Disclaimer: I do not own Glee!
A/N: I am so sorry for not updating this! Please forgive me :) I had to do some beta stuff then I was given a Spanish oral to learn in two days and I got my exam timetable for January and I freaked out a bit! Besides that I had to buy stuff for Christmas and decorate the house last night! I am sorry and I hope this makes up for it!
So I know that Christmas is coming up and everyone should be getting into a festive mood right? Wrong. This year is officially becoming the second worst Christmas ever. I have one light of hope in all of this dark non-Christmassy mood that is over most people this year. Some people are convinced the world will end and others are just sad that their friends will not be here to celebrate with them. Many families are suffering because of the debt that Christmas brings their way and they are just not feeling festive.
For as long as I can remember Christmas has been important to my family; everyone forgot about the hatred and came together for one day. Many families do not have that privilege because loved ones are away at college and others are overseas fighting for our country. I have the greatest respect for those people and what they do but Christmas should be a time for happiness and not for worrying. Of course I come from a well off family but that doesn't mean that I don't have things that bring my Christmas spirit down.
Christmas has been awkward for the last few years for one reason. Everyone puts a smile on their face and ignores the huge (and I mean colossal) elephant in the room at family dinner. I don't let anyone see that this affects me in any way. That would be showing vulnerability; saying to everyone that you are weak in a way. This is not accepted in the Wilde family so we just move on and forget all about that Christmas six years ago. I know that we cannot show weakness but for God's sake could we not at least have some respect and acknowledge the fact that there is something missing; someone missing.
It isn't that I don't like Christmas; I loved Christmas as a little girl. All the excitement of getting presents and showing off my newest sparkling dress at church in the morning; that was my favourite part of Christmas. Now I am just glad that everyone still cares enough to come to church and ten come back to my house for a family dinner. Christmas leaves me with an empty feeling but now I realise that people are so much worse off than me around this time. I still have food, decorations and the presents.
The light in my life around this time has opened my eyes to just exactly how bad people have it. She puts on a brave face and comes to school but inside she is worrying. I guess it is a gift that I can read her so well. She is the strong one of the two of us but everyone has their bad times. My heart actually hurts when I think of this Christmas and how she will spend it. I can't believe how I have taken all this for granted and been such a bitch about most of it.
This year I will be eating a big family dinner surrounded by all the people who think that they care about me. Marley will be sitting down with her mother; eating whatever her mother could afford because she needs to start eating again. Her weight issues have really set her mum back and it may not be seen by others but she does try. I am actually ashamed that I used to mock and shout insults at her even after I knew she was Marley's mother. Christmas is a time for forgiveness and looking forward to the future. I know that is what I will be doing.
This time the promise has stuck and Marley and I have been closer than ever trying to help each other. Just being around her gives me the driving force to change. I am not doing this for anyone other than her; she is the most important person in my life. I can see that she is trying to get better too. She has admitted that she has a problem; she has an eating disorder and now she needs to get over it. The only thing I can give her is support and that is something that I can actually do.
My dad always is away on business the month before Christmas so that he can earn a week off to spend with the family. My house is our place where we can be with each other without anyone disturbing us. Sure the maid comes on some days but she is paid to not pay any attention to us and what we do in this house. I should mention to my dad about a big Christmas bonus for that time when she walked in on Marley and I doing something that wasn't studying. She just smiled at me and walked out the door without saying a word.
I have taken a lot more caution with hanging around Marley because I am not ready for the seriousness of everything being public yet. I know that she is scared too so we are in no rush. I haven't spent a lot of time with her lately because of finals and the pressure of my dad. Even though he is miles away he still calls to make sure that I am studying and sends my aunt over to check on me. Marley's mother just wants her to do her best but my best isn't good enough; I have to drill it into my head to earn any congratulations.
We both still hang about in school with the rest of the Glee guys even though the Glee Club isn't doing very well now. Everyone has lost hope but we still meet once a week to talk and work out ways to perform. That is what brings the club together; we all love to perform and express ourselves through music. I still haven't gotten to the step of expressing what is inside of me through music; I just stick with the outside version of me. Marley shines when she performs but she has lost some of the sparkle ever since she collapsed on stage.
I wish we could forget about it but some people just like to bring it up as a constant reminder of why we are not working on our dancing or vocals for Regionals. Tina is the worst for it even accusing Marley of not even being that great a singer even though we all know that is a lie. I let this get to me and I nearly exposed our closeness when she kept going on about it. I asked Sam about it because he knows a lot about the people in Glee. He explained to me that this was Tina's first solo performance in a competition and she got the spotlight taken away when Marley fainted.
