A/N: OMG! I must have went over this chapter a good 30-40 times. No joke. I wanted it out before Christmas, but that just wasn't going to happen. So, as per usual I made it long to make up for the lack of story. I know there's bound to be spelling and grammar issues...but I'm over it. LOL. I hope you all enjoy regardless of my neglect in the grammatical area. Remember R&R!

Disclaimer : Marvel owns the rights to most of these characters, accept Chrissy, she's mine!

Chapter 11 : Tired

How's he ever suppose to sleep or even shut his eyes ever again? He was wide awake and conscious when he had lost full control or any sense of reality. Look how that turned out.

Days have passed since the last attempt to sleep. Chrissy somehow finally persuades the Soldier to at least try and rest. Staying awake as long as she can with her friend, by the fire, on the couch or in her room. Bucky's giving up and pulling away. The only time he seems even a little bit at ease is when she's by his side, reminding the Soldier where he is, who he is. Hands never far from his being, words of reassurance keeping him calm.

For almost a week, Bucky seems to be trying to avoid her or being in the house. Chrissy finds it a bit odd that when she sits near him or walks pass him, Bucky moves over slightly. Just enough to say they aren't making physical contact. He's barely said more than a few words to her all week. It's enough for her to take notice and grow concerned. Obviously he's fighting something internally, but Bucky's been pretty open with her lately, so if something's bothering him, wouldn't he come to her with it?

As the days pass, his mood changes. The man becomes more quiet, more distant. Bucky's spending more time alone, more time outdoors. Late at night, when the house is quiet, that's when he heads inside. Chrissy's usually fast asleep on the sofa with a book folded on her lap. Her way of letting him know that she's never far, trying to wait up for him, wanting to make sure he's alright. Each time the woman falls asleep in the living room and each time she wakes up in her bed. Every time, without saying a word, without making a sound, after he carries Chrissy upstairs, the Soldier heads for his room, showers and then waits downstairs, staying up till the sunrises. Then he's back outside. Working, wandering, tinkering, thinking.

Chrissy makes sure to have plenty of meals ready and packaged for him in the fridge. To her dismay, hardly anything is ever touched. She hasn't really seen him in a few days, but guaranteed he's lost weight. Chrissy's giving him space, but eventually she'll have to intervene. This is a destructive behavior and she can't let it continue much longer. But she needs to give him the chance to try and sort it out on his own. One more day, she tells herself.

She can hear the Soldier when he trains or when he's punishing the punching bag. The liquor and coffee in the home seems to be the only thing he's been touching. Yeah, this needs to stop. Logan said he would be arriving in a few days, but something needs to be done about this before the Wolverine arrives. A fueled and angry Bucky will not be something that will help the situation.

Tomorrow morning, Chrissy decides that she'll make breakfast and check in on him. Maybe after everything that happened in B.C he's afraid to be around her. Maybe with her giving him the space she thought he needed, she unintentionally displayed a sense of discomfort around him. Crap.

"Honestly, I thought you were calling to talk about British Columbia." The Captain admits after his friend finishes confessing his current dilemma. "I'm surprised you even want to talk to me at all after…"

The Soldier doesn't understand why Steve would assume such a thing. Bucky was the one with shaky fingers as he dialed the Captain's number. He wasn't sure what the other man was going to say or if he would even want to hear from him. "You weren't the one that brutally killed a bunch of people." He reminds.

"No. But I'm the one that put you in that situation. I'm sorry Buck." There's a small pause. "How you holding up?"

"Fine. I'm not fond of what I did, but it's what I do. And I have done worse." The Soldier scoffs. "That's not why I called."

Unconvinced, the Captain sighs. "Right. Well, have you spoken with Chris about any of this?" Steve knows the answer but has to ask.

"You're joking right?" Bucky scoffs and takes a seat on a nearby log. "No. Course not."

"I think you're worrying too much."

"Really? How so?" Maybe calling Steve was a bad idea. From what he can remember the guy wasn't that great when it came to the opposite sex to begin with.

"Buck come on. She's a pretty girl. So you're not blind. Big deal." The Captain sighs, this really is a minimal issue, considering recent events. "And not to mention you've been kind of busy the past few years. It's not like you made time for anything other then...well your work." Steve clears his throat, trying to be as subtle as possible. "It's not unusual for two people to develop feelings for each other over time. Especially when they go through alot together."

"But I don't want things to change between us." The way he can go to her with anything, and she's able to sooth his tension. The friendly banters they have back and forth. The way their time is spent together, he enjoys all of that and doesn't want to risk it, for anything. Can't it all just go back to the way it was before?

"Well, it kind of has though. Regardless, do you think you can go back to the same mindframe as before?" Steve asks, trying to prove a point. "You should talk to her."

"No. Absolutely not." Bucky's stern.

"What would you do if you found out she wanted something more?"

