Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

CHAPTER 11

After lunch, she returned to the precinct and checked in with her detectives again. She also invited Lanie, Ryan and Esposito to the Old Haunt that evening for drinks, asking Ryan to bring Jenny as well. She spent the rest of the afternoon on paperwork, finalising her reports for 1PP and filling in the documents Gates told her she would need. She received an email mid-afternoon identifying her replacement, so she made sure her notes were in order for a morning briefing the next day. She waved the boys out at 5pm, and told them she would see them in a couple of hours. While she waited for the rest of the day shift to leave, she packed up her office, removing all traces of herself, photos and mementoes, only feeling a slight twinge of regret. What she was working towards was much more important to her than what she was leaving behind.

When the bullpen was deserted, she pulled the Bracken and Simmonds files out of their hiding places and put every single piece through the industrial shredder in the archives room. She did not feel any regret as she watched the files disappear into the metal maw, rather with each piece destroyed she could feel a weight lifting from her soul. Now she just needed to banish her personal demons with the help of Dr Burke, and eventually, her husband.

It was cold and windy when she stepped out of the precinct just before 7, and she caught a cab to the haunt. She reviewed what she wanted to say to her friends, knowing that they boys would already have updated Lanie and Jenny on her conversation with them the day before. When the cab pulled up out the front, she took a deep breath and walked into her husband's pub with renewed confidence.

Brian was the first to spot her, and he called out a greeting. She went to the bar to order herself a drink, and make sure he knew that her friend's drinks tonight were on the house. Brian was glad to see her, and asked after Rick. Kate just smiled and told him he was well, and would be back soon. Then she walked over to their usual table, where the four people of her extended family were waiting.

Lanie was the first to notice her as she walked over to the booth, and gave her a smile. She nudged Espo who actually stood up to greet her. Once hugs all around were complete, they sat back down again, and four pairs of eyes looked to Kate with anticipation.

"Thanks for coming, guys. I won't keep you long, I know Sarah Grace is with the sitter, Jenny. Kevin and Javier already know some of this, but for the benefit of the ladies, I will give you the short version." Kate looked again in the eyes of Ryan and Esposito, saw on support, so she took a deep breath and continued.

"The current situation goes back to my first day as Captain of the 12th precinct. I actually got a call before I went into work that morning, from an agent of the Attorney General's department, where I used to work when I went to D.C. I didn't work personally with this guy, but he mentioned my team and gave me a top secret code which basically means his life, and mine, were in immediate danger. I didn't tell Rick but I went to meet him, and then went on the run with this guy – Vikram, who now works in the precinct as our Technical Consultant while Tori is on leave."

"A lot of things happened in the next two days, but the outcome was that the team that was sent to kill us was apprehended, and the leader of the cell was found dead. I found out, however, that the dead person was just a scapegoat to stop us investigating further. I made the decision on my own that with Vikram's help I would track down the real leader of the group, who was the silent partner of ex-Senator William Bracken in the drug business that was the cause of my mother's death, and bring him to justice. Because I wanted to protect my family, and Rick, I moved out of the loft and pretended we were separated so that they would not become a target due to my investigation. I didn't tell Rick any of this, at the time, or since." By this time, there were silent tears running down Kate's face, but she stopped and looked at her friends for a response.

Lanie was shaking her head through her tears, and was the first to speak. Kate expected her voice and manner to be accusatory. Of course Lanie already knew some of the story, and also knew that what Kate needed now was support so she kept her voice soft. "How could you do this to Rick after all that he has done for you, keeping him in the dark and pushing him away while you put your trust in a complete stranger?"

"Because I am screwed up, Lanie, and I have fallen down that rabbit hole that always claims me when my mother's case comes up. And I thought I was protecting Rick by staying away from him, but I decided not to tell him because you all know how he gets when there is a mystery; he worms himself into every investigation and if that had happened with this, he would be dead."

Esposito spoke next. "What I don't understand Beckett is you know that when Allison Hyde took the fall, that could have been the end of it, and no one would have been threatened at all. So why couldn't you just leave it alone? Or why didn't you ask for our help? Do you know anything about Vikram? How do you know he is not leading you on?" Esposito definitely didn't like Vikram and it was showing in his tone of voice and the frown on his face.

"Espo, it was a stupid decision, and you are right, I trusted a total stranger – two if you count Rita – over my husband and my own team. For that, I am deeply sorry, and I want to make amends. But other than re-hashing the past, I also wanted to tell you what my plans are going forward and ask for your help. Rick left me a letter when I went to pick up more things from the loft. He has left town and gone somewhere away from here, so he doesn't have to be reminded of us everywhere he goes" Jenny sucked in a deep breath, and Ryan's eyes darted to Espo then back to Kate with this revelation," but he told me that when I was ready to be his wife full time, for good, I could find him. He still wants our always, and so do I. I just hope I can find him and prove it to him."

