A/N: Thanks to Lawslave for working through some of the kinks in this chapter and letting me bounce ideas off her.

Chapter Eleven

Eddie and Jamie did their best to focus on his recovery and not her test results. They kept it to themselves for the time being, Lila agreeing not to share it with anyone even her fiancé. Jamie was moved to a step down floor a week after his stroke. Danny, Erin, and Frank were at the hospital nearly constantly. The only one there more was Eddie. Lila had school and Joey was working. They would come by once a day for a little while.

Erin seemed to come around meal times. Eddie would start Jamie off eating on his own, then if he got tired step in and feed him. While Eddie was discarding the trash, Erin would help Jamie clean up, though, he was tired. Erin's version of helping was to just do it for him. Eddie bit her lip on it because she didn't want to upset Jamie, but he sensed the growing tension between his wife and his sister.

One Friday night, while they rested in Jamie's bed together, Jamie broached the subject. "Eddie…I know you want me to do my best. I know you want me to try hard and get better. I want that too, but this is hard on Erin too. After Mom died, she stepped up and was like my mother. It's hard on her to see me like this."

"It's hard on me to see you like this too," Eddie almost snapped. "But I want you to get well, not stay like this forever. If you don't use what works, honey, you won't recover."

"Still, I wish you'd be a little easier on Erin," Jamie sighed. "What is it with you two? Since the graduation party you've been sniping at each other."

"It goes back a long way Jamie," I sigh. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"I do," he replied. 'Tell me honey. If she upset you, I want to know."

"Do you remember back before we got married?" Eddie asked sitting up so she could look Jamie directly in the eye. "That night, after the rehearsal, I was going to stay with Linda in Staten Island and you were staying at your house. I heard her, I heard everything she said that night."

It still hurt as if Eddie just over heard the words that moment. "The things she said about my dad, that I was going to hold you back in your advancement even more than being a Reagan. I think I remember that she said I didn't have the class to help push you forward. I wasn't good enough for her baby brother."

Jamie sighed, "You held that in all these years? Twenty eight years…Eddie…" Jamie sighed and cupped her cheek. "Did you hear what I said to her?"

Eddie shook her head admitting she didn't hear. Jamie lifted her chin, "Look at me. I told her this then and I'll say it now…" Eddie knew how hard it was for him to be talking so much but the more he did it, the more his speech cleared up making it easier to understand him. "I told her that I was going to marry you that I was going to put that ring on your finger and make you Mrs. Jamison Reagan. I told her that I didn't care about 1PP, that I didn't want to be commissioner. All I wanted was to marry the love of my life and I did it." Jamie kissed Eddie's hands, "And she told me, that she was happy for me, if you made me that happy she'd have to love you. She does love you, sweetheart, in her way. But it's like me and Steven, he's the man that took my baby away, you're the lady that took me away…She really mothered me after I lost Mom. There's something else though." Jamie could read his wife too well.

Eddie sighed, "When I was sick, I went to Erin for help. Legal help. I wanted papers drawn for the kids and…she referred me, she didn't help me and keep it in the family. Then I was having such a hard time, I needed her to just support me the way you and Linda did, and your dad…"

"And you felt that she didn't because…"

"She didn't because I was doing it without you. We never made a loyalty her and me, a female loyalty that I have with Linda. The male loyalty you have with your brother."

Jamie nodded, "So this old wound, it got reopened how?"

"Steven's graduation party," Eddie replied. "After they announced. I overheard her talking to Lila…"

"It'll be so much fun, we can go shopping for a dress and flowers…" Erin was saying. She didn't get to plan Nikki's wedding, she had eloped. Eddie was in the kitchen cleaning up as they talked.

"Yes, and you know the best shops too, Aunt Erin," Lila gushed. "Oh, can you call that friend of yours for me, the one that does the videos, I want to do videos of me and Steven through our lives and dating during the first dance."

Eddie felt her heart ache. Erin was Lila's godmother, they had a close relationship, but this was her moment. This was her little girl that she carried, that she raised side by side with Jamie. This was their time with their daughter before she left their home, but here was Erin already pushing.

Eddie continued to clean up, without the promised help from Erin and Lila. Linda saw her face, "She's just excited, Eddie. We will make this very special all of us together if you want. I'm so happy for Lila and Steven, even if he is a fireman."