Why is that notion so terrifying? "I couldn't...I don't need to mess up her life as well." He sighs, she deserves better. "It's bad enough that I'm here."

"I think you're being a bit too harsh there pal. Besides, shouldn't that be her decision? If she didn't like having you around, then you wouldn't be there. Chrissy's kind and loving, not illogical." Steve's turn to exhale. "Or are you just afraid of her not feeling the same?"

That's he's not so sure. "Dunno." He tosses a stick for Jake to chase. "Maybe a little from column A and B."

"Are you in love with her?" Steve waits and hears nothing, just pure silence, not even the other man's breathing. "There's nothing wrong with that. And listen, I won't say anything."

Bucky lets out a breath, his hand running over his mouth. He can feel his sweat on his brow, what the hell? Guess that's his problem, someone just needed to point it out. He loves Chrissy, good God the poor woman. "I can't...I won't tell her…"

Steve sighs. "You're not going to take off, are you?"

"I can't…" Bucky admits. He might not be able to express his feelings to this woman, but it'll take death or her orders for him to leave. "I won't leave her alone…"

"I still think you should say something. What if she feels the…" Steve's trying to get through his thick skull.

Bucky picks up the stick that Jake brings back and tosses it in the field once more. "No...if she does...I won't be able to do the right thing...this way here she can find a good guy. One who doesn't go berserk and kill people." He scoffs anxiously while shuffling his boots around in the dirt.

Steve is quiet before he speaks. "Buck. You really think that will happen with you there threatening to kill anyone who touches her." Steve laughs. "Chris isn't the 'dating' type. It just won't happen. She...well...it's not my place to say anything. She's happy around you. I see it. Tony sees it and hates it. So there's something there…"

"No." Bucky bites his lip. "Just…no..."

"Alright." Steve sighs. "Listen. Think about it, but don't let it consume you. She'll figure out that there's something going on and pry it out if you dwell on it." Little does Steve know that Bucky's pretty sure that this gal has a few ideas of what might be bothering him, but he decides not to mention it.

"Yeah."

"You sure are working in here lots again these days." It's early morning, Chrissy's in the workshop bringing her friend a bite to eat. "Got something on your mind?"

Bucky knows she's not an imbecile, but he can't bring himself to deceive her. "Just working through some frustrations." He shrugs his shoulders. It's not a lie but it's not the entire truth either.

"You haven't been sleeping." She knows, because when he's in his room Bucky has nightmares most of the times and she hasn't heard him shouting. And he hasn't spent the night in her room for over a week. The dark circles under his eyes, also another clue.

"I haven't." A deep exhale as he takes a seat.

Purposely, Chrissy positions herself near the man and rests a hand on his shoulder. When he stands quickly and tries to make himself look busy, she crosses her arms. "Alright, that's enough. Out with it."

"With what?" The Soldier raises a brow in her direction, playing dumb. Fooling no one.

"You may be some super assassin, but you suck at lying to people you care about." She sees him wince at this. "I'm not going to drop the subject until you tell me what's up with you. You're not yourself."

"Myself?" He licks his lips and smiles. "You don't even know if how I've been all this time is really my regular self." He waves her off. Clearly annoyed. Bucky's trying to piss her off so that she leaves. It's not working the way he wants it to. "Neither do I."

"Really?" The woman grins, she's seen something similar before with other people. Denial. He looks smug and that right there almost has her laughing, the only person Bucky's fooling here is himself. Chrissy takes a step closer and he takes one back. Head held high like he's an unmovable object. "So me being near you is a problem all of a sudden?"

His jaw clenches. "And if it is?" Already, he regrets this behavior and tone. Disrespectful, rude, with her, never. What's wrong with him? Ungrateful prick. He exhales, wanting to apologize, but doesn't.

"Well I'd have to respect your wishes and your space." Chrissy pockets her hands and takes a few steps back, and this action pains his heart. "But don't expect me to stop worrying about you just because you're going through something you don't think I can relate to. And if you're trying to distance yourself, I can understand that...but you're going about it the wrong way. You could just say that's what you want or need. Nothing wrong with that. I'm here for you regardless."

His tongue glides over his teeth and he dips his head. She's right. Bucky doesn't want anything to change between them. The way he's going about this could actually hurt their friendship not save it. And everything he's going through, maybe she wouldn't be able to understand. Does that mean he should try to figure it out on his own?

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." A low almost inaudible whisper. "I just...I need to not be around anyone for a bit...if that's alright." He takes a few steps closer, hand rubbing at his arm.

"Of course." She sighs and her expression softens. "Don't ever feel like there's something you can't ask or tell me. Alright? I'm not offended. Sometimes people need time and space to think and be alone." She takes his hand, squeezes it and turns to leave. His grip tightens and he pulls her back gently into a hug.

