A/N: All disclaimers are in the author's note chapter which include a playlist and background information on the characters from my p.o.v. The chapter titles are changing up a bit in case some you notice or care; they used to detail a certain hour and time for Kate but she's kind of throwing caution to the wind as far as time is concerned. Warning: Edward will be in the next few chapters but he does have to return to Forks which means that the story will continue because it is Kate's story not his. I know many of you love the Edward/Bella fanfics but this isn't one of them, so I hope that you will continue to read of Kate's journey despite Edward's return home; he has to in order to fall in love with Bella :)
So Come On…
Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie
The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how... I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats. I need you so much closer (x8) instrumental break I need you so much closer ( x4)
The clouds above opened up and let it out.
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.
So come on, come on (x4)
I was in Jay's arms holding him as tight as a human could. I had told him a revised version of Sebastian and how he was murdered before my eyes while I was left for dead. So it wasn't really a revised version but I left the time period out and open for interpretation, and instead of being my husband I had said that Sebastian was my boyfriend. I also told him how I thought I had fallen in love with Daniel but when I realized his intentions weren't sincere I had to walk away with my pride in bits and pieces. Needless to say it was one emotional night for the pair of us.
The night also made something that was so complicated so blissful at the same time. He was mine as I was his; I know that in my soul now. He had given himself to me the day when our paths crossed in town a few days past. I unwittingly became his when I came to him tonight without thought and when he told me the story of his past. I didn't know it then but he was telling me this as he was holding me and the reality of the situation had me in the worst pain my muscle of the dead heart that beat long ago has ever known. He was whispering in my ear,
"You looked so bored that day; that was the way I felt for the past few years even after I had laid my demons to rest. I took one look at you, and you took my breath away. I knew my life would never be the same. If Irina hadn't told me you were interested I would have found a way to put myself in your path. I have never been impulsive or daring. The only reason I was with Amy was because our childhood bond together and the friends that were the catalysts to reunite us. But then I saw you…" His voice trailed off and his mind was swirling with memories of me and him; some were fantasies that he had when first seeing me (which were kind of sexy that made my stomach do some jumps of their own) and some were the moments we spent together at the clearing by my house. My throat was in knots; I was certainly doomed but at the same time I didn't care, as long as I was in his arms. I am growing more romantic every hour and I was so surprised on how much he has given me in such a short time. I would always want him close to me but at the same time it couldn't be.
The song playing on the iPod now was "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie and I wanted to sob. I clung tightly to Jason as a human girl would do as I softly chanted the refrain from the song in my mind,
I need you so much closer…I need you so much closer… His thoughts brought my chant to a still as he spoke his mind,
"I dedicated this song to you. When I got back here to the cabin I had this song on repeat because for some reason it reminded me of you. For the first time in my life, I wanted you in a way I never wanted anything or anyone. You changed my life, Kate. I would have crossed the Atlantic on driftwood if it would have brought me closer to you." I started shaking from the uncontrollable urge to sob, dry tearless sobs. Ben Gibbard's voice broke through my mind with his depthless lyrics,
So come on...come on. So come on…come on. So come on…come on. So come on…come on.
I took Ben's advice; I brought Jay's face to meet mine. I kissed him furiously, and his tongue met mine. I needed to do something to fight this urge to kill myself; I had to make this time that we had together precious and special. As he put himself on top of me with his lips on my neck, I breathed ever so softly into the air which my mind echoed to the silence. I love you, Jason.
Two hours later, I was kissing Jay goodbye; I had to go home and face the music that was Tanya. I kept kissing him to prolong the inevitable: the confrontation with Tanya and the separation that had to happen for Jay's sake.
"Call me later?" He looked into my eyes as I nodded quietly. I kissed his nose and his eyelids when they were closed.
