Greetings to one and all. I wrote most of this chapter under a mood I can only call blue and thought about how outside of life's events which provoke external emotions, we live internally on many counts. I transferred the introspection to this chapter which is the penultimate one as I'm ready to move on. The next will take place six months later then...finis! Thanks for sharing this with me especially;

BlindLoveFreeSpirit A Shesheismycat story101 Endlessdreamer1024 saturn567 jasmin KittyWittyKate

After a few months of settling back in and getting over what was left of her feelings for Colin, he surprised her by showing up on her day off. The John Hughes marathon she was watching was interrupted by his impromptu arrival which she knew would create on of three things; make-up sex, an argument or guilt. She didn't want to do either or rouse any other fading emotions and least of all to love him again for the cost was too great. He was still nursing the sinking sensation of coming home to find her gone with a six page explicit explanation that couldn't have helped him understand. Having read over it too many times to count, he knew there were things she hadn't said and a fusion of speculation and anger, along with her still life drawings, painted the possibilities in his mind.

"You could have found me; you didn't have to put it in a letter. You're right. I'm sorry. But I meant all of it."

"I didn't have the upper hand Jess; I went out of my mind missing you, wanting to be with you and knowing I couldn't."

"You said you couldn't commit to me but I didn't listen when I should have."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I should've let you go completely instead I held on to the very feelings that put my life in deadlock."

"I tried to make it better and you walked out on me. You said you could deal with it, that you'd meet me halfway and that you wanted in."

"I wanted you, and I was selfish to think I could have all of you when your job is your priority. What was I supposed to do? Make you choose? That's not me and that wasn't us."

"I don't know who I would've become if I didn't choose this life, nothing meant more than having you both. You made me want the horse and carriage and for that; I love you."

"I love you enough to let you move on and find the one. So you can be the person you want to be for you, not for me."

"What aren't you telling me?" She felt the pang of guilt and avoided the question.

When Antonio was called to Bellevue, Ohio to make an assessment of a homicide and a subsequent suicide that had taken place the day before, he was vaguely aware of Anna's say in it. His initial plan was to do the job at hand and fly back to D.C. without crossing paths with her, but that was thwarted when he ended up in her office. The last time he was there, their wedding picture was on the wall and he was tried to talk her into leaving early but her ambition wouldn't allow it. Now a recent picture of Pamela and Sean, her niece and nephew, had replaced it. He tried not to show that it mattered and described his findings.

"Do we have a case?" She asked, wondering what she was thinking by requesting his help. She couldn't help but to feel curious as they hadn't seen each other in over a year. The curiosity took her back to when they were an item, the way he pursued her and gave her everything she wanted except himself. She once called him a fairytale husband; only made for a fantasy; outwardly fulfilling wishes and saying the right things, without the love, substance and truth behind it. To hurt her in return he reduced their marriage to an achievable task; he proposed to her because she knew she'd accept, there was no fear of rejection stopping him. Little did he know; she would analyse that from a hundred different viewpoints until it became fuel for her to file their divorce papers.

He knew her well enough not to mention Nicole; she was an open wound in their former marriage that they had both manipulated to hurt and judge each other with. So he gave her his evidential reports and hypotheses on how the situation came about, relieved to be out of the town wherein they married. Something inside pinned his feet to the floor, made him ramble and barred him from saying the multitude of things he thought about. Already informed by his sister about Anna's engagement, he made an attempt at not sounding bitter. "Who's the lucky guy?"

"Reginald Palmer." She said with ease.

"Reggie Palmer; the linebacker?" He asked, trying not to sound too alarmed, jealous or intimidated.

"Yeah." His facial expression was neutral so as always she couldn't tell how or what he felt.

"Congratulations."

"Thanks." A drawn-out silence followed, until she let out what she'd held onto for a while. "I loved you Antonio."

"I loved you." He told her with honesty. For the first time since their divorce she believed him. "How are Tamara and the kids?"

"Great. They miss your pancakes." She succeeded at making him smile while thinking of asking about their child. She concluded that that was just asking for trouble, she didn't really want to know and if she did; she could count on Francisca's proclivity to tell all to satisfy her curiosity.

"And you?"

"I'm fine." Her short answer defied etiquette as she didn't return the question, namely to avoid hearing about what knew was right to want for him; his happiness.

"Good. The Bureau jet leaves soon. Take care." He kissed her on the cheek and left sharing the same awkward feeling she had.