Eddie forced a laugh, "Jamie is dying over that one, but he knows Steven is Lila's Jamie. He knows that she loves him and he loves her."

Lila came into the room, "Mom, Aunt Erin said she could get me an appointment for my dress at Kleinfeld's. Can you imagine one of those gorgeous gowns on me?"

Eddie felt her heart drop, they had money but a Kleinfeld gown…that was ridiculous expensive and totally impractical. That wasn't Erin's place, it just wasn't. "Aunt Erin says that a lot of important people will come because of Dad and Grandpa and that my dress has to make a statement."

Eddie nodded, "We'll shop around honey, and we'll find the perfect gown sweetie." Eddie kissed her head and tried to tune out her excited ramblings about a designer gown.

"We can't afford a $10,000.00 dress and filet mignon and those kinds of things. We have the money we need to give her a nice reasonable wedding."

"I know honey," he replied. "And Lila will understand all that, she was just excited…"

"You don't understand Jamie. That's my time with my daughter, that's a special mother and daughter time that I didn't get to have with my mom. Time that I want to have with me and Lila," Eddie sighed. "Since that day, maybe even before that day, I never felt good enough for you in her eyes. Now I'm not good enough to give my daughter a beautiful wedding and apparently not even good enough to take care of you. She makes me feel small, Jamie. And I'm sorry I'm not going to compete with her for you or Lila."

"I'll talk to her," Jamie sighed. "You do not have to feel like this, Eddie. You are my wife and Lila's mother and that is first. I will talk to her."

Eddie felt confident that Jamie would do as he promised her. "Now, let's talk about Tuesday. I am going to talk to the doctor about my being with you when you get your results. I'm stronger, I can go in a wheelchair bus and sit there and hold your hand."

"Jamie, no." Eddie sighed, her heart warmed by how dedicated he was to her even now. "You are not well enough, your blood pressure is not stable enough. You cannot leave this hospital for any reason, okay?"

Jamie felt angry, he was working so hard to get well and be able to go home to his family. He felt he'd recover better in his own bed, just like Frank had told him he would. He made a mental note to send for Joey to be there for his mother and speak to Danny about the modifications being made to the house. Jamie knew his older brother was helping make the two story house accessible for him as he recovered.

Jamie changed the subject to sports and the negotiations that were still ongoing but now in the hands of his support staff. "We're closer," Eddie assured him. 'Actually after your stroke, more than half the sick officers had sudden recoveries."

Jamie smiled, "Some good has come from this then I see." He was getting tired and his eyes were closing.

"You're sleepy, try to rest, you have PT a little later. I'll come to help you shower after all right?"

Jamie thought a minute, "Send Joey. I need to talk to him, he hasn't been up to see me in a couple of days and I need to speak to him honey."

Eddie nodded, she was disappointed with her son for not being more mindful of seeing his father. "I'll have him come here after your therapy and when you two are done talking I'll get you showered. I don't like when the nurses do it because they don't make sure you're dried off right. I know you hate to be damp at all after 28 years." Eddie kissed his head.

"Jamie, you know as much as I push you to get well, to do the therapy, you can say quit and I'll understand, you know that right?"

Jamie nodded half asleep already, "I know that baby. Will you stay just a little more until I fall asleep?"

Eddie knew she's only be there a split second, but she agreed and held his good hand until his grip relaxed. Three point four seconds after his sweet request.

For the last week, Jamie's physical therapy consisted mostly of massages. The therapist would rub his paralyzed leg and arm stimulating the circulation and the muscles there. Yesterday and today, he had been doing some more work. When he woke from his nap, Eddie was gone, and Callie, his therapist was there. "How about we surprise your wife and get you sitting up in a chair today?" she asked. "We are going to work on balance and helping you to find your center. Your stroke is making you lean to the right, and not only is that bad for your back and rib cage, it looks pathetic. We can't have the Commissioner of New York's police looking pathetic."

Jamie laughed as Callie adjusted his bed then showed him how to turn. "Put all your weight on your right hand and your right foot and use the side to push and turn yourself towards the right until you're lying sideways."