"I really am sorry." Is he sniffling? He must be so confused.

"It's alright. We're good." When she pulls away, a smile on her lips, she looks up and sees that he's completely miserable. Brow creasing with concern, Chrissy rubs a thumb over his cheekbone and he leans into her touch, lingering in the sensation. Obviously he has missed their contact and closeness. "Oh sweetie, what's wrong?" She feels horrible, why is he so upset?

Quickly, details from the last few weeks are running through her mind. Other than the recent missions, she can't think of anything else that would cause this man so much grief. He hasn't said or suggested that the recent events are still bothering him. So maybe he's still hiding inner struggles about that. Maybe there was a nightmare or random memory he hasn't told her about. "You can tell me anything, remember?"

Bucky nods and rests his forehead on hers and remains silent. Arms flexing around her shoulders, holding her close. She rubs his back and tries to remain as supportive as possible. "I'm not going anywhere. It's ok. I'm not angry with you. Just worried. Ok?"

Eyes are closed as he nods against her skin. A tear escapes and trails down the side of his face. Seriously, what is with this man? Quickly Chrissy wipes the moisture with her hand and places a kiss on the Soldier's cheek. She's at a lost as to what she should do. He went from not being able to have her anywhere near him, to trying to pull her into his skin.

"How about we head inside?" She suggests and he doesn't move. "Do you want me to call Steve?"

Still not moving he sighs. "No...thanks. I just need a bit of time to sort through my head...I'm sorry I can't figure out a way to explain it better."

"That's alright. Don't worry about it. Just...if you need someone to talk to…" Chrissy's not budging, she'll leave when he's ready for her to.

That night, Bucky finally sits at the dining table and eats supper. Chrissy's ecstatic to see that he's eating again, but doesn't make a big deal over it. Later he helps with the dishes in silence. It's a bit odd considering he hasn't been in the house much, but it's nice to have him nearby again, even if he's unusually quiet. Even Bucky's not usually this silent.

Chance is rolling around tugging at his owners pant leg. Then, Chrissy sees it. For the first time in days. A smile.

Bucky picks up the hyper kitten and pets it's tiny head. "Milk?" He asks like as if the tiny thing will answer. He pulls out the carton of milk and a small saucer. The kitten is purring as it drinks the cold liquid.

"No offence but you look horribly exhausted." Chrissy rinses a few dishes and places them on the rack. "Why don't you go pick a movie and I'll finish up here. Ok?"

Exhaling, Bucky does as she requests. Choosing something at random, what the hell is Zombieland? Whatever, that's the first thing that he grabbed. He sits on the sofa and waits for Chrissy to make her way into the living room. When she settles in the oversized chair a little too far away he sighs dropping his shoulders. This space, it hurts. And it pains him that this is something he can't admit out loud. She's only doing what he asked and he hates it. Unintentionally, Bucky's staring at her.

"Bucky?" Chrissy's questioning him. "I asked if you were going to start the movie." He blinks a few times in her direction and she offers a weary smile.

"Can...you sit over here? With me?" He's probably confusing the hell out of her and he feels horrible. Chrissy picks up her blanket without hesitating and sits at the opposite end of the couch. Lips turning up in a warm smile.

Content, Bucky pushes play. Looking at the woman from the corner of his eye every few minutes, he caves. Tossing the remote onto the table, he stretches out on the sofa and rests the side of his face on her chest. Instantly her fingers are combing through his hair. She doesn't mock, question or push him away, only continues to smooth back his dark hair, causing him to feel incredibly spent. Comfortable, warm, near.

"Why on earth did you pick this one?" She laughs, and it's as though nothing has changed between them.

Bucky lets out a puff of air. "Honestly I didn't care what I grabbed...just wanted to lie here...like this." A confession. He sounds groggy and tired. Muscles are screaming, brain is shutting down. How he desperately needs sleep.

Chrissy drapes the blanket over him and he's enveloped in soothing warmth. This is how they are suppose to be. Not at a distance and not all weird. He relaxes against her and sighs, content with their current arrangement. "I'm tired." He admits as a yawn escapes his mouth.

"I know sweetie. Want to go to bed?" His arms around her tighten. Afraid that she may just leave him alone, by himself, with his thoughts, worries and nightmares to keep him company, awake. Skeletons, ghosts, pain and so much death.

"I'm good here with you... if that's alright." Not having any sleep for the past seven days has taken its toll on him. He's not moving from this spot, and if he's frank he could probably fall asleep anywhere. Preferably, with her near.

"Course it is." Chrissy kisses his forehead and brings her attention to the Zombie flick. Right. This is different. She's not exactly a monster or horror flick person.

The movie is finishing for a second time when she decides to turn it off and just get comfortable. Looks like this is where they are bunking tonight. The Soldier's been sleeping this entire time, she can't bring herself to wake him. Chrissy squirms down further and tries to get comfortable. Even with the weight of this man against her frame and his belt digging into her hip, she's determined to get some rest.

