I've been believing in something so distant as if I was human
And I've been denying this feeling of hopelessness. . .in me
All the promises I made just to let you down.
You believed in me, but I'm broken
I have nothing left and all I feel is this cruel wanting. . .
As much as I'd like the past not to exist it still does and as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here I'm just as scared as you. . .
Lost in Paradise, Evanescence
Depressed, I retreat into the dark bedroom. I curl up in bed, hugging the pillow next to me. It smelled of leather, bonfire, and apples, it smelled like Jake. I hear the front door close. Footsteps. I anticipate having to leave the bedroom, having to be forced to listen to Jake and Sherry again. Karma was a fickle bitch.
I hug the pillow tight and take a deep breath in, feeling like it maybe the last time I can breathe his scent in.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
He sits on the bed, placing his hand on my side.
I roll over to look at him.
"Where's Sherry," I ask.
"I sent her home."
His words repeat in my head. Why would he send her home? Was he choosing me over Sherry? It frustrated me that I could not understand Jake Muller. He lies down next to me and snatches my hand. He holds it in his, examining the scars. His callus feeling rough against the new skin.
Was this his excuse to hold my hand? He would send Sherry away, even though I might choose Chris? My thoughts were reeling. He would send her away despite all they've been through? What the hell am I going to do?
"Why are you doing this, Jake," my voice cracked.
"Chris can't take care of you," he starts.
"That's not what I mean."
I snatch my hand back.
He sighs.
"I am no good at this kinda stuff. If you want me to back off I will. Just say it."
My heart drops. What was he saying.
"I don't understand you," I whisper.
"Just fuckin' tell me so we can stop playin' this game!"
He sits up.
"I don't know," the words, like a ghost, form on my lips.
He sighs and throws himself back.
"I don't like waitin'."
I didn't know what to do. Do I go with Chris and become some science experiment, get cleared to be back on the field and risk getting captured, becoming the key ingredient to making another virus? Or do I stay here with Jake as a recluse, risk the fact of never seeing Chris again?
Do I run the risk of Jake getting bored with me and end up being abandoned, or worse have him sell me to the highest bidder? Would he send me away like he did Sherry when the next piece of ass walks in?
A heavy knock at the door echoes through the halls. Jake huffs.
"That's probably your gorilla."
"I'll get it," I say, getting up.
I take a deep breath and open the door. Chris smiles. My stomach flips.
"Hey, Cap," I say, making my voice sound tired.
"He let you answer the door," he asks, trying to look behind me.
I could have thought this through a little better. Chris was already suspicious, and I had no idea of what I was really doing.
"Yeah, he already knew it was you. Look, we had a long day of training and I am really tired. Can you come back tomorrow," I yawn.
Chris' smile fades. His eyes narrow.
"Uh yeah. Sure thing."
I shut the door before he goes in for a hug. Or ask anymore questions, for that matter. I turn my back against the door and slide down it. I feel my tears well up and I try choking them back. Chris is still on the other side of the door. If I would have let him hug me, I wouldn't let go, he wouldn't have let go.
Tears start to fall as I hear his footsteps go down the stairs. His car door opens and shuts. I imagine him sitting in his car his expression a mixture of confusion and sadness. He is thinking about what just happened, what could be happening.
His car starts.
"Could he be drifting away from me," he'll ask himself.
His car reverses.
"Did I loose him again? Did I loose him for good," he'll wonder.
The tires turn.
"Goodbye," he'll whisper into the fresh forest air.
He drives away.
"Goodbye, Chris."
I feel my heart break, and burry my face in my hands. Jake stands in the archway of the kitchen. I can no longer cry silently and let myself sob. My sadness now echoing through the halls. I feel a hand on my shoulder, and look up.
Jake doesn't have to say anything. He face a mixture of annoyance and sympathy. I wipe away the tears, careful not to snag my eye patch.
Jake pulls me up and helps me in the bed. He says nothing as he lies next to me, wrapping his arms around me.
His breathing calm, grazing my neck as he exhales. The rise and fall of his chest on my back. It felt so comforting, and I let myself let go. I cry so hard, I start to choke. Jake shushes me and starts to rock back and forth.
"Just breath," he says quietly.
I calm myself and breathe. My breathing still jagged, but I felt my fit coming to an end.
"You ok," he asks, turning me around so he can see my face.
I nod.
"Go wash your face with cold water."
I follow orders so well. I slowly take off the eye patch and examine my face, as the cold tap water runs. The scarring was ugly and the dead, ghostly white eye stared blindly back at me. Cupping my hands so water fills them, I bring the liquid to my face. It's freezing, but felt refreshing. I repeat the action until satisfied.
For some reason, I didn't go back to the bed room, instead going to the living room. Jake was putting his boots on. He looked up at me.
"Put your boots on," he says, tying the last bow.
I sit and put my boots on like told. When finished tying my shoes, Jake grabs my hand and yanks me up.
"You're not gonna faint on me again are you," he asks, as we walk through the woods.
"No."
I felt like a child. We walk for a while, until we reach a store parking lot.
"Red or black," Jake asks suspiciously.
"Black."
"Wait here."
I wait in the brush and watch Jake. His hands in his pockets, he looks around. I can hear him whistling. He pulls open a shiny black Dodge Challenger's car door. Was he stealing this car? The car engine turns over. He pulls up.
"C'mon," he yells out the window.
I swiftly get in and look around.
"Did-did you just boost this car," I say as he speeds off.
"Do I look like a common criminal to you," he smirks.
"I lifted this awhile back. The plates and vin can't be traced," he continues, the smug look on his face makes me blush.
I look around. The car is neat, a blue rabbit's foot swings from the rear view mirror. He turns on the radio. A song I never heard before blares out of the speakers. I listen to the words so I don't feel so awkward. Jake bobbed his head to the beat.
"Where are we going," I yell over the music.
"Thought it'd be nice to leave the cabin. We can just ride around."
It was nice. The windows rolled down, music blaring. It felt good being out in the world, without actually being in it. We rode around for hours. I felt liberated. In that moment there was no choosing Jake or Chris. There were no scars. There was no eyepatch, no ghostly white blind eye. No fear of being captured or sold.
I was lost in the moment. The bass reverberating in my chest. It was exciting. Driving around in a stolen muscle car with the bad boy. My heart fluttered at the thought. This was a fantasy I never entertained. I looked over at Jake, he had one hand on the steering wheel, leaned back in his seat.
My cheeks blush. This was happening! Excitement fills my entire being as I deeply inhale the crisp breeze. We were fast approaching a city. The lights danced and sparkled across the night sky like stars. He turned down the music.
"It must have been hell getting me here," I say, letting the reality of things sink in.
"I called in a favor. She pulled some strings and here we are," he shrugged.
"Sherry," I whisper.
He nods.
Sherry is probably kicking herself in the ass right now.
Jake smiles.
"She's probably kickin' herself in the ass right now," he chuckles.
My eyes widen with surprise. I laugh it off as I take in the splendors of the city. The streets full of people, cars, and taxis. Young women dressed in nightwear awkwardly jogging across the street in heels they can hardly walk in, business men in suits out with colleagues discussing numbers and mergers, artsy folk, music enthusiasts, people of every creed. A melting pot of culture and yet no one was really aware of the other.
I ignore my feelings of dread, the idea of an outbreak, the visions of complete and total chaos. Jake grabs my hand.
"Will you chill out. An outbreak isn't gonna happen, and if it does, I will protect you."
His eyes didn't leave the road and for the rest of the ride his hand didn't leave mine.