The part of my heart that had been mangled and split in two just got put in a grinder then and there. I wanted to die. The pain was so intense I couldn't breath, I couldn't be in the room with them anymore.
As I pushed my way out of the room, Carlisle had taken Edward in his arms as well and the three of them stay huddled together, Edward's sobs following me down the halls as I fled.
I had to get away, go somewhere, anywhere but here. My crying I couldn't stop as I got into a taxi and headed home. On the ride home the taxi driver kept glancing back nervously as I gasped every couple seconds for air.
It seemed I couldn't even do something as simple as breathing without ruining it.
"You okay miss?" The driver asked when it took a particularly long time for me to catch my breath and a new set of sobs racked me.
"Never better." I croak as we approach my apartment. I toss some money to the driver not really paying attention to how much I gave him and flee to the building, as the driver calls after me that I gave him a hundred dollars. I don't look back.
My apartment was no comfort. It feels like the walls are crumbling down around me, trying to suffocate the life from me. I gathered my purse again, shoving a couple bottles of pain pills into it and leave not knowing where I am going as I head down to the garage where my car is parked.
I don't ever use my car for going out as I am usually too drunk or high to drive.
The sun is rising as I steer the SUV out of the garage and down a random street.
I drive for hours and but don't really feel the urge to stop. I am tired but I have to get away. I feel like if I stay in this city for one more minute I will go crazy.
When I finally take note of the signs on the highway, I realize that I have already gotten pretty far from home. I laugh manically at the thought that I ever had a home. That I ever had friends. Everyone hates me now.
Unable to keep my eyes open anymore I pull into a lodge looking place where there are cabins lining a lake. I have no idea where I am an I find that I don't care. No one else does, why should I? I check in and the receptionist girl chats with me about something but I am vacant and she seems to realize this and stops talking and hands me my key, pointing me in the direction of my cabin.
I don't see a thing about the place as I collapse onto the bed in my cabin. I dig in my purse and find one of the bottles of pain killers I have and I dry swallow as many as I can and drop my head into the mattress and sleep.
But sleep is hardly a reprieve as nightmares ensue, but they are nothing compared to my harsh reality.
Edward
Alcohol on an empty stomach plus a lack of sleep and a night of trauma equals a really fucked up Edward. The sun was setting when Emmett tried to talk me into going home for the night but I couldn't get myself to move.
Everyone else had gone home hours ago, promising to return after they got some sleep.
I couldn't even consider leaving, but it hardly had a thing to do with Alice. Sure I was concerned about her, but I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that was the reason I refused to leave this spot. Truth be told, I kind of hoped that Bella would come back, and if she did I wanted to be here.
For what? I haven't really gotten to that part in my head yet. I just knew the way I left things with her wasn't right.
I let my anger get the best of me. I spoke to her in a way I never spoke to anyone in my life shouting words at her that I didn't mean but I knew they would hurt her the most. I wanted her to hurt just as much as I was and I threw her down on the ground like she was nothing to prove it.
Angry or not, if I ever loved her I should not have treated her like garbage.
After a very long talk with my dad, I was feeling like a pretty big jerk.
The scum of the earth is more appropriate description. He calmly explained to me and Emmett what had happened that night and though it was a bit disturbing to hear this kind of stuff from my father, at least I got the story straight. He had know Bella before I even knew her. When she was a kid. He had worked a couple times with Bella's father. The night that Bella had moved out of my apartment they had ran into each other.
This I could not help but blame myself for. If I had not been the moron I was, she would have never left and none of the rest would have happened. Dad explained that he was taking a break from Esme at the time, they were having problems after her miscarriage and she didn't want him around for a little while.
She blamed him for the miscarriage and many other things that were beyond his control and for some strange reason he let her.
He didn't argue, he just listened to what she had to say and did what she told him to. She was hurting and if she needed to blame someone else for her pain in order to get through this, he wasn't going to fight her on it, even if he was hurting too.
He had wanted the child just as much as Esme did. I remember his excitement when he told us she was pregnant, we were just as excited.
A baby brother? It would have been great. But the loss of the baby had been just a little too harsh of a blow for Esme and she wasn't seeing clearly. She thought that she was the only one who mourned the little guy. In truth, Emmett and I did as well.
So Dad drove a few cities over to take a break. He was feeling depressed, worried that when he returned home Esme would be gone and suddenly he see's Bella who he hadn't seen since her mother passed away.
He simply wanted to say hi to her then retire to his room but something in her eyes matched his own. Their anguish was mirrored in each other. They were both hurting, he explained to us. She looked like she was barely holding herself together and he felt the same way.