I know that I would be pretty angry about that too if it ever happened to me. I sympathise with her but it doesn't give her the right to hate Marley when she didn't do anything on purpose. She knows what it is like to feel left out even when you are part of this club so why would she do it to anyone else. Tina may be a nice person really but Marley will always come first and I will take her side over anyone else's. It may sound pretty lovesick and everything but it is what this girl has done to me. I wouldn't say I was whipped.
Really? You gave her your jacket yesterday because she got a Slushee in the face and then proceeded to kick the jock in the nuts at lunch. Yeah but I was just protecting her! Then when you were going home after practice she sneaked up on you and walked with you to your car. You let her and then she asked you to stop at the park to see how beautiful everything was in the snow. Well it isn't my fault that she looks so adorable when she pouts. You are not lying...
Coach Sylvester hasn't let the festive spirit get into her head and just because some junior was ten seconds late for practice she made us go outside in the snow instead of the Gym. I don't know how that woman manages to look after a baby with her attitude. The funny thing is she hardly ever does; it is mostly me or Brittany who looks after her; I do the important things while Brittany keeps her happy. It has given us something to bond over but I would have preferred to do it some other way.
Finn hasn't really been that involved with the Glee Club since after Sectionals. He brought us together again with a really moving group performance with the help of his ex-fiancé. The group has spread out but we do still make time for each other. Ryder, Marley and I still sit together at lunch with Brittany and Sam because they are a couple now. Ryder still has his eyes on Marley but he is giving her space because he thinks that she isn't looking for a relationship now. Well just not with him anyway!
To be honest I don't even know if she even wants a relationship with someone or she just lies to be close with me. I don't know how I would feel if I was her girlfriend as such. I know that it would make me extremely happy to be able to think that Marley Rose was my girlfriend. I don't want to go to fast though because she is still recovering from her problem. I could tell that when I blurted out that I loved her it scared her at first. She tensed at the fact that I was willing to express myself like that but in the end it only made us closer.
My main worry at the moment is what to get her for Christmas because I am not sure what exactly we are. She hasn't mentioned anything about exchanging gifts to me but she has enough on her plate at the moment. She has been advised to go to some therapy sessions to help with her eating disorder but her mother is a lunch lady so God knows how she will afford it. I feel bad thinking about it because it is entirely my fault; all this pain that her mother is feeling has been caused by me. She will not have money to spend on a gift for me so I don't want her to feel bad if I get her a present.
She is enough for me; her kindness, her optimism, her shining eyes and her voice like an angels. I don't need some stupid present tied with a bow to know that she cares about me. I know that she does in the way she acts; she cares about everyone except herself. She needs to be reminded that she is loved and perfect in every single way. Her love is enough to last a lifetime but I am not sure she knows that I feel the same. I still act like a bitch in school to keep my reputation up but that isn't all that matters to me now. I just hope she knows that she is the reason for my life to be bright.
I have come to the mall to Christmas shop for my father because it is unlikely he remember to get my grandparents and his sisters something. I know exactly what perfume to get my Gran and what book to get my Grandfather. His two sisters are easy to buy for because one is a chef and loves anything to do with cooking and the other has a huge collection of shoes. I know exactly what she likes because she drags me out shopping with her every time my dad is away on business. This shall be easy; it is something for Marley that will be the challenge of today.
An hour and five different bags later I am almost finished with the whole Christmas shopping thing. I hate all the crowds and children that don't know when to shut up. I normally love shopping but around this time it is a nightmare. Some women skipped the queue and the women in front of me nearly had a fit. People can just get carried away with the whole rush and craziness that is shopping for presents. I had to stop and get a coffee because the stress was getting to me. Even though I had it all planned out there is always something unexpected that happens.
I was thinking the entire time about what to get Marley for Christmas. I thought about getting her something to do with music but she has such a wide taste that I wouldn't know what would make her happiest. Then I thought about getting her some new clothes but I am not sure what size she is because of her weight issues. It is only the first Christmas we will actually know the other exists so I don't want to overdo it. I have the money but I don't want her to think that I am being too forward. What do you get to the girl who is so selfless and doesn't care about material things?
I walk past endless stores full of Christmassy gifts but I don't want to but tacky gifts that no one actually cares about. I want it to be special to put across how exactly she makes me feel when we are together. I just don't know what will work. I would give her the world if she wanted it but she doesn't care about that. I need her know that I do mean it when I say that I love her and she is my world. She is an angel that was sent from heaven to make me see the light. She saved me from a horrible empty life and I am forever in her debt.
