The Blood Of One. The Sins Of Many.
Chapter 11: Attempted Civility
Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer; it's unfortunate, but true. I don't own Twilight or any of its characters either... Though I would love to, I can't take credit for that genius. The plot is my own, but all references to Twilight, its characters and the lyrics used belong to their respective owners. Thank you for letting me play in the playground!
When a good man and a good woman
Can't find the good in each other
Then a good man and a good woman
Will bring out the worst in the other
The bad in each other
The Bad in Each Other by Feist
Being stuck in a car for hours on end had never really been something I enjoyed all that much, but being stuck in a car with Edward Cullen was so much worse, especially when he decided that he wanted to "talk." If it hadn't been for my begging Carlisle to bring two extra doses, I had an idea that I could lose my mind en route. Apparently my idea of it being a quick drive was far from the truth. Even with the Cullens mad driving it was going to take a day and I would apparently need to get rid of my drugs before we hit the airport. Which airport and why, I wasn't entirely sure, but after that, they'd told me to sleep as much as I could.
Leaving my life behind me didn't exactly put me in the greatest of moods, and as much as I hated to admit it, Edward was probably cursing his luck as much as I was about being stuck in a car with me. I was high, which force fed my confidence and made my frosty exterior as thick as an iceberg, but I was also aware of my surroundings enough to hold onto my grudge. Alice had been right about me not putting off the conversation with him forever, but I wasn't willing to waste my last couple of hits spilling my heart and soul to the man that had, for all intents and purposes, called me a plaything.
After ten hours in the car, and three bottles of water, I was beginning to believe I was about to explode. Sleep had managed to keep away a lot of the bladder pressure, but the closer we closed on eleven hours of traveling, the closer I came to wetting myself in the car. This of course ended the frosty stand off with Edward. As much as I hated to ask for anything, he was a vampire with no bodily functions or a need for sustenance I had no choice but to talk to him.
"I need to pee," I said simply, chewing on the side of my thumb as I looked out the window. It was short and to the point. No one could accuse me of beating around the bush at least.
"I saw a sign for a gas station in about a half mile."
"Thanks."
I turned my body completely away from his as I watched the stars glow gently somewhere behind the reflections of the dash on my window. It was close to five am, and all too soon, the sun would begin lighting the night sky and sending it into a blazing indigo, launching us into a new day. I was a day closer to being clean, a day closer to my attempt at grabbing the bull by the horns and living my life, and maybe I was a day closer to finally getting rid of the one shadow I could never seem to shake, Victoria.
It held so many possibilities for me, but at the same time, it was taking away my one safety net. The one thing that gave me a reprieve from my consuming guilt over my father's death. Had it not been for me, he could have been alive and happy with Sue Clearwater at this moment. Instead, he was dead, and there was nothing I could do to change that.
Edward pulled into the gas station and eased up to a pump. Without anyone around, Edward managed to get out of the car and slip his card into the pump slot before I had a chance to get to the door of the convenience store to pay for the gas. He was infuriating like that. He seemed to think he and his family should fit the bill for my cross-country hike.
I could see the ghost of a smile on his lips from where I was stood at the door. I hated to admit it even to myself, but it hadn't escaped my attention that it was the first genuine looking smile he'd had since he'd walked back into my life. The two of us had done nothing but butt heads since the moment I walked into the private room back at the club. I still believed I was perfectly entitled to be pissed off at him, and I wasn't intending to let him off, but for the sake of the road trip, I figured it wouldn't kill me to be civil to him for the rest of the drive. As long as he heeded my warning of staying off the topics that were off limits, I couldn't see us having a problem. I just needed to make sure it was clear that it was nothing but a truce.
When my body reminded me of the reason we'd stopped, I dashed inside and did what I had to. On my way back I bought enough snack foods to feed a wolf pack and skipped back to the car. As I'd been perusing the shelves in the gas station, I'd calculated that it would almost be time for another dosage, which would cut my civil act down to maybe only an hour.
