Chapter Warnings: The first half of this chapter is significantly more M-rated than the rest of the story so far. In case anyone is worried about that. :)

Proposition 8 in California was reversed this week! Yay! I celebrate by writing slash! :)

Chapter Eleven – You See Me

Harry and Ron didn't make a full night of it. They made it home only a little after Ron's Hermione-imposed curfew and he was only slightly more inebriated than she generally preferred, meaning that they only had a five minute lecture on how disappointed she was. After that Harry returned home and fell gracelessly into bed.

At about three a.m. he was awaken by movement next to him in the bed and he sat up quickly. Just as he did, a hand fell on his shoulder, pushing him back down. Draco? The man shushed him and then climbed on top of him. It was definitely Draco and the alcohol on his breath was strong.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I was planning on fucking you."

Harry's brain was still foggy from the alcohol, but he distinctly remembered not bringing Draco home with him. "I thought you went out with Ben tonight."

"I did."

Draco leaned in for a kiss, but Harry pushed him back. "Unbelievable. You go from his bed to mine within hours?"

"If you don't want sex then just tell me."

"I want sex. I just think it's a little off to go through men as fast as you do breath mints. Don't you think that's just a little… dirty?"

Draco pulled back from him. "I think I'm insulted for me and for Ben. You don't think I'm careful? I may be a slut, but Ben and I both know how to play safe."

"It's not that." And it wasn't mostly. With the exception of HIV, muggle STD's were quite curable with potions. Harry had always been very careful about using magical and muggle protections and he did not fear that he was going to catch any disease. "This isn't about condoms or anything of the sort. This is about the fact you're here, mauling me an hour after you had your cock up his arse."

"So now I want it up your arse. What's the problem?"

"What's the….? Where do I begin? I can still smell his cologne on you."

Draco climbed off the bed and reached to find his discarded jacket and shirt. "I knew you wouldn't be able to handle this. I knew the second you had me you would claim ownership and start telling me how to live."

Harry reached for his wand on the nightstand and turned the light on. "This is not about exclusivity. If Ron wasn't with me tonight I may very well have brought someone home myself. But I wouldn't have gone to your house begging for sex right after."

"You weren't going to bring anyone home because you were busy worrying about who I was with and if I'm going to get healed seeing your shrink."

"Actually I wasn't, but if we're going to start in on that angle then let's go ahead and talk about you. You must be thinking about me an awful lot if your normal fucks aren't good enough. You had to come running over here."

"Because I'm horny, Potter. Don't read anything more into that. This is who I am, who I've been for a long time. If you're just going to try to change me because we're sleeping together then forget it. I can find a better fuck with less baggage."

"But you're still going to end up back on my doorstep."

"Doubtful." Draco pulled his shirt on over his head. "You're not that good."

"That's not what you said the other night."

"Go find someone else to fix."

"I don't want to fix you. I want you to be happy."

"Well fucking multiple men in one night makes me happy. Very happy."

Harry stood to face Draco. "It gets you high. You need to be high to feel anything close to happy and it doesn't matter if it's adrenaline or crack as long as you don't have to deal with what you really feel."

"Yes, let's talk about feelings. You're as bad as a woman!"

"At least I know what I feel. I don't ooze sentiment, but I'm at least in touch with it. I don't bury it for twenty years and let it destroy me."

Draco laughed. "Yes, you're perfectly well-adjusted."

"No, but I know where I need to work on things in my life. I'm not hung up on a dead boy I fucked twenty years ago."

"Now you're making this about Justin? Un-fucking-believable! This has nothing to do with him." Draco threw his jacket across the room for emphasis.

"It has everything to do with him! And Astoria and your father and Scorpius. It has to do with you and your inability to take responsibility for your own life."

"I take responsibility, Potter."

"You do not. You piss and moan about Astoria or your mother stopping you from seeing your son, but you don't do anything to fight them. You still stand at a dead man's grave two decades later because you can't accept what happened. And you fuck everyone because it's less painful than actually feeling something for them!"

