Her steps grew smaller and her feet felt heavier the more distance they brought between them and missile's target. She kept looking back, seeing nothing but trees and thicket, leaves and dirt. Her mind used the forest scenery as a canvas, showing her mother, Marcus, Octavia and Raven, Lexa's people she had come to know by name and those she had only seen in passing.
Every time her instincts screamed for her to turn around and run back to warn them, to save them all. And every time she reminded herself why she couldn't, feeling herself being torn apart on the inside, her heart battling her mind leaving her with nothing but the dry and bitter taste of defeat the harder she tried to come up with an alternative solution but couldn't.
The Commander was leading the way, her head and torso covered by a large scarf to hide her from preying eyes. Clarke couldn't tell what fabric it was made of nor which color it had as it seemed to change depending on the light. It reminded of the camouflage clothing used in the military, except it seemed more natural and was much more efficient. Lexa managed to blend in so perfectly with her surroundings, whenever Clarke glanced back the way they had come, it took her a moment to spot the brunette and it was usually her moving through the thicket that gave her away.
She had been given a similar scarf, large enough to cover even her backpack, and was now pulling it a little tighter around her shoulders as night started falling, cooling down the air quickly. She wondered how much further the Commander was planning on going when she watched her starting to climb a steep hillside.
The blonde stopped and put her head back to be able to see the top where the last rays of sunlight touched the ground. Clarke sighed when the climb stretched a good 25 meters into the sky. She made sure the fabric hiding her blonde curls was knotted tightly enough around her to keep it from slipping before she followed after the Commander who was halfway up already.
The blonde frowned. Watching her made it look so easy. To Lexa the slope didn't even seem to be a challenge at all, her feet finding the best spot to be placed easily, her hands grabbing hold of roots and noiselessly she moved upward.
Clarke had a much harder time following after her, her feet kept slipping and the stretch to the next root always seemed just out of reach. She started wondering what kind of training the brunette had been through to be able to move like that.
As sweat pearls collected on her forehead with the effort of the climb, she found her mind wandering, imagining a much younger Lexa when she had yet to become the Commander. She wondered if she had always been this focused and driven and put living for the greater good of the clan.
Clarke was halfway up the hillside by now, panting and feeling the muscles in her arms and legs burn. The light of the day was quickly fading and she could only make out the Commander's silhouette standing at the edge as she looked up. She was expecting the brunette to comment yet again on how she was moving as gracefully as a two legged deer but the only sound was the sound of the dirt she tread loose with her boots, rolling over old brittle leaves to the ground and the silhouette disappeared.
She took a deep breath and released it slowly before she continued on her way up and the higher she climbed, the steeper the slope seemed to get and the less strength she had left in her body. Her fingers kept slipping from the roots offering their support and her feet hardly managed to find a place to rest.
With an arm's length left to conquer, the hillside was almost vertical and Clarke just couldn't tell how the Commander had made it up here so effortlessly while she was hanging on for dear life by now, gasping for air and covered in sweat. Gritting her teeth, she willed herself to move on and put everything she'd left into a leap toward the edge. She managed to reach the soft forest ground with her hand but the ground was too loose to support her and crumbled under her fingers.
Her calves were cramping up with the effort it took to keep her weight balanced on the two inches of footing her feet had managed to find. Instinctively she held her breath, digging her fingers deeper into the dirt but she kept slipping and felt her body tip backwards.
Clarke felt panic fill her chest and the dirt crumble under her toes, her body trembling with the effort it took to keep holding on. Her fingertips were reaching the edge and in that second before her body was pulled backwards toward the ground by its weight, she felt like she had gone deaf from one second to the other, no sound able to reach through to her.
In that second of weightlessness, she saw her father being pulled from the metal floor of the Ark and out into space, his body floating almost peacefully among the blackness lit by a million stars in the distance. In that second she felt peaceful, almost as if her father wanted to tell her that dying wasn't something she had to fear, that he would be there to welcome her on the other side.
Reality hit her even harder when she felt gravity pull at her. Clarke closed her eyes, she didn't want to see the ground coming closer or the sky move away from her. Her arms were paddling in the air, desperately trying to grab hold of something and when one finally did, Clarke was too perplexed to make much use of it.
She felt her fall being broken and a sudden jolt go through her body as it hit the slope. Her eyes opened to find Lexa kneeling at the edge, both her hands holding on to Clarke's arm by which she was now hanging over the abyss. She couldn't help but glance down for a moment but it had gotten so dark by now that all she saw was blackness underneath her dangling feet.
"Clarke!", Lexa pressed through gritted teeth to get the blonde's attention and when she looked back at the Commander, the effort it took to keep her from falling was written all over her face.
