A STOMACH FULL OF RATS PART 11

Well, Owen's right about one thing. I am a twat. God Mam how do I tell you about this crap? Three weeks ago some bastards tried to gnaw my leg off. I feel like my world has imploded since Lisa and it's like having your left foot hanging over an abyss. I thought things couldn't get any worse after the Wharf, after losing Lisa. Ok maybe it's not that bad, but the relentless badness just keeps coming at me. I'm so angry and I wanted to take that out on Jack, but really it's not him, it's me. There's nothing left of me to give anymore.

I told Jack about.... Liam's murderer, I can't even bring myself to write his name. I know I was wrong mam, what I did, but I don't regret it. The only other person who knows is Liam's dad and he patted me on the back and said thanks, helped me get rid of the body. He knows what the loss is like. It's like when you died and Tad just fell apart without you.

There's so much death Mam, all around me. I feel like it follows me sometimes, like a disease. Is that stupid? To feel that?

I know I have to stay in Cardiff. I know I have a price to pay Mam, and I will. You and Tad always knew the difference between right wrong. I try to hold onto that. The lines get blurred too easily. Everything I love dies. Best not to get attached really. I think I can do that now. I'll make up for it mam, try to be a better person. I want you to be proud of me and I've done nothing so far to make you feel that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for so much.

Ianto closed the book and shoved it into the cabinet beside his bed. He carefully settled down onto his back and closed his eyes, too tired and sore to bother with the effort of undressing. The painkillers did their work and blackness took him into deep and peaceful sleep.

xx

Jack stomped back into his office and shucked off his coat, shivering with cold. The journey back from Flat Holm had been rough and left him feeling queasy. He hated going there, but he had promised himself that he would try to do better for the poor unfortunates who became victims to the whim of the Rift. What else could he do? Jack knew it wasn't enough, but it was the best he could do and certainly more than anyone else before him had bothered to try. He needed help, well more accurately Helen needed the help. He went straight to the scotch and slugged half a glass down in an effort to collect himself. Gwen strode into his office, making him jump and he almost lost his grip on the glass.

"Jeez Gwen, what is it?" He demanded swinging round and plonking himself down in his chair.

She was holding up a sheet of paper and Jack was immediately distracted by her low cut top and butt hugging jeans.

"Something's been dug up on a building site, the police are on sight but their SOCOs decided it was for us." Her eyes met his and Jack just felt the urge to grab her and fuck her where she stood. She clearly had similar thoughts and she licked her lips in anticipation. Jack closed his eyes and shook his head as if to clear it.

"Right, ok then... lets go check it out." He exhaled sharply. "Get the gear together I'll be there in a minute." He picked up his phone to make a point and Gwen nodded making a quick exit. Jack watched her backside all the way, wondering why the hell she was shagging Owen and not him. Shit. He dialled Ianto's phone number and was gratified to have the Welshman answer straight away.

"Ianto."

"Sir."

"Are you gonna be at home tonight?" Jack cringed, thinking he sounded like a nervous teenager.

"Yes, why?"

"I'll be round at seven, have coffee, I will bring take outs."

Ianto was obviously frowning as he spoke. "Oh.... er ok. No curry though, my stomach can't deal with it right now."

"Pizza?"

"Yes, that's fine."

Jack was smiling he realised and immediately stopped as if caught out. "Right, good. See you then." He hung up.

Ianto gaped at his phone. Eventually he put it down and went back to the task of scrambled eggs on toast worry gnawing at him. He knew he would worry all day now. He sipped at his diluted apple juice as he stirred the contents of the pan and felt grateful for the fact that barring his stomach, he was starting to feel a little better. The bruises had mostly disappeared though his ribs on the lift side were very painful when he tried to move about. Ianto tried to best to ignore it because he was never one for sitting idle. Unpacking boxes one handed was a torturous affair and some things were still too heavy or too awkward for him to lift.

The new house, well new to him needed serious redecoration so after finishing his meal he sat with the phone directory and rang for quotes from local painters and decorators and made arrangements for two to come and look at the house. He wanted to lift the darkness and maybe living in a nice space would help that. The money to do it was certainly available to him and his massive compensation payment from the Crown had outright paid for the house with cash to spare. Ianto didn't not understand the reasoning behind the need to suddenly move forward and get on. Maybe it had been what Jack had told him, perhaps now that he was free of caring for Lisa and released from the stress and fear. There was a chasm inside him where that stress used to be and it needed to be filled. Work would do, when he was back on his feet and in the time he'd make this house habitable and at least vaguely pleasant to come back to each night.

