..XI..
Without You
I was pacing frantically, my eyes were glued to the phone that had been silent for five days. Five days longer than it should have been silent for. My hands were fidgeting and I had no idea what to do with them. I clasped them together, drummed them on the wall, wrung them together nervously, and gripped the long sleeves of my sweatshirt. My breathing was ragged and irregular, probably because of my constant movement and wild imaginations of what could be happening to my brother. I wasn't to the point of collapsing into myself and sobbing, but I was very tense and prepared to blow up and rant the second the phone rang. I'd give Ed a piece of my mind, and then I'd probably break like a damn and cry. Maybe then he'd feel sorry for me and come home. I unconsciously frowned at my pathetic nature.
The first two days after having that strange dream were pretty normal; I began to teach Puff to use the litter box, reorganized the bookshelves, and did little odd jobs around the house. It was after those two days that I began to worry about my brother again; then I had another weird dream. It wasn't as vivid as the last one, only bits and pieces came through. But I was well aware of being tied up in a dark, cold room. People would talk, but I couldn't distinguish one voice from the next. They blended together into a dull white noise. I was afraid though. Well, I wasn't sure if it were me or not, but I felt a strong fear at being left there, in that room. I was close to panicking and shouting and screaming and demanding to be released. Betrayal. That word hung in the air like a fog. I was so scared when I woke up; scared that I might have been seeing things in the eyes of my brother again. I didn't want him to feel that way, or be locked up and cold and aching. The lack of phone calls made my hope dwindle.
I continued pacing, I needed to move! Puff was at my heels, trying to keep up with me so she could pounce on my feet. She really did have a thing for socks. I probably would've laughed if I wasn't too busy pulling my hair out with frustration. I scooped her up into my arms, cradling her soft, warm body to my trembling one. I couldn't stop shaking. It was almost as if I were cold… but that wasn't possible since it was summer and I was dressed in baggy sweats. The shaking came from anxiety.
"I'm just paranoid." I forced myself to chuckle, but it was hollow and strange to hear, "Brother acted just like this when I didn't come home after that accident that one time… but that was only a few hours, not five days."
I continued to wander aimlessly throughout the room, not really paying attention to where my feet were taking me. Puff started wiggling around to try and get out of my arms, so I set her down and watched her scamper off to the patch of sun by the window. I rubbed at my arms nervously, occasionally sparing another glance towards the phone. I'd been doing this for three days. Staring at the phone nonstop and praying for it to ring. Praying for it to be my brother's voice on the other end telling me that he was okay and safe and coming home soon and that he loved me, despite what an idiot I was being.
Blinking suddenly, I realized I had wandered into the kitchen. I didn't spend too much time wondering why I had gone in here, my stomach was grumbling a little so I assumed I was hungry. Removing a half a head of lettuce and some other vegetables from the fridge, I decided to fix myself a salad. I mean, pacing and worrying wasn't going to get me or Ed anywhere, so I might as well take care of myself and eat something. Even if it was at four in the afternoon.
Just as I had all the lettuce shredded into the big bowl, the phone rang. I dropped the tomato I'd been cutting up and darted towards the phone. My heart was hammering loudly as the ring sounded again. In my hast, I tripped over the phone cord and landed on the floor roughly. But I did manage to catch the phone and place it to my ear.
"BROTHER!" I shouted into the phone with much relief and anger; I was not going to let him escape any questions. "I've been so worried! What took you so long to call! Are you okay? What's been-"
"Alphonse. It's me."
My heart sank. It was Mustang. It wasn't my brother. I stood up shakily, gripping the end table so that I could stay upright and keep myself from falling over.
"Oh… h-hi, General…" I managed to keep my voice steady, "Sorry about that. Can I help you?"
He released a sigh, suspiciously regretful and exhausted, "I have some news…"
"News?" my breath hitched, I was torn between feeling relieved for any kind of news or being frightened of it. I decided to be hopeful. "Good or… or bad?"
"Alphonse…" I didn't like the sound of this. I didn't like they way his voice sounded. Whatever he was going to tell me wasn't going to have a happy ending. "Please just… just bear with me here, but I don't think you'll like what I'm going to say."
There it was. I felt my chest tighten; flashes of my brother lying somewhere… either in hospital or in the desert or in some abandoned warehouse… but he was bleeding or dying or lost or dead and couldn't do anything… I couldn't do anything to help him. He was hurt or never coming home or the mission wasn't a success or he'd be gone longer than expected. Maybe his automail broke and he was stranded with one arm and one leg. Something terrible had happened, I just knew it.
"What happened?" I asked fearfully, dreading the reply.
"Edward didn't come back." Mustang's words went through my heart, "Most of the soldiers I sent out there and Colonel Johnson arrived here at HQ today, but Ed was not with them. They don't know what happened to him. Apparently, he went missing after the camp was attacked. They don't know if he was taken hostage or just ran away. All we know is that he's missing. I'm sorry, Alphonse."
"He's gone?" I couldn't believe it, even though I prepared myself for bad news… actually hearing it was so much worse. It made it real.
He sighed again, "I assume Edward informed you of the assignment, so I'll tell you this. The rebel camp we were looking into? They've vanished. Right after the attack, too. I know Ed wouldn't abandon the soldiers, so I'm guessing that rebels have him with them. Don't worry, I'll send out a search party to try and locate them again and see if Ed's with them. We will handle this, Alphonse, I just wanted to let you know so that you can be prepared for anything we find."
Anything we find… they don't expect to find him alive… "Alright…" That doesn't sound like my voice… "Thank you, General…"
"Alphonse…" he sighed, he really didn't want to tell me this news. "Just… take care of yourself… alright? I'll call you if anything happens."
