah, we got that," Olivia said, enjoying the disappointed look Alex was giving her over the doctor's shoulder.
"There were no complications and there shouldn't be any polyps left, but even if the test results come back clean, I'd still like to do another exam in eight weeks to make sure they haven't grown back, and then follow up appointments every six months or so."
Alex nodded. "How likely is it that they'll grow back? And what happens if they do?"
"I'm fairly confident that we got everything, so it's unlikely that they'll grow back. If they do, our course of action will depend on how fast they grow and what they look like. Hormone changes due to menopause would slow their growth, so we may take a wait-and-see approach, we may opt to remove them again, or we may consider a hysterectomy at that point. But for now, I'll stress that these are all pure hypotheticals."
"See, Lex? Nothing for you to worry about yet. You wait until we have evidence, and let me deal with the hypotheticals and suppositions," Olivia said, smiling wryly.
Dr. Logan laughed. "Alright, Detective, I don't want to keep you here any longer than I have to, or worry you more than I need to, so I'll give you a call on Monday or Tuesday, as soon as I have the test results, and let you know. In the meantime, I'll have a nurse get you a wheelchair, because you're free to go."
—
When they reached the apartment, Alex helped Olivia to the bathroom and then to bed to take a nap. Alex changed into a silk nightgown and slipped under the covers beside her, pulling Olivia into her arms.
"How are you feeling, really?" she whispered, caressing her face and arms gently.
Olivia kissed her and smiled. "Aside from the fact that I can't make love to my girlfriend for a month? I'm fine, Alexandra." She pushed aside a lock of hair. "Stop worrying about me, and just cuddle with me."
"I remember what it felt like, Liv. Being told that we - that I - couldn't have kids."
Olivia held Alex close. "I know, babe. And I can't stop thinking about that little girl, and how unfair it is to her that she's pregnant at 11, and we can't be." She sniffled, and before long, she and Alex were holding each other and crying again until they fell asleep.
When she awoke, Alex was still wrapped up in her arms, reading. She kissed the back of Alex's neck.
"Hey," she said. "What are you reading?"
Alex turned around in Olivia's arms to show her a pink bound book. "My mother's diary from high school."
"You decided to read them?"
Alex nodded. "I put them in order a while ago. I wasn't sure if I was comfortable reading them, but she… couldn't have more kids after me, and I know she had a few miscarriages. That's part of why she was pressuring me to get married and have kids right after law school, so it wouldn't be too late. I want to know how she felt about it."
Olivia nodded. "Anything juicy so far?"
"This is the first one. So far, she hates her math teacher and is very concerned about my grandmother letting her buy a dress for homecoming, because she was sure she was going to be elected homecoming queen."
"Sounds fascinating." Olivia said. She extracted herself from Alex's arms and went to the walk-in closet, where they had a small bookcase, and pulled out a few titles on rape, healing, and sexuality, which she brought back to bed and began to flip through. She grabbed the post-it flags Alex kept handy for reading law journals and bookmarked a couple of passages.
"I don't think we wrote in those, but just make sure if you're going to give them to Sarah," Alex said, noticing the titles.
Olivia nodded and took a piece of paper from the bedside table to write a note. "That's what I'm doing. I'm just going to leave them on her bed, and if she wants to talk, she can come to one of us."
Sarah -
Thought you might want to look at these. I flagged a few things that I think might be helpful,.
It may take a while to feel ready, and that's completely normal. In the meantime, you might also consider exploring your sexuality and your body by yourself before you do so with a partner. Try watching some porn or reading erotica. Fantasize. These are all healthy ways to see what makes you feel good, and what might make you feel uncomfortable. I know you probably don't have a lot of privacy to do these things at school, but you have plenty of privacy here.
The most important thing to remember is that sex is supposed to feel good physically and emotionally. For that to happen, you have to feel safe enough with your partner to communicate and to allow yourself to be vulnerable, which can be hard even for someone who hasn't been assaulted. If something doesn't feel right for one of you, don't do it. And of course, it goes without saying that you always need to make sure you have each other's consent for everything you do.
Alex and I are both here for you if you want to talk.
xoxo, Liv
She put the books and the note on Sarah's bed and went back to curl up with Alex.
"Mmm, you feel good," Alex murmured, taking Olivia's arm and wrapping it around herself. "That was a long note."
Olivia kissed Alex's temple. "I told her to watch porn and masturbate to get ready for having sex."
Alex giggled. "You didn't!"
Olivia nodded. "I did. I left out the part about the great shower head in her bathroom, though. Wouldn't want to totally embarrass her. Besides, that's why I wrote the note instead of talking to her directly. This way, she can opt to be embarrassed in private if she doesn't want to talk to us about it."
Olivia intertwined their fingers and rested their hands on Alex's stomach.
"Lex, can I ask you a personal question?" Olivia said softly.
Alex swallowed and nodded slowly.
"Do you? Read erotica and masturbate, I mean? Have you, since…"
Alex blushed and shook her head vigorously. "No, not since… I think they're still both triggers. And with you… I haven't needed to. It would be a little ridiculous if I needed to do that, too, wouldn't it?" She turned around to face Olivia. "Do you?"
She stroked Alex's cheek and kissed her. "I have, occasionally, indulged," Olivia said, blushing, but keeping her eyes on Alex. "When I've had a day off while you're at work and I can't get you off my mind. When you were sick and recovering and I needed some stress relief. It's a perfectly normal thing to do, Lex, even if you have more sex than you know what to do with."
Alex laughed.
"It's none of my business one way or the other, really. Your body belongs to you, and the fact that you share it with me is a privilege, but I certainly don't have exclusive rights." Olivia paused. "Can I ask why you've never worked on those triggers?"
Alex shrugged and shifted uncomfortably. "I tried, a few times, at the beginning. But when we did something together and I had a flashback, you were there to make it better, and when I… I couldn't relax enough, and I was afraid someone would walk in like Robert, or that you would be jealous…"
"Hey," Olivia kissed Alex again. "I understand the fear part, but I promise I would never invade your privacy or get upset about something like that. People enjoy erotica, or fantasize, or masturbate for different reasons than they have sex, and as long as we are solid and not doing it to avoid each other I want you to do whatever makes you feel good. Especially since I'm not going to be able to for the next few weeks. Both of us don't have to suffer." She pulled Alex's head into the crook of her neck and held her there. "And as long as you're not thinking about anyone other than me," she said wryly.
"Never," Alex said.
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