"I don't need to feel anything for them!"

Harry continued on as if Draco hadn't spoken. "And that's why you're here, why you keep coming back, why you let yourself become my friend. You felt something. You feel something for me, but that scares the hell out of you, so you run off to Ben to prove that it's all just sex."

"It is just sex!"

"I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend or be exclusive, but at least admit that you feel something for me."

"I'm not admitting to your fanciful delusions!"

"Admit it!"

"No!"

Without really thinking about what he was doing, Harry took a step forward, grabbed Draco by the shoulders and kissed. Draco flinched, but then pushed back. At first Harry thought he was being pushed away, but he realized that Draco was coming with him. He was moving them roughly toward the bed. They broke the kiss as they tumbled down onto the mattress.

"Damn you, Potter," Draco mumbled.

"Shut up, Malfoy."

Draco bit down on Harry's bottom lip in response. He ran his hands over Harry's bare chest and neck before cupping his face with both hands and kissing again. It was hard, brutal. There was no tenderness in their interaction at all, only lust. He paused only briefly enough for Harry to pull his shirt off of him. Harry was only wearing a pair of cotton pajama bottoms, but Draco couldn't get them off fast enough. As soon as he was free of all clothing, Harry took charge again, flipping Draco onto his back. He knew, as he removed Draco's trousers, that he was giving Draco exactly what he had come there for to begin with. But it didn't matter anymore.

"Get on your knees, Malfoy," Harry growled.

Draco sat up and leaned in for another kiss. Harry returned it, but then roughly shoved him down on the bed so that he was on all fours with his arse in the air. Behind him, Draco heard Harry reach for the lube and a moment later he felt a cool, lube-coated finger at his back entrance. Impatient, as always, Draco pushed back on it.

"You're such a fucking slut, Malfoy."

"And you're fucking me, so what does that say about you?"

Harry slapped his arse hard, leaving an angry red mark on pale skin. Draco only groaned in response and pushed back on the finger inside him. Harry added a second finger, loving the soft grunt from Draco

"Such a slut," Harry muttered. He removed his fingers and quickly coated his cock in lube and before Draco had the chance to become impatient, Harry was inside him. Draco moaned as Harry began to slide out and then gasped as he thrust back into him. He grabbed a fistful of sheets and pillow, tightening his grip to the point of ripping the fabric. Harry had a similar grip on Draco's hip and reached a hand up to his shoulder, digging his fingernails into Draco's flesh.

"Fuck, Harry," Draco moaned. "Touch me."

Harry reached an arm around do as Draco requested, still keeping his other hand in a painful grasp on Draco's hip. He stroked Draco's cock in time with his thrusts. He was grunting half sentences, hardly knowing what he was saying anymore. He knew the words "slut" and "whore" had passed his lips, but anything beyond that was anyone's guess. Draco was gasping out profanities and threats, but when he came it was with Harry's name on his lips. Draco's muscles tightened around Harry's cock and Harry came a few moments later. After riding out his orgasm, Harry released Draco's hip and allowed them to fall down onto the bed. They lay there, catching their breath in silence. It didn't take long before they both fell asleep.

Draco had only dozed off for a couple hours, making it easy to get up before Harry and be out the door. He went home first, attempting to sleep there, but didn't have any luck with that. He showered and scowled at the angry, black bruise Harry had left on his hip. Though his initial reaction was annoyance, it quickly changed to arousal as he remembered the previous night. The sex had been amazing, but that argument before… Harry couldn't have actually been right about any of that, could he? Of course not. Even so, some of Harry's words had bruised worse than the mark on his hip.

Without really giving much thought to the fact that he didn't have an appointment, he marched straight to Healer Mader's office at the beginning of the day and verbally abused the secretary when she tried to stop him.

"You're an idiot," Draco announced as soon as he had sat down in front of the psychiatric healer.

"I don't believe we have anything scheduled today Mr. Malfoy."

Draco ignored him. "Why the hell did he bother sending me here if he already knew what was wrong with me?"

"Your friend?"

