Breakfast with the Rogers brats without their parents was supremely strange, Tony thought the next morning. It was a Friday, and some of the Avengers decided to take a long weekend, sleeping in. So, at the breakfast table it was just Tony, Pepper, Natasha, Steve, and the teenagers. Peter had obviously just rolled out of bed. He was still rubbing sleep out of his eyes. His brown hair was sticking up in every direction and he was still in sweats and an overlarge t-shirt. Kate, by contrast, was already completely ready. Her make-up was done with obvious finesse, her shiny black hair was half-up and free of frizz, and her uniform was crisp and clean. Peter ate Cocoa Puffs, Kate ate a grapefruit and a croissant. They might have been twins, but you never would have known it by looking at them. They didn't even go to the same schools, which Tony didn't understand.
"What's up with the different schools, anyway?" he asked bluntly as the thought entered his mind.
"Hawthorn is all-girls," Kate informed him. "It's a Prep school. Peter goes to Midtown Science—it's a magnet."
"Didn't want to go to private school—tried that once, really hated it—didn't want to go to nimma," Peter said by way of explanation.
"To what?"
"N-Y-M-A," Peter spelled out, his mouth half-full of cereal. He chewed and swallowed before continuing. "New York Military Academy. S'where James went." Tony stared at him blankly. None of this meant much to him.
"Oh, that's right," Pepper said, "he's your brother isn't he? I remember your mother mentioned something about another child."
"Half-brother," Peter grumbled, and wow if Tony didn't sense a whole heap of resentment off of that one tiny correction.
"It's also a safety thing. The different schools," Kate said. "James was the only one of us who went by 'Rogers' in school. At Hawthorn, I'm Kate Bishop. At Midtown Science, he's Peter Parker. We're kept out of the press to keep villains at bay. I mean, the press still knows we exist, they've just never gotten solid shots of our faces. Even if they managed it, there's a blanket gag order on any information involving us. Nobody in their right mind would print it." Steve was frowning.
"That seems…complicated," he said. Kate shrugged and sipped her coffee.
"So…how do you have friends, then? Does anyone know who you are?" Pepper asked, sounding concerned.
"Oh, no," Kate said. "Secret identities are created for a reason. Can't have friends over, that would be a national security risk—there's way too much sensitive info stored in this house. We've had parties before, though—Mom just always rents out a place; ball rooms, laser tag, under 21 club, Chuck-E-Cheese, whatever."
"But you can't share your personal lives with anyone?" Pepper asked.
"I mean, I can still talk about my family," Kate said. "I can still talk about my annoying twin brother, or my crazy mother, I just can't go into too much detail. And besides, we've got the other Avengers' kids to talk to. There's Torrun and Francis and Azari and Hank who are close enough to our age." Kate certainly didn't look unhappy or deprived to Tony, but Pepper still looked concerned. Kate looked Peter up and down.
"You do realize it's 6:45, right?" she asked him.
"Shit," Peter swore. He gulped down one last bite of cocoa puffs and then took off like a shot through the house. Kate just sighed and rolled her eyes dramatically.
"Boys," she said scathingly. Natasha and Pepper hid smiles. She checked her watch again when a stranger strolled into the kitchen. At least, he was a stranger to Tony, and to the other three Avengers. His hair was so blond it was nearly white. He had a glint to his eye that spoke of mischief. He wore normal street clothes, just as Peter did. Kate grinned.
"Finally. You're such a fucking slowpoke, you know that? I thought you were going to be here at 6:30," she said. She grabbed her leather satchel from where it hung off the back of her chair.
"Well excuse me, princess," he said, mocking. "Your golden chariot got stuck in traffic." He glanced briefly at the Avengers, as if just noticing their presence. "I thought the Alts were supposed to leave yesterday." Kate sighed dramatically.
"'Supposed to' being the operative phrase. They're stuck here and there's nothing Mom can do about it. Tears in the universe, potential collapse of the multiverse, blah blah. Same old story," she said. Tony, and likely the rest of the team, didn't appreciate being spoken about as if he wasn't there, but the two 3490 kids didn't seem to notice or care.
"Unfortunate," the older boy said. "Ready to go?"
"God yes," Kate said, standing up. Just then, Peter ran into the room, practically skidding to a stop.
"Barton," he said, surprised. "What are you doing here?" Tony blinked. Barton?
"Just giving your dear darling sister a ride to school," Barton drawled.
"Uh, Happy's taking us," Peter said, glancing quickly at his sister.
"No, Happy's taking you. Bye, Petey," she said, giving a little wave with her fingers as she headed out the door with Barton.