Jamie listened carefully and followed her directions. After a few false starts and a lot of grunting and grinding he made it to that position. "Now, focus on your center…and use your abdominals to pull up as straight as you can."

Eddie was in the hallway listening having returned from a quick coffee with Linda and Danny. Danny reported that as soon as he heard Jamie was going home he'd have the ramp put in outside and help get the study converted to a bedroom for Jamie and Eddie. She liked that they would be in the same bed again, she missed that. After 28 years they still held one another at night and cuddled in the morning on the weekends. It was special.

Eddie pulled out her phone and called Joey. "Hey Mom," Joey replied sounding somewhat cheerful. "What's going on?"

"Not much, Dad's doing his PT right now but he wants you to come by the hospital as soon as possible, he wants to talk to you," Eddie told him. "He asked for you to do this, Joe, but I'm telling you to do it."

"Mom, I was there a couple days ago, he's doing a lot better, and I'm better to him on the streets," Joe protested.

"Maybe but today he asked for you to be here, he wants to speak to you alone and I am telling you that you will honor his wishes."

Joey smiled, his mother's claws were out and sharpened. "Okay I'll be by in a half hour. You need anything, a sandwich or anything? Can Dad eat that salad he likes or no?"

"Yeah, he can eat that," Eddie replied. "And some of that tea we like too. Thanks honey."

Eddie hung up and listened to Callie give instructions. She knew she'd need those same hints for Jamie to get around at home. She was strong but he was still muscular and she'd have a hard time moving him about in bed.

Joey arrived with two cups of chai tea and salad for his dad. Callie was just leaving the room, "You can go in now, Eddie. Jamie has a surprise for you."

"Callie, this is our Joseph. He works out of Jamie's old precinct." Eddie patted Joey's back. "Let's go see your dad then the two of you can talk."

Eddie took the salad and Joey carried the tea. They were both surprised and happy to see Jamie sitting up in the hospital chair. His legs were elevated and his arm braced on the arm but he smiled. "Joey…I'm glad you came."

Joey was happy to hear Jamie's speech clearing up. "You sound so good, Dad. I got you that salad you like with the cheese and stuff in it. I asked them to cut it up small for you so you can get it down."

Jamie's heart was warmed by that gesture. "Eddie, can you please let me speak to Joey alone?" Jamie asked. He had to tell him about his mother and get him to help.

Eddie kissed Jamie's cheek, "Chew carefully okay," she reminded him then left to let him talk to their son alone. "Sit down, Joe."

Jamie took a deep breath, "Joey, I need you to take off day after tomorrow and go to the doctor with your mother. I want to be there but I can't and you're our son…You and I have discussed before if something happened to me."

"Yeah, we did, Dad but…" Joey began but Jamie cut him off.

"It might be back, Joe. She had a positive blood test, the cancer might be back,' Jamie said his voice breaking and losing so much of its strength. "If it is I want you to be at her side since I can't be there and bring her immediately to me after, do you understand?"

"Dad, yeah, of course I will but…"

"It's not definite, Joe but it's possible," Jamie sighed. "She's so tired here with me all the time and I'm worried about her. Take care of her for me, Joey. She needs that so badly now. Not us at odds. I know you hate me, but this is your mother."

"I don't…" Joey's voice broke as he heard Jamie say he hated him. "I don't hate you, Dad, I'm just upset at you right now but…Mom is number one for me you know that. I have her. You get well for her and I'll take good care of her until you do."

As they talked Jamie lost some of his posture. He was slumping over to his side and not sitting up straight. Joey hated how that looked, "Dad, let's get you a couple of pillows and prop you up before Mom comes back in." It upset Joey to see his father that way, leaning over without the ability to correct it, he could only imagine what the same sight would to do Eddie.

Joey got pillows and corrected Jamie's body, "There, I have to go but, don't worry about Mom anymore, I'll take care of her." Joey patted Jamie's good hand and headed out the door.

Joey and Eddie sat in the doctor's office. Joe was ill at ease, the memories of his mother's bout with cancer when he was 7 still fresh in his mind. He remembered how hard she tried to be there for him, but he also remembered peeking into his parent's room, late at night, watching his father cry as he watched Eddie sleeping so uneasily from the pain she was suffering. He knew most of that was her medication, that she was so sick from trying to get better, but he couldn't shake the memories.