Jakes loud bark and a knock at the door is what wakes them at six in the morning. "What the..." Bucky leaves the warmth of the sofa with a disapproving grunt. "Charlotte what the hell? No warning?"

"My apologies Sergeant Barnes but I didn't wish to wake you. You haven't slept in seven days. Victor was only..."

"Yeah...Alright." He cuts the A.I mid sentence. "Still...next time say something. And it's Bucky..." Had there had been a weapon near by, he probably would have been alarmed enough to use it.

"Noted."

Adjusting his clothing and running a hand through his hair, Bucky opens the door to see the delivery truck leaving. Looks like Victor stopped in and left a few large boxes by the door. Quickly and with barely any effort Bucky places the parcels inside and heads back to the sofa. He lifts the blanket and settles back down beside his sleeping friend.

"Probably the clothes I ordered for you." The woman begins to move and he flexes his arms keeping her in place. "You still tired? Why don't you go get some proper rest in your bed?" His arms squeeze again, his way of telling her to be quiet. Stay put.

"Come on we should at least eat." He's not budging, Chrissy sighs. "Let's get some stuff done. I promise, if you need to we can sleep like this tonight. Ok? We're good, remember?"

Surprising even himself, Bucky hadn't realized how much he missed this, how much he missed her, and her presence.

"Can we lie here like this for a bit longer?" He's exhausted and just maybe, a bit lonely.

"Want me to run my hands through your hair?" A quick nod. Maybe he just needs reassurance and company. After a few minutes he takes one of her hands and kisses the top of it.

"Thanks...for not getting frustrated, angry or insulted. I don't know what's going on with me most times and it comes off the wrong way. I'm sorry you have to deal with that." His metallic thumb is tracing small circles on the back of her hand.

"That's why I'm here. To help you sort through everything. Part of the job description." The woman giggles as she pushes his bangs behind his ear.

"But it's more then that. We're...friends...I'm not just some person who walked in here with the intent on getting better and leaving…"

"True. And yes we're friends." She smiles at him and that right there makes everything better. "I care about you." He's looking up at her, he's cared for and that's making him feel weird inside. But it's a nice kind of weird. Warm.

"I care about you too...that's why I was staying away...if that makes sense." He scoffs. Even he finds this explanation ridiculous.

"It doesn't. But it's ok. Sometimes we do strange things if we think it'll keep the people close to us from being hurt."

This is true. All he was trying to do was not take out his frustrations on her. Or accidentally kill her in one of his outbursts or nightmares. But then there's also the stuff he talked with Steve about. All things that could technically hurt her.

Bucky decides to sit up and he lingers a little too long by her face. Eyes studying her facial expressions. Breath against her cheek. "We should start the day." He smiles and gets up from the cushions. Her eyes are honest, there's no hint of anything beyond warmth and support in her bright orbs. She's still not afraid of him. Crazy, stubborn woman.

Chrissy manages to return his smile, although a little unsure of what her gut is telling her. "I'm starving and in terrible need of a shower."

"You smell fine to me. My Cologne suits you." He laughs and she smacks him playfully. There, everything is back to normal.

A distraction. It's needed. Somehow, Chrissy's able to convince the Soldier that they need to get away for a few hours. He's a little more cautious and paranoid since the last mission, who can blame the poor guy. Chrissy's amazed that she's even able to get him to go along with the idea at all. They head into town and decide to get a few things that's needed around the farm.

Bucky's balancing a knife in his palm, the weight of the handle is off. He places it back on the counter and takes the next one the store clerk hands him. Turning the blade over between his fingers a few times, this one could work, it's light and small.

"Three of these."

"No problem. Nice choice by the way." The thin man behind the counter pulls out an additional two throwing knives and a small black tactical pouch. "Comes with it." He hands the blades over so the other man can inspect them. "That everything?"

The Soldier nods and waits for the man to ring his purchase through.

"There you are." Chrissy leans on the countertop and studies the contents in the glass. "That woman over there has been checking you out this entire time." She beams, lifting an amused brow.

Annoyed, Bucky sighs and hands his credit card to the man behind the cash. "I know. You do remember what it is I used to do... for a living...right?" Alright, he didn't make a living or any cash at all, but they kept him alive. Same shit different pile. He takes the small bag from the clerk and brings his attention to Chrissy. "She did that last time too...it's a bit unsettling." He shrugs his shoulders.

"You've talked to her before?" Why does Chrissy seem so interested in this? Even happy.

The Soldier shrugs his shoulders and heads for the door, Chrissy's matching his steps. "At the hardware store, when we found Chance. She was going on about some coffee shop." He rolls his eyes.