It was amazing what I could talk myself out of while I was sat on the pot.
"Did you buy the whole store?" Edward asked, as I slipped into the car beside him.
"Just because you don't eat, doesn't mean you get to ostracize me for getting my appetite back. I figured I'd make the most of it before we need to call Carlisle."
"Do you need to?"
I gave him an incredulous look as I broke open a bag of Cheetos. My imaginings of civility left behind with the lights of the gas station Edward was leaving behind us at a ridiculous speed.
"We're getting on a plane, Edward. Do you really want to see me do a rendition of Linda Blair at thirty thousand feet, because I assure you, I don't."
"You seem to be doing well enough right now."
"That's because the drugs are still in my system. I'm sober enough to be coherent, but that can be changed if you like?"
"That's not what I was saying, Bella."
"Then what were you saying?" I asked, stuffing a couple of the cheesy corn puffs into my mouth.
"Lets just drop it for now. Do you think that maybe we could actually have a conversation now?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
I put some more chips into my mouth and took the chewing time to think about how to answer that question. Did I want to know his excuses? Did he even have an excuse for what he did? At that point, I wasn't even sure what he knew. Had they tried to contact my dad? Had Alice tried looking for his future? I just didn't know where the conversation would head, and I didn't want to bring on the glut of memories again. Especially when I was so close to going cold turkey. I had a feeling it would make the pain all the worse.
"On what you want to talk about," I said, after I swallowed. "You don't get to dictate what the topic is, Edward."
"What happened to you?"
"In what respect?" I asked defensively. As much as I knew I had changed, I didn't like the implication that it was a bad thing.
"Why the drugs and the . . . the–"
"Stripping. Just say the word, Edward, you're not going to damn your soul by saying it."
Edward sighed and wrung the steering wheel with his hands. I could see that he was getting frustrated already. Apparently he and I were on different wavelengths these days. Neither of us could seem to say something without the other taking it the wrong way.
"I was trying to be polite."
"It is what it is, dancing around it is just going to make it seem like a dirty word, and its not. It's not like I was a prostitute."
His pregnant pause said everything he couldn't seem to bring himself to say. He'd obviously realized what kind of club it was, he could read minds and I was certain he heard some unsavory business going on when he'd been there waiting for me. Of course, not being able to read my mind meant he had no fucking idea how I didn't buy into that bullshit. Sure, I fucked a couple guys that I decided were cute, but I wasn't paid for it, and it was down to personal choice.
"Yes, some of the girls offered that service. I know you're aware of that, but I wasn't one of them. Not that I owe you any kind of explanation."
I saw his hands flex on the steering wheel and relax and bit back the urge to mention my conquests since him. I hated that he got satisfaction from the fact that I hadn't whored myself out to the clientele at the club. It was an irrational thought, but I was so intent on not letting him get the better of me that I was considering painting a darker picture of myself. I really needed to get a grip.
"Can you tell me how you got into drugs then?"
That I could do. It didn't seem like an invasion of my privacy. If they were going to help me get past this, I was sure things like this would come up eventually.
"When I first got to Vegas, I met a guy and I lived with him for a while. I had no money and we had fun together, so he said I could stay with him until I found my own place. He got me the job at the club and gave me a hit to help with the stage fright. I discovered that it really helped keeping my head clear, so I picked up the habit."
"You make it sound like he introduced you to vegetarianism."
"It's just how it happened. There was no luring or forcing of hands. He offered me some help and I took it. We'd discovered liquid courage did nothing but make me more clumsy."
Edward's hands looked at though they'd be white knuckling the steering wheel if it was lighter. As it was, the leather and plastic groaned under his brutal hold.
"Bella, it's a Class A controlled substance, not a wine cooler. You had to know how addictive it was."
I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest, rolling up the bag of Cheetos and dropping it to the floor by my feet. I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing in being quite this honest with him, but it was the closest to a conversation we'd had. I was in control of this exchange and it didn't dredge up any of my past beyond that. So for now, I was rolling with it, though I was certain the consequences would bite me in the ass at some point.