Eddie was lying in their bed, just out of the hospital after vicious flu virus had attacked her already frail body. She'd had her chemotherapy that day, her first after being sick. The pain in her joints plagued her even in sleep. Jamie was afraid to lie down in the bed. He was afraid he's jostle the bed and cause her more pain. It seemed that was her life now, nothing but pain.

She turned in bed and moaned, "Ssh, baby." He soothed. "Ssh, I'm here." His voice seemed to soothe her, but nothing soothed him. She was so sick now, and looked it. There was nothing that he could do but sit and pray.

As he watched her toss her head and make small pitiful noises Jamie felt his heart ache. No amount of hand holding, facing washing or soft words could stop her pain. He felt his throat ache and started to cry. This was his time to let it go. He was surprised when he heard little feet and felt Joey's little arms go around him.

"Don't cry, Daddy," she said hugging him as tight as he could. "Mommy is getting better, you said."

Jamie was so ashamed crying in front of his son, "Joseph, what are you doing standing in the door way like that? You are supposed to be in bed, not standing in the doorway spying on your mother."

"But I wasn't…" Joey protested. "I heard…"

"Get in bed!" Jamie ordered getting up to take him back to his room. "Mommy is sick and needs her rest, you get back in bed."

All he wanted to do was give his Daddy a hug…that's all he wanted to do. Daddy loved to hug, at least he did. Now he didn't love anything, not from him. He loved Mommy and he loved Lila but he didn't love him, not anymore…

"I'm sure it's okay, Joseph, stop worrying," Eddie implored him. "Between you and your father, you worry way too much."

"He's taking a long time," Joe sighed. "Dad's going to get himself all worked up if we take too long and they said..."

"Dad has sat with me over three hours to hear I was clean because they were backed up, it's okay, he'll understand. Why don't you go get some air and I'll text..." The doctor came in before Eddie could finish.

"How are you feeling Eddie?" he asked sitting down with her file.

"Fine, I'm a little tired spending so much time at the hospital with Jamie, but he's doing much better. He's been sitting up now in the afternoons and he's eating better and on his own much more." Eddie was so proud of Jamie she was beaming.

"That is very good news, I'm so happy to hear that." The doctor opened her file. "Well, the results from today are the same as the ones we did last time. The PET scan and CT are clean, but you blood panel is still elevated and off. I think it's prudent to get you started on some chemoprevention medication. If there is something cooking in there we want to kill it now."

Eddie sighed, she didn't need this now. "And if I don't choose to take the medication and just wait..."

"If you choose not to take the pills and wait we run the risk of whatever is there now becoming bigger and requiring something more invasive."

"Mom" Joey said quickly. "You have to take the pills, Dad will flip out if you don't take it."

"Joey, those pills make you feel so tired and sick. And they make you gain a lot of weight. I need to be in the best shape I can when Dad gets home. The pictures are clear, honey."

"Mom, if you just let it go until the picture isn't clear and you have to go through the Hell again...and maybe this time you don't make it. Dad will die then too, he won't be able to handle seeing you suffer again or God forbid losing you!" Joey didn't realize he was screaming at his mother. If Jamie heard him speaking like this it wouldn't matter if he was 24 he'd take him over his knee. "You're being ridiculous and stupid!"

"Joseph!" Eddie gasped. She was already feeling so much emotion at this news and her fears for Jamie, she didn't need her son snapping at her in front of the doctor no less.

"Perhaps I should give you two sometime."

"No, time is necessary. My father asked me to take care my mother. She'll take that medication you were talking about if that's what you think she needs to do. If it makes her sick, then we'll find someone or someplace to care for Dad until she can do it."

There were very few times in her life where Eddie could do nothing but sit and cry, but this was one of them. She grudgingly took the script from the doctor and was instructed to repeat her blood panel in two weeks' time.

All the way to the hospital Eddie worried about Jamie. How could she go in there and tell him this news? That she was going back on the medication was one thing but Joey having embarrassed her that way, too. Joey was remorseful on the drive over.

"I'm sorry, Mom, I really am," he said trying to give her a hug. "I just...it is silly to risk yourself. Dad won't want you to risk yourself for him, you know that. I don't want to lose you or him either." His words were falling on deaf ears for the moment.