"Woah, woah, wait a minute, Kate. Kate! You're grounded. Mom will skin you alive—" He followed them out the door and into the hall. The Other Avengers could still see and hear them fairly well, but they were out of the room.
"For what?" Kate shot back. "Going to fucking school? Just keep your mouth shut about it, yeah?"
"I can keep a secret but Happy—"
"Isn't going to rat on me. I'm going to school, Peter, swear to God," Kate said.
"Mom will kill both of us if she finds out you're skiving your punishment and I covered for you," Peter pointed out.
"Well she's not going to find out," Kate said.
"I think you're really misreading Happy here."
"Oh my God, Peter, I'm going to be late, just lay off," she said.
"Yeah, Petey, lay off," Barton said, teasing.
"Shut the fuck up, Barton," Peter snapped, giving him the tiniest of shoves, though it looked like it probably took Peter some effort. Barton's eyes went dark. He shoved Peter, who staggered several feet backwards, out of sight of the Avengers in the kitchen. It sounded like he crashed into something. Kate smacked Barton on the shoulder, hard. Tony noticed that Steve's back was ramrod straight, and it looked like it was taking him quite some effort to stay seated.
"Don't fucking touch my brother, Francis," Kate snarled. "This is between me and him and it isn't any of your business."
"He's making it my business," Francis snapped.
"Let's just go," Kate said, tugging at his arm. With one last dirty look at Peter, Francis left with Kate.
"Well that was dramatic," Tony said at last, when he was sure they were gone.
"Should we go make sure he's ok?" Pepper asked. That worried look had taken over her whole face.
"And embarrass the kid? Nah," Tony said. "He'll be fine."
"Feels like every day's pretty dramatic around here," Steve said with a slight frown fixed to his face.
"Yes, perhaps it's a hint from the heavens—superheroes should never marry other superheroes," Tony commented. "They end up with bratty children." Probably due to a lack of supervision, Tony thought privately.
"Think that's the whole reason we're here, Stark?" Natasha asked, joking. "It's a great cosmic message against superhero marriage?"
"Who knows," Tony said. And that was really a thought—who did know? He wished he knew why in the hell they were sent here, and by whom, but there was nothing he could do to find out when he was an entire universe away, and it irritated him to know end. He also found himself getting exceedingly cranky since he had yet to poke around in 3490 Tony's workshop. He'd have to ask her when she got back today. He wasn't above getting down on his knees and begging at this point—it was only Friday and he was going crazy.
In order to keep his brain from rotting, Tony decided that morning to peruse the mansion's library. He was pleasantly surprised to find that it had been updated—3490 Tony had filled it not just with the classics and antique books that their father had been so fond of, but also with hundreds of science books. He picked one up on the theory of the multiverse and got to reading. Maybe 3490 Tony couldn't do anything, but maybe 199999 Tony could. He spent the morning reading the book while Pepper sat in the library with him, picking her way through a Jane Austen novel and sipping tea. It was a rare luxury for her, Tony knew, and he was glad she got the chance to kick back.
Around four Tony and Pepper left the library, made curious by shouts coming from the living room. Upon arrival, Tony took in the situation—an N64 was hooked up to the television, and Mario Kart played on the screen. Steve, Clint, Thor, and Natasha played while Jane half watched and half scrolled through a tablet.
"Did you just fucking blueshell me, Rogers?" Clint demanded.
"Suck it," Steve said in response, then let out a triumphant, "HA!" as his avatar overtook Clint's onscreen. Clint swore under his breath. Tony had not been aware that Captain perfect was even capable of saying such phrases as 'suck it'.
"Hey, who forgot to invite us to the party?" Tony demanded as he and Pepper entered. Pepper took a seat by Jane while Tony stood behind the couch, watching the screen.
"We thought you two were fucking," Clint said bluntly, then swore loudly again.
"What—why—nevermind," Tony said, sighing in exasperation as Pepper just glared at an oblivious Clint.
"STOP THAT ROGERS!" Clint shouted. Steve just let out an evil laugh. "How in the hell did you get lightning? You're in the lead!"
"I'd say I feel like I've been transported to an alternate universe, but…" Tony trailed off.
"Aye, the Captain is a ruthless foe!" Thor agreed with Tony's sentiment. "Already he has attacked me with several shells of red."
"Oh, hey, what's everybody doing—" at the sound of the voice behind them, Tony, and the non-playing Avengers, turned. At the entrance to the living room stood a young man who looked remarkably like Steve Rogers. His hair, however, was auburn, his face a bit more angular, and his body a bit more lean. Natasha crossed the finish line ahead of Steve, to many groans from the boys. "—here." The boy's expression quickly changed from one of curiosity to one schooled for blankness. Before Tony even knew what was happening, the young man had reached behind his back and pulled out a gun. He pointed it at Tony's head.