"He thinks he's gotten me all figured out. Well, I still think half of what he said was complete shit. He says I have feelings for him."

"Do you?"

"No. I want him."

"Why?"

"Why does anyone want anyone else?"

"Looks, sexual ability, money, personality. I'm sure there are many others. Which is it?"

"He's good in bed."

Healer Mader nodded. "The best?"

"I… I don't know. I don't rate each one. He's… in the top ten, I'd say."

"But not the best, so it can't be just that. Looks?"

"He's good-looking. But no, not the most good-looking man I've been with."

"Money?"

"No."

"That leaves personality. Maybe there is something about who he is that makes you want him even more than others who may be more visually appealing or sexually satisfying. That sounds like having feelings for him."

Draco glared. "Aren't we clever?"

"You came to me, not the other way around. If you don't like what I say then come back when we actually have an appointment."

"I hate that I told him about Justin."

"That's your teenage lover?" he asked. Having not expected Draco today, he didn't have his notes in front of him.

Draco nodded. "He says I visit his grave so I don't have to actually care about anyone else."

"Interesting. Do you?" Draco shrugged. "How often do you visit the grave?"

"Once a week or so lately. Up until New Year's."

"For someone who has been dead since your school years? That's unusual."

"Har—my friend thought so too."

"I'd say he's right. After so long people usually only go on special occasions: anniversaries, birthdays."

"Well I didn't always. Just the past few years."

"What changed?"

"I knew that I couldn't be happy with Astoria, or likely with any woman."

"I see, so the trips to Justin's grave coincided with your recommitment to homosexuality."

"So to speak."

"I think your friend may be onto something. Do you maybe use your closeness to Justin to justify not getting close to other men?"

"I don't think so, but I'm sure you'll tell me how wrong I am."

Dr. Mader shrugged.

"I didn't think I was in love with Justin, you know. We never said that. There was never a commitment."

"But there were some feelings. And no doubt his sudden death amplified them. And maybe… your guilt for your part in his death." Draco looked up, glaring. "When you explained about the interrupted suicide attempt you indicated that you felt partially responsible for Justin."

"I was. It's only right I face that."

"But there's no one left to punish you for it so you punish yourself." Draco remained silent. "There comes a time, Draco, when you have to forgive yourself so you can move on."

"How do I do that?"

"Ask Justin to forgive you. And then let go."

"And then I'll be fixed?"

"No. But it would be an excellent start."

Within an hour of leaving Healer Mader's office Draco found himself at the cemetery, standing in front of Justin's grave. He hadn't come out there since Harry caught him on New Year's and a fresh blanket of snow had fallen since then. It was covering part of Justin's name and Draco brushed it away carefully with a gloved hand. When he thought of Justin it was hard not to remember the last time he saw the boy, but he hated that. He hated the shame and fear connected with it. He tried to remember the good times, the secret meetings at Hogwarts and that one short school year they had together…..

Draco arrived at the Astronomy Tower several minutes after curfew. It was the end of May and the night had remained unusually warm after sunset. He'd been so busy inside that he'd hardly noticed how nice the weather had turned. A part of him knew that he should be inside still trying to work things out, but he needed this break.

Justin was standing at the edge, looking out over the dark school grounds and turned around at Draco's entrance. He raised an eyebrow at Draco's appearance, hair mussed and out of breath.

"Where have you been? I thought I'd been stood up."

"I had to ditch Potter before I could get away."

"I thought he'd backed off after that whole bathroom incident."

"Well tonight he was feeling particularly nosey. Apparently his girlfriend let him off his leash."

"I wish you would just tell me what happened. I mean, I know you've never gotten on well, but for him to curse you like that…"

"I thought I made it clear we weren't going to talk about that." Draco moved closer and put his arms around Justin's neck.

"He got detention for the rest of the year. Clearly it was worth talking about."