"Okay. Goodbye." I lowered the receiver, letting it click softly as I set it in the cradle. I felt so… so much worse than before the phone call. Before when I didn't know anything. I wasn't shaking anymore. I wasn't rushing around in a panic. I just stood there… not really seeing the wall in front of me. I felt numb, like what happened didn't really happen. But I knew it did. And somehow… I felt like it was my fault…
Somehow I ended up in the kitchen, back to chopping up that tomato, almost as if the entire phone conversation didn't happen. After finishing with the tomato, I moved on to the cucumber. I wasn't really paying attention to what I was doing, like I wasn't really there. I didn't feel like I was anywhere… more like a floating sensation between feeling and not.
I looked down at the counter and the salad was all put together and tossed, even though I couldn't remember doing that. I stared at it for a long time, telling myself to pick up a fork and eat it. But I didn't move. I could barely even here my own voice telling me to eat.
"Brother would want me to eat… he'll be mad if I don't…" It didn't sound like me at all, "Eat… eat…EAT!"
I collapsed to the floor sobbing, my entire body shaking and heaving with the forceful intakes of breath. My chest felt hot and constricted, while legs were numb and limp. All the emotion I'd wanted to let out only a few minutes, or maybe even a few hours ago now, was spilling as I curled up and rocked back and forth.
"Brother-! Come back…! P-please, come h-home!" I choked on my tears, not sure if my voice was too loud or too quiet, "I love you… please come home! You promised we'd be together! You promised!"
I cried until my eyes were sore and couldn't shed another tear. I rocked back and forth until I collapsed further and then I just lay wounded on the tile. I screamed until my throat was raw and burning. I whimpered until I knew he wouldn't be coming back right then. Not now…
"But you promised…"
Without you, the ground thaws,
I was startled awake by the sound of birds chirping, the warm sun on my face, and the stiffness in my back. I yawned sleepily, rubbing away at my eyes. Puff was curled up beside me, fast asleep herself. At first, I had no idea where I was, then it occurred to me that the tile and the cupboards belonged in the kitchen… so why was I in there?
Then everything came back to me. I had fallen asleep after I had broken apart… the shock of my brother being missing came back to me so quickly, I almost fell over. Catching myself before I made a nasty collision with the counter, I tried to sort out what happened. Brother's missing… General said he'd look for him… With his capabilities and men, then I'm sure that they'll find Brother. They'll find him and he'll be safe and will have already beat up the bad men and he'll be angry with them for not finding him sooner. Yeah, that's what he'll do. I'll just wait until that happens. Despite my reasoning, I wasn't very convinced by it.
Puff mewled softly, batting at my hand. I blinked down at her, she only meowed some more. "I guess you're hungry, huh Puff?" I stood up reluctantly, then stretched my arms upwards to try and get rid of the ache in my back. It didn't really work. The kitty food I had picked up at the vet was sitting on the counter, so I scooped some of it into the food bowl and set it on the ground. Once Puff was eating, I went over to the window that overlooked the front yard. I was surprised to the see puddles of water drying up on the sidewalk. To the north, it was all cloudy and looked like more rain was on the way. For the moment, the sun was shining and warming up the ground.
I couldn't help but hope that the sun was some kind of omen, that maybe it was my own hope that would shine through the clouds of doubt and lead my brother home. I chuckled sadly at myself, "Now I'm just getting silly, Puff."
Puff only continued eating.
The rain falls,
The sky was darker than usual and the claps of thunder only intensified my fears. I trembled in my blanket cocoon, cradling a mug of hot chocolate in my hands. It was not only raining, it was storming. I huddled deeper into the comforting warmth of my blankets, but they could not compare to the warmth of Ed's arms. I shivered as a flash of lighting stretched across the floor, casting scary shadows throughout the room. I frowned as they flickered away, not looking forward to their next appearance.
The rain was falling with heavy droplets, coming down so fast and sharply. It wasn't soothing or soft pitter patters; it was harsh and chilling. Even the thunder booming couldn't override the sound of the rain hitting the roof . I wasn't feeling up to finishing the rest of my hot chocolate; it was cold now anyway. The scent was making me slightly nauseous. I set the cup down and then rolled onto my side so that I could try and fall asleep. The storm outside and the lack of a warm body beside me made it impossible.
The grass grows…
It was a week later that I realized how long the grass was. I had been leaving the house so I could go to the market; it was my first time leaving Puff home alone so I had put her in her kitty carrier so she would eat all of our socks or make a huge mess. It was also my first time in attempting to go to the actual market where the wild man had been, so I was a little apprehensive about that. It had been raining for a very long time, what some people call "summer storms" here in Central. Well, the first thing I noticed was that the grass looked very green in our entire neighborhood. It was then that I saw how long our grass in our front yard had become.
It was a deep, healthy green, which was good. But it was at least six inches too tall; compared to the rest of the neighborhood anyway. I couldn't remember the last time Ed and I had fixed the grass. I had suggested a lawnmower, but neither of us knew exactly how to work one. So Ed just transmuted the grass shorter and we swept up the leftover pieces of grass that we didn't know what to do with.
"Change of plans, Puff." I announced to the kitten for no good reason, just to fill up the silence and feel like I was clueing her in, as I searched for a piece of chalk. "I need to transmute the grass, then go shopping, okay?"
I scribbled a quick, basic circle on the ground and focused my energy on the grass instead of the pavement like Ed had told me to do. He didn't have to use a circle, but I still didn't understand the concept of simply clapping. Well, I understood it, but I didn't know how to apply it to myself. The grass immediately shortened and left me with a clean-cut lawn. I smiled at my work, then began sweeping up the remains of the grass. Brother would be so happy that I did this for him. I could remember him complaining about it being tedious work that should be done by itself.
I bit my lower lip, gazing sadly at the corner where I had last seen my brother; even then he was in a car and it was driving away from me. How was I supposed to have known that two weeks later there would still be no sign of him? Mustang had called me once, only to tell me that no progress had been made, but they were still searching. It wasn't too comforting to hear, but I was relieved that they hadn't found him… well… in a state that I'd rather not mention…
The thought of shopping for one didn't sound too appealing to me… so I bought enough for two people, just in case.