Chrissy laughs, either he doesn't get when a woman's flirting with him or just doesn't care. "So she was hinting around. And you didn't ask her out? Why not? She's cute." Chrissy's glancing over her shoulder at the other woman. "Maybe it would be good to…"

"Are you out of your mind? No." What's wrong with this woman? He's barely stable enough to be around people he trusts, the last thing he needs is for something to happen around a civilian. And dating? He has no interest or need. Why? He can't really answer that. Just no. Nope. Nuh uh.

Pressing her lips together, Chrissy tries to hide her amusement. "Well I don't think it matters, because it looks like she's heading this way." Really, this would probably be good for him. Something normal to help remind him of what being human feels like. Another distraction that he'd probably benefit from.

"What? No…" Eyes full of panic, he pleads with his friend to help him. "I can't...and I'm not sure I'd be all that polite about it."

"Alright." Chrissy smiles and leans into him, her arm wrapping around his waist. "This should give the right impression." She winks up at him as he pulls her close, hand gripping at her shoulder like a life preserver.

"I owe you one." He rests the side of his face against her forehead. They leave the store and walk down the street. The woman from the hardware store nowhere in site. There's no longer any need for them to continue on like a fake happy couple, but there's no rush to push Chrissy from his side either.

"She went the other way." Chrissy begins pulling away from him, her grip around Bucky's frame loosening.

The Soldier's arm keeps her in place. "So?" Is there a reason she doesn't wish to be close with him in public? This he has a hard time understanding. Maybe he just misunderstood, because she smiles up at him and hugs his side gently.

"As long as I don't tarnish your reputation." She giggles and isn't surprised to hear him laugh.

"Yeah. I'm no Saint." He clears his throat and hands her the bag with the knives in it. "This is for you." When the woman raises a brow at him, Bucky laughs lightly.

"You know, if you're trying to get on my good side, cake and wine works just as well...if not better." She shakes her head and takes the plastic bag. "Because items from the local hunting and sporting goods store, not really my thing."

"You said you know how to throw a blade." Bucky shakes his head. "It's something that's easily concealed and when all else fails, it's better to have it and not need it…"

"Then to need it and not have it." She sighs, God he sounds just like Connor and Logan. "That's why I keep you around. You're handy like that. I don't have a need for things like this."

"Thanks." He snickers. "I won't always be around." A sad admission. "Trust me, this is something you should have as a just in case. Your line of work. The people you come into contact with. Me. There's plenty of reasons to keep practicing stuff like this."

"Fine." Finally she agrees. "But no more after this." She holds the bag up and wiggles it. "The way I see it. The world is what you make it. If I go around expecting something bad to happen, then I'm inviting it in."

"Or if you're not prepared, you die." The hand on her shoulder tightens. He'd rather have her around for a lot longer.

"Then it's just my time." She pats his hand. "We all have an expiration date. I'd rather enjoy the time that I do have and make the most of it while I'm here."

That's actually a good way to look at it. A positive outlook on life, maybe he can try to have the same kind of mindset. "I'd like to be able to live like that...I don't know if I can." This is as honest as he's ever been. It would be nice to just breathe and not count the seconds in between his next breath.

"How about I help with that." She sees a small thin smile play on his lips. "Let's make a bit of a deal. I'll make sure to keep these near by and learn to be a bit more 'safe' and you will try to learn to let go a little."

Chewing on his lip as he mulls this over, Bucky decides that it's not that bad of a compromise. "Deal." He'll be a bit more at ease knowing she's being a little more vigilant about her safety and he'll learn to 'live' a little more.

When they reach the Chevy, Chrissy pushes her hair behind her ears. Bucky is a bit concerned about the feeling in his gut when she separates from him. When he opens the door she smiles up at him.

"What?" He snickers.

"Nothing." She grabs hold of his gloved hand. "You're a nice guy." The Soldier smirks and shakes his head. "You really should have at least tried to talk to that woman. Never know, maybe something good could have come of it."

"No thanks. One crazy woman in my life is more than enough." He places a light kiss on her forehead and pulls her into a hug.

Resting her head under his chin, Chrissy squeezes his ribs. This is the first time he has shown affection beyond the safety of the farm. Baby Steps, Chrissy is so proud of his progress, but can't continually praise, she assumes that would do more damage than good.

It's an odd thing for the universe to do, to have two men whose lives have intertwined so many times, but to have neither of them remember it. As they sit by the fire, sipping on cold beer, Bucky can tell that Logan is looking back at him with the same thought process running through his brain. A slight feeling of deja vu. He barely knows this man, but deep down he feels respect for Logan. Why?

"Chris told me about Caesar." The Wolverine shakes his head. "Always told her that one day these damned animals would get her hurt...or worse." He snickers as he gazes back towards the other Soldier. Eyes dark and serious, the metaphor understood.

Bucky clenches his jaw, the other man has a point. "Yeah...told her the same thing actually."