After a great deal of pleading and persuasion on his part, Nicole agreed to spend the last month of her pregnancy out of work but letting go wasn't easy. Even though she was coming back when their baby was six months old, the idea of being in one spot for a month was punishing. That's what made it harder to do the changeover and pack up her things including a striking wedding picture that captured the look of love in her eyes. His motive was taking her away from the stress and responsibility so she could relax, but those things were key components of who she was.

"Last day blues or baby blues?" Jess asked, entering without knocking.

"Both. I cried more last week than I have all year." She replied, revealing the least of it To her knowledge, she had become difficult to live with and very ambivalent; she couldn't decide whether she wanted him to hold her or get the hell away and her anticipation of the birth was interrupted with bouts of overwhelming anxiety. In both instances she felt guilty for being unbearable and there was nothing he could do or say to bring her out of what her mother referred to as "a funk." Work diverted her attention from her mood swings and now it was out of the picture; she feared she would do harm to herself and or the baby.

"You'll get through it."

"I'd better. What's up with you?"

"My new partner is…different. And, I lied to you before; when Jack took me home he really comforted me. My conscience, which sounds like my mother, was working overtime."

"I'm your friend, I don't agree with it but I wouldn't have judged you."

"With everything you were going through I couldn't tell you. It was wrong and selfish but I did it."

"Did you tell Colin?"

"He believes in me and I can't take that away from him even if it's an illusion."

"Why?"

"Because that blind faith will make him a great husband someday."

That evening Nina accompanied Nicole to the clinic to see Dr. Nathan for the last time before the birth. He was blasé about her symptoms and sent her home, which she refused as soon as the words left his mouth.

"There's nothing I can give you but advice Nicole. Prenatal depression is common amongst expectant mothers. I understand you haven't had the easiest pregnancy but I assure you everything will be fine."

"Then why are all these things happening to me?" Nicole stole the words from Nina's mouth but as soon as she said it, she knew she was wrong. "Forget I said that. You're just a man."

"Actually I'm a doctor," He rebutted, amused by her.

"No offence; I meant mortal not brainless. You're right; I should go home and find some way to deal with it."

"Try yoga, massages and meditation." He suggested.

"Sure." She said abruptly.

"Before you literally rush off, can I ask you something personal?"

"You're the doctor, shoot."

"I noticed the tattoo on your hip. What is it?"

"It's a phoenix. Why? Have you been checking me out?"

"I like to see my patients leave happier than they were when they came in."

Nina insisted that Nicole came to her house, which she didn't do often, as she had something she'd been working on for her. Nicole grimaced at the thought of discussing baby-related things with her mother which they now did most of the time they saw each other. However, her mother gave her a scrapbook of her baby pictures, mostly with her father, the original birth certificate and some pictures from when she was thirteen. Nicole recognised the significance of receiving the only things her mother had for keeps during the long periods they were apart. For two hours she went through it, forgetting about her problems and learning more about herself with every turn of the page.

"When I was pregnant, I needed to be reminded everyday because I didn't believe it. Call it denial but I could not digest the idea of having a baby. Just the other day we were out all night dancing to 'It's your thing." Anyway, after I had you I had what we now call postpartum depression but my mother called 'can't be bothered to keep the house clean or pick up your baby, selfish, lazy-ass irresponsibility.' We didn't bond for the first few months but he took to you straight away. I believe he wanted to make things better for you but he never realised that he needed to change to solve our problems. He loved you and as he grew more into someone I feared, that remained the same. To this very day, I still question if I had the right to take him from you but I can't take it back."

Jasmine strolled in around nine to find her mother, father and half-sister watching Carmen Jones and instantly recalled the hundreds of times she has seen it as it was Nina's all-time favourite film.

"Diamonds ain't what I want of a man."

"If I love him, he don't need no checkbook."

"If I don't, a checkbook ain't gonna do him no good."

"Who's talkin' about love?"

The sensation of the baby kicking broke Nicole's laughter. With one rotating look she could see something was troubling Jasmine; her mannerisms mirrored their mothers'. That appraisal took her back to 1983 and gave her the worst feeling that Nina was right all along; Jasmine was still using and her evasive, guilt-ridden avoidant behaviour was a dead giveaway. Through what must have been telepathy, Jasmine sensed a shift in the room and became more nervous as she was waiting for Nicole to say something.

"Come. Sit." Nicole said with a wavering tone.

"Nicole …"

"Goodnight Jasmine." Nicole said firmly, opening her car door.

"Please. If you just listen…"

"…to what? What do you have to say that I want to hear? Nothing. You lied to me and I believed you."

"What was I supposed to say?"

"Nothing. Now go inside; it's getting cold."

"Not until you hear me out. I don't want you to give up on me like they have."

"They haven't."

