Sirius Implications, Chapter Eleven: Time to say Goodbye
Sirius and Remus' goodbye a few days later had been a bit awkward but, considering all
that had gone before, much better than either of them expected. There was the expected
awkward silence, and the shifting from foot to foot for a moment. Finally, they has spoken nearly
simultaneously saying generic words of goodbye neither could remember an hour later and
clapping one another hard on the shoulder.
Hope and Remus' goodbye was... more difficult. Both felt the attraction they shared but
both had things they had to do; including saying goodbye. For now. Again there had been
silence; this one filled not with awkwardness but with longing, hope, and regret. Hope could feel
a longing ache coming from Remus much as though it was coming from herself. She had taken
Remus' hands and stared down at them willing herself to regain control when she heard a small
gasp. Her eyes flew to his.
"I think I felt you." Remus said.
Hope cursed Roanoke, Hogwarts, the Atlantic Ocean and everything else she could think
of that sought to separate them as she lifted her face to his for one last kiss.
Hope supposed it was easier not to think of the Werewolf as each day passed and turned
to weeks and then to more than two months. Truth be told, it felt like more than ten weeks or so.
Sirius had opened up considerably after his "flashback" and, to his credit had worked like... well,
frankly, like a dog in his time with Hope... the isolation from his Godson, friend, and country seemed only to fuel his desire to dig into what was separating him from them. The lack of any word from his best friend, Godson, or anyone else intensified the isolation and made the consequences of Sirius' actions come home to him even more powerfully.
They'd spent the last several weeks dealing with the pain, fear, and isolation he'd felt in
Azkaban. She'd been right about Sirius, he was resilient, amazingly so. The work around
Azkaban had built up a great deal of trust between them and showed Hope Sirius' mettle. It had
also brought them around, again, to the issue of his godson, Harry. That blasted shrieking shack...it all seemed to begin and end and begin again there. The shack seemed to exert a strange power over her patient and his peers... it seemed to draw them all in only to tear them apart.
Harry was the reason Sirius had escaped Azkaban, Harry had brought him his first taste of
joy in twelve years the night they all met in the shrieking shack. But speaking of this led to
speaking of Remus and of Snape. His vitriol for the Potions Master had not abated one bit. But,
before he was ready to deal with the issue of Snape there was something else he needed to face...
there was a wall that needed to be knocked down.
Sirius and Remus hadn't gotten a chance to "go into things" before Remus returned with
Bill Weasley to England. But Remus had, at Hope's request, left her with a letter to Sirius: a very heartfelt and emotionally wrenching account of "the prank" from his perspective. Hope had put it carefullyaway, waiting for the opportune time to share it with Sirius.
Hope weighed the letter in her hands as she sat facing the animagus. It was time.
The Healer watched the emotions chase across Sirius' face as he read the letter in his
trembling hands. Dread first then fear. There was a great deal of wincing and a growing dismay.
As the animagus drew near to the end of the missive he drew his breath in and stared for a time at
a single spot on the parchment. Finally his eyes began to move again even as tears began to slip
out.
"He can't," Sirius finally choked out
"He can't what?"
"He can't... think that I wanted to send him to Azkaban or see... see him killed?" The
horror and disbelief in Sirius voice were strong as he looked up from the pages.
"Sirius, I think it might help you to finish the letter..."
His hands gripped the pages convulsively and fear took precedence over the other
emotions colouring his features as he stared at the Healer sitting across from him. He swallowed
hard several times but did not drop his eyes to the pages. Finally he lowered his gaze to the floor
and whispered, hoarsely, "I can't"
Gently, Hope reached out and slipped the pages from his grasp and turned to the last page
and began to read aloud,
"Sirius, I don't understand much about that night. I don't understand why you did it
though I've tried hard over the years to figure that out. For a time it was just easier to think there
was no particular reason other than you weren't the person I thought you were. When you came
back to us I discovered that you were the man I had called my friend. But that only made things
harder as I was forced to try and figure out why my friend would do such a thing... not just to
Severus, but to me. Why would my friend so carelessly mark me for Azkaban or, more likely,
death?