"Did it ever occur to you that I was well aware of how addictive it was, and just how much it would alter my reality? Have you even thought about how I could have needed that more than I needed to breathe at that point?"
"But why?"
"Because shit happens and I needed an out from the reality of my life. It became a crutch for me, something that helped all the pain and memories go away."
"Was it because I left?" He asked, I could hear the sorrow in his voice, there was something akin to regret lacing is tone as well, but it just made me mad.
"Wow. Your ego knows no bounds does it? How arrogant do you have to be to think you have the power to ruin someone's life like that?"
I knew he didn't mean to be supercilious. His leaving could well have pushed me to do something drastic had I not had Jacob to pick up the pieces. I, however, was never going to admit that to him. His leaving had ruined me for the first time. It had broken my heart and ripped it out of my chest in a way I didn't think was possible. I would never give anyone that kind of power again. Let alone him.
"I'm sorry. I just, help me understand what pushed you to such desperate measures."
"No."
"But–"
"No. This is the end of this conversation. Unless you change direction we're done talking."
The echo of the memories started to stretch out it's clawed arms and snake around my cerebrum. I didn't want to unleash this kind of emotion. From what they'd been saying we still had quite a way to travel and I couldn't let this start to unfurl and lodge itself behind my sternum it would only hasten the side effects of the drug withdrawal.
"Bella?"
"Just call Carlisle, Edward."
He didn't say anything more; I had effectively shut down the conversation by staring out the window at the flare of colors on the horizon. I'd thought I could have been a little bit honest with him, but it had spiraled so fast that I hadn't managed to pull up from the nosedive. Now I was shaking and sweating, and my stomach rolled violently behind my tucked in legs.
I heard him murmur into the phone before the car groaned and shot forward a little faster than it had been. The only thing I could think about was that I'd tried. I'd tried to have a decent conversation with him and it had led to disaster. If he and his family didn't know what they'd left behind, if they hadn't realized why my life had become in the wake of their exit, that wasn't my problem. I wasn't going to tell them anything if I could help it. I couldn't. I needed to keep that close to my chest, because it belonged to me.
I didn't want their sympathy or their guilt, and I definitely didn't want their pity. I just wanted some semblance of a life, and though I loathed to admit it, I needed their help. I just had to do this in steps. First step, getting clean. The rest would come with my lucid mind. At least that's what I had to believe. I couldn't imagine having to think this through while my mind was so scattered into a thousand different fragments like it was at that moment.
I watched the sunrise slowly as we drove. There was some cloud cover, but holes gave me a view at the deep teals and indigo of the sun greeting the horizon. It wouldn't last long, I could see the storm clouds rolling in from the north, and once it merged with the orb of light, it would cast grays around us. Just like the Cullens enjoyed.
We drove for almost thirty minutes before Edward pulled off the road and into the lot of a seedy looking motel where Carlisle's Mercedes was parked looking alluring in comparison to the somber building behind it. Edward was silent as he pulled up and pushed the car into park. I knew he had to be curious about the turn in our conversation, but I wasn't in a talking mood, and I needed a time out.
In all honesty, I needed the deliriousness of the chemical to help me forget. I needed to live in another plane of time so I didn't have to think or feel. I needed to get the hell away from reality and fall into a timeless vortex that would leave me on my own little cloud of oblivion.
I knew Carlisle wouldn't give me a double dose and let me sleep all the way thorough it, but I had another dose to look forward to, and if I could get that an hour before the flight, I had a feeling I could sleep through the rest of it.
I stepped out of my car and slid into the back of the sleek looking Mercedes. I could see Carlisle wasn't comfortable with this, but I doubted anyone in the motel would even notice. As seedy as it was, and with all of the semis in the back, I knew exactly what kind of place this was.
"Bella–"
"Please, Carlisle. Don't say it. I already know. If I can get the last hit two hours before we arrive at the airport I will be sober enough to walk through the place on my own, and I can sleep for the duration of the flight."
