Chapter 11 - Yo Quiero... [I want...]

Wherein actions are questioned.

Confrontations are met.

And hopes are crushed.

-o-

Nel rubbed at her eyes gently as she sat up into a more comfortable position. She called out to her guardian once more, expecting he didn't hear her the first time she called his name. "Gwimm?" She thought she'd heard Ichigo's voice as well, but she must have been mistaken or dreaming because there was only her and Grimmjow in the room at the moment. She looked around a little dazedly, wiping the sleep out of her eyes before looking up at the blue haired male.

"Gwimm, Nel's tired of drawing." She frowned when he didn't respond and poked him in the rib. "Gwimm?"

That got the hollows attention and he swung his head around to glare at Nel before his expression softened at her pout. "Alright, chibi, then go to sleep." He chuckled slightly as her face scrunched up in displeasure.

"Nel doesn't wanna sleep." She moped before yawning again. Grimmjow shook his head in amusement, giving the young girl a crooked smile before hoisting her up by the waist with one arm. Luckily Yuzu arrived shortly after to retrieve the girl before Grimmjow was forced to toss Nel blindly into the other room, hoping she'd land on one of the beds. He thanked the youngest Kurosaki child and scratched at the back of his head, watching absently as the door closed itself.

He hated to ignore Nel and treat her so, but his mind was understandably preoccupied at the moment. He resolved to make it up to her later, but knew that she would most likely forget about it due to the lethargic state which she was in. His thoughts moved away from the small child and back to his roommate.

Ichigo would probably wait until he thought he was asleep to enter the room again, if he planned on coming back at all. Grimmjow considered waving it off and pretending like nothing happened when he did, but he couldn't. He didn't want to. He was tired of casting everything aside and putting things on the 'not worth my time' list. This was… something. This was bigger. This was… more.

Grimmjow knew that the shinigami, on the other hand would probably want him to act like nothing occurred between them, but it did. There weren't many things in life the, Grimmjow felt, were worth pursuing, but this thing - whatever the hell you could call it – with Ichigo... it was something, something he couldn't explain easily. Up until this point he has had two relationships with people: hate and fear. People hated him and he hated others; and almost everyone who knew him, feared him. Before, there was no reason to question anything further. But now, with his new relationship with Nel and his new found feelings of whatever the hell humans would call them, he found that these connections between people, these so called 'emotions'… they weren't so bad, and he didn't see the harm in wanting to pursue them.

On the other hand, he knew if he approached Ichigo with these thoughts, the male was likely to blow a fuse. The biggest problem, Grimmjow concurred, was that, if the person whom these feelings are geared toward does not feel the same, then what the hell was he supposed to do then. He was pretty certain the orange haired soul reaper was more likely to punch him than kiss him again.

He did learn, in his time here, that results are never gained by standing idly by and watching the opportunity pass away. If it was left to Ichigo,, he wouldn't hold his breath in wait for Kurosaki to approach him first.

What had happened? How had that simple conversation turned so... wrong? When did it suddenly become okay to shove his tongue down Grimmjow's throat? Was that him? Did he really respond to Grimmjow, to his lips? He wanted to scream that it wasn't, to say that it was someone else, that he had been possessed by something, that it was Kon playing a cruel, cruel joke, that it was a dream; a nightmare. He wanted it to be a dream, he wanted to wake up into a world that wasn't so horrible; one where arrancar didn't exist and hollow were the things you read about in books or the stories your parents tell you at night to keep you in line. Ichigo wanted to be ignorant, like he used to be, before Rukia, before shinigami… He would have accepted anything other than the truth.

However, it was plain as day, and the past, unfortunately could not be reversed, no matter how much he hoped and wished that it could. He had kissed Grimmjow. Grimmjow. The fact was incredible, invigorating, yet disturbing. What the hell is wrong with me?

But he wasn't the only one to blame, Grimmjow was the one who pulled him close, he had initiated the kiss. It was all Grimmjow's fault. Why did he have to do that? Did he get some kind of sick pleasure from seeing him flustered and confused? If so, then Grimmjow was a completely different sadist than what he first perceived. What was going through Grimmjow's head when he did that, Ichigo wondered. Did he enjoy it? It doesn't matter, Ichigo thought. I didn't enjoy it.

