A/N: About the 'zed' and 'zee' thing, she was talking about the letter 'Z'. Canadians call it 'zed' while Americans call it 'zee'.
More importantly, this will probably be the stupidest thing I have ever written and the stupidest thing you will ever read. I have no idea where I got the idea to do a spoof of Portal 2, but here it is.
"Okay, why are we doing a spoof of our lives?" Glados asked in agitation.
"Boredom?" Chell suggested, shrugging, "And the fact that we have a handheld camera and nothing else to do with it."
"Let's… just get started," Wheatley said, turning the camera on.
…
Chell woke up in what appeared to be a hotel room. Suddenly, Wheatley jumped into the room.
"Hello, random person!" he greeted.
"Um… hi?" Chell replied.
"Okay, this place is pretty much about to explode, so we should get out of here," Wheatley reported calmly.
They then ran out the door and down the hall.
…
"There's something I have to tell you," Wheatley said seriously as they walked down a hallway, "In order to escape, we'll have to go through," the camera zoomed in on his serious face, "Candy Mountain!"
"Candy Mountain?" Chell asked skeptically.
"Yes. Candy Mountain," he replied. Suddenly his voice went extremely high-pitched, "It's gonna be an adventure! We're going on an adventure!"
"ADVENTURE!" Rick randomly yelled in the background.
They continued down the hall until they came to a door. Over it was a sign that said, 'Central AI Chamber'.
"Wheatley, I think that's the Central AI Chamber," Chell pointed out, reading the sign.
"Nope, that's Candy Mountain," he replied.
Suddenly, Morality, Curiosity, Knowledge, and Anger ran out the room and began to dance around while a song played:
"Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up
Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave
When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land
Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land
They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things
Oh, so many things that will brighten up your day
It's impossible to wear a frown in candy town
It's the mecca of love the candy cave
They've got jellybeans and coconuts with little hats
Candy rats, chocolate bats, its a wonderland of sweets
Ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band
Candy bells; it's a treat, as they march across the land
Cherry ribbons stream across the sky and to the ground
Turn around, it astounds, it's a dancing candy tree
In the candy cave imagination runs so free
So now Chell and Wheatley please go into the cave?"
Suddenly there was the sound of an explosion and the area shook.
"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?" Chell demanded.
"We blew up!" Curiosity happily replied.
"Well, I guess we should, uh, go in," Wheatley stated with a hint of nervousness.
"Goodbye Wheatley! Goodbye Chell!" the cores began to chant, herding the two into the room.
"What? No! What if she's in there?" Wheatley began to protest, trying to fight off the cores.
They were forced into the room and the door closed. It was a wide-open room with random objects scattered around.
"This isn't exactly the 'Central AI Chamber'," Chell pointed out, "It's just a room full of a bunch of random crap."
"Well, the real AI GLaDOS wants nothing to do with this spoof, so we had to compromise," Wheatley said, shrugging. He took a few steps and tripped over something, which turned out to be Glados, who was lying on the ground and looking dead.
"Ow…" Glados moaned softly.
"Hey, look, a random person!" Wheatley said, pointing. Glados stood up.
"Hi, random person!" Chell greeted. Glados glared at her. "Oh, it's you."
Glados picked up a random cube and threw it at her. "That's my line!" she corrected.
There was silence for a moment.
"Well, if it's your line, then say it!" Wheatley said exasperatedly.
"Oh, it's you," Glados said.
There was another awkward silence.
"Anyway, we didn't exactly think this scene through, so-" Glados picked up a crowbar and hit Wheatley on the head, knocking him out. She then grabbed Chell's arm and yanked her over to the incinerator opening thing that for the sake of this spoof didn't actually lead to the incinerator and threw her into it.
…
"AHHHHHHHhhhhhh…!"
Chell fell through the ceiling (portal, technically, but whatever) and onto the floor in… some area in the Enrichment Centre. Glados suddenly jumped in out of nowhere.
"WHA- HOW DID YOU GET HERE?" Chell yelled, startled.
"Magic," Glados replied calmly, "Anyway, the test chambers are that way." She pointed in a random direction.
"Ooookay," Chell said, wandering off in that direction with Glados following her.
…
"Poke, poke, poke…"
"Would you stop poking me?"
Glados snickered and kept poking.
"POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!"
They were still heading toward the test chambers. Actually, they weren't heading anywhere at all, but whatever.
"Since you actually can't use the speaker system, are you just going to follow me around?" Chell growled in exasperation.
"Yes," Glados replied calmly.
…
"You know, those test chambers were kind of failures," Chell commented.
"…To be honest, they were," Glados agreed.
They were hanging out in a random test chamber.
"They were really just a bunch of scenes of me running around random places with you following and Wheatley occasionally watching," Chell went on, "And with 'I'll Make a Man Out of You' playing."
Suddenly the power went off.
"Great," Glados muttered, pulling out a laptop that apparently controlled the facility.
"Hey, buddy!" Wheatley called out in a bad American accent, randomly appearing behind them, "I'm speaking in an accent that's beyond her range of hearing!"
"Did you hear something?" Chell asked casually.