The realization she had just escaped death by a nose finally made its way through the panic and she kicked at the slope to find enough footing to be able to push herself up. The Commander was putting all of her weight against the blonde's, her fingers so tightly around her arm her knuckles were turning white while her face was slowly reddening as she held her breath.
Finally Clarke's foot managed to kick loose a chunk of clay leaving a big enough hole for her toes. She could feel her arm slowly glide through the Commander's fingers and gravity pull her towards the darkness underneath. Her heart was pounding so hard, it made it almost impossible for her to breath and she could feel her mind fog with dizziness.
With the last bit of strength she could muster, she used her footing to jump up and into Lexa's hold on her, throwing the brunette off balance. Somehow she managed to use it to their advantage and threw herself backwards, pulling Clarke up to her waste over the edge. The ground was crumbling under her weight, threatening to give in and take her down with her once again but the brunette reacted instantly.
She was sitting on the ground, her legs spread and heels digging into the ground to keep herself from being pulled towards the abyss by the blonde's weight, hands clenched around her arm and with a scream of effort she pulled as hard as she could while Clarke's legs were trying to get past the edge by kicking continuously and finally she managed to get one knee over and use her weight her advantage.
Pushing herself away from the abyss she was thrown forward by Lexa's pull on her arm and didn't even mind the sharp pain her knee hitting a rock on the ground caused. Gasping for air, she felt her entire body go limp while her heart was still pounding fast and hard and only slowed down reluctantly.
It took a moment for her to realize she was safe and when she did, the soreness settled in her muscles and bones.
She heard Lexa clear her throat but she was not yet ready to open her eyes, not yet ready to continue on this journey wherever she thought they were safe. It wasn't so much the fact she could've just died but simply her body meeting its limits. She had pushed it so hard so far over the past two weeks, she just didn't have any energy or strength left to be a good warrior.
"Clarke…?" Her name was softly spoken, hardly more than a whisper and yet she could hear it clearly. The blonde frowned slightly when she realized, she also felt the breath that had carried it across Lexa's lips brush against her skin and suddenly, she became very aware of the fact that half of the Commander was buried underneath her.
She could feel the brunette's hip press against her abdomen and her chest rise and fall underneath her own, could feel the warmth of her body reach through both their clothing and a shiver run down her spine when she felt another breath brush across her face.
Slowly – reluctantly - Clarke opened her eyes and felt her cheeks flush before she even met Lexa's, a bright emerald this time even in the half darkness. For a moment, time seemed to freeze as she looked at her, their noses only inches apart. She couldn't tell what it was, but something about being this close to her made her heart flutter and throat feel painfully dry.
She expected to see annoyance and impatience in the Commander's face and was genuinely surprised when her features met her eyes with softness and – Clarke frowned once again – a hint of awkwardness?
"I'm…", Clarke began but her voice failed her and only a croaking sound left her throat. She cleared it and tried again, trying to shift off and away from the brunette as casually as possible. "I'm sorry."
Lexa didn't move until the blonde had managed to clumsily scramble to her feet. Clarke didn't dare look at her and instead, took in her surroundings. She couldn't make out much now that the sun had set, the only light its fading red glow. They seemed to be on some kind of plateau and in the distance she could see tiny orange spots she realized were the camp fires within Ton DC.
Ton DC. It suddenly hit her why she was here in the first place and she felt a flicker of hope ignite in her chest. It had been hours since Bellamy's warning. Maybe he had somehow managed to stop the missile from being launched? She stared into the distance as the Commander got back on her feet.
"This way.", she was told and saw the brunette lead the way out of the corner of her eye. Clarke lingered for a moment, thinking about her people, her friends, about Lexa's warriors and begged in silence that Bellamy had found a way to save them before she followed after the brunette and realized their journey had found its end.
Lexa had disappeared into an opening and as the blonde slowly entered she realized it was a cave leading deep inside a mountain. A few feet ahead she could hear some noise and shortly after, a spark momentarily lit Lexa's face before it turned into a flame, quickly growing into a camp fire, lighting more and more of its surroundings.
The fire started to crackle as it ate away the branches and Clarke could make out a ring of stones around it that looked like it had been there for years, maybe even decades. Dust and dirt had collected on every surface no matter how little, even the uneven walls were coated.
Lexa was kneeling on the sand covered ground and fed more branches to the flames from the small pile next to her. Had Clarke really taken this long up the slope that the brunette had had enough time to collect fire wood? Apparently she really did move like a two legged deer, she thought as she watched the Commander stare into the fire.
"Thank you.", Clarke broke the silence and her voice bounced off the walls. She crouched down, putting her palms against the warm flames.
The Commander looked up from the fire with a slight frown.
