Key
Prince Lotor bolted the doors to his suite shut and shoved sturdy furniture against them. The drones had been instructed that absolutely nothing was to disturb him—not his father, and not even Voltron—and that there were creative and terrible deaths in store for any who dared interrupt him.
Lotor stalked over to his multi-purpose black stone table and shoved the general debris of his habitation out of the way. On the table he set three perfect silver hemispheres in a triangle, just as the internet directions had said. The holographic image of a five inch tall woman wearing a bright blue minidress flickered to life.
"Hi," she said with a toss of her bright pink hair. "I'm Starre Juliet and I want to give you the keys to a great relationship. Ready?"
"Yes," Lotor answered, even though it felt wrong and silly. The internet directions had said "full audio interaction."
"So…"
"Prince Lotor."
"So, Prince Lotor, you've found the right girl, or the girl for right now?" the hologram asked.
"I have found the woman I am going to make my bride," he answered.
"Okay! Let's go with the basic keys and elaborate from there, okay? Trust, respect, affection, versatility, agreement, passion, fun, and place. Please answer yes or no when possible. Does the girl—"
"Allura."
"Does Allura trust you?"
"…Well… Trust is a vague concept. I don't trust the witch in my employ but to trust that she will do what she can to ruin me."
The hologram flickered. "Answer yes or no. Does she trust you?"
Lotor sneered at the holographic image. "I'd say no."
"Okay then! Question two—does she respect you?"
Lotor considered. "Yes, she does."
"Okay then! Question three—you have affection for her, but does she have affection for you?"
"No," answered Lotor.
"Okay then! Question four—are you willing to change for a relationship, or do you demand change?"
"I am open to compromise," Lotor said, nodding.
"Okay then! Question five—would you say that you and this girl are generally in agreement?"
"No."
"Okay then! Question six—is she physically attracted to you?"
"Yes."
"Okay then! Question seven—do you two typically have fun when you're together?"
"…No…"
"Okay then! Question eight—are you in similar places in life? The answer does not have to be yes or no."
"We are both of royal blood and destined to be wed. She is ruler of her planet and I have conquered entire systems, and will soon be head of my father's empire."
The tiny blue woman flickered again. "Please wait a moment while I conference with the network regarding your situation." She dimmed and hummed a peppy tine for a moment, then brightened. "Question nine—have you attempted bride kidnapping?"
"Yes, with less than satisfactory results, thanks to Voltron."
"Yeah, don't do that. Here's your personal key: cut out anything remotely related to bride kidnapping, and then ask me again later if that doesn't work," Juliet Starre said before vanishing.
Word count minus notes: 500
A/N: I don't know whether Lotor deserves commendation for the *coughreallysneakyandtotallyoutofcharactercough* effort at getting help with wooing Allura, or to laugh at the epic failure. In the original version he phoned into talk radio, but even I wouldn't subject Lotor to that. But for now I hope people enjoy his torment.