"Well at least you have some common sense about yah. We're dangerous people." Logan leans back in the chair, the wood creaks under the pressure. "So let's cut to the chase. Chris isn't around…so you don't have to worry none about being polite or washing down details."

"Uh...pardon?" Bucky licks his lips, he's a bit lost as to where their conversation is headed.

"You know why she had Cap call me." He sees the other man nod. "She gave me the quick version of what's going on when I got here."

Right, now Bucky feels put on the spot. But from what Chrissy has told him, this man's probably one of the only people that can actually understand or maybe even make sense of any of the things that he's going through.

"Says you have nightmares, blackouts...among other things. Also, you're working lots with the animals and finding different ways to keep yourself occupied. You might even be thick enough to think it's working. Keep busy and you don't have to think or dwell on things as much." The other Soldier is quiet, Logan doesn't need him to respond in order to get the answer he needs. "That's good...in away. But it's horse shit and you know it."

Bucky locks eyes with the other man. "I don't know what else to do." Feels kind of relieving to admit that out loud.

"First thing's first, Buckaroo. She can help. Speaking from experience. Sure, she can't fix everything...men like us don't deserve that anyways." Wolverine hands the other man another beer and opens one for himself. "So let her help. Try the things she suggests. Been doing this a long ass time."

Bucky's chewing at his inner lip, maybe he should listen to this man.

"What more do you have to lose? You're going to think this is funny, but she's the reason I got into meditating." He sees Bucky raise a brow. "Ain't nothing wrong with it, and it's not for everyone. But it's calmed me, some. Chris told me you write and work...with the animals, with your craft." Logan pats the arm of the chair he's sitting in. "You also hunt." His eyes are examining the other man.

"Yeah." Bucky shrugs.

"By the way she tells it. The horses, the farm...all of this." Wolverine waves a hand over the view of the property. "This is your peace, your meditation. But you can't keep forcing all the other crap back down and burying it. That'll just make things worse in the end. That's how you lose yourself, lose control."

Bucky lets out a puff of breath and drags a hand over his face. "I know…it's just...when I remember or my brain wanders around in those memories, I get lost. And then it's like, I'm there watching it happen all over again. I can't change what happened. It was me, but it wasn't."

Logan nods. The Wolverine seems to understand. "I've got more demons than most kid...it's taken me years to figure this out, take my advice. You need to admit what you are, what you were and own it. You don't go hunting because you can...you're a predator. I don't care what Rogers calls it. That's what you are. So you can keep doing what you're doing here...nothing wrong with that. You can also choose to do what you do best."

There's a noise of metal sliding when Wolverine pops the claws out of his right fist. "No one said you can't do both or just one. It's your choice. But own all of it. The good with the bad."

"Does it get better?" He's referring to the pain of the memories and the feeling of guilt and disgust.

Wolverine retracts his claws. "Somedays are better than others. I still don't remember everything. I'm not even really sure how old I am." The Canadian man laughs. "I know I'm a lot older than you. There are some nights I wake up from dreams about people and I can't even remember their names. Sometimes I still get flashes of memories here and there. I'll never remember everything...but I try to focus on each day and the people around me that matter. But I never forget what I am, what I've been through and what I'm capable of."

"You're not afraid of what you could do...to any of them?" The Soldier shifts in his seat.

"Sure. At one point in time I even went as far as living in the wilds...not sure for how long. Maybe months, maybe years. Thought it was best. I was wrong." Logan tosses some wood into the flames and smiles warmly. God he hates being cold and he assumes that the kid with the metal arm probably feels the same way. "It's up to me to keep the beast at bay...and it's been worth it. It can be for you as well kid. You have a chance here."

"I know…" Why can't he verbalize more or maybe even ask more in depth questions?

"Chris ain't never gonna turn you away either. She put up with me...I was no sunday picnic."

Buckys laughs lightly and stares into the flames, a million thoughts going through his mind.

"Tell you what. I'll stay a few days. Gives you a chance to think of anything you might want to ask or just go over. We can spar a little, see how rusty you've gotten." The other man grins at this prospect. "I know you've been having more violent outbursts and nightmares lately...Chris said you haven't slept much."

"I'm just…" God it feels weird admitting things out loud, maybe even a bit embarrassing. "Terrified...of what I might do. I'm not me in that state of mind. Does that make sense or does it sound a bit nuts?"

"Nah, I get it. Well, you're going to get some rest tonight." Logan can see that the other man is about to protest, so he raises his hand. "Trust me. Something happens, I'll be here."

"I'd kill you." A sad confession. Bucky shakes his head.

Wolverine snickers and downs the rest of his Sleeman. "No kid, you'd try. Won't happen, I don't die easy."