"Not now," Draco murmured. He leaned in for a kiss that Justin returned eagerly. Any thoughts of Potter were immediately gone and replaced with raw lust. Draco quickly conjured cushions for the hard stone floor and continued the snogging session in a more comfortable position. Making love to Justin was just what the term suggested, Draco had discovered. He had never felt that way about Pansy or Astoria. They were just fucks, a way to pass time. With Justin he felt like he actually connected.

Afterward they lay sweaty and naked and stared up at the stars. Necessary spells had been cast to warn them if anyone should approach so they could relax and just be together. It was perhaps the only time that Draco could let himself fully relax. They'd been silent for several minutes and they weren't particularly close. They weren't big on cuddling, but Justin would often rest his head on Draco's outstretched arm.

"Why is Harry following you?"

Draco spared a brief glance to Justin and went back to the sky. "He thinks he's going to catch me doing something evil. He thinks if he follows me enough he'll have the answers to go to Dumbledore with."

"If he's so convinced why doesn't he just tell Dumbledore anyway?"

"He probably has. It would explain the increased annoyance that Snape has become."

"Snape?"

"He's been trying to counsel me. As if I'd trust him."

"And you think Dumbledore asked him to?"

"I think Snape has many reasons for wanting to fuck with me and I do not pretend to know all of them."

"And if Harry does catch you, what will he find?"

Draco turned his head finally to look fully at Justin. It physically hurt to have to hide everything, but it was the only way.

"Potter is not going to catch me. I'm smarter than he is."

Justin rolled over and propped his head up on his hand. With his free hand he traced the fresh scar on Draco's chest.

"They say that he cursed you because you tried to curse him first."

"That is true."

"There's a rumor that you were using an Unforgivable."

"Also true," Draco whispered.

"Why?"

"Because he was going to ruin everything."

"I wish you would tell me. I'm afraid that you're involved in something illegal or dangerous."

Draco took Justin's hand. "Just know that whatever I do it's because I have to." He brought Justin's hand to his mouth and kissed it lightly. "You don't have to worry about these things. Your family are muggles, they aren't involved."

"You're not really working for You-Know-Who, are you?" For the first time Justin sounded scared and Draco had to think carefully before answering.

"Anything I do is for survival. I work for no one."

"But the secrecy… all the stuff in the Room of Requirement…"

"All of that is what I have to do. If you can't trust that, then I understand. Things are… dangerous right now. We all have to look out for ourselves and our own. And if that means that you can't be around me, then I understand and I wouldn't hold that against you."

"You wouldn't hurt me." He was trying to sound confident, but the small sliver of doubt hurt Draco more than he could have thought.

"No. I would never hurt you."

"I trust you, Draco," he whispered.

They were silent for several more minutes while Draco went back to stargazing and Justin stroked his hair.

"Whatever it is, you should go to Dumbledore for help." Draco didn't answer. "He would help you, you know. Whatever is going on, whatever you've done, he would forgive it."

"He would be a fool to believe anything I said at this point."

"Maybe you should anyway. Just try."

"Why is this so important to you suddenly?"

"I just have a feeling… like it's going to end soon. This," he gestured between them, "is going to end. Isn't it?"

Draco pulled away and sat up. He knew that in all likelihood Justin was correct. He had been making progress on the vanishing cabinet and when it was completed he would have no excuse to wait longer. Maybe Dumbledore would believe him, or maybe he would have Draco arrested. Or maybe it wouldn't matter because his parents would be as good as dead anyway. No, he had to continue with the plan, even if it meant he would never see Hogwarts, or Justin, again.

"Yes, it will end."

"And you will be a Death Eater for real?" They both looked at the Mark on Draco's arm. It was amazing that Justin allowed himself to ignore it for so long. It was always the reminder between them of where Draco was from and why Justin would never be welcome there.

"I'll… do what I have to for survival."

"But you'll be one of them."

Draco could feel the tears betraying him, ready to spill down his cheeks. He closed his eyes, willing them away. How could he be one of them? How could he follow someone whose core principles meant death for Justin and all like him? But if he had to chose between Justin and his own parents' lives…

"I will never be one of them."

"You always wanted to be, didn't you?"