"Are you sure you want to take that much?"
Whatever they were expecting for an answer, my tears weren't it. I wasn't sure when they'd started or even the cause behind them, but for the first time in my life, I was happy about the fact I didn't cry that often. If I'd known it had the ability to twist a centuries old vampire to my will, I knew I would have overused it long before now.
He dug in his medical bag and pulled out what he needed, moving quickly to get everything ready. I didn't miss his eyes flickering around the parking lot though, and I couldn't blame him either. I couldn't imagine he would enjoy losing his medical license for jacking up a heroin junkie.
He slipped the tourniquet onto my arm and dispensed the drugs in a professional manner. Before he could loosen the tight band over my arm, Edward opened the car and pulled me into his arms. Just as I was about to protest, he released the thing with a snap and I relaxed into his chest as all thoughts fell from me in swirls of color...
I came back to the land of living to heavy rain falling from the skies. The rivulets of water made a mirage on the window and gathered at the base in a small pool. I could hear the wipers going frantically as the engine continued to drone on as though being pushed to its limits. I felt warm in my place, slumped against the seat of the car, and the smell surrounding me eased me further into my own little bubble of happiness.
I didn't move at all for a while, I just stared out of the window silently as the water continued its path down my windows in and endless stream. The jagged paths it took mesmerized me, and the way the speed of the car pushed it backward out of its gravitational destiny.
There was one drop, hanging on for dear life, fighting against the push of the wind. I lifted my finger and followed its path as it was forced in the direction it didn't seem to want to go in. I empathized with it. I knew how it felt to be pushed like that, to have my hand forced when I wasn't totally sure what I wanted.
Why would anyone want to give up this feeling of completely numbness in order to feel? Why would someone want to deal with the horrors of their past when they could leave it in a box at the back of their mind? I wasn't sure, but I knew I had committed to this. I had uprooted myself and was halfway across the country to who knew where.
"When did you rejoin the land of the living?" Edward asked from somewhere in the car. It sounded like he was at the end of a tunnel, but I knew he was right next to me. He had to be the one driving after all.
"A while ago, I've been watching the rain. Where are we?"
"Just outside of Pendleton, Oregon. Carlisle called and said if you meant what you said about taking the last of it two hours before we get there, we need to stop."
"How long have I been out?"
"About two hours."
"How long to the airport?"
"About two and a half."
"Then we need to stop."
"Bella–"
I sat up and pushed what I realized was his jacket from my shoulders. I hated that the smell of him still had the effect it always had on me, that much was obvious from one of my first coherent thoughts. It had been the smell of him on his jacket that had kept me in that happy bubble.
It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't, once again, executing his heavy handing of being the all knowing one and lording it over me. There were some things they knew more about, I could admit that. This, however, wasn't one of them.
"How long is the flight?"
"Four hours, and there's another three or four hour drive after that. Why?"
"Because that's ten hours." I snapped, pulling my legs to my chest again. I definitely wasn't earning points for originality. "If I took another hit now, I would still be scraping the barrel by the time we get there, but I would be out for another two hours, then I could sleep on the plane, and by the time we got there, I may still have enough brain power left to walk without puking. If I don't take this hit, somewhere between the airport and wherever the hell we're going, I will be a hot mess."
"Why are you so convinced you can't go that long?"
"Did you fucking see me yesterday?" I growled. I really just didn't have the energy to yell at him.
"No, you were out by the time I got there."
"Then be grateful for that. I was throwing up my stomach lining and starting to convulse. I don't want any of you to see that, especially not confined in a small space with me. Anyway, you're not my father, my brother or my lover, you don't get a say in this."
"Not by choice."
My head jerked in his direction so quickly, it cracked loud enough to reverberate in the small space of the car. I narrowed my eyes at him. He was killing my buzz for one thing, and he was treading dangerously on thin ice.
