She's kissing him, or maybe he's kissing her, and she's not entirely sure how they found themselves in this situation. It had started with talking and she's pretty sure that neither of them had had any intention for it to go beyond that.
She's just waiting for him to pull away and tell her that this entire thing is a mistake, but he doesn't seem to notice her hesitance. One of his hands is tangled in her hair and the other is wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. She remembers talking about wanting to burn, but there's something about this that leaves her worried that when it ends there won't be anything of her left, but ash.
Maya can feel the heat of the fire on her face, hot enough that it's uncomfortable, but not hot enough to move away. She's already shrugged out of the jacket that she's wearing and tied it to her waist. She had started out standing with Riley and Farkle, somewhere in the middle of the pack of people, while Cory and Topanga were awkwardly standing in the back, but she'd taken one look at the hunch in Lucas's shoulder and known that he was barely holding it together.
It had been pure instinct that had caused her to step forward and slip her hand in his. The closer family and friends were standing closest to the fire, while others form a ring farther out. Maya's partially aware that people are taking turns sharing stories about Nick; from his birth to his childhood, but she can only concentrate long enough to pick up pieces of it. It makes Maya incredibly sad to realize that his life is never going to go beyond his childhood.
She's on the brink of adulthood and the last few years of her life feel like a complete waste. There a part of her that wonders if Nick should have lived and she should be gone, it's dark and she tries not to entertain the thoughts for long, but they're still sitting there in the back of her mind.
Travis Friar and Pappy Joe don't seem to have the best relationship and seeing them together, just confirms the fact. Travis is wearing a suit and there's something about his movements that scream, "Drunk," to Maya, while Pappy Joe is in his jeans and flannel. She knows that Pappy Joe isn't an overly emotional person, but she swears that she can see tears glistening on his face that reflect the fire in front of him.
Rebecca is standing on Lucas's other side and she looks exhausted. Tears run openly down her face and she seems to sway, as though she doesn't quite have the strength to keep herself upright. Lucas's other arm wraps around her to steady her, but she doesn't even seem to notice.
"It's nice, there's something more real about this than a funeral," Maya admitted, knowing from the look on Lucas's face that he wasn't really listening, either.
"It would be better if my father didn't look one shot away from passing out," Lucas replied, his voice taking on an edge.
"Luke, you going to say something?" Pappy Joe questioned, as he shifted his way through the people and around the fire.
"What would be/ the point? These people don't have any idea what we're going through," Lucas pointed out, his grip tightening on Maya's hand, until she could feel the circulation being cut off.
"Some of them do," Pappy Joe replied, squeezing Lucas's shoulder, "And someone needs to represent the family. I'm worried that if your father says anything, we'll all regret it."
Lucas waited until someone, that Maya picked up was a neighbor, finished speaking and he cleared his throat, gaining the attention of everyone in the circle, "Nick and I grew up here. Our best memories are coming to this ranch and inevitably we would always end up at the lake. Mom used to be furious when we'd come back to the house soaking wet."
He paused as some of the group chuckled and Rebecca forced a smile that looked painful, before he continued, "There were ten years between me and Nick and I wasn't so sure that I wanted a brother. I'd begged for one when I was younger, but as a ten-year-old, having one felt a little bit late. I liked having my parent's attention and I wasn't sure that I wanted to share it with anyone else. That all changed when my father took me to meet him in the hospital, Nick was one of those kids, who you couldn't not like, from the very beginning. My mother told me that it was my job to look out for him and I've spent the last eight year trying to keep him safe."
"I wasn't always the best example and I didn't always make the right decisions, but Nick loved me, anyway. He saw the good in people, even when they couldn't see it in themselves. I think he'd be happy to know that we had brought him home to rest. He grew up loving the Texas sky and this was always his home. Losing him has been incredibly hard for my family, but Nick was in an incredibly amount of pain these last few years, and I believe that he's finally at peace. He'd be incredibly grateful that everyone is here, but I think that the best way each of us can honor his memory, is to hold onto his optimism and his unwavering belief. In behalf of my family, I'd just like to thank everyone for coming and for all of the support that you've given us."
