Author's Note:
Thank you all for continuing to read Natsuki's side of "their story." It's been interesting writing to find out how Natsuki thinks of and reacts to the events bringing her closer to Shizuru. Hopefully you've enjoyed seeing Natsuki's side of things as well.

Watching Orange Days did nudge the thinking of Natsuki as well as Shizuru, which goes to show they've both been thinking about their relationship, at least subconsciously. Natsuki is still trying to figure out how to even do so, as she finds herself floundering in a sea of unfamiliar thoughts and emotions. An interpersonal relationship like this really is uncharted territory for her. So, while Orange Days didn't single-handedly tip her into re-thinking their relationship, it certainly helped crystallize her thoughts.

Here we another case of Natsuki in uncharted territory. Please let me know what you think.

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Midwife of the Soul: Chapter 11

An Awkward Confession

School started back up, as usual, after the winter break.

The teachers mostly concentrated on the seniors, as this was the season for college applications. Their entrance exams would be coming soon, too.

Shizuru still wanted me to come over and study together, so I agreed to. I enjoyed that, and her exam grades last month said I didn't need to worry about interfering with her studies.

.

The morning of that first Friday back at school, a stockily built guy from Mai's class caught me staring out the window.

"Um, Kuga-san, excuse me."

Huh? You talking to me? OK, given he used my name, that answer was obvious. But what did he want?

"Yes?"

I tilted my head quizzically. Most guys ...well, most people knew to avoid me unless it was really necessary.

"Um, Kuga-san... How about going to a movie this weekend?"

Wait, what!?

I guess the confusion on my face prompted him to continue.

"Will you go out with me?" he asked. "I've been in love with you for a while, and you're really beautiful."

He was asking me out?! What? Why? ...No!

"No thank you," I answered.

Now why did that come out sounding half like Shizuru's polite firmness? I guess I lacked her skill with words and was more polite than firm, as he continued.

"But I think we could have fun together..."

"No."

That was more my old, cold style. Why didn't I respond like this at first? Good grief, was I becoming "a nice person"? Did I want that? I also felt my muscles move to a more combat ready stance.

His face fell.

Maybe he had heard of what had happened to Takeda.

"Sorry," he said and quickly walked away.

.

My mind was unsettled the rest of the morning. Why had Yamakura (I finally remembered his name) asked me out? Why did it bother me that he had?

In the past, I would have driven him off with an icy cold response, or maybe even literally beaten him away. Normally my reputation for that kept guys from even trying to ask. Takeda was the exception there, and I had to resort to the physical method with him sometimes.

Thankfully Takeda seems to have mostly accepted that letter I sent him last year. Maybe he was just too surprised to get a letter from me. I had simply apologized, saying I couldn't return his feelings because I needed to accept someone else's: I didn't say whose. Back then, I don't think I consciously knew either, and if I asked myself would probably have answered it was a convenient fiction to make him go away. I now wonder how much my subconscious understood back then.

But, why was Yamakura interested in me? And why did it bother me?

I didn't like this feeling of uncertainty mixed with irritation.

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Lunchtime came. I took the bento Mai made me and went in search of answers to my uncertainty.

Yeah, I went looking for Shizuru. Why did my mind instantly take me to her as the one to talk this over with? Yeah.

I found her leaving the restroom. Would it be all right to ask her?

"Hey. You doing anything for lunch?" I asked. "I've... I... um, if you aren't, I'd like to have lunch with you."

"With you, Natsuki? Of course." She accompanied her answer with a smile that somehow already made me feel less unsettled.

Oh, good.

But this was not a conversation I wanted to share with everyone.

Shizuru must have seen something of that in my face, for she continued, "I doubt Kikukawa-han will begrudge us the use of the new Student Council Room,"

I hope so. That seems like a private spot.

It would make a nice private lunch room for us, even though Shizuru was no longer Student Council President. I hoped that Yukino would agree.

She did, and left Shizuru and I alone together in the room. Did she understand something about Shizuru and me that I didn't even, yet.

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We sat down and took out our lunches. Shizuru poured tea for both of us, and thanked me for joining her for lunch. She didn't ask why I wanted to eat with her, giving me as much time as I needed on that.

I gathered my courage and began, telling Shizuru that I needed someone to talk to and that she was the first person who came to mind.

That surprised her.

I told her of Yamakura's asking me out. I didn't know where to go beyond those facts, so I filled my mouth with my lunch instead.

"Oh my. Thank you for trusting me enough to talk this over." Shizuru's smile said she was honored, and that she felt my simple trust really was an honor. She then helped me along by asking how I felt about this confession and Yamakura.

I looked out the window to gather my thoughts. Often Shizuru will calm me, but somehow this was not that time. "I don't know," I answered, "confused? worried?"

She teased me about being attractive, then instantly looked like she regretted bringing teasing into this discussion and continued in a more serious vein, asking if I felt happy or complimented.

Nope.

I hadn't thought about my reaction, merely what Yamakura was after. Thanks, Shizuru. That question helps. I pondered for a bit.