Lies.

But you responded. You could have just pushed him away, before Nel woke up. You wanted it. Deep down, you wanted it. Ichigo didn't want to believe his thoughts; he wanted them to shut up, stay locked away inside his head, but had no such luck. They screamed at him over and over again: You wanted it. You want him. But they were wrong, he didn't want Grimmjow, he could barely even stand to look at the arrancar. He was just confused, his mind had been working too hard these past few days; thinking too much. He needed a break, he needed an escape.

The substitute cradled his head in his hands as he sat down on the couch. How he wished his badge would sound, alert him that a hollow was near. He wanted, no, needed a reason to get away from his house, to get away from Grimmjow. He would go to Urahara tomorrow and discuss the arrancar living somewhere else because he didn't think he could do it anymore. This was too much, promise or no promise; he was done.

Are you scared? The voice made itself known, taunted and Ichigo willed it to go away. He filled his mind with other thoughts; but the voice in his mind was too strong, too clear. You're scared. It wasn't a question; it was a horribly mocking statement. Ichigo squared his jaw before thinking.

I'm not scared. It's time for him to go.

You're chicken. The voice snickered softly and Ichigo could almost see the grin on the other's face. You see him, you see what he was, what he is and it terrifies you.

No it doesn't.

There was a short contemplative silence before the voice responded teasingly. Mmm… I think it does. You think the same is in store for you? You still afraid to lose control? Is that it?

No. The shinigami felt like he was being tested.

The voice paused again, waiting. Ichigo held his breath, hoping it was over. Since the end of the war, his other half hadn't made itself known; he wondered what brought about this change. Since he defeated his hollow and Zangetsu's merged form, didn't that mean he was rid of the thing? Wasn't he the stronger of the two? He was under the belief that this conflict was gone forever, but good things don't last.

In his moment of observation, Ichigo felt his hollow searching his brain, reading his thoughts. He didn't like the way it felt, it was horribly intimate. His mind should be a place where he should be allowed to dwell on his own, regardless of the inhabitants within him.

Gods, now I sound as crazy as I feel. He laughed at himself.

I told you I hate the rain.

The unbidden statement caught the redhead off guard and he sounded his confusion with a soft 'huh?'

You know, I was ready to let you win. I was gonna call it even for now. Even when the sky got a little cloudy, even if it rained, as long as it didn't go on for too long, I was gonna let you control your life. I thought you could handle it, Aibou. I thought you finally managed to live up to that name. You know how long it's been pouring in here?

In all honesty, Ichigo couldn't answer that question even if he wanted to. He didn't know how long his emotions had been so fucked up. It all started with Inoue… Inoue…

Yeah, ever since that girl, it's been hell. Now that guy… you just can't make up your mind, can you? You really are blind as you are stupid, aren't you, Aibou?

I don't have to take this shit from you. I can deal with my problems on my own. Watch, once Grimmjow is gone, things will get better, you'll see. Ichigo had full belief in that, once Grimmjow was out of his hair, things would be a lot less complicated on his part.

The hollow part of him sighed pessimistically. That's not what I mean. The redhead felt the tingle of something digging around in his subconscious for a moment before he heard an almost triumphant gasp. Ah… you don't trust yourself with him? That's what it is. That's the real reason you can't stand him. You fear you're too much alike.

The precision of that statement caused the substitute shinigami to panic slightly. … Be quiet, he hissed, no longer interested in this game. But the voice continued, stubbornly.

That one kiss helped knock down some of those stone walls you built for yourself. The inhibition… when your lips met… you're afraid of what else he might lead you to do… hmm?

Shut up.

You're afraid you'd like it too much. It's not like with Inoue…

I said shut up, stupid hollow.

The voice chuckled but otherwise stayed quiet for the time being, which Ichigo was grateful for. He was stressed enough as it is and he didn't need stupid meddling hollows causing more of that tension to build. He needed a break, seriously.