Lucas trailed off and Maya smiled at him in reassurance.
Too soon, they're putting out the fire and Maya knows that there's one more step to laying Nick to rest. It all feels incredibly final and nothing about this seems right. Rebecca is mingling among the people who remain and Maya quickly loses track of her.
"I think your father had better stay here and sleep this off. I think he might be a bit much for your mother and you to manage," Pappy Joe informed them, as people talked in small groups and headed for their cars.
"I'll drop off a new suit in the morning," Lucas offered.
"You're a good kid," Pappy Joe assured him, "Your parents will pull things together, soon."
Lucas didn't look overly convinced, but he didn't say anything as Pappy Joe guided Travis back to the house.
"You shouldn't be alone, tonight," Maya turned her attention back to Lucas, "Maybe Farkle or Riley could stay with you."
"I'll be fine, my mother's there," Lucas shrugged her off.
"Lucas, she's all over the place. One minute she's catatonic and the next she's making small talk with everyone around her. You shouldn't be dealing with all of this on your own," Maya insisted.
"You ready to go, Maya?" Topanga interrupted, approaching her with Riley trailing along behind.
"I'm sorry," Riley offered, looking at Lucas uncertainly.
"Thanks, Riles," Lucas returned, sounding calmer then he had been minutes ago.
"Cory's waiting in the car," Topanga informed them and Maya could see her obvious discomfort.
"I think I'm going to go home with Lucas," Maya returned, knowing that she was in for an argument.
"We promised your mother that we wouldn't let you out of our sight," Topanga reminded her.
"Then I think that Riley should go home with Lucas," Maya shifted gears, watching as several emotions flickered across Topanga's face.
"That isn't going to happen," she said firmly and Maya could tell that Riley had no idea what to do or who to side with.
"What's going on?" Rebecca enquired, as she returned to Lucas's side.
"It's nothing, Mom, we were just saying goodbye," Lucas said, trying to cut off any further argument.
"I just suggested that maybe I should go home with you and help clean everything up," Maya countered, knowing that Lucas was annoyed with her persistence.
"That would be nice, actually," Rebecca admitted, "We're all going to the same place, tomorrow, anyway."
"I promised Maya's mother that I would keep her with us," Topanga informed her, shooting a glare at Maya for putting her in this situation.
"I can watch her just as well as you can," Rebecca's voice was something of a challenge and Topanga tensed at the words.
"Maya is a recovering drug addict and I'm not sure that she can be a help to anyone other than herself. She's supposed to be in rehab right now, but we got special permission to bring her and I'm not going to violate Katy's trust."
"Right, it would be a terrible thing to go against the wishes of the mother who couldn't pull herself together to go and bail her daughter out of jail and who didn't notice that Maya had a problem in the first place," Rebecca returned, her voice going cold.
"Riley, go wait in the car," Topanga demanded, as she raised herself to her full height.
"Mom," Riley protested, but one look from Topanga had her hurrying out towards the driveway.
"Katy is a good mother, a single mother, who loves her daughter and is trying to create the best life possible for her. Your son got kicked out of school for fighting, would you call Lucas making that choice a reflection on your parenting?" Topanga hissed.
"I'll go with you," Maya said, knowing that she had let the fight go too far as it was.
"Maya," Rebecca sighed and Maya turned her attention back to Lucas's mother.
"A few weeks ago, I overdosed on prescription painkillers. They're right not to trust me," Maya informed her, waiting to see the judgement that was sure to follow.
"Did you know?" Rebecca turned her attention to Lucas, who looked completely defeated after watching his mother and Topanga fight.
"It was right before Nick died and I didn't want to put one more thing on you," Lucas said quietly. An unreadable expression passed across her face before she straightened.
"Lucas's fighting was a reflection on my parenting, it was a reflection on what was going on at home. I suggest you consider that the next time that you decide to defend Maya's mother," Rebecca shifted her attention back to Topanga before stepping forward and pulling Maya into her arms, "I'm glad you're okay, Maya."
"I just admitted that I was a drug addict," Maya felt the need to remind her, "I lied, I stole, and I did horrible things."