His love for Esme was something that never faltered, but the fact that it seemed like she might not love him anymore hurt him intensely. He asked Bella to have dinner with him. He explained to us that he had no ulterior motives in this. He simply craved the company of another soul very badly and it seemed Bella did too.
At dinner after he told her of his unfortunate situation, she vaguely informed him of a boy she loved so intensely that it hurt. She insisted that this boy did not feel the same so she had to leave or her love for him would destroy her. At this I cried, dad and Emmett pretended not to notice as dad continued his tale.
They had too much to drink at dinner, trying to fight the demons that plagued them both and he walked her to her room and helped her in. Now I have always known dad is not much of a drinker so it is not impossible to believe he needed to sit down after helping Bella into her room. He explained that he sat on her bed then when he moved to go, Bella asked him to stay just a couple more minutes.
He said she sounded so desperate for human contact he couldn't help but hold her and he soon found that he was just as desperate. He said he let his need get the better of him and that we didn't need to hear the details of what happened next. As sick as it sounds though, I wanted to know.
I craved to know all the details of my father's one night with the girl who has been my obsession since I met her. I wanted to him to tell us where he touched her, if she reacted the same way as when I touched her. I wanted so badly to know if they did it just once or if they had sex multiple times that night. The thought made my blood boil so I had to convince myself it was just the once. It angered me beyond words to know that my dad had seen and felt what should only be mine.
He had been inside the girl who occupied my every thought, felt the heat from a body that should only know me. In and out, he must have pounded into her until they peaked. The girl I loved. He had released into this girl, his seed pouring into her tight little slit. I imagined it overflowing from her small opening as he continued to pound into her till the tremors of their bodies stilled.
Had he tasted her? Licked the flesh that I had tasted? Did she taste him? Her perfect little mouth on him? Her silken hair caressing his skin…It was too much. I had to take deep breaths to keep from screaming. It was bad enough that Emmett had been with her the one night when we were trading. Even with him I remember I had listened desperately to him talk about his night with her, soaking up every little detail he would offer, oblivious as to how I felt about her at the time.
I remember he spoke of how rough they were, of how she liked it hard.
Emmett rattled on about how they had spent the night biting, pinching, squeezing and even slapping each other in strange places. He said that she was fiery little thing. They woke in the morning covered in bruises and scratches.
He showed me the bite marks on his shoulders and chest where she bit into him when he came inside her. I ate up every little detail. He even told me of how he went down on her. Tasting her in places I never got the chance to taste at the time.
It was excruciating to hear but I wanted to know, I had to know it all.
But my father? She had been with my father! It was too much to bare.
I wondered if she thought of me at all when she was with my father? Probably not. But it didn't stop me from imagining her seeing my face before she came, with my dad thrusting inside her.
I knew I should be disgusted with my abnormal thoughts but it seemed my obsession for Bella knew no bounds. Even now, I hated her…yet I couldn't leave in hopes of seeing her.
When dad finished telling us about how Bella freaked out when she realized that he was our father, I felt a bit better. Dad said she went hysterical, that she screamed out uncontrollably, that she vomited repeatedly and cried till her throat was raw. She had been inconsolable. He said she hated herself instantly, he could see the self loathing in her eyes, the disgust with herself. He said he knew she was feeling these things because he was feeling the same exact things too.
He said he would never forgive himself, which is why he knew I would never forgive him. I said nothing. In truth, I don't think I can forgive. Even if I wanted to forgive, I know I can't forget. I could move on, I could let it pass, the intense pain of it fading to a dull sting; but the memory would still burn fresh in my mind. I need to see her.
My head is throbbing as I sit like a crazy man in the waiting room.
But I just can't leave, I hate her but I can't leave. I love her too much.
I wonder if love can ever cancel out the hate I feel. I pray that it can.
Bella
I must be dead. That is the only conclusion I can come to. Shouldn't I be a bit sadder at being dead? Maybe it dying was what I needed huh? Oh Oww! No, definitely not dead. I wouldn't be in this amount of pain if I was.
"Miss Swan? Can you hear me?" A voice asked
"Uh yeah you are kinda yelling!" I answer, the pain in my head becoming worse as I open my eyes. I am in the room at the lodge still. Not dead as I kinda sorta hoped I would be.
"We knocked and knocked Miss Swan and thought that something must be wrong so we came in." The front desk lady was explaining as though I cared.
"S'okay. Thanks for checking on me. I wasn't feeling very well." I say trying to shoo this woman and a man who must be her husband out of my room. I close my eyes but I hear no sign of movement so I know they aren't gone.
"Uh thanks and all but you can go now. Just charge whatever you need to my account, I need some rest." I say trying to give them the boot.
"Miss Swan, I don't know if you are aware that you have been here for almost a week now. You haven't left a single time, and from the looks of your room you haven't been out of bed since you arrived." The woman says sounding concerned.