Ichigo finished the inner dialogue with himself just as he heard heavy footsteps descending on the stairs. At first he thought them to belong to his father, but the old man was still attending a few patients within the clinic. Ichigo's heart nearly dropped into his stomach when he realized it was Grimmjow coming down the stairs.

He had planned to get away; he thought he had made that clear. Didn't him running out of the room prove that he didn't want to see the arrancar? That he needed time? That he had to think. He just wanted some space, away from Grimmjow, away from his feelings, away from the voice in his head; away from everything. Apparently it was too much to ask because the hollow bypassed the kitchen area and walked right into the living room, his target the shock of orange hair and its owner sitting on the sofa.

Ichigo sighed and considered using shunpo to make a quick escape, but he remembered that, like the shinigami's shunpo, and the Quincy hirenkyaku, Espada had sonido. He wasn't really sure whose was faster or if he could use it in his human form and Ichigo wasn't very willing to stumble around in the dark to figure out either. So he allowed the ex-espada to come to a halt in front of him, he chose not to look up at Grimmjow, however and hoped that if he ignored the male long enough he would go away.

"Ichigo… we have to… talk."

The shinigami wanted to be surprised, wanted to make some snappish comment that would insult the arrancar in one way or another. 'Heh, you can talk? Why not take out your sword and chop away at the problem, or better yet transform into your release state and slash it with your claws.' He wanted to say that, he thought about it but instead he silently wished Grimmjow hadn't stumbled upon whatever personal epiphany he'd overcome that turned him into a rational almost human being. He wished the man would hit him: it would make him feel less confused and at least with fighting he wouldn't have to think so much.

Grimmjow waited for the teen's response. When none came, he sighed, frustrated and folded his arms over his broad chest. "I got all night, just so you know."

"I don't feel like talking right now."

"Well I do, so you better say something before I lose my patience." The blue haired male all but growled and Ichigo rolled his eyes before looking up at the man irately.

"What the hell do you expect ME to say? I'm not the one sexually assaulting people as he pleases."

"Grow up, Kurosaki." That statement earned him a scoff and the averting of angry brown eyes into a different direction. Grimmjow took this chance to study the teen's profile and ponder on the extraordinary urge to kiss the scrunched up bridge of Kurosaki's nose and punch him in it at the same time. "You know, it might be tough to consider in that stupid brain of yours but I'm as weirded out by this as you are."

"Che… yeah… right." Even if the male sounded sincere, Ichigo didn't believe he was remorseful for what happened either. Grimmjow's next statement would prove his silent deduction correct, however.

"Believe me or don't," he sighed and switched his weight from one foot to the other. "I don't care." Ichigo made a belligerent face, much in the same fashion of an obstinate child. "I'm not sorry for what I did."

The shinigami scoffed again and continued in an annoyed tone. "I don't expect you to be. You think you can do whatever you want and just because you're fucking Grimmjow Jeaggerjaques, everyone is supposed to forgive you for it. Well guess what, Grimmjow, I'm not afraid of you and I'm not scared to kick your ass next time you try some weird shit like that again."

"Are you done, Kurosaki?" He sounded bored, a fact which pissed the Kurosaki off even more.

"See! There's no point in even discussing it with you! You don't even look repentant for pissing me off."

"I said I wasn't. I'm not going to apologize for doing nothing wrong."

"Keh, you're so full of shit, Grimmjow."

The arrancar stared down at the shinigami for a moment, contemplating his next words carefully. He didn't like the way the teen was putting the whole blame on him. Yes, he had been the one to initiate the kiss, only because it seemed to be the right thing at the time. He thought Ichigo felt the same way; he would almost believe that was certain considering... "You're making all this fuss about me kissing you but you're the one who kissed me back."

"I-… I-I was c-confused. That wasn't the reaction I meant to give." Ichigo stumbled; face turning an appealing shade of red.

"Right."

"The hell did you come down here for, other than to piss me off further?"