Yamakura made me feel neither happy nor complimented, and I told Shizuru that. Then I realized what she had not asked.

"You never asked me how I answered him."

Shizuru wasn't going to ask, but if I wanted to volunteer the information...

"I turned him down," I told her.

Why was it a relief to tell her that? Was it that I was glad I had? Did I see some sign of approval, or possibly even happiness in her face as I said that.

She asked if I was worried whether that was the right answer to give.

Yeah, I am. I nodded. I didn't want to be cruel, but dating him didn't sound appealing.

She told me I'd done the right thing, and asked if I wanted to talk about how I felt about him.

"He's a guy."

I think she was as surprised by that simple, complete answer as I was.

Does that mean I'm not attracted to men at all? Am I asexual? Could I be a lesbian? I should say something more. "I don't know," I said out loud. "I guess I'm not interested in spending time with some leering guy who just thinks I'm good looking."

Well, that was interesting. Where did that phrasing come from?

"Yet you specifically asked to have lunch with a leering girl who thinks you're good looking." Shizuru responded. That seemed to slip out past her usual airtight filters.

"But you're different!" was my instant response. Apparently my filters were down too. Why did it feel like with this answer, I was defending Shizuru from a part of herself she feared?

"Really?" was all a stunned Shizuru could reply.

I nodded, having no words.

We just looked at each other silently for a while. Shizuru didn't rebuild her mask that surprise had blown away, and I can't dissemble in front of her. Confusion began to grow on her unguarded face, and I knew it was my responsibility to try to clear it up.

"You've always been there and cared for me," I explained. "I don't feel like you're trying to take something from me or—" I skidded to a halt as I realized one way I might answer the question I posed to myself earlier. I could ask Shizuru's help with that too. "Have you ever been attracted to a guy? What's it like?"

She stared at me, poleaxed. Apparently that question was not what she expected. Admittedly, the thought process that brought me to it wasn't completely clear to me either.

Her smile grew softer and she answered, "No, I'm sorry. I never have, Natsuki. I can play the part at times when it's required, but I never really have. Women..." She looked down at the teacup she was holding. "Women, yes. I... Women are lovely. There are some I just feel attracted to: I also want to hold and hug them, and yes, more. ...Men? Some might be interesting to talk to as friends, but that's about it."

"I see." That did make sense to me. "I understand what you're saying about men. I've had few enough friends as it is," I concluded, "but I see."

I continued thinking about Shizuru's answer. Yes, I've had friends before, and Mai probably even counts as a close friend, but somehow Shizuru felt like more. I wasn't ready to say that about anyone else, man or woman, but Shizuru...

Shizuru, can you help me understand this... understand myself?

It looked like she understood something of my silent plea, as she replied, "I suppose I may not be the right person to ask about love. After all, no-one would say that I've had a `normal' experience with it."

I smiled at her self-deprecation. "You've always been much better than just normal." I told her.

As worthwhile as this self-discovery was becoming, it still didn't answer the immediate problem I came to lunch with, so I asked, "But how should I act toward Yamakura the next time I see him?"

Shizuru grinned and said I didn't have to treat everyone as forcefully as Takeda.

Well, OK. All men might not be as insensitive as he is either. But my experience with Dad hadn't exactly given me a high opinion of men. Takeda certainly did seem to need having "No!" beaten into him more than once.

Shizuru expanded on her answer with more detail and wisdom, ending with, "Does that help?"

"Yes. Thanks Shizuru," Her words did help to clear my thoughts. I wouldn't have thought to just treat it as a compliment. I was also glad she said I could drop it since I'd already turned him down. I could continue being my normal, curt self. Something still bothered me so I asked what to do if Yamakura, or someone else, asked again.

"Then you can turn him down again, Natsuki. That is, unless you decide you don't want to do that."

As if I would ever.

Whatever my face showed when I thought that made Shizuru smile. And that smile turned into a grin when she said I could be "more forceful" if a guy kept asking.

I had to smile back. I guess I was happy that I still had the "forceful response" to fall back on if needed.

Our smiles turned to laughter, and we finished our lunch together in good humor. Laughing together with Shizuru feels good, and she really had helped me begin to sort out my dilemma here. I'm pretty sure she was willing to help next time I had a problem like this too.

Yeah, this had been a good lunch. I hope Shizuru enjoyed it too.

.

I saw Yukino again as I was returning to my classroom.

"Yukino-san, thank you for giving us the loan of your Student Council Room."

"You're very welcome," she replied, and adjusted her glasses like she always does to buy time to think. "It seems that some of Fujino-san's manners are rubbing off on you."

I had no answer to that. For that matter, how should I react? I continued on to my classroom, pondering that question. But the more I thought about it, the better Yukino's words made me feel. "Fujino-san's manners are rubbing off on you." That really was a compliment. I hadn't been trying to copy them, but I guess it goes to show how important she had become in my life, and what importance I placed on her opinions and values.