"No," Glados replied, continuing to type or whatever she was doing on her laptop.
"No, it's not meant to be beyond your sense of hearing!" Wheatley protested in his accent, talking to Chell.
"I swear there is some sort of annoying buzzing going on," Chell commented, looking around.
"It's probably just the electricity acting up," Glados reasoned calmly.
"OI!" Wheatley yelled in his usual British accent.
"Wheatley!" they both yelled, Glados in an agitated tone and Chell in a… slightly less agitated tone.
"Hi," he replied a little irritably, "Okay, um, look, it's time to escape," he told Chell.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Glados interrupted, "No one's going anywhere."
There was an awkward silence.
"Hey, look, science!" Chell said, pointing.
Glados looked and the other two ran in the opposite direction. After a moment she noticed and gave chase.
The camera zoomed in on Chell's face. "I sense a chase montage," she said seriously. The camera zoomed out, revealing Wheatley standing beside her in a very stupid pose with his hands on his hips and his mouth wide open in a retarded grin. Glados stood behind them with a creepy look on her face. The other two turned, saw her, screamed, and ran.
A sped up scene of them running wild throughout the Enrichment Centre with upbeat background music proceeded.
Somehow Wheatley and Chell managed to get away from Glados. They disrupted the turret production and shut off the neurotoxin, yadda, yadda, yadda, they had no idea how they would spoof that. They went through the tube thing screaming, were separated, and so forth.
…
Chell ended up in some random area. Glados snuck up behind her and aimed a laser pointer at the wall.
"What's that?" Chell questioned out loud, sounding a lot like the Curiosity Core. She proceeded to try to catch the small red dot made by the laser pointer.
Amused, Glados pointed the laser in the direction of Candy Mount- err, the compromised AI Chamber. Chell chased it all the way there with Glados close behind.
"Wait a minute…" Chell said, looking around the room in confusion, "This is Candy Mountain, err, the Central AI Chamber, err, whatever we call the room where Glados sits and emos all day!"
Glados, turning off the laser pointer and locking the door to the room, decided to ignore that last comment and chuckled darkly.
"I honestly, truly didn't think you'd fall for that," she commented sadistically, "If I knew you'd let yourself get captured so easily, I would have just dangled a turkey leg from a rope on the ceiling."
"No, that wouldn't have worked," Chell replied, completely unfazed by the situation.
"What?"
"I don't like turkey."
Glados face palmed, sighing. "A cookie, then."
Chell thought for a moment. "Yeah, that would have worked."
Another face palm.
"On a more serious note, goodbye," Glados said. She picked up a turret (which happened to be defective) and placing it in front of Chell.
"We're back, and as nonlethal as ever!" the turret announced, pointing its laser at her and making clicking sounds.
"That didn't exactly go to plan," Glados commented calmly, eyeing the turret, "Uh, ALTERNATE USE OF THE WEAPON!"
She picked up the turret and threw it at Chell.
"NOOO! THIS IS NOTHING LIKE REHERSAL!" the turret yelled, hitting her in the face.
"Now, to finish you off with the neurotoxin," Glados said sadistically as Chell stood back up. She glanced around at the piles of crap that were still in the room. "Wait, where is the neurotoxin?"
"AHHHH! GLOOOOMP!" Wheatley screamed, suddenly appearing and glomping Chell. For those of you who don't know what a glomp is, it's a cross between a tackle and a hug.
"What the-? GET OFF ME!" Chell yelled, kicking him off.
Wheatley, panting after getting a hard kick to the stomach (and the face), turned to Glados and said, "Uh, as a heads up, while we were escaping we were kind of, uh, singing and screaming and there's a very slight chance that we may have infuriated the real AI GLaDOS…"
Suddenly a spike plate slammed into the ground in front of them, and they screamed and jumped back.
"A very slight chance? You think?" Chell asked sarcastically as the spike plate slowly lifted itself back up again, leaving a rectangular crater in the floor.
"So, what now?" Wheatley asked absentmindedly.
*Cough*coretransfer*cough*
"Oh, the core transfer!" he remembered happily.
Chell dug a Staples Easy Button out of a pile of junk.
"IT'S THE STALEMATE BUTTON!" The former AIs yelled, pointing at it dramatically.
"That was easy," the button commented when Chell pressed it.
And thus the core transfer began.
To do this, Glados and Wheatley had to do the fusion dance. If you don't know what that is, just look up something like 'cosplay fusion dance' on YouTube or something.
"FUUU… SION… HA!" Glados and Wheatley suddenly switched places.
(A few minutes of not-so-idle talking later)
"I… AM NOT… A SPARKELING… VAMPIRE!" Wheatley yelled, much to the confusion of everyone else in the room, while he pushed Glados and Chell into a random hole that appeared in the ground.
…
Glados and Chell stumbled out of a broom closet, knocking several cleaning supplies over in the process, into a concrete room that apparently simulated Lower Aperture.
They took a few steps forward when Rick, dressed up as a ninja, jumped in front of them.