Bucky's eyes drift to Chrissy's windows. "But she can…"

"You'd have to get through me first, and that won't happen. Listen, you can't go on forever with no sleep, doesn't work. You'll make things worse. In order for your brain to heal it needs rest, just like the rest of your body."

A man's floating in liquid, in a large glass prison. A mask strapped to his face, tubes and wires attached and inserted into his flesh. Machines are beeping, heart rate and breathing constantly being monitored. The Asset scans his surroundings, something about this damp room sets off a flurry of emotions in his core that he can't understand. The next thing he knows, his hands are pulling at the machines monitoring the other man. Why is this scene bothering him so much?

Without thought or reason, The Asset pulls out his handgun, points it at the base of the glass and fires off five rounds. The tube shatters and liquid spills across the room bringing the naked man with it. An alarm is going off, red lights are flashing. Great. Quickly his eyes are searching the surveillance screens, looking for an exit. Finding one that's suitable, the Asset makes his way next to the man.

There's an animalistic grunt. The Asset waits, nothing, no movement. So he pulls off the mask and most of the wires. Just as he's about to lift the man, he feels the cool sting of three blades resting below his adam's apple. His eyes drift down to the wild, terrified man. He doesn't move.

Another grunt. The Asset motions with his chin towards the door and raises his hands. "You need to move, they are coming for us." Cautiously, he takes a step back. The other man has his hand and claws still pointing in his direction. "Go. I'll take care of it." Why does he care if this man makes it out alive? And why does he seem...familiar? Again the Asset motions for the captive to make his escape. "Go!"

The sound of people rushing towards the room is heard. He's going to regret this. It's going to to be painful, of that he's certain.

Why does his jaw hurt? Jesus Christ, was he hit by a truck? Groaning, Bucky slowly rotates his jaw. Wincing, the Soldier realizes that he's lying face down on the floor. Vision blurry, he pushes up on shaking hands and arms. The area is dark, it's his room. Fresh warm blood pools in his mouth and his left side screams in agony. Did his wounds reopen?

When the Soldier comes to a full stand, he can see Logan standing in front of Chrissy, his left arm holding her back. Wait a minute, Logan's shielding her, from him? Why? What's going on?

"Oh God, what happened? Did I hurt anyone?" Bucky's backing up while checking his hands. If he did something, there'd be evidence. Please don't let there be blood on his knuckles.

"Nah you didn't get that far. Not for lack of trying though." Wolverine licks his lip, there's blood on his face, but no wound. What the hell? "Are you good or do you need me to smack you around a bit more?"

Bucky sits down at the edge of his bed, still staring at his hands. His eyes protest when Chrissy turns on the lamp. Within a few moments, she hands Logan a damp cloth and makes her way next to Bucky.

"Let me take a look...you don't heal like Logan does." When she pushes the hair back from his face, the Soldier pulls away. "Bucky, you're bleeding. Let me clean you up a bit."

"I could have killed you." He whispers while staring at her from the corner of his eyes. "I could have killed you and I wouldn't even remember how it happened. I'd just wake up bloody...and…" He can feel the moisture building in his eyes. Bucky rotates his shoulders and shakes of the feeling of dread.

"Stop." She hushes him. "You didn't do anything to me. I heard you shouting. Came to check on you and you were already out of bed. You asked me if I was alright…" Seeing him relax, Chrissy begins wiping the blood from his face and forehead. "That's when Logan showed up. You thought he was going to hurt me so you attacked him."

Eyes wide, his focus lands on Logan. "I don't remember…" He begins to stand, he should apologize, offer this man something, what, he doesn't know. God he feels horrible. "I didn't mean…"

"No big deal bub." Wolverine finishes wiping the blood from his face. "Good thing you hit like an old man." A side smirk.

Really, grandpa jokes from this fossil? Bucky sits back down and lets Chrissy finish up. "I'm sorry." His head is hanging low, shame is becoming something he's growing accustomed to.

"There's nothing to apologize for." Chrissy smiles gently and nods in Logan's direction. "We're good here. Thanks Logan."

"You sure?" His gaze is serious, but he knows better than anyone that Chrissy is the best when it comes to judging a sensitive situation. She nods and sports a gracious smile. "I'll be in Caps room if you need me...it's the closest."

Bucky's staring at the other man's retreating form. "He was there…" Shock is setting in, that's why there's a feeling of recognition. "I helped him escape. They had him locked up...similar to how I was being kept. Only he was in some sort of liquid."

The Soldier looks up at Chrissy who's standing in front of him, waiting patiently. "Do you remember anything else?" Bucky shakes his head. "Well maybe you can talk to him about it in the morning, might help the both of you in the end. He still has many gaps to fill as well."

"Yeah…" But there's still that feeling, the same one he had in the dream. Bucky knew this man before he helped him back then. How? Maybe that's something he can discuss with the Wolverine. "I'm sore...what'd he hit me with?" He rubs his jaw.

