Rachel slowly readjusted to life again. She found therapy to be really quite helpful and she was surprised to find herself admitting to emotions she didn't really know she was feeling.
They were in their third or fourth session when Rachel felt the guilt. The guilt that said maybe it was her fault. Maybe since she didn't want the baby, maybe she hadn't taken care of herself or gone to the doctor enough. She had screamed and cried, berating herself out loud for being a bad mother, confessing later, in a quieter voice, that she feared she would be a bad mother someday.
She learned that therapy not only helped you access all the things you weren't letting yourself feel, it also helped you deal with them and put them away too. She was glad she had gotten into therapy when she did. Her due date was coming up in January, only a few weeks away, and she wasn't quite sure how she was going to handle it. The pictures had been hard enough, seeing how awful she looked, even back then.
She told Laura, her therapist, about the conversation with Noah that day and Laura had congratulated her.
"Me? Why me?" Rachel asked. "Noah was the one to let his feelings out, not me."
"Yes, but you let him," Laura explained. "There was a time you wouldn't have been able to deal with that, a time when your emotions alone were crushing you. You may not feel like it, Rachel, but you've made amazing strides in your grief process. You should be very proud."
And she was. She really was. She'd begun singing again, nothing much, just a few backup vocals in glee club, some silly songs in the shower. The first time she'd opened her mouth and music came out she had been curled up on the couch with Noah, watching Moulin Rouge and before she knew it she was softly singing along with Nicole Kidman to the Elephant Love Medley. She looked at Noah when she realized she was singing and he was looking back at her, his eyes shining. He hated the movie, she knew, but that night he sang to her every time Ewan McGregor sang to Nicole Kidman, and she sang right back to him.
She knew things had changed between them, though they hadn't discussed it. He spent almost every evening with her and her family, stopping home after school to check on his mother and sister before heading to the Berry house for dinner and movies. Between his visits and her therapy they were often together more than apart and she knew that meant something. He wasn't running around town having sex with anyone he could get his hands on, and she knew that for a fact, because he said she'd been the last one he'd slept with, the night of Brittany's party. She knew that meant something too, but she wasn't ready to go there yet.
She was still struggling to get caught back up with school, and Noah was actually being pretty helpful with that. He went to all his classes, did all the homework, usually with her at her kitchen table after dinner. He helped her with the classes he could, and when he couldn't he always had someone on call. Mike was astoundingly good at physics, so he was often over, helping her with the theories and formulas she had missed at the beginning of the year. Santana, believe it or not, excelled at English, and she studied with them in the library a few times, catching Rachel up on various Shakespeare plays and the important themes and symbols covered in class. When Rachel giggled and told her what Noah had said about reading the play where "that dude dies" the Latina had scowled and slapped the back on his head. Apparently she was a Shakespeare fan.
Kurt helped with whatever classes he could but they quickly found he was usually more a distraction from studying that he was a help. He had a quirky personality and a short attention span to go with it. She appreciated his help anyway. Mr. Schue of course helped her with her Spanish, and tried to run interference for her with any of her teachers he could. She didn't know what he'd told them, but most of her teachers accepted her late work and let her make up tests or do extra credit, even Coach Sylvester, who she had for Health.
Rachel slowly felt herself returning to normal, as normal as she could be. She was starting to get an appetite back and had put on five pounds since she'd started therapy. She didn't know if that was a good thing, but Noah had assured her that it was. She started wearing her hair long again, the way she loved it, even to school. Noah had even managed to convince her to get rid of the hooded sweatshirts she had been so fond of wearing. Her fathers had given her their credit card and Quinn happily accompanied her to the mall to buy some new things. She bought mostly sweaters, normal ones without animals on them, but Noah had kissed her cheek and told her as long as they weren't hooded sweatshirts, he was happy.
She continued seeing Laura on a regular basis and had even managed to convince Noah to sit in on a session with her once. That had been her most difficult session, opening up and confessing her guilt and her fears about the future and listening as he expressed his. It was so hard to hear the self-loathing in his voice when he talked about how much pain she'd been in, because of him. How he'd destroyed both her and Quinn's lives and hadn't had to take much of the fall for that. Laura had sat quietly and let them talk and by the time the session was over Rachel was crying and Puck's eyes were suspiciously red, but they walked away from it with a new understanding of each other and a new respect for themselves.
She thought maybe they really would be ok after all.
Puck was so proud of Rachel. She had marched into glee club that afternoon and announced that was ready to sing something, anything, and had immediately been bombarded with sheet music from all sides. She sang a piece Mr. Schue gave her, a happy, upbeat piece, and everyone had so missed her voice so much that they handed her another song, and then another, until practice turned into their very own Rachel Berry concert, for their ears only.
He'd sat back and watched her sing, tentative at first, her voice feeling out the notes. But by the end, she was shining, radiating emotion and everyone basked in it. He thought maybe Rachel Berry was finally back.
He knew things would still be hard sometimes. Her due date had come and her dads had offered to take her to a nice dinner, but she declined. Quinn had offered to come over with junk food and chick flicks, but Rachel said no. He had offered to come over but she said she just wanted to be alone.
He knew she was shutting him out again and he wasn't going to let her do it, not today, a day they needed each other.
He had no problem with showing up at her house anyway, nodding to her Dad when he opened the door and pointed toward the stairs. He had no issue whatsoever with kicking his shoes off and climbing in bed behind her, pulling her tight against him as her body shook with sobs. He smoothed her hair back and kissed her forehead and rubbed her back until she fell asleep.
When she woke hours later, she seemed embarrassed. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"Why?"
"I'm ok, I really am. I feel like I'm getting better. But today-"
"Baby," he interrupted gently, "today you're allowed to be a mess. Today it's ok. Not every day is going to be easy and you don't have to be strong all the time. There will be good days and bad days and this was obviously going to be a bad one. It's ok."
She sighed, closing her eyes and leaning her forehead against his. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too."