Lunisa went around the clearing slowly, and Leeyoon could only watch and try to process what he was feeling. He did not do a very good job of it, as lost as ever with what he was feeling, though somehow this stung more. He felt, suddenly, he could deal with the mess of his existential confusion much easier than he could this realization. How do you even begin to work on a problem that doesn't have a name?
It was much worse because he knew that Lunisa would not want to share this problem with him.
He shouldn't have hurt so much. He barely knew her, after all. So what that he'd enjoyed her company so much; he'd ruined it, she'd asked him to go, and so go he would. Another problem he couldn't fix. He should be used to it, shouldn't he?
Lunisa stood still in the light rain and the glow of the flora around them as their light began to dim. They were unused to letting all their light out like that, unstoked, untempered, untamed by anyone, and so their gift was a short one. Lunisa, even with her back turned to him, seemed disappointed, but Leeyoon could tell she was unsurprised.
"I should go." He said plainly. Better to get it over with. Lunisa turned back to him, ears flipping halfway up, still unsurprised. "If that's still what you'd like," he offered.
She looked down and thought, and then nodded. "Right." He nodded back. "Well, have a good rest of your night, and.. sorry again." Lunisa only nodded again and turned away.
And so, heart aching immeasurably, Leeyoon turned and walked away.
He didn't head home, though. He was sore and tired and hurting, but he thought that, if his dealings with Lunisa were over, he ought to return the book. He hadn't been at Lunisa's tree long, so he ought to make it to the wax village by sunrise.
He trudged solemnly. For once, his thoughts were quiet, almost nonexistent. What was there to think, after all? He'd messed up, he'd apologized, but he'd messed up. It was over.
In a blur, he was at Kindle's library. It'd only been a few days since he'd been here last, though it felt like weeks. The sun was rising, the air heating around him, and Kindle themself was surely waking up inside, but he didn't dare go inside. It would be the final blow in his latest failure to go in and admit that he'd ruined everything.
He considered, very briefly, leaving the book outside and running away, but he supposed that would be rude to Kindle, and they didn't deserve that. So, with a deep sigh he pushed himself past the fabric curtain that kept him outside.
As he'd guessed, Kindle was awakening, stirring to life as the heat of the world allows them to move. Leeyoon had never paid much attention to the denizens of dusk and dawn, having only lukewarm opinions of them, preferring the people of the night, the people he had to impress, and he was fascinated. He watched as Kindle's wax went from dead and inert matter to them, living and moving and alive.
The heavyset wax person blinked once, and their eyes were on him. A shiver went up his spine, his dorsal fins flaring reflexively.
"I didn't expect you so soon, Leeyoon." Kindle smiled, but Leeyoon only hung his head and thumbed the book, still wrapped in its leaf. It hadn't stopped raining until recently, and he didn't want to drop it in a persisting puddle. He hung in the doorway, curtain closed behind him, suddenly no longer brave enough to follow through with returning the book.
It wasn't until Kindle put a hand on the book, clutched desperately in his shaking hands, that he even realized he had been stuck or had started crying. A tear had rolled off his shallow cheek onto their hand, the wax cooling stiffly beneath it.
"Leeyoon, why don't you sit down and tell me what's wrong?" The librarian said, their other hand placed warmly on his shoulder. He wanted to resist, but it was far too late for that, Kindle already leading him to one of the many tables. They took the book and sat him down and settled in beside him.
He just sobbed for a long while. He didn't have words for all that he was feeling, just all that feeling running it's way through him. All the misery of the past few months and the drama of the past few days finally leaving him in an emotional heave. If he weren't so overwhelmed, he might have felt embarrassed for the display, but Kindle was little more than a stranger, and he hurt too much to care what they thought. Besides which, they only seemed concerned.
When he was done, Kindle pat his back and asked him, "Better?"
"A bit." He mumbled.
Kindle nodded, "Good, good. I suspect that didn't solve all your problems, but it seemed much needed. What's been burning you, Leeyoon?"
Leeyoon wanted very badly to lie, to say it was nothing, to get up and walk away, appearances be damned, to walk into the woods and get so lost.. but he didn't. He looked up at them with puffy eyes, took a hard swallow, and told them everything.
When all was said, Kindle only nodded for a good while.
"It seems like it's been overwhelming you for a long time, little one." They said at last. Leeyoon couldn't argue. "Why keep it in for so long?"
"Who would I talk to? I didn't exactly cultivate friendships before.." He waved a hand, vaguely referring to the past and the even that defined his life.
"No, that's true. But you could have talked to anyone. You know everyone in the faun community; would any of them have turned you away if you asked for help, or even just a conversation?"
Leeyoon blinked. "N- no, I.. I suppose they wouldn't.. but it didn't feel right. I'd- I'd been taking advantage of who I was- who they.. they thought I was. It didn't seem right."
"I can understand that." They nodded, eyes closed. "Are you so sure this faun doesn't want you around, this little moon of yours?"
"She asked me to go, and she did not ask me to come back. It seems pretty cut and dry to me.."
"But she didn't ask you not to come back." Kindle pointed out. Leeyoon looked up and across at the book just out of reach. Kindle did have a point, but he felt sure that Lunisa would have explicitly asked for him to come back if he wanted to.
"I think it's over, Kindle. I'm not meant for this, I never was. It seems obvious now that the moon would reject me; I'm not fit for this part of the job, and if it wasn't clear before, I think it's clearer than crystal now." He sighed and laid his head on the table.
The library grew quiet, and at first it was fine that way, but Leeyoon soon realized he had not known Kindle to not speak like this. They were thoughtful with their words, but they were not the sort to hold back what they thought either. He looked up to see them staring hard at him.
For once, their soft face seemed hard with thought and even judgment, and it honestly terrified Leeyoon. They did not seem welcoming or kind or thoughtful in a helpful way; they seemed to be picking him apart piece by piece so thoroughly that he felt as if he might turn to dust. He did not, though, and what felt like forever but was really just a moment ended as Kindle slowly smiled.
"Leeyoon. I have been alive a very long time. Many of the books here in my library were written by my own hand, both copies and originals. I have seen many things and known many people, so I can say with certainty that you are not what you think of yourself. Inside you, there is a real you. You may think you know this real you, but- and please do not think me presumptuous to say this- but you don't know him yet. You've hidden him away, and it will take much work to find him again.
But, let me say this: when you find him, you will find that he has not been far away, never been out of reach, you have always had the power to be him, and he is good. You are good. And you can be better than what you think you are."
Overwhelmed, Leeyoon flusters, "Why- why are you- why tell me this? What am I supposed to do?"
"I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you who to be. I just know that you'll do well, when the time comes."
"The time comes for what?"
"Oh, this and that. Why don't you take your book, dear, you've got more time on it." Kindle grabbed the book and pushed it gently toward him.
"But I don't need.. I'm not.. She isn't…"
"She isn't the only one who speaks this way, dear. And besides, it is useful. Take it, and if you don't want it when the date is due, then you may return it and I will not push the issue." Kindle suggested in a way that was a command. "And, since the day is young, why don't you show me what you've learned?"