Fresh start, maybe that's all it was.

7pm came as quite a surprise as Ianto was wrenched from his napping on the couch by the banging on his front door. He got up feeling stiff and unyielding and almost pitched over when he stubbed his toe on the foot of the couch. Jack was there, pizza boxes in hand, thankfully from Pizza Express and not Jubilee. Ianto wondered if that was deliberate but didn't ask as he gestured Jack into the house.

They sat at the kitchen table, boxes open between them and Jack savoured the coffee with a look of bliss on his face.

"Oh, that's wonderful."

Ianto smiled. "Well, it's nice to know that your motives for visiting me are purely to satisfy your appetite for my coffee."

Jack lowered the mug, watching as Ianto delicately nibbled on a slice of vegetarian, it was almost feminine in its gesture and he frowned at the younger man. Ianto seemed to understand.

"My stomach... well chewed small amounts."

"Is it getting better?"

Ianto shrugged which made his ribs ache. "I spose. The doc and Owen both said it would take a while and if I didn't want to have another.... well like last time, I have to be careful. This is me probably being too careful, the gut ache isn't nice believe me."

Jack nodded and shovelled half a slice of meat feast in for good measure. Ianto just shook his head and wrinkled his nose in mild disgust.

"May I speak candidly, sir?"

Jack nodded again.

"Why are you here?"

Jack swallowed and grinned. "What, don't you like having a visitor?"

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"Ok. I'm here because two days ago you told me a secret, which was clearly an effort on your part to see if I can be trusted, so now it's my turn, only I didn't want to discuss it at the Hub...... I need your help."

Ianto put down his half eaten slice of pizza in exchange for his glass of water. "What for?"

"I have a facility out at Flat Holm Island. It's like a hospital for Rift victims....."

Ianto arched his eyebrows. "Aliens?"

Jack shook his head. "No, people.... from Earth. The Rift works two ways Ianto. Sometimes it takes people, objects and then very occasionally it dumps them back."

Ianto took the revelation in his stride, as Jack thought he would.

"Makes sense but....."

"They come back pretty changed..... damaged, unrecognisable sometimes and always out of their time. Flat Holm is a safe haven. They can't be let back into society for a whole number of reasons and before I took over they were just kept in the vaults in the Hub, pretty much uncared for." Jack downed more coffee as if to fortify himself. "It's terrible Ianto, what some of them go through, but at least there they are safe from the world, from UNIT.... you know the drill."

Ianto did, only too well. "The others don't know."

Jack nodded. "It's a problem that cannot be fixed. It's not safe to let them out into the world, half of them come from before the 16th Century a couple from the future. You see where I am going with this."

"You want me.... to do what?"

"Take over the administration, supply orders, wage paying.... just the stuff that takes time. You don't have to go out there or anything...."

Ianto sighed at the look of bewilderment on Jack's face. It was disconcerting to see it there.

"Is it that bad?"

Jack nodded. "Yeah."

"Alright. I'll help you and when I am feeling a little fitter I shall go out there and see for myself, maybe I can help in other ways. I take it the finances are separate from Torchwood?"

Jack nodded. "A bogus company, the usual stuff."

Ianto started back on his pizza. "Was there anything else?"

Jack shaking himself slightly picked up another slice too. "Yep, we have a new artefact I'd like you to go through the archive database tomorrow and see if there's a match. I have a hunch about it but .... well, I figured a bit of typing wouldn't be too bad for you. Owen said it'd be ok."

"Bastard." Ianto murmured into his food. The grin was back on Jack's face and Ianto surprised himself by being pleased to see it there. "Yes, of course, sir."

"Jack."

"What?"

"It's Jack. Whats with the 'sir' thing anyway?"

Ianto didn't really know, habit he supposed. "You're my boss."

"Yeah. So call me Jack. Sir is so.... submissive."

Ianto didn't fail to notice the innuendo and shook his head. "Eat your pizza, sir."

Jack obligued and then gazed into his empty coffee cup. Ianto got the hint.

AN: I REALLY WANTED TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD A BIT... COULD BE COMPLETELY WRONG OF COURSE.