"Goodnight, Jace." He hugged me one more time and he reluctantly let me go. I walked backwards as he stood on the doorframe of the cabin, looking at me until I disappeared into the forest. I hid behind some trees while I watched him. He stood at the doorway, gazing at his surroundings with a glazed look in his eyes, veiled with a sort of newfound vision, as if he were seeing everything for the first time. I slumped against the tree as I watched him slowly close the door, as if he were waiting for something else to make this night never ending. I sighed softly and heavily if possible. I let myself fall to the floor and threw my head into my hands. What in the world was I going to do now?
Kate, call Alice. Now. My head jerked up in astonishment. Eleazar had tapped into my mind from wherever he was; how on earth was he tapping in? my mind was still blocked... Shit. I had forgotten to call Alice. Ugh what the hell is happening to me, I asked to nobody in particular. I pulled out my cell phone and turned it on. I waited a few minutes; according to my phone I had about a million voice mails. Whatever. I called Alice's cell phone but I kept an ear out for Edward who'll probably be wandering around at this hour.
"Kate!! He is just too cute!!! Tell me you're going to change him, please!?" I sighed. Of course Alice saw me and Jay. I cleared my throat.
"Alice…" I let my tone trail off hoping she would get the hint. She did.
"Okay we'll talk about that some other time." She giggled and I smiled at her jubilance. "I am so glad you gave me something fun to see; I just can't get Edward out of my visions." I remembered why I was calling and a thought came to my mind. I had to put it as bluntly as I could; now was not the time the hedge around the issue.
"Alice, did you see a future of Edward with this girl?" Silence greeted me on the other end. I had voiced the thought that has been tugging at my subconscious and apparently in Alice's.
"How did you know? Did Eleazar see what I did?" She sounded breathless, thankful that she can talk of this vision to others besides Jasper.
"Actually I don't know what he saw. He told me to call you. But Alice you should be here to really grasp the enormity of this situation. It's endless. He's constantly thinking of her but as a person not as what she would have been if had followed his instinct. He and I got into a fight over the matter." I hissed the last part which she responded to.
"I know; I saw it but I was hoping it was over Irina; I couldn't see what the cause of the argument was though you looked really hurt. Did he say something he shouldn't have?" Her tone was mournful. "I wish there was a way I could have prevented it."
"There was nothing you could have done; it was to happen eventually. And yes it hurt because it came from Edward, mister know it all. Tell me Alice, what did you see? I need to know in order how to help if I still can." I was anxious to get over this incident with Edward but I also wanted the apology I deserved to receive and give in return.
"I saw the same vision with two possible endings: one was with Bella Swan dead." I sighed heavily; this was not what I wanted to hear especially if Edward was going to not pay heed to my advice and embrace humanity. Then I perked up.
"The other one she lives then? That must mean Edward has to stay with us a bit longer than you saw." I was slightly confused but Ally's next words stopped all train of thought in my head,
"The first vision is what will happen if Edward stays in Denali another week." I was dumb-founded. I had to cough; I don't know why but I felt the need to cough, to cough up my confusion at what I just heard.
"What the hell, Alice? I thought Edward is the reason she dies?!" I nearly shrieked but I held it in since I was still by Jay's cabin and Edward would be nearby. My mind was blocked so I knew I was safe. "How is it that she lives in the other vision with him there? I don't get it."
"Kate, I didn't say she was going to live in the other vision. Not exactly." I was silent as several things began to replay in my mind: my earlier sorrow for Edward not being able to have what his family had, a companion. I also remembered Eleazar's warning of keeping my mind blocked around Edward when that random thought had passed through my mind. So many things were going in my mind as I whispered to Alice,
"What exactly happens in the other vision, Ally?" I used my nickname for her, to let her know that I was close to the truth but unable to grasp it, the sheer thrill of such a possibility.
"He changes her. She was dying and there was no other way. Carlisle changed her in one part of the vision then it switched to Edward changing her. She becomes one of us." Alice's voice sounded pleased and anxious at the same time. "Either way, she was going to die. In both there was no way around it; she would have died. But in the one I prefer she gets to become my sister." She sounded really excited, more excited than she should have been.