"For…", Clarke said and pointed behind her with her thumb, looking back for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "…helping me."
It took a moment before the brunette reacted as if she was thinking about the best way to respond and finally she simply nodded before she looked back into the fire.
"So what exactly is the plan here?", Clarke asked and watched the light of the flickering flames dance on Lexa's face, giving her usual more olive tone a more golden shade and made her already very prominent cheekbones even more dominant. "We just sit and wait?"
"We save our strength until we can use it to our advantage.", the Commander answered quietly and it sounded recited rather than something she truly believed in.
"So sit and wait it is.", Clarke said sarcastically and got back up with a frustrated sigh, putting her hands on her hips and flinched instantly as a wave of pain radiated through her body. Instinctively she lifted her shirt and found a dark blue bruise the size of her hand on her hip. Sighing again she walked back to the entrance of the cave and stepped out into the night.
The air was cool and heavy with a mixture of pine, clay and moss. There was no wind, not even a breeze and in the distance she could hear an owl as she stared at the small dots of light in the distance and felt her heart ache for those they had left behind.
Clarke caught some movement behind her and knew it was Lexa approaching her. Somehow she could tell it was her by the way her presence felt, by the way the back of her neck started prickling when she was just outside her personal space.
"You care for them.", Lexa stated simply and joined her in staring into the distance. "But as a leader you need to care for the cause more."
Clarke could feel her eyes watching her now but her own were held captive by the distance.
"Please spare me your love is weakness bullshit.", she said wearily after a moment and could feel the brunette stiffen next to her. She had no energy left to watch her words or manners with the leader of the tree people. Lexa didn't care about her choice of words so why should she?
"You said that you just stopped caring about everyone.", Clarke continued, her voice a little louder, a little stronger this time and she turned to meet Lexa's eyes. "But I know you cared about Gustus. I could see it in your eyes. And I know you care about all those people we left behind to die in our place."
The Commander's features were hard, her jaw clenched and lips thin. "You tell me I'm weak for caring but you, Lexa, you're just a liar."
She could watch the brunette stiffen further before her eyes, swallow hard and her clenched fists tremble.
"The only reason I am here, the only reason this alliance even exists is because I care. Because I care about my people trapped inside that mountain. Because I care about the injustice Mount Weather has done to all of us."
Clarke's voice had grown a little louder with every word leaving her lips and was standing there, chin pushed forward, eyes narrowed with determination and fixed on the Commander.
Her eyes seemed almost black as she was staring back at Clarke and where the blonde expected to see anger and outrage she found only a storm she didn't know how to read. Lexa's features had softened, her lips slightly parted and the breath that left them was shaky.
The blonde's aggression faded and her muscles unclenched at the sight. She seemed different somehow, less superior and more vulnerable. She had seen her like that before, just hours ago when Gustus had taken his last breath.
Lexa turned her head to avoid her searching blue eyes and looked into the distance where the orange dots of the camp fires painted the location of Ton DC against the darkness of the night.
A moment of silence followed in which the blonde could see the struggle even on her face and the way her breathing was heaving her chest heavily.
"How do you do that? How do you just turn your back on everything that matters, on everyone you care about?", the blonde asked, softer now and watched Lexa closely for any kind of tell from her body she had learned, would say her more than her words but except for breathing, the Commander didn't move. She stayed silent for a moment longer and then turned to look at her.
Her eyes met Clarke's in a way that sent a shiver down the blonde's spine. "Not everyone."
The Commander held her gaze until the full meaning of her words hit Clarke like one ran into a glass door – unexpected and without the chance to protect herself. Her jaw dropped slightly and her eyes were searching in Lexa's and she felt like she was drowning in them.
There were no walls, nothing to guard what their depth held and it took the blonde's breath away.
Never had she been look at the way the leader of the grounders was looking at her now, as if she was looking right into her soul and all its dark corners - behind every door locking away what Clarke couldn't stand knowing every waking second – and wasn't afraid of what she saw. She didn't look at her in the judging kind of way her mother did or the suffocating longing dependency she'd seen in Finn's eyes.
She looked at her and there were no expectations, just admiration and it made Clarke's throat dry and her heart pound three times as fast as it had just seconds ago.
Lexa dropped her eyes to the ground and lingered for a moment longer while the blonde just stood there utterly confused. She wanted to say something but none of the words that rolled onto her tongue would make it past her lips.
"We need to rest.", Lexa said quietly and without looking at her again, she left her standing at the edge and disappeared into the darkness, her footsteps echoing slightly as she entered the cave.
Clarke stared after her and even her mind refused to function properly. It only threw Lexa's last words around her head, bouncing it off her skull and echoing the sound of her voice.
Not everyone. She hadn't left her behind.