Great. I have been asleep for a week and I have perfect strangers worrying about me too. Groggily I pull myself out of bed, grab my purse and head out of the cabin to my car. The sun looks like it is about to set, and I have no idea what day it is.
"Miss, where are you going? You don't look so well. Maybe you should rest?" The lady calls to me as I climb into the SUV.
"I tried that, you wouldn't leave." I reply before starting the engine and driving away. It's a little hard for me to see as I am so drowsy, but I head in the general direction of home. Not really much to look forward to there but at least no one will bug me.
I try my hardest to think of some reason I should be allowed to live, go on and be happy. Nothing comes to mind. Because I know. I know deep down that Edward is the one I wanted to be with in the end and now that's not possible.
Everyone else, no matter how much I liked them, they can't compare to him. I don't think I know how to live life without him in it anymore.
Our veins of life are too intertwined, maybe he cut his easily but for me to cut them would surely kill me.
A very annoying sound pulls me from my thoughts and I realize it is someone's horn. I am being honked at by several cars as I apparently didn't note that I am going about 20 miles below the speed limit on the highway. I speed up and as I see my exit. The place I fled just a week ago is now only minutes away and it fill me with a sort of comfort. So what if everyone hates me. It's my home, I shouldn't be afraid to go home.
Jasper
For nearly a week I had been calling Bella to no avail. I visited her apartment several times and got no answer. No one had spoken to her, seen her or knew a thing about her whereabouts since she left the hospital that day.
Everyone had been so concerned with Alice and the drama with Carlisle and Edward that they failed to notice the source of the drama herself, Bella. Now that Alice was doing fine and resting at home, I couldn't help but wonder where Bella was.
Everyone had treated her so horribly, myself included. Why did we let her play Alice's sick little games? Because we were all just as sick. Bella was a novelty to us. A shinny new toy. A toy everyone wanted to play with. No one cared about the feelings of that toy. They pretended to. Pretended to be her friend, but were any of us really?
You wouldn't think so by the way we treated her and let her be treated.
So she slept with Edward's dad…So what? We had all done plenty worse. And I mean worse.
Long before Bella came along we were doing these things. Edward and I would bag girl after girl each night and never think twice about it. We lost our virginities at age fourteen to call girls my dad hired for us and we didn't care. We liked it. We were switching partners secretly too, long before Bella came into the mix.
Alice and Tanya were just thirteen when they let some college guys fuck them at a party. We were stealing pills and alcohol from our parents in junior high and Irina had her first abortion the summer before freshman year in high school.
We fucked teachers, our parents friends, we let people use us. We were high all day every day and no one cared about us or what we were doing.
We played rough, a couple times we noticed the injuries on each other, where the older lovers got too rough with us young kids and we didn't fight back, where we cut ourselves to hide from the pain from not being loved, where we played those dangerous games of choking during sex, or where just plain intoxicated stupidity took its toll on us. Crazy shit. Shit no one would believe even if we told them. So we never did. The only reason we slowed down was the whole mess with Rosalie.
When those guys raped her like that man, it scared us all. We really thought she wasn't going to make it and that made us rethink the way we were living. Sure, we still did crazy stuff, but this time we limited it to each other for the most part. They almost killed her. We couldn't believe something like that could happen to one of us.
But we hurt those guys right back. Badly. Me, Edward and the rest of the guys found out who they were and punished them in ways no authority could.
Money bought us the privilege of not having to worry about consequences.
I heard rumors that some of the other girls had been forced into having sex on a couple of occasions, but they weren't hurt like Rosalie was, and they were so used to that kind of abuse that they didn't say anything. And even after her rape, Rosalie dropped back into routine with all of us, but this time she was harder, tougher.
She wouldn't take crap from anyone and would take down anyone stupid enough to try and hurt her again in any way. I've seen her on too many occasions tearing people to shreds, with both her venomous words and her hands. Hurt them before they hurt you became her mantra for a while.
I guess that's why we all liked Bella so much when she came into our group.
She wasn't like us, corrupted and Irinad. She could still see good in life.
She made us see good. I mean, we had fun before her but when she came it was like we started over. Edward and I didn't fuck as many girls, we didn't need to. Sex wasn't another outlet, it was fun again. Rosalie softened a bit, letting people get closer to her inch by inch. But in Bella's newness we saw a challenge. Break the new toy.
We saw in her a game, to corrupt her as well. We may have got her to play our games but we couldn't touch her core. Who she is, is still who she was only a little more seasoned. Seasoned, but not hardened. I think the things her dad did to her so young made her almost immune to our cruel ways of showing love and affection. But everyone, no matter how strong has a breaking point, a point in which they become ruined. I hope we didn't ruin her.