"We've all done things that we're not proud of. Whatever mistakes you've made, you'll come back from them," Rebecca assured her, pressing a kiss into her hair before she pulled back, "I'm burying my son tomorrow, I think we'll go home, now."
"I'm sorry for your loss," Topanga offered, looking lost as she processed the exchange.
Rebecca's eyes drifted to Maya before she turned her attention to Topanga, "Not nearly as sorry as I am for yours."
The car ride back to the hotel is tense and no one dares to break the silence.
Maya sits with Lucas and his family at the graveside and she knows that she's not going to be welcome in the Mathew's house for a while. Topanga hadn't directly spoken to her since she'd forced Maya to call her mother that morning and Cory looked torn between following his wife's lead and trying to act like everything was normal.
Maya knew that Lucas and his family were religious and one of the steps of her recovery is believing in a power higher then herself, but she misses most of the service. She hasn't been to a lot of funerals, but the casket just looks so tiny. Nick's very presence had always been so large that she can't believe that he somehow manages to fit in there.
"What did you tell, Riley?" Lucas asks wearily, when the service is over.
"I told her that you looked like you needed some support and I stepped out of line. I didn't really think that she needed a recap of her mother and yours show down, but one does have to wonder how the two of you dated for so long when your parents were at each other's throats. It's very Romeo and Juliet," Maya snorted.
"I know my parents can be difficult, I tried to keep the interaction to a minimum," Lucas replied.
"You should talk to Riley," Maya suggested, looking over to where she was talking with Farkle and Zay.
"I don't think there's any fixing things with Riley and me. I think it's just better if we leave everything how it is," Lucas admitted, something haunted flashing through his eyes.
"I'll see you back in New York," Maya sighed, pulling him into a hug.
"You seem better," he admitted.
"It's a process, one day at a time," Maya snorted.
Maya gets into a sort of routine after being checked back into rehab. She spends mornings in group therapy, followed by breakfast, and then has a thirty-minute private session before Riley comes to visit her after school. Riley always comes with homework, which Maya doesn't enjoy doing, but she figures that if she ever wants to get away from her mother, she should at least try to boost her grades.
Riley always leaves just a little before Lucas comes to see her and she can't help wondering if they planned their visits in such a way that they're never face-to-face. Lucas had held firm on not trying to fix things with Riley, but Maya thinks that there may be more to it then what he's letting on. He occasionally looked hungover when he stops by to see her and his knuckles occasionally look bruised, like he's hit something.
Her mother visits twice a week and the visits are usually short and awkward. Maya's not entirely sure what to say with her and no amount of apologizing or insisting that she's changing, seems to satisfy Katy. She gets the feeling that Katy will just be waiting for her to mess up once she leaves and it puts a kind of weight on her shoulders that she wishes she could just put down.
Her other friends visit pretty regularly, too, and usually in packs. She gets the feeling that they're uncomfortable with visiting her in a place that operates a lot like a prison.
Despite the predictability of her life, there's something different about today. The morning goes exactly how she expects it to and Riley shows up to pick up yesterday's homework and drop off todays. However, Lucas doesn't show at his designated time and she finds herself starting to worry.
"Maya," a new voice greets her and Maya looks up from the couch that she's been doing her homework on.
"Mrs. Friar," Maya greets her in surprise, a feeling of dread settling in her stomach. The pessimist in her is terrified that something is wrong.
"I know Lucas usually visits you at this time, but he's helping with baseball tryouts today. I think he might try to stop by later," Rebecca informed her, taking a seat across from her.
"I think he mentioned something about that, but whenever he starts talking about sports I tend to zone out," Maya admitted, setting aside her work.
"I was going to stop by sooner, but it's taken me awhile to pull myself together," Rebecca admitted. Lucas had mentioned that his parents fighting had increased and that his mother was barely leaving the house, but Maya didn't feel the need to admit that to his mother.
"I appreciate you stopping by at all," Maya assured her.
"I wanted to talk to you in Texas, but things got so busy," Rebecca admitted, "And the Mathews' and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye."
"Right," Maya agreed, unsure how she was supposed to respond to that.