The seeds root,
It probably started with the grass. All of a sudden, I was occupying myself by doing weird things around the house. Reorganizing things to accommodate Ed and stuff that we had discussed about doing, but never got around to doing. Like the main room, for example. Ed was complaining that it looked too dull, so I had suggested painting the walls. He thought that was a great idea and we even decided on what colors to use. Then, it never happened. Both of us just forgot, and it wasn't as if painting a room was all that important.
However, what I had decided to take up was planting a garden. It was out front, underneath the window of Ed's study. I had removed a patch of the grass there and planted some seeds I bought at the market in the soft soil. The seeds I had picked were flower seeds, I wasn't too confidant in my ability to cultivate a vegetable garden. I wasn't anywhere as handy with plants as, say…, the Tringhams. I planted a rose bush on either end of the window, then next to the rose bushes and beneath the window came tulips, then violets, and then finally daisies right in the middle.
I had returned the books on relationships and stuff to Sheska recently, then I managed to borrow a book on gardening from her. I wanted to make the front yard look pretty, so I figured that a small garden couldn't hurt. If this turned out well, then I could probably do some things around back, too. I gave the soil and firm pat, shaping little mounds where the seeds were placed so I could water them easily. I grabbed the watering can I transmuted out of some old tin cans I was planning on recycling. Drizzling the water over the soft soil, I wondered how much the flowers would get and hoped that I'd left enough space between them to grow well.
It didn't even occur to me that it was summer and it might get too hot for the seeds to root.
The flowers bloom,
Little buds were popping out of the ground. They weren't flowering yet, it was too early. Instead, little tiny green sprouts were coming out of the ground. I planted them almost a week and a half ago. There was still no word about my brother. My initial worry was setting in again; I was starting to get paranoid and fidgety again. My hope on him coming home was starting to fade a little. Once… I even wondered if he was alive… I never want to think about the possibility of him being dead ever again. Never, ever again.
I watered the sprouts, gazing sadly at my small, pathetic garden. I knew it wasn't going to flourish for some time… but it was pathetic because I was trying to use it to take my mind off Ed. It wasn't working. I loved him too much to let a couple of seeds take my mind off of him.
I heard humming from across the street. Looking up, I saw a woman bent over her own garden. She was tending to her flowers, they looked very beautiful. She was very concentrated on her work, not minding getting dirty at all and she was very delicate. A man came out of the house soon after, wrapping his arms around the woman's shoulders and saying something to her. She laughed and he just sat back and watched her. They looked very happy together.
The children play…
I set Puff on the grass outside, just content to sit back and watch her. Well, I wasn't exactly content since Ed was still missing. Actually, I was miserable.
I was sitting on the porch, knees drawn up to my chest and watching my little tawny kitten play with her ball. Several other of her toys were out there to occupy her also, including a pair of socks that she ended up liking more than me. Across the street at the house where the woman had been gardening, three children and a toddler were running around and involved in a game of tag. They were all laughing and squealing, tackling each other and trying to escape the "it".
It reminded me of when Ed, Winry, and I would run around and play similar games. Tag, Hide-and-Seek, and all those other games that we were amused by. I watched the kids playing for a while, until the woman from before, I'm guessing she's their mother, called them inside from the window. Then they were gone.
"Tag! You're it, Ed!"
"What! That's not fair. Make Al it!"
"But Brother, she tagged you. It's the rules."
"But I don't wanna be it!"
"Ed, no one ever wants to be it."
The stars gleam…
It was a clear sky. I could see each and every one of the stars. It was nice since it had been cloudy and rainy for a while, but seeing the stars like that also made me a little regretful. I was sprawled out on the grass gazing straight up at the sky, just like when Ed and I were kids and waited for mom to call us back inside.
"Aren't they beautiful, Bro-?" I stopped myself, my breath hitching before I uttered that word. It was hard. I missed him a lot and even with a cat for company, it was still very lonely. I sighed, "I wonder if you can see the stars where you are…"
The poets dream…
I was carrying a load of laundry into the bedroom we shared, setting the clothes on my bed. I'd put them away later, I didn't feel up to it right then. I wandered out of the room and past Ed's office. For a brief moment though, I could've sworn that I saw him at his desk. The frown of concentration and annoyance that he wore whenever he did he did his work was there, his eyes flickering upward. Then he turned to look at me, the frown was gone and he smiled at me. A happy smile.
Then he was gone. I blinked rapidly and rubbed at my eyes. Nothing. It had just been a trick of my mind or some kind of memory.
The eagles fly… Without You…
I decided to go for a walk, on the eleventh day since Ed went missing. I'm not sure how I got to that bench, or why I brought along a piece of toast that I crumbled up into even smaller pieces so I could feed the birds that gathered around the bench. I dropped some of the toast onto the ground, several birds immediately going after the crumbs. Two hung back though, waiting for me to toss more bread. I did, watching as they pecked at the ground hungrily. All of the birds' appetites reminded me of Ed when he was hungry.
"I hope he's getting food…" I worried, dropping more pieces of bread to the floor. "I hope he's getting sleep and not getting sick or cold…" I gasped when two of the birds flew away together, somewhere far away.
"Brother…" I sighed, watching the birds sadly, until they were nothing more than two dots in the big, blue sky. "Where are you?"
The earth turns…
I marked a thirteenth 'x' on the calendar in the kitchen. He'd been missing for almost two weeks now and there was no word from Mustang. I honestly wondered if he was even trying. I had half a mind to just go and look for Ed myself, but I knew that an eleven-year-old boy wouldn't get far… If I were a State Alchemist, maybe, but I wasn't. I tossed the pen onto the counter, glaring at it as if it were the cause of my brother's disappearance.