"Yes. It was your choice, Edward. You're the one that left me because, if I remember rightly, I was no longer the distraction you wanted. So please, don't feed me more of your bullshit. You can't get me to bend to your will by pretending you care."
"Pretending I care?" He asked with a small laugh. "Just because I wanted you to have a normal life you think that I stopped caring? That I stopped loving you?"
"Don't. You. Dare." I enunciated. Each word accented with my finger poking into his arm. "How dare you say that to me, Edward. You don't just walk away from someone you love. You don't cut them out of your life for almost seven years. I'm not an idiot, and if you think for a second I buy your shit, you're a bigger fool than I thought you were. I don't need your damn pity, shove it up your ass."
"Are you finished?"
"For now. You'd better be too, because you keep this shit up I'll get out of the fucking car, moving or not."
He growled under his breath and I heard a plastic snap from under his tensed fingers. I opened my mouth in displeasure. I couldn't believe after the bullshit he tried to feed me, he'd gone on to break an important part of my vehicle.
"You're paying for that asshole."
"Do you ever stop, Bella? What the hell happened to make you so bitter? I never thought you'd be capable of being this person."
"Really?" I asked with indignation. "Then you don't know me at all. You have no idea... No conception about what I've been through, so don't cast your judgment on me, Edward Cullen. I am not the girl you walked away from that September. You'd do well to remember that."
She could see Carlisle's Mercedes parked outside of a small diner on the side of the road. As Edward pulled into the spot next to it, I felt my anger well up inside of me. I knew better than to let it get free of my grasp, but the audacity of the man sat across from me was more than I could take.
"You know what, I'll ride with Esme and Carlisle for the last part of the drive, and since you're so curious all of a sudden, let me tell you this. I changed the day you walked into my life, it snowballed from there, so you ask me to believe you love me? Think again, you're the worst decision I ever made, why would I do anything other than hate you?"
I got out of the car and slammed the door so hard behind me the glass shattered. I stomped my foot and growled through my teeth. My hands were balled so tight I was close to drawing blood from the palms of my hands; my eyes were just as tightly scrunched closed.
"Fuck!"
Edward ignored my exclamation and threw the car into reverse, the tires smoking on the ground before he fishtailed toward the exit.
"You now owe me new tires, asshole!" I screamed behind him, pulling open the door to the Mercedes. I pulled it closed with a little more etiquette and crossed my arms over my chest. That hadn't gone how I'd planned it to, but at least I was free from the Spanish Inquisition for a few hours. I just hoped they didn't expect me to sit next to him on a four-hour flight, there was a good chance I would either set fire to him, or he would eat me just to shut me up.
"Bella?"
"Sorry you had to see that. We had a disagreement," I said calmly, crossing my hands in my lap. I was amazed at how quickly the anger was dispersing now that Edward was out of my way. I just hoped he'd be kind to my car.
"I see that. Would you like to talk about it?"
"Not particularly. I was hoping you could fix me up so we can get on the road and get this over with. The sooner I'm sober, the sooner he's out of my life."
Carlisle and Esme exchanged a look, but I was beyond caring whether or not I'd offended their delicate sensibilities. I just wanted to get as far away from Edward as humanly possible, and I wasn't going to be able to do that while he thought I was a danger to myself. So I was going to prove a point, and I knew just the person to help me.
It was in those moments before Carlisle prepared the hit that I realized I didn't trust any of them to be with me while I was going through the withdrawals. There was only one person I respected enough to keep what was said or done to herself, and though I knew she wasn't going to like it, I had a feeling she'd do it simply because I had asked.
As soon as I we arrived at our destination, I would ask. Hell, the worst she could say was no, right?
Authors Note: I'm so sorry for the delay in posting, as I'm sure was the same for most of you these past two weeks have been a bit insane with the holidays. I actually tried to sit down and get this out bit every time I did, something seemed to pop up.
I'm going to double post so I will say thank you to you all and I love you and the next Authors note will be a little more thorough!
MWAH!