Something in a shop window makes me stop and is sparkling just like her shiny blue eyes. It reminds me of her and it may seem like too much to her but it will never be enough to me. She doesn't think she deserves any of this but that is what I want to make her see. She is the strong one but it is my turn to show her that I am here for her. This will show her just what I think of her and that is why I am drawn into the shop to buy it. I don't care about the price or anything like that because Marley deserves everything in this world. She is just so pure and selfless that everyone should be like her.
The shop assistant doesn't pay much attention to me buying it because it could easily be for me and not my friend who I am madly in love with. I don't need to mention that to her because it is none of her business. She seems like a judgmental bitch so I just hand her the money and leave as soon as possible. I am finally finished with the Christmas shopping for this year and I am so glad this only happens once a year. I have one stop now before I go home and wrap and give out these Christmas presents.
...
"Hi, this place looks beautiful in the snow, don't you think?" I look down at my snow covered shoes not really knowing what to say next.
"So I um, I came here for a reason today. I know that I don't visit often but it is because it is just so hard..." I look up because I know that I need to do this.
"I know that Dad would never accept this but I know that you are a lot different from him. He changed and I don't think he is a real person anymore. I need to tell someone about this and I thought about you first." I smile and continue. "I–I need your advice."
"So um first of all there is something you should know. I know that you are probably aware of this because you always knew exactly what I was thinking." A cold gush of wind makes me pull my jacket closer to me before I say anymore. I don't know why I am nervous but this is really getting to me.
"I-I think I ah, like girls they way I should like boys..." I look around quickly in case anyone else is around. I am alone so I get the confidence to go on.
"I know that this isn't what you wanted from me but it is who I am. I know that you just wanted me to make my dad proud but I never got to know what you thought. I missed the chance and I am sorry for everything." I feel tears coming down my cold cheeks but I let them go because I need to get this all out.
"I really did try to make you proud. I just hope that you will still stay with me after this; I don't think I could live with myself if you didn't. I just want you in my life in some way but I needed you to know who I am. Everyone pretends that they don't know you but I know that deep down they all are too afraid to admit that they miss you. I am not afraid anymore though." I wipe a few of the tears away with the back of my glove.
"So um if you were wondering what brought this all on, there is this girl, Marley Rose." I smile at the sound of her name. "She is so special that it is hard not to love her; I did try but her eyes are just something else. The thing that makes me love them more is that they remind me of your eyes. I got dad's hazel eyes but I remember always wanting to have your bright blue ones."
"I am really thankful for her because she saved me from becoming a terrible person. I was blind towards all the things that really matter in life but she helped me realise exactly how I could make you proud. I really hope she was right..." I stay silent because some part of me really wants a response but I know that I won't get one, I will never get one.
"I bought her a gift today but I just wanted to know if you would be with me when I gave it to her. I could use all the support you can give. It may be too much but I do love her and I need her to know that. I can't let myself make that mistake twice."
"All I ever wanted was to make you proud and I really am trying. There are times when I wish you could be there to know what I am thinking because I don't even know. Ever since then Dad hasn't been the same and I blame myself. I am sorry for it all but I just need you to believe in me. I always remember that you that it was never too late and that there would always be someone who could change you for the better. You helped to change me and I know it is for the better." I check my watch and realise that I have been standing here for over half an hour.
"I have to go now but I promise to visit again after Christmas. I will let you know if she likes it but I am sure she will. It reminded me of the one that you gave me when I started school. I still have it pinned to your favourite scarf." I bend down and set a single white rose on the ground.
"I hope you like it; it looks very plain here. It is a rose to remind you of this visit and the girl who stole Your Little Kitty's heart; I bet you never thought that was possible." I let out a small giggle but it is more like a choked sob. "I miss you every single day and I wish that you were still here even after six years today. I just want things to go back to the way they were. I know that will never happen so I have to let it go. Thank you for everything and just know that I am so sorry. I-I love you mom... Merry Christmas."
More tears escape down my cheeks as I slowly walk away from where she lies. I take one final look back to where the rose now sits beside the head stone. I can't believe that six years ago today my life turned upside down. I do love her with all my heart but I never told her it enough. I miss her every day and my life was empty without her to guide me through it all. Now I have a new person who makes my life better by just being alive and I do not want to mess this one up. Whether she likes it or not I will always love Marley Rose and I will do anything for her; even let her go.
A/N2: So Glee was um weird but I liked it. It is ten days to Christmas so let the Christmas chapters unfold :) This focused on the sad parts of Christmas and we can all relate to them. I am sorry if this made you all sad but the next chapter is full of Karley goodness! Thank you for all the reviews and I hope you liked this!