A sound that I had been hoping for and dreading came to my ears. The phone! I rushed to answer it. They found him! They found him! He's okay! Brother will be coming home!
"Hello?" I answered, keeping my fingers crossed for good news.
"Hey, Al!" I felt my heart sink. That wasn't the voice I'd been hoping to hear.
I tried to keep the remorse out of my tone, "Hi, Winry. It's nice to hear from you."
"I know! I'd figured now that you two have settled down, you could have the decency to call us once in a while." she sounded peppy, not exactly happy since we hadn't called her; but she still sounded like herself. I wondered if I sounded like myself. "How have things been?"
"They've been better…" I heard myself mumble, catching her attention.
"Al? Is something wrong?" Winry asked me, sounding concerned. "You don't sound too well…"
I shook my head, "No… I'm okay. Really. Just a little tired. Brother let me get a cat, you know. She's so pretty."
"Al-?"
"I named her Puff, she's really fluffy and cute and-"
"Alphon-"
"-she's a very good listener and she doesn't do any bad things except eat socks. And then-"
"AL!"
I winced, squirming uncomfortably and fiddling with the phone cord, "Y-yes, Winry?"
"There's something wrong. Please tell me. Did you have a fight with Ed?"
I swallowed, feeling tears prick my eyes, "N-no…"
"Then what's wrong? You know you can tell me. Does it have something to do with Ed? Did he… I don't know… say something to you?"
"Why do you think this has to do with him! It doesn't!" I was close to panicking, Winry didn't need to know that Ed was missing. And what did she mean by 'did he say something to me?' "I'm fine, Winry… really…"
She wasn't convinced, "Alphonse-"
"I've just… lost something important to me. That's all."
The sun burns…
It was hot. It was so hot that I couldn't even move myself from the couch to the bathroom so I could take a cold bath. I was sweating like crazy, the pants I had decided to wear that day were sticking to my legs and my bangs were almost plastered to my forehead. Puff was somewhere in the kitchen, probably huddled near the refrigerator. I felt so disgusting, I wanted so badly to go and cool off… but I didn't have energy. Brother is in the desert… It's hotter there than it is here… I should be able to put up with this if he has to put up with that. It's only fair…
But I die… Without You…
"I'm sorry Alphonse… the lead was fake. There's still no sign of Edward."
I hiccupped, burying my face into my arms as I nestled deeper into the corner. The tears wouldn't stop falling, I felt an ache in my chest and I just wanted to scream. It hurt so much. I could almost feel constricting bindings all around me, but there was nothing. A sob forced it's way out of my throat. Fifteen days now… fifteen days of searching with no sign of him. I shivered and gasped; coughed and sputtered. I felt like everything around me was falling apart… it might've even been me that was falling apart. I couldn't tell anymore. All I knew was that it was night because it was pitch black except for the moon.
"Brother…" I sobbed, "You idiot…"
No one answered me. If there was any way for me to be crying harder, I would've been. I needed him here with me. I needed to know he was okay. I've never liked being apart from him before… so why? Why was this happening? Hadn't we suffered enough? Why separate us now? Why!
"Just give him back to me…!" I cried out, banging my fist into the wall and slumping to the side, "That's all I'm asking! Please!"
The fates must hate us…
Without You… the breeze warms,
It wasn't as hot today as it was two days before. I was relieved, sitting on a swing in the park. There was a light breeze out, not too humid and a little refreshing as I swung back and forth in a slow, easy motion. My hair was getting longer still, I kept forgetting to cut it. Or maybe I really did want it to be long like Ed's. Then we could brush each other's hair. I smiled at the thought; it sounded like something girls would do, but we both would have long hair so…
I shivered as the wind touched my skin beneath my t-shirt. The swing came to a halt, my hands clenching on the chains that held it to the frame. I looked out at all the kids playing with their friends, mothers chatting on park benches, and teenage boys playing some kind of sport on the grass.
Winry was coming to visit. Even though I told her everything was fine, she assumed something was wrong and stated that she was coming over to try and knock some sense into me or my brother; whomever was causing the problem. I didn't have the heart to tell her that he was missing. My stomach clenched at the thought of how she'd react to this news, but even more so when I'd have to accept it again.
"Why can't things be easy?" I mumbled to no one, going back and forth on the swing again.
It was really a nice park. I'll ask Ed to take me here one day when he comes home.
The girl smiles,
"Where's Ed?"
"He's not here." I tossed a ball that jingles when it rolls; it was Puff's new favorite toy. She scampered after it.
Winry looked down at me. She was standing up and I was sitting cross-legged on the floor. We'd been watching Puff for a while, at first I'd put on an air of pride and showed off our house and Puff to Winry. However, now I couldn't hold the fake cheeriness. It wasn't a home without Ed; it was just a house that I was sitting in. Winry had cooed over Puff, but not enough to brighten the tension that settled around us. I had told her she could sit down, but she didn't seem interested in doing that.
"Al, where's Ed?"
I stroked the small patch of white fur behind my kitten's orangey-beige ear, "I told you, he's not here right now."
"That's not what I meant." her tone suggested that I stop trying to avoid the question. "At least tell me when he's coming back."
"Soon. It should be soon now." I replied, watching Puff chase after the jingle ball again with mild interest.
Even if I wasn't looking at her, I could tell Winry was frowning at me as if she were disappointed. "Al… what do those Xs mean? On your calendar?" I didn't respond. "Do they mean how long Ed's been gone?"
"Maybe."
"What do you mean 'maybe'?"
I didn't answer her again. I didn't have to, I think she understood. Like Puff. She understood, she always understood. A soft touch was on my shoulder. I raised my head wearily and looked at Winry. She seemed sad, worried too, and she gave my shoulder a light squeeze.