"Alice, you already have a sister. Why would you want this to happen to an innocent human?" I was overwhelmed with the possibility of such a vision. Edward finally gets a girl. Shit, Irina is going to be pissed. Oh well.
"That's not what I meant, Katie! I don't wish this girl any harm! She just seems so special. I've been having visions of her meeting the family, of me and her being close like sisters. I love Rose to pieces," I scoffed which prompted Alice to laugh, "but it would be nice to be the older sister to someone who can make Edward so happy. I've seen it, Katie! He seems so complete, serene, and happy; I know she can bring that to him, which has been missing in his life. It will make our family even more strong and loving. Besides I don't know when we all will be able to see each other again," she added sadly which had me missing her all over again. Our separation two years ago was not a pretty sight, although with Rosalie fuming with jealousy had made it more entertaining, much to Emmett's dismay. God bless that woman, she always had me laughing with her center of the world universe attitude, that it made me kind of miss her too. "I miss all of you so much sometimes. You were always sweet with Jasper, and I know he misses you and Irina making him laugh."
I smiled. Jasper was someone who was in some ways a better best friend. He couldn't read minds like Edward but his gift is so unique like him, I held a special place for him since he is the most human in a way, struggling with our way of life to please his wife, Ally. The whole thing always makes me swoon even if I was a self-proclaimed critic of love, until now at the very least.
"My God, Alice. I don't know what to say…both of those visions are not what I expected. Though I think I know which vision you prefer to come to pass," I shrewdly noted.
"Well I don't want her to die. Besides, she seems like she's missing Edward as well." Alice stated this smugly at which I was all ears.
"Say wha-aat?" I stressed the last part of what which had Ally giggling.
"Ever since Edward left, she seems kind of guilty. I think deep down she knows she's the reason why he left but isn't sure how or even why. She's very quiet, prefers to keep to herself. All the kids here are trying to be her friend and some are passing as friends when in reality are using her popularity." Alice sounded kind of protective; much like Edward did when he spoke of her.
"You know, you and Edward seem very intent on protecting her from the horrors of the hell that high school can be sometimes," I warily remarked.
"Well I am kind of seeing her as a sister already. It's only a matter of time. The sooner she becomes one of us, the better off she'll be than hang around with these would be posers." Alice's voice was haughty and I smiled, wishing I could have gone to school with her the time they were living with us. She was 4'11 but I felt sorry for anyone, human or vampire, that crossed her path of wrath.
"Well, be careful with being too attached. It might not be wise since you are still having visions that constantly change. She's human; it's bound to be complex."
"I know. Jasper already told me. The two of you get on my nerves sometimes, ruining everything with realistic opinions," Alice hissed. I laughed.
"I'm sorry. My next question is what should I do? Have you told anyone else about your visions? Both of them?" I had to plan my strategy; I had to admit that deep down I kind of wanted the second vision to come true. Edward was already intrigued by this girl. This Bella Swan was already subconsciously aware she drove him away and, according to Alice who is rarely wrong, she was missing him too. She was quiet, timid and preferred to keep to herself. God made them and matched them, as that saying goes. Fittingly well.
"Only Jasper who suggested I talk to you or Eleazar since he might have seen what I saw. I want Edward to come back home. Esme misses him. Everyone does but it hurts Esme the most." Alice's voice was sorrowful.
"I know. It must be hurting her. I think I have an idea of how to make Edward go home sooner. You first saw him gone for two days right, when he first came here?"
"Yes but it keeps changing. Just earlier today it seemed that he was going to come home soon after your fight. But then it changed and he ended up staying a few days more. I think he is worried of your involvement with your own human. I think he wants you to be more cautious like he is," she smirked on the phone. I laughed since I can see her smirking at her brother's incessant need to be right all the damn time.
"Well, I can only imagine what he has to say. I don't need anymore speeches since I know I am going to get one from Tanya." I closed my eyes as I leaned on the tree.