"I don't even fucking know. Jeez, Kurosaki… you-…. Forget it. Just fucking forget it." He stormed back up the stairs, forgetting to deal with the issue at hand. He did say that Ichigo was difficult and pursuing this matter wasn't going to be easy, but in order to reap the proper results, one needs determination.

Ichigo had slept downstairs on the couch, endured the confused stares of his father and sisters that morning and even wandered around town for half the day in his day old clothes before ending up at the graveyard instinctively. He came here for peace, for quiet. He didn't remember how the blue haired hollow had found him the last time, but he had hoped the male wouldn't remember the way here. He was a fool for thinking that.

Ichigo's head turned towards the other male, expecting him to say something, anything, but Grimmjow just stared at him, face passive.

"Why the hell are you here?" he grunted angrily. He didn't need this; he didn't need to see Grimmjow right now. "How did you guess I was going to be here?" Ichigo bet he got the information from his father. Stupid old man, always analyzing me, always in my business...

"I didn't have to guess."

"What do you mean? Did goat-chin tell you? I told that old cod to stay out of my business."

"Are you done?"

"Why? What do you want? I'm in a bad mood."

"You seem to always be in a bad mood."

"I wonder who I have to thank for it."

"I don't see what I did that was so bad that you have to be in a piss poor mood 24/7. You should really learn to let things go, Ichigo."

"No, I want to hold on to this grudge."

"Why? What is it about me that irks you so much? No one could be as intolerable as you make me out to be."

"You must not know yourself very well."

"Lately… no, I don't know myself at all." He replied, somewhat shocked by his blatant honesty, "The shit you say to me, and the things you do… I've killed people for less. Both humans and hollow, I've hated tones of 'em for the simplest shit. Bumping into me on accident, looking at me the wrong way, saying stuff under their breath that I thought was about me but really wasn't. You know… petty crap." H paused, seeing Ichigo's passive face.

"But…" Grimmjow continued after a moment. "…you make me feel like shit every fucking day of the week and… I can't seem to hate you. At least hate you enough to kill you. You make me angry; you make me wanna… wanna bust up buildings, throw shit… break stuff. I wanna fucking punch the shit out of you…" He found it fascinating that even as he said the words, even as he felt that way at that very moment, he still wanted to grab the teen and kiss the life out of him as well. All of these emotions were conflicting, it was irritating.

Ichigo considered his words, he hadn't known he had such a dynamic effect on the arrancar. The things he said and did was a natural reaction to Grimmjows presence. In all honesty, he didn't know any other way to act around the male; they had been enemies for so long, it was difficult for him to see the neutral ground between them.

"So how's that different than before…?"

Grimmjow sighed; it was too troublesome to explain. "So whose grave is this anyway?" Grimmjow tilted his head towards the shinigami. Ichigo contemplated not answering the espada but with one look at the head stone he had been standing in front of, it wouldn't take the other more than a guess to determine whose grave it was.

This place was familiar to the arrancar and he wouldn't have had to ask the teen whose grave it was if he had been paying attention the first time he came here. That time he had only taken a passing glance at the stone, the words not really registering in his mind.

"My mothers." Ichigo said quietly.

With a look that the teen couldn't place, Grimmjow slowly turned his head to look down at the grave. He scrutinized it for a second before commenting, "Huh, and here I thought her bones were buried in the walls of your house. Isshin isn't as crazy as he looks."

Ichigo frowned, "Now wait-"

Grimmjow smiled at the soul reaper, an action that Ichigo wasn't quite ready for and caused the boy to pause, flustered. The blue haired arrancar bent his knees to kneel down in front of the memorial. "Kurosaki Masaki, huh? Your son's an idiot, so is his father." Ichigo was ruffled by the statement but didn't let it show, he just scowled at the back of Grimmjow's head. Grimmjow continued to talk to the unresponsive stone, "You're pretty lucky to not have to deal with them."

Ichigo was going to ask where Grimmjow was going with this, was going to say it was useless insulting him in front of a stone, but as the man kept talking, his conviction softened and he wondered, really thought what was going through the male's mind.