"I was thinking that maybe we could go visit Miss Izumi… it might cheer you up, Al." she offered, not removing her hand.
I didn't want to leave. What if Mustang called and I didn't answer? Or what if Ed came home and I wasn't here? My gaze fell back to the floor. I wouldn't mind visiting Teacher… but I'd rather do it with Ed… and without the risk of getting beat up. She hadn't seen me like this yet… I wondered if Ed even told her were still alive…
"Al…?"
I met her gaze and was able to flash a small smile, "Okay, Winry."
She beamed happily, relieved she could do something for me. After all… it wouldn't hurt to go to Dublith for a few days, right?
The clouds move…
The train ride was close to unbearable. I couldn't stop fidgeting. The concerned glances from Winry weren't helping either. It made me nervous that it was her sitting across from me instead of Ed. It had always been Ed right across from me. Even when Winry did accompany us on those few occasions, she sat next to Ed who sat directly in front of me. When we ate he sat across from me; probably the only time we weren't across from each other was when we slept togeth- next to each other! When we slept next to each other or cuddled or something… It was just weird not having him there.
"Can you please tell me what's happened to Ed?" she wouldn't stop asking that.
I sighed, then forced a smile, "I told you, he's fine. Just really busy on a business trip. Nothing dangerous."
"The military have business trips?" Obviously she didn't buy it.
"Yes." I lied, "All the time."
She arched an eyebrow, but said nothing else on the subject. I was relieved; I hated lying to her… but I didn't want her to know the danger that Ed could be in as we went on some little trip. I shouldn't be doing this… not without Brother. I kicked myself mentally, I couldn't cling to him forever- wait… he said something about me feeling like I needed to stop clinging to him… when we first moved in, right. It was our first fight in the new house where we didn't talk for three days. And to think I was a wreck back then… and he was still in the house! I drew my legs up to my chest, my physical representation of me being distressed. I'm pathetic. I'm fifteen years old and I still need to follow after my big brother to feel safe. But… this isn't about feeling safe… This is love, so… does that make a difference? Or am I still pathetic?
"So, do you think Miss Izumi will be surprised?" Winry broke the silence again.
I sighed, "Oh yeah… she'll be surprised alright…" And I'll take the blows for it… I cringed outwardly; I wasn't looking forward to a beating.
Winry chuckled, "Oh, don't be a baby, Al. It won't be that bad."
"Says you… you're not going to get your bones crushed…" I replied with a scowl, turning away to look for the food cart. I was starting to get hungry; I hadn't been eating much so I guess it was taking a toll.
Shaking her head, Winry continued laughing, "You sound just like Ed!"
I blinked, facing her once again and suffering from whiplash. "What?"
"You sound like Ed. I guess he's rubbing off on you." she winked, then went back to her book on automail construction for birds.
I watched her for a minute, then leaned my forehead against the window. Me like Brother? That's real funny… The glass was warm, even though the sun was behind the train. Clouds flew by in the sky, looking like they were moving very fast, but it was only the train. The clouds probably weren't even moving at all…
Without You… the tides change,
It was different. The blow to my face that would usually have no effect on me whatsoever, had me close to tears almost immediately.
"You've had worse beatings." Izumi growled at me, thrusting an ice pack into my arms, "What makes this so different?"
I took the ice pack gratefully and pressed it to my swollen cheek. The bleeding in my mouth had stopped, but they was a sore where I had bitten down on it. I didn't want to answer her, she didn't have to know that they sent Ed away and now no one knew where he was. However, I think Teacher suspected something when I didn't reply. Normally, I would have had some kind of comment to make.
I hadn't even been in the house for very long. Winry and I arrived on the doorstep, only to be greeted by Mason, who was really excited to see me all flesh and stuff and then he called for Teacher, who then threw a piece of meat at my face and then punched me. Exactly the way I'd envisioned this meeting being played out. I glared half-heartedly at Winry; she wasn't attacked and was having a nice little conversation with Sig.
"So where is that pathetic older brother of yours hiding? I'm sure he knows what's in store for him… I'll make him wish that- What's wrong?" she cut herself off, looking to me with an odd gaze.
I sniffled, unaware of the tears that were gathering in my eyes, "Nothing."
Her eyes narrowed, and I could feel the stares of everyone in the room on me, "Where is Edward?"
"I don't know…" I felt exposed; naked without my brother to shield me. It's sad… I've known these people for so long, but I'm only comfortable around them with Ed.
They didn't say anything, I think they could tell I was bothered by the subject so they switched to how it was like for me to be in body again. Mason was asking most of the questions, while Sig occasionally commented on how much bigger I was getting. Teacher just watched, listening or not… I can't be too sure… but it looked like she was still suspicious.
I slept in the room that Ed and I used to share… It was lonely.
The boys run,
I smiled to myself as I rested my chin on my arms, gazing out the window and down at the front yard. Mason was playing with a bunch of the neighborhood boys, almost like tag but with a ball being tossed back and forth between them. Winry was hanging the laundry, she had wanted to help out Teacher because she wasn't feeling very good. She was taking a nap.
Stretching out my arms, I vaguely wondered if Mustang had tried to call while I was gone. I hoped he left messages… maybe ones saying that Ed was okay! My hopes were getting high again. Inwardly, I scolded myself for thinking like that. I didn't want to be all happy and hopeful if it was all going to come crashing down on me in the end.
"Hey! You got me!" One of the boys laughed, leaping onto another to try and wrestle back the ball.
They all looked so happy. Mason had invited me to play with them, but I didn't know the rules and I wasn't really up to it. I was content just to watch them run and play. I was happy for them; I'm sure they didn't have to worry much about their big brothers living or dying…
The oceans crash…
It hurt so much… it was hard to breath… I can't breath. Oh my god, I'm suffocating! I can't breath! My chest is tight… it's getting tighter. Where'd they put my arm? Oh, it burns! God, make it stop! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! I keep telling them that… they're not listening. I don't know!