"To that end, I have resigned as Captain of the 12th precinct, and taken indefinite leave from the NYPD. My sole task will be to find Rick and convince him to come back home, so I can save my marriage, and he can help me battle my demons. My father said that I would always have the addiction to justice, but that Rick by my side would help me fight the compulsion to do it at the cost of my life, just like he has done since we got together, and before if I want to be honest. I have moved back to the loft, and that will be my base of operations to find my husband and repair my marriage. I only ask that you help me to stay strong until I can be by his side again, please."

She looked each of her friends directly in the eye, and they all had tears, but they all nodded without hesitation. Lanie reached out and clasped her hand, followed by Jenny and then Kevin. Espo placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze in support.

"Chica, a somewhat world famous mystery writer can't be that hard to find, surely? We will help you no problems." The smile on Esposito's face was contagious and soon they were all smiling, humour slightly restored by his quip.

"Thanks, guys, I really appreciate your support, and let me say again how sorry I am that I locked you out and treated you so poorly the last three months. I hope that I can make it up to you over the next little while. I know I hurt a lot of people with my actions, and I have a lot to repair. Now, I have told Brian all your drinks are on the house, so feel free to hang around as long as you want. I am going downstairs to have a look around Rick's office and see if I can find some clues to his whereabouts."

Kate excused herself from the table, and waved to Brian on the way to the secret stairs to the downstairs office to deliver another round of drinks to her table. Then she walked down to Rick's office and closed the door behind her. Once she was seated on the couch, however, she let go of all the emotion she had been holding in upstairs and cried, wishing Rick was there to hold her. She really needed her husband by her side, and she didn't realise or acknowledge how much until he wasn't there. That was a hard lesson to learn, but she took it to heart now.

Back upstairs, the four friends were looking at each other, wondering who would speak first. Ryan took the bull by the horns and asked "Wonder who our new captain will be?" to which Espo slapped his arm in frustration.

"Man, our sister just bared her soul to us, and all you can think about is who the new Captain will be? I don't really care; we will make do whoever it is. But it will be so different with Beckett not being there, that is for sure. The last three months have been really strange without Castle there, now we will have neither one of them for who knows how long."

"Javier, stop feeling sorry for yourself," Lanie interrupted, "There are more important things we should be talking about. Obviously Kate is happy for us to help her find Rick, and you two are in the best place to do that with the resources of the precinct. Jenny, you and I, and of course Sarah Grace, will make sure she stays strong emotionally until writer boy can take over that role again. I worry that even though she says she has put this investigation to the side, something may come up that will distract her again. And on that note, Kevin, you and Javier need to make sure that Vikram stays away from her unless it is precinct business. I don't trust that guy as far as I can throw him!"

They all agreed on Lanie's action plan. When the latest round of drinks were finished, Kevin and Jenny headed home and Espo offered to drive Lanie home. She declined, wanting to speak to Kate again without other ears so she waved him off.

Kate heard the secret door open, and knew that Lanie was coming to talk to her. She had not had any success finding hints of where Rick could have gone, as all the records stored here were just for the bar. All the information about his other properties was probably in the loft safe, or with his lawyer. She made a mental note to speak to them the next day, and smiled as Lanie came to the bottom of the stairs.

"Right, girl, now that we are alone, you can tell me the whole story, and how you actually intend to track down writer boy. I know there is more you weren't saying upstairs!"

A/N: I have had some comments that there seems to be no urgency in Kate's actions, she is not in a hurry to find her husband. I have written her to be methodical, ticking off a list of things she needs to get done before she can devote all her time and attention to the search. Also, at this point she thinks the search won't take that long, and won't be particularly difficult for her.

The second point I would like to address is questions about why her finding Rick is so important, like he is kidnapped or something. In my story, her finding him will be the start of her repair of their relationship, so it's the first major step in reclaiming their always. Martha especially wants them to get back to their happy place, so she is keen for Kate to find Rick and get started on that. Alexis is of course missing her Dad, and knows he is miserable being separated from Kate, even though it's currently self-inflicted for a higher purpose. There is a chapter coming soon with Rick's POV where we find out where he is.

Thank you again and still for reading, following and favouriting, and sharing your thoughts in reviews. I do read all reviews, even guest ones that I don't agree with, I just don't take them to heart. The only ones I really disregard – and delete – are genuine trolls, and I have been very lucky so far not to have experienced many of those.