Chapter Eleven: Joey Collins' Diary
Thursday 26th March 2009
1:13pm
Last night, well, the early hours of this morning was somewhat random. I ended up quite literally bumping into Charlie at 5:00am when I was returning from getting a glass of water. I spilt it over her. She got wet. And cold. I don't think I need to describe the scene. I tried and failed not to look. She was having trouble sleeping so I kept her company on the couch. We watched some TV. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up in her arms a little while later. I was embarrassed. She wasn't fazed at all so I relaxed. It was quite pleasurable.
We got ready really quickly and went for the most entertaining but exhausting run I have ever been on. We got really competitive and started charging across the beach in a race. She won and ended up sprawled in a heap on the sand in hysterics. I couldn't handle the defeat so raced her back to the house and beat her there! Success! We arrived home, nearly taking one of Ruby's friends out as we crashed into the kitchen in a fit of giggles. Charlie then shrieked, "Beat you to the shower!" and dashed off, leaving my mind completely in the gutter. I didn't follow her to the shower in body but I totally followed her in mind. I couldn't help smiling and gazing after her and I am certain that Ruby caught on. I just can't help smiling when Charlie's around though. She makes me so happy. Even with everything that's happened to me, when Charlie's there, somehow everything's okay. And I'm starting to lose my ability to hide my feelings. I'm really worried that Charlie's starting to catch on too and that would probably destroy us. No straight girl wants some lesbian lusting after them. Charlie is one of the broadest minded people I've ever met but even she has her limits. It's strange with her though. Sometimes I think she suspects that I'm developing feelings for her and sometimes I don't think she has a clue. If she does know, she is a complete tease with the way she behaves towards me. Massages, snuggles, feeding me ice-cream, attentiveness, general flirting... it's enough to make me explode sometimes!
We were meant to be going to the lighthouse for a picnic this afternoon but she had to cancel on me at short notice. I tried to pretend I didn't mind but I was really disappointed. I understood, of course. She had a prior engagement and she's already dedicated so much time to me, done so much for me. I shouldn't monopolise her time like I do. But to think that I had a whole afternoon of her company snatched away from me is hard to take. She'd obviously realised it really suddenly because when I came into the kitchen, she'd already packed the hamper and then left it on the table. Still, maybe we can do it another day. I really hope so. Well, there's little point hanging around here by myself pining for her. I might as well go out and find some entertainment. Wow! I must have grown in confidence. It wasn't so long ago that the thought of going out just for the hell of it wouldn't have occurred to me. Progress!
Thursday 26th March 2009
5:16pm
I think Charlie likes Hugo. I know I shouldn't be upset about it but I just can't seem to help myself. I know I'm being ridiculous. It's not like Charlie and I getting together was ever on the cards but I still feel sad. I guess I didn't think this crush through properly. With Charlie lavishing so much attention on me all the time, I pretty much forgot anyone else in the world existed, least of all men that could steal her away from me. She told me a few days ago about how she had almost been on a date with Hugo but he cancelled right at the last minute when she was already there and dolled up and that she'd been mad at him ever since. She'd sworn off men and decided that she didn't want to do relationships or anything for now. But judging by today, she obviously likes him still. She was so rude to him! Okay, those last two sentences really didn't make any sense. What I mean is, she came into the Surf Club and found him hitting on me. Well, she thought he was hitting on me. He was probably just being friendly. I'm not that good at reading flirting signs really, if I'm totally honest – especially when it comes to guys. But if he was trying to make a pass at me, I didn't especially mind. He was nice enough. Like I told Charlie, just because I'm not into that kind of thing, doesn't mean I can't be polite. But she arrived, judged the situation and pretty much told him to piss off. He ran away pretty quickly and she remained in a foul mood. I pointed out how rude she'd been, although I also said I realised that she was just playing bodyguard. But she remained pretty cagey and she rushed off straight away. I hope she's not angry with me or anything. Things were so great between us this morning.
Thursday 26th March 2009
9:59pm
Everything is okay... ish. Charlie isn't angry. And she isn't into Hugo either. Yes, I came out and asked her. Sort of. When she got home from work, I was watching TV and she came to sit with me. She was really on edge and seemed to want to talk about what happened. For one awful moment, I thought she had me sussed and was going to 'let me down gently' and explain that she wanted Hugo but didn't want to hurt my feelings. But it wasn't about Hugo at all. I mean, it wasn't really much better than that but at least I still have Charlie to myself for now. Oh dear, how terrible does that sound? I don't mean it like that. I know she isn't mine.