"I'm Grimmjow, by the way," he said casually, and with a familiarity as if he was speaking to someone he had been talking to for hours. "I kicked your son's ass a couple of times, but it didn't seem to knock any common sense into him. Sorry about that. He did manage to beat some brains into me, though. I'm kinda a different person thanks to him. Just don't tell him that."

Ichigo smiled but quickly realized that he was and frowned again.

Grimmjow chuckled slightly, "But seriously, he's not too bad. You did good while you were here and Isshin… he's not doing a bad job either. It's a good thing the girls didn't turn out like their brother though. Yuzu looks a lot like you; Karin would kick my ass if I told her she looked like Isshin… You've got a pretty okay family…"

The conversation continued like that for many more minutes until Grimmjow stopped speaking, he didn't feel like talking anymore and there was nothing else he felt the need to say. In his new found silence he just stared at the stone contemplatively.

"Grimmjow?" Ichigo had witnessed the entire conversation, though it had been one-sided, it had been genuine and congenial. He didn't know Grimmjow could be so... endearing.

The male crouching on the ground stood, "What?"

"Why would you do that? You don't have to… I mean… you…" What did he mean? This was too much, too soon. Ichigo felt like he was getting comfortable with the arrancar and it was a bad idea, wasn't it?

There was a time when his mind would have screamed yes, when he would have pushed himself away and out of this situation. His mind would have told him that Grimmjow was a bad person, that he was faking, insincere. But this was honesty, like he had never seen before. Ichigo had gotten over that prejudice... he accepted Grimmjow, his feelings, everything. And yet he accepted nothing.

"Maybe I wanted to." Grimmjow said curiously, a little too curiously for the substitute shinigami's confusion.

"Why?"

"Fucking Christ, Ichigo, why is it always 'why' with you? Just accept that I want to do it." He snapped, but the statement lacked conviction.

Ichigo nodded, and then shook his head, contradicting himself, "It's just weird, seeing you like this."

"Don't remind me."

There was a pause in the conversation, but it wasn't an awkward one. Grimmjow stared at the scenery, at the haunting site of headstones and offerings of flowers and incents. He breathed in and the air smelled like a mix of rain, dirt and spices. It was peaceful here, but then it was supposed to be, wasn't it. Ichigo stared at the dirt on his shoes, unable to voice his next question.

"About yesterday…" He started and then stopped, considering not continuing. It was embarrassing; his cheeks tingled with the first signs of a flush.

"What about it?" Grimmjow asked absently, watching the nearby gray swirl of incense smoke drift into the air before bringing his attention back to the orange haired shinigami. He wondered what the male had wanted to say before his mind clicked into action. He inclined his head in understanding. " … You mean that kiss?" Surprising enough, Ichigo was the first to bring up the subject.

Dark orange brows furled. "Why did you- I mean," He noticed how often the word why had been integrated into his vocabulary lately, so he reconstructed his question. "... You must have had a reason to… to…" To kiss me. But he couldn't bring himself to say the words, it was just too weird.

Grimmjow sighed, ruffling his hair with his fingers. He had been thinking about that kiss as well. Why he did it, when had he ever thought of doing it. Why with Ichigo? Every time his mind attempted to make sense of his actions it would stop caring and ponder about different aspects of the kiss such as how the shinigami's lips felt against his and why it was Ichigo that deepened the kiss instead of him.

"What the hell can I say?" he asked out loud. "I don't know… it just felt right." It was funny how it happened, he didn't plan it, things just... fell into place and his lips were on Kurosaki's. Turning his attention back onto the teen in front of him he stepped forward, closing the short distance between them. "I didn't know how long I've wanted to do that until I finally did it." He stopped just in front of the shinigami and placed his forehead on that of the younger male. "… I still want to…"

Ichigo took a shuddering breath. "How long have you f-felt like this."

"Not sure."

"Aren't you a little concerned…?"

"Why should I be?"

"It's just… Why now? Why do you care so much now?"

"Don't know."

"You can't just expect me to-"

"Shut up, Kurosaki," he interrupted, placing his mouth over Ichigo's and bringing all of the nagging, uncertain questions to a halt.