"Then I realized that you hadn't done that. You didn't plan to put me in that position. I
suspect the truth is that you didn't think. That's the trouble, old friend: you don't think. You
charge ahead and act on your opinions and feelings never dreaming the destruction that doing so
might cause. I know you didn't mean to put me in the position you did. But would not having
meant it have fixed things if Albus hadn't intervened to cover up your crimes? If I had been
"destroyed" by the Committee would your not having meant it bring me back to life?
"gods, Siri, I know you have a good and decent soul ...maybe that's why what you did so
long ago and what you've done this past year hurts so much. I have been angry... I suppose I still
am. But I also want you to find some healing. Please, Sirius, please... even if you never explain
them to me, please try to figure these things out for yourself before it's too late. -Mooney"
Silence reigned in the office for several moments as Sirius absorbed the words Hope had
read to him. He was fighting with conflicting emotions... this was clear.
"Ohgodsohgodsohgods!"
Suddenly his hands were over his face and the animagus was falling out of his chair to the
floor hyperventilating and sobbing. Hope knelt beside him and grasped his shoulders, pulling his
head into her lap and letting him cry and wail. There was a lot of grief in this outburst... both old
and new. He needed to weep. She would wait it out.
The sessions following the sharing of "The Letter" were grueling. The fact that Sirius
began to have nightmares about The Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures hunting
down Remus didn't help.
"I saw the executioner last night, in my dream" Sirius confessed one chilly morning.
"What did the executioner look like?"
A pause. "It was Snape."
Well. The man's psyche was going to move through his issues full speed ahead, wasn't it?
"Any idea why it would be Snape?"
The Animagus began clenching and unclenching his hands in his lap, struggling to answer.
Finally, he spoke, "I, I... don't really know. Well, no, that's not it. I don't think I know the real
reason. I know the basic reason but not the real one."
"What's the basic reason?"
He bit his lip. "He's an evil bastard."
"Ah. That's pretty much how you've always seen Severus Snape isn't it?"
Sirius nodded.
"Well, from what I hear Professor Snape doesn't go to much trouble to correct that notion
so it's probably pretty easy to think of him that way."
Sirius looked up with a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" expression. Hope decided to
let the shoe go.
"Let me ask you this, Sirius. Albus Dumbledore: is he evil?"
"No, but-"
Hope held up her hand. "Hang on, we'll get to buts later. Now, Remus: is he evil?"
A smirk crossed Sirius face before he answered, "You don't think so, I'll wager."
It took everything Hope had NOT to blush but she was on the trail now and not willing to
be distracted. "I want to know what YOU think, Sirius."
"No, of course not, gods!"
"And Harry, your Godson?"
An expression of pain crossed the Animagus' face as he answered, hoarsely, "No, not
Harry."
"Three good people, different ages, different perspectives, none of them fools, would you
agree?"
The animagus nodded.
"Do they think Snape is evil?"
A grimace. "No, but- but Snape's got them under some kind of influence or spell!"
"ALL of them?"
"I suppose"
"Even Dumbledore?"
"He's the worst!"
Hope took a breath and spoke words with all the gentleness she could muster, "But is
Albus Dumbledore a fool? Is he weak enough to be spelled by a wizard well over a hundred years
younger? And if Snape were truly evil and working for the darkness and not the light AND he had
Dumbledore somehow in his thrall do you think Voldemort would have been defeated fifteen
years ago... or even kept at bay for this last year?"
Sirius looked at her as she spoke his expression becoming more lost and confused by the
minute as his emotions fought with his good sense. He had hated Severus Snape since the age of
eleven and nursed those feelings of hatred through twelve years in Azkaban. They had more than
made themselves at home in him. But, as emotional and volatile as Sirius was, he was not dumb
and his mind was slowly accepting the truth. But would his heart come along with it?