Right before Charlie found me talking to Hugo, she bumped into Robbo at the beach and apparently it was really intense and freaked her out. So when she saw me, she was still really upset. Obviously I can empathise with that! I admitted how scared I still am of him. I don't get nightmares every single night now, which is an improvement but I do still get them. And I'm aware that even if I can go out and about freely now, I still look for him everywhere I go. The fact that he's not allowed to go near me, doesn't make quite as much difference to me as I had hoped it would. And it frightens me that he would go near Charlie. The thought of him hurting her destroys me. Even the thought of him looking at her makes me hurt. I told her that I keep expecting him to knock on the door. In perfect timing, there was a knock on the door and my heart jumped into my throat. She looked at me, silently telling me to stay there. I wouldn't have been able to get my body to move even if I'd have wanted it to. I was frozen in place and relaxed only when I realised it was Ruby's boyfriend. Charlie and I talked a little more about the Robbo situation tonight. She keeps trying to encourage me to go to some kind of victim support but I really don't want to. I'm fine as I am.
Friday 27th March 2009
10:37am
I had the worst night's sleep. I had one of the worst nightmares I've had since the first few days of... well, you know. I woke up sweating and confused and didn't know where I was for a few moments. I guess I must have been screaming because the next thing I knew, Charlie had bust into the room, looking panicked. She rushed straight over to me, realised it was just a dream and gathered me into her arms. She climbed onto the bed and held me while I cried. I guess it was all that talk about Robbo yesterday that did it. I try not to think or talk about it unless I can help it. I'm dreading the trial. I'll have to think about him then. Am I going to be screaming the house down every night?
This morning, I tried to pretend that nothing had happened. Following my lead, Charlie didn't mention anything. I showered, dressed and flopped on the couch with the newspaper, distracting myself with an article about a shipwreck that Charlie's been looking into this week at work. She brought me a cup of tea without even needing to ask whether I wanted one. We got into a discussion about boats and she found my love of them amusing while I found her lack of love of them horrifying. Leah came in and asked us if we could scoot at around lunch time so that she could have friends over so I suggested that Charlie and I have lunch, considering we missed out yesterday. She agreed but she has to leave me at one thirty because she already made plans. It'll be short but I'll make sure it's sweet. I called Alf earlier and I've managed to hire his boat for the afternoon and I'm going to take Charlie out on it. There is no way that this woman is going to spend her life not appreciating the wonder of being out on the water. Not with me as her friend! I'm going to head out to the Diner soon and get a hamper made up and then surprise her with it. I hope she likes it. I want it to be a special treat for her to say thank you for everything she does for me – for helping me press charges, for the support, for the days out, the lunches, putting a roof over my head, the friendship, the laughter, the protection, for comforting me last night when I was so afraid... The list is endless really.
Friday 27th March 2009
9:39pm
If somebody could give me a damn clue as to what the hell happened today then I would be extremely grateful. A few evenings ago, Charlie and I had the kind of friendship where we could snuggle under the same duvet and she would feed me ice-cream from her spoon. Tonight, she's hiding in her bedroom pretending that she has a migraine. She so does not have a migraine. Liar! She just doesn't want to see me. And she's blaming me for everything. And I stood there and I took all the damn blame like a total loser but now I'm sitting here and I'm thinking, no, it wasn't my fricking fault! There were two of us on that boat. All this time, I've been under the illusion that I was the only one who had feelings but she has feelings for me. Retrospectively, it all makes sense. Platonic friends do not do half the things that Charlie has done with me over the last couple of weeks. She might not have realised what she was doing. She might not have understood her feelings. But they're there. I'm sure they are. Now she's freaking out and hiding away because she's realised it too and she can't handle it.
We met at the Diner at noon, as planned and she was surprised when she saw me with my hamper that Colleen had just filled up. She reminded me that we didn't have a lot of time but I insisted and finally she was smiling and said in that flirtatious way she has, that she was open to being convinced. She really was nervous when we stepped on board but I held her hand and took her to the wheel. Once we were out on the water though, she started to relax and we really had a great time. I showed her how to steer and after a little persuading and some teasing challenges, she took the wheel, but only with me standing behind her, holding the wheel too. It was nice to be in a position where I was more knowledgeable and able actually. That sounds strange but since Charlie and I met, I guess I've really looked up to her. I've looked up to her in a lot of ways. She's the police officer, the one who protects me and took me under her wing. To be able to teach her and show her, to be able to take charge of something and guide her, was a new and powerful experience for me. And it was so lovely to see her let her hair down and really enjoy herself. She really is so beautiful when she laughs.
We had our lunch on deck and Charlie was really pleased with how much attention I paid to the food she likes. We ate and talked and laughed and then I brought the boat back to the wharf and tied it up. Jumping back on board, I started cleaning up our lunch. Charlie started helping but I was aware of the time and pointed out that she ought to go if she didn't want to be late for her friend. But she didn't seem to want to leave. And that made me really happy. Eventually, she decided just to text her friend and cancel and that made me even happier. I teased her about my cunning plan having worked. Looking back now, she looked a little panicked then. I didn't understand it when it happened but now, I wonder if she thought that I'd been planning on seducing her or something. I honestly and truly wasn't. The idea of someone as incredible as Charlie Buckton even looking at me would have been ridiculous until later that afternoon.