"Whatever. A few months before I came over I slipped but when I saw you, I couldn't say I had a relapse because you said you love me…and I believe that."

"I've seen drugs destroy the people I loved the most; Mom lost me, Kelly nearly lost Ethan and it took so long to start rebuilding. You don't have to learn the hard way. So what happened?"

"I went to 10s and 20s and they were playing Dance and House music, you know Hed Kandi, Ultrabeat, and Ministry of Sound. I wasn't feeling the music but after a couple of Es I had a good time.""

The cogs in her mind were turning. "What else happened that night?"

"I don't remember that much…there was a fight over some guy; he wasn't even that cute. I didn't lie about being clean. I lied about the duration. It was a mistake that's behind me."

"I've made many of those and the idealist in me still believes you won't have to but life is isn't like that. Be thankful you can afford to make them."

Nicole was eating leftover Ajiaco that night when she heard "Angel" by Chaka Khan on the radio and immediately identified.

"...Always rearranging the wreckage of her life, ever holding tight to the hope that she'll be free. Needy little baby; open up your eyes, don't you be afraid to feel. Needy little baby hiding deep inside, don't you know your love can heal?"

Under the hypnosis of a voice that pierced through her soul, she didn't hear him sneak up on her. He was relieved to see her in a better mood and had spent the last few hours in Georgetown unwinding with his friends and trying to figure out what had happened between him and Anna. There was no satisfactory conclusion; it just was.

At that point they could have asked each other what they were each dealing with but there was great contentment from being in each other's presence, in a comfortable silence that emphasised the important of what they knew, not what they didn't. She had found the lost pieces of herself in him; the pieces she discarded, left behind and let die because she didn't have the hope to hold on to them. Love had renewed itself enough to be unbreakable. What he felt for her surpassed the limits of any abstract noun that connoted love and the thrill of the chase had lasted long enough to become an enduring high that fulfilled needs he didn't know he had and satisfied those he was well aware of.

"Do you want more kids?" He asked, with his hand rubbing her stomach. They were still lying in the spooning position long after they made love. Restlessness kept them awake.

"I don't think so. Do you still want four?"

"I'm not sure. Wait, why not?"

She exhaled knowing that was something he didn't want or like to hear because it represented their desires for different things; his being family and hers being a challenge. Even though in her eyes they were one and the same, he couldn't help but take it as a bad omen. "Is this about work?"

"No. I left the field because I know it's best for her."

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong; I want her to have all of me. What's up?"

"Nothing." He replied, lying convincingly for once.

"I know there's something. Is it worth knowing?"

"No."

"Anna's engagement knocked you for six, right? What is he, a football player?"

"How do you…Paca. Her mouth needs wiring shut."

"We don't have to talk about it."

"Good."

"But…there are things I'd like to keep just between us."

"Sure."

In the comfort of her revamped apartment Jess was enjoying her new liberated lifestyle in a creative way. Jack was lying in between her crumpled sheets being painted by an inquisitive artist. "Lie still, you're messing with the shadows." She instructed standing behind from the easel.

"I can't talk and give you the botox face at the same time."

"So, is your smugness acquired or a genetic trait?"

"Funny, really. I'd call it a justified, innate feature that has its benefits. Do you like what you see?"

"If I didn't you wouldn't be here. Yes I do. What are you thinking about right now?"

"What the chances are that history will repeat itself. You?"

"Where you'll be in the morning. All I have left to do is your face."

"You'd draw me then throw me out? I feel so used." They both laughed and Jess' pencil formed a post-laughter smile out of the overconfident smirk she had initially started. "Will you hang it up with the rest?"

"No. This is personal. Do you want a relationship?"

"It depends on what kind. Do you?"

"I like the freedom of doing whatever I want; without the commitment or pressure."

"Like an open relationship or friends with benefits?"

"Something like that. I'm almost done."

"You're impressive in the field; I didn't know someone so dainty could be such a hard ass."

"The Bureau's hardly a tea party…and I'm not dainty. There; it's finished."

He used looking at it as another excuse to be close to her. "Hidden talent, I like that."

"What's yours?" He kissed her on the neck. "That doesn't count you know."

"Give me a weekend, I'll show you. You know I'm going back to the Hostage Rescue Team."

"I know. I'll hold you to that weekend though."

In the hospital room, Nicole held on to her baby girl with a love so great it rivalled gravity in force. At once she forgot about her job, the Manolos she had left behind, the twenty seven pounds of baby weight she had to lose, the tequila that put them in this predicament, the and the other people in the room; all she could see was the Maya Isabel, the centre of her world. That joy gave her untold completion, instant solidarity and reassurance that she basked in before handing her over to Antonio.