"I-AM-A NINJA!" he proclaimed, doing a bunch of martial arts moves, "I-AM-HERE-TO-TELL-YOU-THAT-DUE-TO-TIME-RESTRAINTS-YOU-WILL-BE SENT-BACK-UP IMMEDIATLEY!"
He then leapt in a random direction and disappeared as an elevator on the other side of the room opened.
They took a few more steps toward the elevator when they were stopped yet again, this time by Space.
"Hi, I'm a Pokémon!" Space claimed happily.
"Okaaaaay," Glados commented, walking around him.
"Catch me! Catch me! Gotta catch 'em all! SPACE!" Space yelped, jumping in circles around Chell. She just patted him on the head. "Yay, I'm caught! I'm a Pokémon!"
Space followed them into the elevator and they went back up.
…
"I have an idea on how to kill Wheatley," Glados said as the left the elevator.
"Oh, do tell!" Chell pressed excitedly.
However, they were interrupted when they encountered Anger, who had a cube taped to his back.
"Hey, look, it's a Pokémon!" Space said happily, jumping up and down.
"I'm not a Pokémon! I'm a Frakenturret!" Anger proclaimed.
"Frankenturret? Aren't you a humanized core with a cube stuck on your back?" Chell questioned, "Shouldn't you be a Frankencore?"
"Are you discriminating against Frakenturrets just because we're not turrets or cubes? I shall fight you!" Anger yelled, striking a fighting pose.
"Go, Space!" Glados ordered.
"SPAAAAAACE!" Space yelled, springing into action.
Unknown Voice: Wild Frankenturret appeared! Go, Space! Wild Frankenturret used Rapid Spin!
Anger spun around clumsily and bumped into Space.
Unknown Voice: Space used Tackle!
Space charged Anger and tackled him.
Unknown Voice: Wild Frankenturret fainted! Space gained Pi experience points! Space leveled up!
Afterwards, Chell, Glados, and Space continued down the hallway towards The Room Full of Crap where Wheatley was.
…
(Meanwhile)
Wheatley paced in his new lair.
"It's like there's something that's hardwired into this mainframe," Wheatley pondered, before looking down at his human self. "Err, hardwired into the mainframe that I'm figuratively hooked up to. It makes want to just… constantly… emo in the corner."
And he did just that while Glados and Chell were in Lower Aperture. Figuratively in Lower Aperture.
…
"Well, well, well, welcome TO MY LAIR!" Wheatley said dramatically when Glados and Chell walked into The Room Full of Crap.
"Alright, Glados, what's your plan on killing him?" Chell asked.
"This," Glados said menacingly, pulling out a Wii remote. She pressed a button on it and a song began to play.
"The seaweed is always greener
In somebody else's lake
You dream about going up there
But that is a big mistake
Just look at the world around you
Right here on the ocean floor
Such wonderful things surround you
What more is you lookin' for?
Under the sea!
Under the sea!"
Everyone began to writhe on the floor in agony.
"AAAAGH!" Wheatley screamed, "TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OOOFF!"
"GLADOS! IT'S KILLING ALL OF US!" Chell cried desperately, "TURN IT OFF!"
Glados managed to take her hands off her ears for a moment to press another button on the remote.
The music stopped, and there was a moment of relief before another song started playing.
"Do you like waffles?
Yeah, we like waffles!
Do you like pancakes?
Yeah, we like pancakes!
Do you like French toast?
Yeah, we like French toast!
Do, dodo doo, can't wait to get a mouth full, WAFFLES!"
Once again everyone was writhing on the floor begging Glados to turn it off.
"Okay, so my plan didn't work," Glados commented once everyone had recovered.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Wheatley laughed maniacally, "So, how do you plan on fighting me now? You don't even have a portal gun!"
"Crap, how can we go through an entire Portal 2 spoof without a portal gun?" Chell wondered exasperatedly, "Wait, I have an idea!"
She jumped over several piles of junk and grabbed two nerf swords and a nerf gun. She threw the swords to Glados and Wheatley.
"Brilliant! Now we can have an epic battle!" Wheatley said cheerfully, swinging his sword.
"With completely harmless weapons," Glados noted, eyeing the foamy stuff that made up her sword.
"I just realized that there's a trampoline in this room…" Chell commented distractedly. There was, in fact, a trampoline in the corner.
Video game battle music of your choice began to play.
They proceeded to have their epic battle while bouncing on the trampoline. Wheatley and Glados sword fought in the middle while Chell bounced around them, shooting Wheatley with her gun. The other cores wandered in with popcorn and sat down to watch.
Eventually, Wheatley fell down in defeat. A moment later he got up, jumped off the trampoline, and ran to the door yelling, "TO SPACE!" with Space following him.
He fell down in the doorway with his legs and feet still sticking into the room. Space jumped excitedly around him, asking about space. Chell and Glados walked over to them.
"I'm not sure what we did," Chell said, poking Wheatley with her nerf gun, "But I think he's dead."
"Indeed," Glados replied.
Wheatley stood up again, and all three of them turned to the watching cores and took a bow. The cores clapped and cheered until a certain AI interrupted them.
"That was the most insulting and overall stupidest thing I have ever seen," GLaDOS informed them darkly, clearly not amused.