She cancelled her plans and we stretched out on cushions on the deck and spent the afternoon talking and enjoying the sun. I told her about my Dad and how impossible he had been. The only time I ever made Dad proud was when we were on a boat. The rest of the time, he didn't like me. He hit me a few times. Mum was pretty passive but we got on well. She told me about her parents. She had a close relationship with her mother but never got enough attention from her father who was always too busy working. He has Alzheimer's now and she admitted that she would give anything to have him back the way he was. I connected the dots and figured out that Charlie became a cop to impress her Dad. She said it wasn't conscious but that it certainly played a part. I told her that her Dad would be proud of her and I really mean it. She is an awesome cop. She got all shy and believes she has a long way to go yet. My next words slipped out before I could stop them. I told her how lovely she was. And she is. To me, Charlie is absolute perfection. I couldn't stop smiling at her. She got all shy and my compliments kept coming. I admitted how she made me feel – happy, able to get through the pain so much quicker, safe... She has done more for me in the last few weeks than my family ever did for me my entire life. I thanked her and dared to touch her thigh. She didn't break away. I remember now that I touched her arm yesterday and she rushed off in a hurry. Today, it was me who broke contact.
One of my favourite songs came on the CD player and I jumped up and started dancing. What can I say? I was high on Charlie's company. I was having a great time, throwing myself around, laughing and watching Charlie giggling at me. I beckoned her towards me but she declined. I wouldn't take no for an answer and hauled her to feet and she very quickly got into it. We were dancing and laughing and having such a wonderful time. Then the track changed.
The next song was Love Only Hurts by Blanche Dubois. It's slow, mushy and atmospheric. It was like everything happened in slow motion. We were standing there facing each other, self-conscious and nervous. Suddenly, it was like the most normal thing in the world, the expected thing would be to reach out, hold each other, dance, and even kiss... which is weird because to both of us, it was the most unexpected thing. I couldn't stop fiddling with my hair. It's been a nervous habit of mine since I was a kid. And I couldn't take my eyes away from Charlie, watching every movement as she touched her face and hair and cast nervous glances around. I tried to smile and I really didn't know where to go from there. My heart was racing at the prospect of maybe holding her for a little while, even if nothing more than that happened. And I was terrified that maybe I was reading it wrong and only imagining the waves of feeling that were pouring from the goddess in front of me. And then I saw it. Her fingers were trembling. She was trying to decide whether to reach out to me or not. So I reached out to her. And she didn't retreat, not then anyway. We were connected. And the gap between us got smaller. And then she reached out to me with her other hand. She reached out to me. She guided our hands up between us so they were chest level and we gazed into each others' eyes. My hands were tingling as she stroked my fingers. It was the most charged moment I have ever experienced in my life. It was so overwhelmingly powerful. If only I could have kept her there for a few moments longer, I might now be stretched out on my – sorry – her bed and know, even if only for a moment what it's like to kiss those beautiful lips. But she caught herself. She got frightened right at the last moment, let go of my hands and ran away. She mumbled something about having to go and that it was great, grabbed her stuff and ran away. I just stared after her, completely deflated. She looked back at me once.
In a much less exuberant fashion, I packed everything up, made sure the boat was exactly as I'd found it, dropped everything back to the appropriate people and came home again. Leah was making dinner and Ruby said that Charlie wouldn't be down because she had a migraine. Leah was concerned and decided to take her up some aspirin and water. I offered to do it. I couldn't bear not to talk to her. I found her in her dressing gown, lying on the bed looking desperately unhappy and I thought my heart was going to break in two, to think that I had caused that. By the time I'd got to her, she'd completely shut down. She denied that anything happened at all. I still don't understand how she could lie like that. She was there. She knows what happened as well as I do. That's when she tried to pin everything on me. She told me that she would have been more careful around me if she'd have known I would have developed feelings for her. She insisted that she only cared for me as a friend and apologised if I felt that she led me on. I don't believe for a second that she doesn't have feelings for me. I don't know what those feelings are exactly, but I know they exist. I tried to make sure that she knew I hadn't taken her out on the boat to come on to her or anything. I hope she accepted it. She wasn't terribly responsive. I wished her better and left and I haven't seen her since. I ate with Leah, VJ and Ruby and then hid in my room for the rest of the night.
So, today really was a day of revelation. I realised that Charlie has feelings for me. I honestly don't know what they are, or if she could ever bring herself to act on them but they're real. I know they are. Despite what she says. And another thing I learned? I don't just have a crush on her. I am overwhelmingly, uncontrollably in love with Charlie Buckton. And there's not a single thing I can do about it.