LEAVE US ALONE!
"NO!" I sobbed, clutching the blankets close to my shaking frame. My chest really did feel tight, my breathing coming in short gasps. "No… please… don't hurt him."
My pleas went unheard. I was trembling violently, the dream felt so real… I could actually hear Ed's thoughts echoing in my own head. It was scary… the people had no faces. But they had guns and were angry and there was something tight against my brother's throat. He couldn't breath… he was going to suffocate. I gasped out another cry of despair, flinging the covers off my body and rushing to change my clothes. I couldn't stay here. Not when my big brother needed me. I needed to get to him. I needed to save him!
I threw all my clothes into the small suitcase I'd gotten, clasping it shut and stumbling down the stairs. It was pitch black still, it wasn't even close to dawn. I had to feel around to make sure I didn't bump into anything, but my movements were jerky and I fell into the front door. A steady grip caught me though.
"What're you doing?" I recognized that voice anywhere.
Reluctantly, I turned to face Teacher. Her gaze was hard and searching, trying to see what I've been hiding from them these past few days. I knew I wasn't how they remembered me, but how could I be? When I was younger I didn't have to worry about Edward dying.
"I'm going for a walk." I lied quickly, she slapped me for that.
She sighed heavily, "Don't you boys know me better than that? I trust that you're not going off to do something stupid. Edward's in trouble and the military won't say anything, is that right?"
I looked away, biting my lower lip in agitation, "Yes…"
"They're searching for him, aren't they?" she tried to pry more information from me.
I nodded, releasing a choked up sigh, "Y-yes…"
"Alphonse…" I raised my head to look at her again, her eyes were sad now. "Do what you need to do. We won't stop you."
I blinked, gaping openly at her as she said this. Slowly, a sad, but relieved smile came to me, "Thank you." I bowed politely, then turned to leave once again, my body still trembling from the force of the nightmare.
"Don't forget to stop by again once you find him. I'm going to want to knock some sense into both of your thick skulls."
I smirked to myself and nodded again, "Okay. And Winry…?"
"We'll take care of her, Al. Don't worry." Teacher gave my shoulder an affectionate squeeze, "Hurry up, the next train for Central leaves in fifteen minutes."
"Okay…" I stood there for a moment, then suddenly I was flinging myself around her and hugging her tightly, "I'm sorry for all the trouble we've caused you…"
"It's to be expected from you two." She sounded tired, but amused, "Now get going before I have to send you flying back to Central."
"Right." I stepped back and smiled, then grabbed my suitcase once again and darted out the door and down the street. I wasn't going to sit back and do nothing.
The crowds roar…
It was so noisy. I cringed as the buzz of people talking and shouting and moving rang through my head. The train station was so crowded. I forced myself through, getting caught between so many people and their luggage. It was stuffy and claustrophobic for me. I really didn't want these people touching my arm or my back or my leg, I only wanted Ed to touch me there. Finally there was space! But the crowd was still roaring with indistinguishable voices. Shaking my head in disdain, I broke into a run so I could hail a taxi and get home as soon as possible.
First I was going to check and see if anyone called, then I was going to find a way to get to where Edward was. Of course, I'd have to rely on those dreams… but I couldn't even completely rely on those. Who knew if they were actually happening or if I was just making it all up because of my paranoia? I sure didn't know… but something told me that it was very real…
The taxi pulled up to the curb and I quickly hopped in; I wanted to get home and away from all the loud people. I wanted to find my brother.
The days soar…
Another several days were marked off the calendar, mainly the ones where I was in Dublith. That made 20 days. 20 days and one message…
"Alphonse Elric. We've surrounded your house. You can't go anywhere, or your big brother won't be opening his eyes tomorrow morning. Just stay where you are and no one will get hurt."
That was the day I arrived in Dublith. These people were long gone by now. I had checked. I know it was stupid of me, but I couldn't remember if I had seen anyone hiding near our house. I checked the entire neighborhood, but no one was there. I think they figured out that I had left. I wonder if that's bad or not.
I didn't like those people, they threatened to hurt Ed. They needed me for something though… I knew that… So I couldn't stay here anymore. I needed to leave as soon as possible. Who knew if those people might come back? Who knew if someone had already hurt my brother so badly? I shivered, stepping away from the calendar and slowly going towards my room. I was scared; what if someone was still in my house? I figured that wouldn't be the case though… considering that Puff was content and fast asleep on my bed. She'd been staying with Gracia and Elysia, I had asked them to watch her and they had really enjoyed my kitten's company. I hope they wouldn't mind taking care of her again… I couldn't bring her with me. I sat down on the edge of my bed, staring at my unpacked suitcase and wondering where I would have to go… I had no idea…
But I die… without you…
"No, you bastards! I told you already, I don't know anything!"
"Talk you damned dog! Tell us what you know!" I was slapped hard… harder than Teacher's. The flesh was hot and stinging, but no tears came to my eyes.
"I told you, I don't know anything!" I was angry, angry and afraid. These people were insane.
I wanted to struggle, I wanted to get out of here and go home. It would be safe there, I could take Al and leave and we'd go somewhere safe. I glanced down at the ugly stump of a leg I had left. Those bastards had ripped off my automail limbs, leaving the ports open and free to get infected. Not only that, but my wrist was bound to a wall. I had struggled against it the first week, but all I succeeded in doing was making my wrist bleed. I was a mess.
"Don't you get it! If you don't talk, not only will you suffer… but whoever is in that house on the address that you kept in your pocket. It must mean something to you, doesn't it?" I was more than afraid now… I was terrified. My blood ran cold and for a second I think my heart stopped.