"I don't know what Lucas had told you, but I assume that you're close, so I would guess that you know most of our skeletons," Rebecca offered, straightening in her seat, "Things have been hard on him."
"I know," Maya replied, hoping that Rebecca wasn't going to ask her to list all of the things that Lucas had told her.
"I spent some time in a rehab facility like this," Rebecca admitted and Maya found herself looking at Lucas's mother in shock, "I had severe postpartum depression after Lucas and Nick, which is why we stopped with the two boys and there was such a gap between them. I abused sleeping pills and antidepressants for a long time before I knew that I needed to get help, to be a better mother. I'm not sure that Travis ever entirely understood and our marriage has never entirely recovered. I tried to protect the boys, they thought that I was visiting my sister, but you can never be entirely sure what your children will pick up on. My point is, everyone makes mistakes, Maya, we all have our own challenges to face. You can come back from this. You're young and you have your entire life in front of you."
"I don't think Lucas knows," Maya admitted, trying to wrap her mind around what his mother had just told her.
"Sometimes we don't tell the people that we love things because we want to protect them," Rebecca offered and Maya picked up on the subtle hint that Rebecca didn't want her to say anything to him.
"How can you tell when you're doing something to protect someone else or to protect yourself?" Maya questioned, thinking of her confrontation with Topanga.
"When the pain telling them would cause them, weighs more than the pain of having them see you differently," Rebecca offered, her tone thoughtful.
The days have a way of blurring together in her mind and Maya finds herself trying to hold onto anything that makes them feel unique or real. She sometimes wonders if all of this is just a dream and in reality she's lying in a coma somewhere.
"Maya," someone greets her, and she looks up from the blank sketchbook that she's been staring at for the last three days.
"Your finals week must have been killer, it lasted for something like a month," Maya offered, closing the book and crossing her legs.
"I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner," Josh offers, sitting next to her instead of across from her as Rebecca had done. Maya had been counting on having an entire coffee table between them and of all the things to notice, it's his smell that's throwing her off. It's the pastries that they make at Topanga's and something that screams, "Home," to her, not that she figures anything relating to the Mathews' will ever feel like home again.
"I'm not your problem, anymore. Everyone knows how badly I've messed up and I'm clearly getting the help that I need," Maya informed him, gesturing around the room.
"You look better, healthier," Josh said quietly, his eyes tracing her face.
"Is that a nice way of saying that I've gained weight?" Maya asked, a smile playing at the edges of her mouth.
"No, it's more than that, it's the way your eyes glow again. They don't look quite so defeated," he corrected her.
"You didn't come all the way here after all this time to comment on my eyes," Maya snorted, trying not to show how his words affected her.
"I didn't want to complicate your recovery," he informed her, "I thought both of us needed some space to heal."
"From your breakup?" Maya cut him off, wondering how he could compare that to almost dying of a drug overdose.
"Seeing you almost die, forced me to face some things that I wasn't ready to deal with, yet. I just needed some time to catch my breath," he argued, his eyes pleading with her to understand, "And, yeah, Bethany wasn't thrilled with some of the choices that I made and I wasn't sure that I was ready to let go of what I had with her."
"I think I'm missing about half this conversation," Maya informed him, "You're not making a lot of sense."
"You almost died, you almost ceased to exist," he said slowly, his eyes blazing, "And I would have done anything to keep you here. I wasn't ready to deal with what that meant."
"What does that mean?" Maya asked, finding herself suddenly breathless.
He scooted the several feet of distance between them and she was suddenly aware of every point of content, as he slowly reached up and brushed a strand of hair from her face.
"Maya, I," he didn't get to finish the end of his lips suddenly descended on hers.
She's kissing him, or maybe he's kissing her, and she's not entirely sure how they found themselves in this situation. It had started with talking and she's pretty sure that neither of them had had any intention for it to go beyond that.
She's just waiting for him to pull away and tell her that this entire thing is a mistake, but he doesn't seem to notice her hesitance. One of his hands is tangled in her hair and the other is wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. She remembers talking about wanting to burn, but there's something about this that leaves her worried that when it ends there won't be anything of her left, but ash.