"Uh, guys," Tony said, putting his hands up in surrender. His teammates finally turned around.
"You have ten seconds to explain who the hell you people are and what you're doing in here," the young man said.
"Avengers!" Tony said. "We're Avengers." The young man regarded him coldly and removed the safety on the gun. None of the Avengers moved, hoping to soothe the situation before it escalated further.
"My Aunt Natasha has a small white scar on her upper lip. Uncle Clint doesn't go anywhere without his hearing aid in. Aunt Pep's hair was shorter by several inches last week, Jane, while beautiful, is at least twenty years older than this woman here, and that—" he pointed with his free hand to Steve "—is not my father. And I don't know who the hell you're supposed to be, since last time I checked Tony didn't mystically change genders. Start gabbing, shortstuff."
"Shortstuff?" Tony demanded indignantly.
"Ten," James said coolly.
"James," Steve said, surprising Tony and apparently surprising James a bit too. His eyes flickered to the other man briefly. "Stand down, soldier. We are not your enemy."
"Nine," James said, more of a heated edge to his voice now.
"Alternate universe," Tony said. "We're from 199999."
"How do I know you're telling the truth?" James asked.
"Uhh…JARVIS, can you back us up on this one?" Tony asked the air.
"Certainly, sir. Master James, these are alternate Avengers trapped in our world. They have been invited to stay here by your step-mother and father," JARVIS helpfully supplied.
"See?" Tony said, putting his hands back down. "Nothing to worry—"
"Hands back up!" James barked. Tony put them up, knowing that Natasha, Clint, and Steve were, at this point, thinking of several ways to disarm the kid. The unfortunate fact was that he was too far away from any of them to take him down before he would manage to get a shot off, unless they hit him with a projectile. Injuring, or killing, the kid was not a good plan or something Tony knew any of them wanted to do. "You could've hacked him. Think of something else."
"James," Steve said calmly, soothingly, "what can we say? What proof can we offer you?" James eyed him suspiciously.
"I don't know," he admitted. "Telling me what you've done with my dad and Tony would be a good start."
"They're on a mission in Japan," Natasha supplied.
"Convenient," James said. Tony could see the glint of silver in her hand—a small knife she'd retrieved from God knows where. Tony didn't want it to come to that.
"James? Why do you have a gun pointed at the alts?" Tony had never been more grateful to see a sixteen-year-old girl in his life, including after prom night. She came up behind him, still dressed in her school uniform.
"So they really are Alts?" James asked.
"No, they're chickens, you've just been hypnotized into thinking they're Alts. Yes, they're Alts, moron," Kate said. James put the safety back on and shoved the gun into the back of his pants.
"Why doesn't anybody ever tell me things?" James complained.
"Maybe because you don't live here? Just a thought," Kate said. She glanced at the gun. "You know, one day you're going to blow your dick off and I'm just going to laugh. Why are you packing heat, anyway, you expect to get jumped on the way here? I know Long Island is so dangerous in the peak of broad daylight—Brookville, especially—but I think you're a big boy with super soldier genes who can handle it."
"I was taking care of something for Coulson before I came," James said by way of explanation. He turned to the Alts, an apologetic smile on his face. "Sorry. I can't say it's never happened that I've shown up at the mansion to find skrulls masquerading as Dad and Tony. Or killer life model decoys. Or unfriendly alts." He ticked them off on his fingers. "Better safe than sorry."
"Hey, no hard feelings," Tony said smoothly, though he knew that Steve still seemed irked. Frankly with that track record, Tony didn't begrudge him the gun.
"What are you doing here anyway?" Kate asked.
"What am I ever doing here? Free food," James said with a teasing smile. He turned back to the Alts again. "I am truly sorry. Welcome to the 'verse, and all that. How long are you marooned for?"
"A year, says Tony," Steve answered. James whistled.
"Ouch," he said. "I think that's the longest we've ever had Alts here for. Hope you don't hate it here. I'm James, by the way, though you all seem to know that already." The Alternate Avengers settled down a bit after that. Clint hit the start button and began a new game of Mario Kart, which was a relief to Tony because the music of the frozen screen repeating over and over again was driving him nuts. He went and settled himself on the couch, ready to kick back with the rest of the Avengers and relax. They might as well enjoy their forced vacation while they could. But even though he was paying attention to the new game of Mario Kart (and had dibs on switching out with someone for the next game), he still had one ear to the conversation going on behind them. It wasn't really eavesdropping if they were still in the room, was it?