Draco looked back down at him, agonized. "I would never hurt you," he repeated.

"If you told me, I could help. I could try."

"There is no help for me now. I have chosen my fate."

Draco stared at the tombstone for a long time, remembering. His mind replayed the scene with Dumbledore a week later when he almost found his way out of the mess he'd made.

"Come over to the right side, Draco…you are not a killer…"

For one single second Draco had allowed himself to believe that there was a way to have both things he wanted. His family safe without betraying Justin? For that one moment, when he began to lower his wand, he could see a future for himself that was not filled with fear and self-hatred. In the next moment it was taken away from him again. And in the years since then, Draco had never left it behind him.

"Apparently my little visits are not healthy," he said quietly. He never talked to Justin at the grave. Once or twice maybe, but it wasn't a normal thing. "I've been seeing a therapist the past few weeks. He says that I should be over you by now. He says that I can't heal until I let go."

He knelt down, snow be damned. "I'm sorry, Justin. In all the years I've come here I couldn't say it. I couldn't take responsibility. Because you were right. I should have gone to Dumbledore. I should have told you everything, but I thought I was protecting you and myself. I thought it was the only way. I was so… scared. And I was so in love with you. And I was scared of being in love with you, you see? And I know it was just a school boy… thing, whatever you want to call it. It was first love and maybe we would hate each other now. Maybe it would have only lasted the school year and we would have moved on to someone else. Maybe, in the big picture, it would have meant nothing. But it does mean something because it was never finished. You died when I was still in love with you and because of that a little part of me went with you."

Draco was wiped angrily at the tears that he had not given permission to fall.

"And it's my fault. I should have fought for you. I should have been a better man, even then. I think you would understand. You would get that I did it for my family, right? All the lives that were lost because of me… I can't take it back, but I would if I could. And I'm sorry. I promised I would never hurt you, but I let them hurt you and that's the same thing. And even though I never said it, I loved you."

Draco didn't knock when he got to Harry's flat that night. It was nine and he found Harry sitting up reading in bed. Draco paused in the doorway, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

"You ran off quickly this morning."

Draco grunted in response.

"I think we need to talk about some things."

Another grunt and Draco was coming closer, taking off his outer layers of clothing along the way.

"What's wrong?"

When Draco reached the bed he sat down on the edge next to Harry and kissed him, throwing every bit of energy he had left into it. When Harry finally broke away, he found Draco staring at him, eyes scared and searching. They were red and though Harry first thought he'd been drinking, there was no scent of alcohol on him.

"You're not my boyfriend," Draco said finally. He'd made that abundantly clear in recent weeks, but sounded as if he really needed to say it. Whether he was convincing Harry or himself, Harry wasn't sure. "I'm still me and that means, at least now, that I'm not going to be anyone's boyfriend. I'm still going to sleep with whomever I want."

"I know."

"And I want you. I'm fucked up and broken, but I want you."

"Why?"

"Because. You see me. You have more reason to hate me than just about anyone, but instead you see me. Not the Mark, not my father, but me."

"I see you the same today as I did last night. What changed?"

Draco took a long time answering. He climbed fully onto the bed, straddling Harry's lap. He moved in closer, licking his lips and pausing with his mouth nearly on Harry's cheek. "I want to be happy."

Harry swallowed thickly as his hand moved up to stroke Draco's face. This was what he wanted Draco to say all along, yet he still had some misgivings. "You think I can make you happy?"

He stopped Harry's hand quite suddenly with his own and pulled back. Draco's grey eyes stared into Harry's green ones, making sure his message was not lost. "No. You said I had to take responsibility, didn't you? I won't let you do it. But maybe… you can be a part of it. You have your rules and I have mine, but I think that they can exist together. I want to make it work."

Harry kissed him, unsure of how else to respond. Draco welcomed the kiss, but soon ended it and laid down next to Harry, curling into him. Harry put his book away and turned out the light before settling down next to him. Draco allowed the exhaustion to take over and closed his eyes, for the first time falling asleep next to a man that he had not just had sex with.