"Oh Katie I wish I can tell you what's going to happen. For some reason all I see is you and Edward in what seems to be a showdown of sorts. I don't know why but his arrival back here is connected with you. I think you being in love with a human makes Edward jealous."
"What in THE world?! Ally, he is like my brother, ew." I scrunched up my face in horror.
"Not like that silly; I think deep down he is jealous of how easy it is for you to be with a human."
"God bless you, Ally, but it's the most singularly hardest thing I've ever gone through. I am at a loss of what to do." I became silent as Ally sighed on the other end and stayed quiet for a few minutes. She must be having another vision.
"Tanya is about to call you soon. Edward is looking for you; probably to say I told you so." I frowned. Yes, he would do that in a time like this. Knowing Edward indeed, he probably figures he's the better person in this situation. I feel a reality check coming to pass.
"Alice, I think I know what to tell Edward. Remember, you have no idea. He'll be home before the vision of Bella Swan happens. I promise." My words must have been something fierce because Ally stayed silent. Then she began to cheer softly; she had had another vision.
"Do it. It'll work. He'll be home by the weekend. Katie, I love you." Alice was giggling and I was smiling wickedly.
"Love you, too. Tanya is calling me; I have to answer." Alice and I said our goodbyes. I clicked to the other line.
"Yeah?" I was careless with my greeting which will infuriate Tanya but I was past the lines of patience.
"Miss yeah, when the HELL are you coming home?!" It was amazing how over the phone Tanya was still able to be spitting venom through her words but I was still blasé.
"Soon. Edward is looking for me and I think me and him need to have our privacy."
"How do you know he's coming? You've had your mind blocked and he hasn't heard from you since you left."
"I always bet on Alice. She and I had to talk about Edward and his return to Forks. Esme is missing him beyond anything else."
"The poor woman, Edward really needs to go back home. He is also missing his family too." Tanya's voice was sympathetic. I was not.
"When he stops thinking about himself he wouldn't have to hurt his family," I replied acidly. Like you don't think about your own self? His voice rang through my mind. Goody. He was nearby. "Tanya, I'll see you in a few." I clicked on the phone.
Meet me in the clearing, Edward. I don't want to be too near the cabins. The last thing Jason needs to see is me and you; it'll break his heart, I thought.
Wouldn't it be for the best? I snarled viciously. Fine, I will be waiting by the clearing.
I was already on the rock when Edward emerged from the darkness, his hair tousled in the disheveled mess it usually is. I laughed humorlessly; he would make a dramatic entrance. He glared at me while I laughed softly.
"What's so funny?" I wasn't aware I was that humorous. I answered the last thought openly,
"You're not. Your actions are much funnier because you actually thrive on your theatrics which enables you to be fodder for my own personal amusement." I smiled smugly as he glared at me, his eyes blacker than the night itself.
"You're in a good mood. I am surprised the human is still alive; our kind has been known to get a bit carried away when being caught in the moment while with a human." His crooked grin was not as charming as it usually was. I laid on the rock while I pondered my next move. I heard his thoughts groan when he realized my mind was still blocked.
"Honestly, Edward. What would you know of such things? Your only connection to that sphere of experience is through Emmett's mind which I am sure he is bound to let you in on for enlightenment purposes. You are all after unskilled in that realm." I smirked when his growl was furious with shame.
"Tanya has told me some near-death experiences some of the men Irina's has been involved with. I think I have a good grasp."
"An amateur one at the least, which doesn't make you an expert in this field. So shut it before you embarrass yourself any further. You came here running away from a human. Your status at mister knows it all has been thrown into question." I spat out the last sentence at which he was immediately by my side, snarling with rage.
"Just because you throw yourself at a human makes you an expert as well? Are you even aware of what the hell are you even doing should you get in too deep?" God, Kate, one would think you're the know it all in this world.
"Dammit, Edward at least I know how to live a life and not hide from it!"