"What address?" I tried to play off, hoping they didn't notice the fear that made my voice quiver. Maybe they were only pulling my leg. Bad pun…
"I believe it's 423 Cheshire Avenue, the current residence of Edward, whom we all know is you, and Alphonse Elric." I felt my eyes grow wide, they couldn't do anything… could they? "Hmm… I see you recognize the name. Don't try to weasel your way out of this, we know everything about you. We're not as stupid as you may think. Now talk or I'm going to order a direct assault on the damned house whether you know who they are or not!"
I couldn't help it, they were going to kill him… if I didn't say anything, they were going to kill my baby brother, "I don't know! I don't! But please, don't hurt him! Please!"
My back was breaking, or that's what it felt like. Pain shot through every inch of my body and I couldn't help but scream. The blinding lights made me dizzy, I wanted to throw up, I wanted all this to stop. But if they were hurting me, then maybe Al was safe. Maybe…
I screamed again before everything went dark.
I wasn't aware that it was me screaming for some time. I managed to wake myself up from the terror that plagued me, but my insides were writhing and I couldn't stop the sounds that were forcing themselves out of my mouth. It felt so bad; it hurt so much. But this pain was probably nothing compared to what he must be going through. I squirmed on the bed, trying to alleviate the pain by doubling over and clutching my sides. White dots swam before my eyes and everything was spinning and blurring. But if I closed my eyes, all I saw was blood pooled out in front of me in a small white room.
When I finally quieted down and the pain ebbed away, I was left curled up in the blankets of my bed. Moaning from the intensity, I let tears spill down my cheeks freely and made no move to wipe them away. My heart hurt. My head hurt. My entire body hurt. But I kept reminding myself that Ed's pain must be far worse than mine. It must be.
Then why does it feel like I'm dying?
The world revives…
Everything was blurry and white… my entire body was throbbing in pain. I weakly raised my head, but only to let it fall limp once again. It was all too spinny. Like someone had spun me on one of those things at the playground, then mangled up my body and tossed it into Roy Mustang's office. I groaned, blinking some more and trying to regain my composure.
Panic came to my senses, "Al…" my voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper, quieter than a whisper actually, "Alphonse… Al…?" Those bastards were going to hurt him, just because I was stupid enough to leave him alone and get caught. Dammit! Leave him out of this! "Alphonse!"
A swift kick to my side left me coughing up bile and blood.
Colors renewed…
I blinked wearily, unsure if I had slipped off into another nightmare or not. It was still dark, but I could hear rain pounding on the roof again. I didn't understand what was wrong with this summer. Storms and heat waves? I sighed, burrowing deeper into my blankets, though they weren't covering me. I hadn't bothered to get under the covers. I heard a small mewl from across the room. Glancing up, I saw that the closet door was open and a little kitty tail was swishing back and forth.
"Puff… what're you doing?" I slid off the bed and walked over to her. "Whatcha got there?"
There was something in her mouth as I pulled her out of the closet, it was too dark to tell what it was though.
But I know blue…
The colors were swimming together; the white of the room and red of my blood swirling together to make pink. But somewhere in there was a yellow, maybe even a green or a purple… All the colors might've been there. I was so dizzy… it was hard to keep my body from slumping forward again.
Suddenly, all the colors were gone and everything was turning blue… I was slowly blacking out again, I think… everything was fading away one by one…
Only blue… lonely blue…
The fabric was recognizable, soft and dark. Once the room lit up with lightning from the storm, my eyes widened at what I was holding. My blue coat… the one that had matched Ed's… I had lost it a little while after he left. The flamel… my eyes teared up as I recalled seeing that same flamel on the back of my big brother as he was walking away…
"Hey, I'll be back soon. I promise."
"I love you too, you sap."
"Brother…" I whispered brokenly, burying my face into the fabric of the coat that resembled his so strongly. Only his was red… my was blue…
You and me blue…
"Alphonse…"
"Brother…"
Without you…
Without you, the hand gropes,
I couldn't believe that after all this time… his scent was still lingering on his pillow. My hand fisted into the cushy material and I drew it close to my body, trying to stifle my sounds in it. I inhaled deeply, taking in his scent and recalling what he looked like when we were curled up together on my bed right before he left. My breath hitched again. I just wish it were easy enough for me to reach out and take his hand… then pull him back over to me. But it wasn't… My fingers clenched and I squeezed my eyes shut and praying for morning to come.
The ear hears,
"Al…"
My heartbeat picked up, immediately releasing the pillow and shooting up to stare at the door that lead to the hallway. I could've sworn I'd heard his voice… It was just my mind…
"Where are you?"
Wait… it definitely sounded like him! Distant, but it was his voice! "Brother!" I darted out of the room and into the hall, going straight for the front door. Lightning flashed and thunder roared, the door was still locked… there was no car anywhere in sight… there were no messages since the phone died… and Ed wasn't here.
"Brother? Are you there?" I called out, hoping that maybe he was just trying to sneak up on me like when we were kids.
The pulse beats…
Nothing.
I stood there for a while, looking down at my hands and listening closely, for any sound other than the rain hitting the roof and the thunder. All I could hear was my heartbeat. I could only hear a single heartbeat, when I knew there should've been two…
"Stupid…" I muttered, not sure who I was referring to anymore.
Without you, the eyes gaze,
Those bastards must really want me to suffer. They put the picture of me and Al right in front of me, but just out of reach so I couldn't help but look at it. He looked so happy there… I wondered if he was still happy with that new kitten and in the new house and living life in his newly restored body…
Of course he wasn't. For some weird reason he was never happy without me, just like I'm never happy without him.
The damn picture was smiling at me… With a stupid, grinning me sitting on the couch and looking relaxed and whatnot and with my good arm around Al's narrow shoulders. He was smiling cheerfully and a light blush was on his cheeks. I thought it was from all the excitement… "My brother…" I gazed sadly at the picture, I didn't want to be here, "What would you say to your stupid big brother now, hmm?" I laughed hollowly, "If you didn't hit me for this, then something must be wrong with you…"
"I'll come home soon… as soon as I can, Al… I promise…" a tear slipped down my cheek, but I couldn't wipe it away.