"I do NOT hide!" He was spitting at me with rage. I was standing before him, spitting with anger as well; I was a good few inches shorter than him but I was close to flinging him across the clearing should my anger and his anger combined need to be unleashed. I had forgotten that our connection with my emotions and his was still overwhelmingly strong. I was bound to shred him to pieces in a few minutes. I matched his glare while I spat out,
"Then why are you here!? Why did you just abandon your family without saying goodbye or give Esme an explanation!? You're here because you were weak for ONE moment and you leave without a goodbye or even an explanation which you know she deserved! You were brave enough to stay away from a human but you now you refuse to face your own mistake!? At least I know when I am WRONG, Edward! I know what I am doing is WRONG but I will not let you or anyone tell me how to live my LIFE!" I yelled at him at a human voice pitch, which he noticed and laughed hollowly at.
"Kate, are you kidding me? You call this a LIFE!? You're a vampire, a monster! You are not HUMAN!!!" He was back to the old argument. He always has to go back to that old point, the idiot.
"Yes, I am living a life because what the hell is there else left to do? I don't know if you are aware but we are kind of going to live for all eternity", I spat out the words which he scoffed at; I continued on with the words dripping with more venom than my teeth had,
"Do you expect me to brood like you and criticize the world away or wish I was human again like Rosalie does once in awhile? I don't think so. I refuse to waste my time with regrets for a life long gone and accept the one that I chose; because I chose this life and I have not regretted it once until today. Only because I know what love is do I truly wish I was human. That's my cross to bear, Edward but it's a hell that I am willing to endure because I have never been this happy before with anyone else but my family and most likely I will never be this happy again so I will not let it go because of right and wrong. Life is too long for things to be just black and white, dammit. I am not afraid to take some chances nor am I afraid to admit that I am SO TOTALLY SCREWED when this is over!! But one thing I will NOT do is to stand here before you and your judgments to justify my life which I always embraced though you never could!!!" I ran to the nearest tree and flung it off the ground, throwing it to the side with such a force that would have made Emmett proud. I glared at Edward who looked angry and hurt.
"But you don't have to do this to yourself. You have a choice."
"I refuse to feel inhuman. I've embraced the insanity because I am willing to take a chance. The real question of the hour is: are you brave enough?" I whispered to him. He looked momentarily staggered.
"What did you say?" he looked at me with a blank expression in his eyes, his mind mirroring his face.
"Are you brave enough to embrace humanity? Are you brave enough to go back to your family and prove yourself right, that you can do this? You can do this, you can see this girl as a human that will never bring you harm. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, away from those you love. Though the longer you stay, Edward, the more right you prove to yourself that you are a monster, a monster from the 1930s that you once gave in to who you really were at the time. You always claimed to be one, Edward. Congratulations. Now you are one. You ridicule me and my choice to find happiness, thinking that I am completely blind to the aftermath of what can happen. How can you stand there before me and honestly believe you are better than me, while you're suffering inside." I looked at him, my mind open now.
Either way you will be miserable. You will have pain. That's human; you are as human as one can get and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Either suffer and stay with us or go back to Esme who's suffering more without you. Do you criticize her for missing you and loving you as a mother does? That is kind of what feeling human is, Edward.
He stayed quiet, with his back to me. How can you be so sure of my actions when I'm not?
"I always bet on Alice, Edward. I would have thought by now you would too." I smirked at him while he took a quick glance at me, frowning slightly.
"Her visions can change. They did before and they will because of our choices."
"Precisely. You chose to do the right thing; now it's time for you to choose and face the music and your weakness. The longer you run from it, the more it will tear you up inside and as much as I love you I will not see that happen, not when I'm around. You're better than that and you know you are. That's why we were having a fantastic screaming match just a few moments ago. That's why you were making fun of me and my choices. I can deal with whatever is going to happen. The question is can you?"
I had gone back to my branch of sanctuary from the last time Edward and I had our heart to heart. He was below me at the base of the tree, pondering his next move. It was déjà vu all over again.
"Are you in love with this human?" He asked the question that had entered his mind and I looked below, my eyes softening.
"Yes." Something so simple can be so complex. I was scared like never before. I sighed as I leaned on the tree, gazing into the horizon, wondering what Jay was doing now. I was going to try and tap into his mind when Edward's voice rang through the silent night,
"Will you change him?" He was suddenly before me, anxious for my response, and dreading it at the same time.
"No." He looked taken aback. He looked at me curiously, wondering if I was being too rash but I was certain.
"No?"
"No. I won't change him unless he has no other choice." Edward picked up my inflection.
"By other choice you mean…" he let the question trail off, letting his growing disapproval linger.
"If he was dying I would change him. He is one of the most wonderful beings in the world; I will not let someone so special die so young should it come to that. Until then, he remains who he is: Jason Arthur." He was muttering under his breath. You can't condemn him either, Kate. What if you change him and he doesn't love you or should he come to hate you for what you did? What if he does in the process?
"It is a chance I will be willing to take. I told you once and I think I even yelled it twice, Edward. I am not afraid. I don't want to be. I have gone through several personal hells to know what I am usually up against. When I was human I saw my husband get murdered in front of me; I was beaten and left for dead. I toyed with the lives of thousands of men in my first few decades of who I had become, I've watched Tanya and Irina enjoy in the comforts of men while I dreaded being in their arms, and I thought I fell in love once only to have it be proven worthless by own brother, something he hated doing because he knew I had to know. Should Jason ever come to hate me because I changed him or should he die for me trying to keep him in my life, then you can rightfully boast that I am indeed a monster." I pushed him off the branch, and I leapt to the floor. He lied on the ground, cursing at me in his soft breath. What the hell is it with you and throwing me around?
I ignored him as I sauntered through the clearing, pondering the sudden certainty of my decision. I cannot change him; I won't take a choice that is his away from him. He was special to me and I will maintain his welfare as best and long as I can. God forbid the hour I should change him. For him to be changed he would have to be near death and the thought alone had my already cold body grow more so. For him to suffer at the prospect of dying only to face the fiery 3-day period of the transformation was enough for me to fling myself into a furnace.
I sank onto a random spot of the clearing and I held my head in my hands. What was I going to do? I can't live without him but I won't be able to maintain a long "healthy" relationship with him either, not for that long. What if he proposed to me and wanted to have children? Oh my God, what am I going to do then?
Suddenly I was being held in the most crushing embrace since this night began. Edward was hugging me; he must have been listening to my anguished thoughts. I groaned. I wasn't aware I had my mind opened.
You didn't. I felt your sadness and I didn't want you to feel more so because of me and my arrogance. I smiled weakly. He admitted his own flaws which might have been to make me feel better but it was progress.
I leaned my head onto his shoulder. Edward, I love him. What am I going to do?
You're asking me, the one that isn't brave? I chuckled softly as he smiled.
True. I found myself lying on the grass after Edward pushed me off his lap. I laughed while his smile grew into a grin.
"I think I have to go home now. What about you?" I looked at him squarely. His grin lessened into a sad smile.
"I think I will stay another day." I shrugged at his stubbornness to stay. I had to get him home; I suddenly knew the best way to get him to cave.
"One condition: you have to call Esme. She needs to at least hear your voice. She's your mother, Edward." I pointedly looked at him at which he nodded.
"I will. I promise. I think the pathetic pair of us needs to go and calm Tanya down. She is furious at you for sleeping with the human." He rolled his eyes. I narrowed my eyes at him, his name is Jason, you self-absorbed beast. He snorted. I smiled as I sweetly remarked,
"Well, at least I didn't almost kill him. I know how to reign in my enthusiasm." My eyes gleamed wickedly while Edward closed his eyes with embarrassment. I don't want to know the gory details, please.
Trust me, Edward. The day will come when you will. My smile settled into an enigmatic expression, with my mind closed and Edward gazing at me in curious wonder.