The legs walk,
I had a perfect view of my leg and my arm sitting on a table. All unused and shiny. Those damn bastards removed them… didn't want to risk me escaping… My ports were swollen and sore from being exposed for so long… I'd lost track of the days… it couldn't have been more than a month yet, right? I didn't know… there were no windows in here… only one door and crummy air vent that had rats always moving around up there.
I didn't like that air vent… I hated it more than the door, unless the door was opening. Inside of the air vent was black nothingness, it reminded me of looking inside Al when he was nothing but a soul glued to a suit of armor because of my stupidity. It was my stupidity that once again lead me into another mess. I should've seen the attack coming, should've been more prepared, shouldn't have even gone away from Al to begin with.
"I'm sorry, Al…" I murmured, staring blankly at the stump of my leg that was red and infected. "I'm so sorry…"
The lungs breath…
I grit my teeth and pulled hard against the bonds that kept me chained to the wall. The shackle digging into my wrist. A trickle of fresh blood flowed down my arm to mingle with what had long dried. My chest ached, it was battered and bruised and I bet one of my ribs were broken.
I took in a deep breath, despite the pain, and pulled harder. I had to wedge this thing loose for his sake! For Al, it was always only for Al! I pulled again and the blood ran faster, my head spinning and my chest was on fire. I took another deep breath, pulling and screaming at the same time until everything vanished and I was dead to the world again…
The mind churns!
I was so sick, doubling over as I stumbled out the door with my suitcase in tow. It was still raining, but my train would be arriving soon and I needed to get Puff to Gracia. The images of Ed lying in a pool of his own blood wouldn't leave me be! I choked on nothing as I cradled the beige kitten close to my chest, beneath my blue coat and away from the rain. I kept hearing his voice echoing in my head. It wouldn't leave me alone! It was so pained and broken… My vision would stay straight either, sometimes it almost looked like I were back in that dream place, but then I'd find myself on the cold concrete and shivering in the rain.
I needed to hurry, I needed to get away from here and find my brother! I picked up the pace, despite being lightheaded and incoherent.
The heart yearns!
"AL!"
I fell to the ground with another sob, Puff squirming out of my arms and blinking at me. I probably looked so pathetic down there, but each sensation was getting worse. My body was aching and it felt out place and not right… my mind could stayed focused and I kept loosing my grip on reality. I felt my brother was close by, but then so far away. So many thoughts rushing through my head, more than half weren't my own.
"Al!" Make it stop! "This pain… is nothing…" It hurts! "I can't keep doing this!" Brother, where are you! "Stop it!" So dizzy… "Leave me alone!" Please! "Al!"
The rain was mingling with my tears, all different witnesses covering my face. I was choking on nothing, heaving up nothing, tears and rain falling and falling.
The tears dry… Without you…
"I… I've got to go…" Puff only pawed at my hand. "I have to find him… but where would I even look? The East is so big… what if he's not even there anymore?"
What was a fifteen year old boy who looked eleven going to do? I couldn't just wander around aimlessly and hope that someone would be kind enough to help me. People with a brain would try and send me home. But I can't go home. Not without Ed.
With all the tears shed, I steadily rose to my feet, rubbing at my face with the sleeve of my coat. I could still feel the remains of them, but it was okay. I could just say it was rain.
Life goes on… but I'm gone…
"Watch it, damn kid."
I found myself once again sprawled over the pavement as the rain pounded on my back. I glared up at him with as much anger as I could force out. The man who bumped into me just glared back, not even paying any attention to the fact that he almost stepped on Puff. My poor kitten was drenched. I bent down and scooped her up into my arms, biting my lower lip as the man started to grumble again.
"Kids these days, never any consideration for the feelings of others…"
"Do you know what it's like not to feel anything?" I spit out venomously, catching the man off guard, "I thought not… if you'd excuse me I have bigger problems than wasting my time dealing with an old man like you!"
Storming past him angrily, my coat was basically plastered to my skin, but I could care less. I was not going to let anything stop me. No one was getting in my way. I'm coming, Brother… please just hang on a little longer! I pleaded inwardly.
"I can't…"
Yes you can! You can, Brother! You're the Fullmetal Alchemist! The hero of the people! My only family left! Please! You're so strong… you're so strong, Brother… Can you hear me? Please don't go… please… I need you… I love you…
I knew he couldn't hear me, but it reassured me as I kept pleading and hoping and begging. Running faster than I did when I was escaping the gun shots that one time. I tried to keep Puff from jolting too much, but it couldn't be helped. I needed to hurry. I should've left the day I got the call… Brother, forgive me?
No reply other than the rain again… It was always raining…
Because I die… Without you…
Without warning, a blow to the back of my head sent me flying forward. I cringed in pain, my head throbbing and vision blurring. I saw Puff scampering away, obviously frightened by the attack. But who…? A pair of dark boots stopped in front of me. I looked up wearily, several men surrounded me and were dressed similarly to the animal man with the gun I had seen. One of the vaguely resembled the man I'd bumped into only seconds before. He was holding a rifle… I think that's what he hit me with…
I cried out when I felt a needle entire my skin, injecting something into me. I was numbed instantly, my mind growing black as I heard indistinct voices murmuring something about a car… a picture… a boy… blonde hair… metal…
Metal? No wait… it was Fullmetal… Fullmetal…
"Br…oth…er?" I gasped out, a heavy boot stamping on my chest and knocking the wind out of me.
I heard a chuckle, but it wasn't nice… it was fading away, "Don't worry, kid. You'll see your damned brother soon…"
My eyes slipped shut and everything got black and quiet… Brother…
There was nothing…
Without You…