"His fist." A small sad chuckle and then a sigh. "He's got adamantium grafted to his bones as well as an extremely fast healing factor…" Bucky's eyes grow with terror, not of the man, but of what he must of been forced to endure. Blood but no wound, makes sense now. "Yeah...I know right?"

"I really didn't try to hurt you?"

"No, course not. Pushed me behind you as soon as Logan burst through the door." She sits down near the head of his bed. "Come here." She says gently, a hand reaching out for him. "Please."

In pain and worn out, the Soldier's shoulders drop, deflated and exhausted. Sighing, knowing she won't listen to reason even if he were to speak up, he decides to comply. Bucky lies his head down on Chrissy's lap, her fingers and palms are massaging his shoulders and neck. There's a relaxed groan that escapes him and he hates it.

"You always seem to sleep better when you're relaxed." She begins to explain. "If you don't go to sleep all tense or stressed out, maybe you'll still have nightmares, but maybe there's a chance they won't affect you as bad."

Shit, she has a point. "Maybe." Eyelids feel heavy, so he wraps an arm around her knees. "I'm falling asleep." He yawns deeply. "You shouldn't stay here...I don't know how I'll be..."

"We'll find out." She shifts, a noise of protest leaves him as he's forced to move from where he was lying comfortably. Having little control over his motor skills, the Soldier allows himself to fall onto his stomach. Bucky can feel her hands on his torso, rubbing and applying pressure to spots he didn't even know were sore. "Sleep."

No problem. As soon as his eyes shut, Bucky drifts into that sweet abyss of nothing. No dreams, no fear, just blankness.

When he wakes the next morning, Chrissy's curled up on her side beside him, a hand resting on his metallic shoulder, the other snug under her cheek. There's no way he's going to fall back asleep. Glancing at the clock, he sees that it's not even six A.M. Quietly, Bucky slips out of bed, tuckys Chrissy in, gets dressed and leaves the room.

The Soldier's entering the barn when Logan hands him a cup of coffee. That's the first time someone gets the jump on him, it won't happen again. "All done." The man points over his shoulder with his thumb towards the horses. "Was up a while ago."

"Uh, thanks." The Soldier accepts the mug.

"She stayed eh." Wolverine states while looking over the horses.

"Yeah. Came back to check on me?" Bucky snickers and takes a drink.

"No." Logan's careful gaze returns to the other man. "Can smell her scent, you're covered in it."

"Oh…" Yeah that's not creepy at all.

"Is there something else you need to tell me. Anything else I should know?" Logan waits. Either this kid is honest, lying or dumb as a door knob.

"About?" Bucky shrugs his shoulders.

Honest door knob it is. "Nothing. Don't worry about it." Logan shakes his head. Dumbass.

Chrissy takes a seat next to Logan by the fire. It's early morning, but the Wolverine never was one for indoors much. As he takes a puff from his cigar, Logan studies the woman beside him. It's been a long time since he's seen her last, but Chrissy still looks the same, although a little tired.

"I find it funny you're not out there with him." The woman gestures with a nod to the back property.

Logan pushes the cigar to the corner of his mouth. "Thought he could use a bit of time to let off some steam. Not like I can't find him if I need to."

A small grin and Chrissy leans forward, trying to warm her hands up by the fire. "True."

Taking on a more serious tone, the Wolverine rubs his palms on his jeans. "He should see Charles." He waits for her reaction, but gets none. "Look, I know you think it might be a bad idea bringing him to a setting like that. We both know he'd never stay there...go with him, stay a week. See what the old man has to say."

Letting out a puff of air, Chrissy dips her head. "I don't know. I can mention it to him...see what he thinks."

Logan places a hand on hers and grasps it gently. "There's only so much you can do." The man isn't wrong. It's the same reason why the Wolverine had to leave her home when he did all those years ago. "He has a better chance than I ever did. Maybe Xavier can point him in the right direction, piece together a few things...hell maybe even clear away some of the shit those freaks did to his brain."

Considering these suggestions, Chrissy licks her lips and nods. "I'll see what I can do. In the end, it's up to him." Smiling warmly, the woman regards her long time friend. "It's really good to see you again Logan."

The man pulls her to his side, a small hug. "Yeah, I've missed you too."

"Hmpf. Guess I owe you my thanks." Logan grunts.

"No. Guaranteed I was there for a reason. And I'm willing to bet it wasn't a rescue mission." Not with the people that were pulling his strings, no way. "Honestly, it's a pretty good possibility that you were my intended target. Nothing's for certain...but I know a thanks is not in order."

"Fine." A smug grin. "Kid I don't care why you were there. You got me out. End of story. Looks like it's time to repay the favor." Logan readies his stance.

"By letting me kick your ass?" The Soldier scoffs and advances. He throws a few quick punches and lunges with his knee. Missing every time. Aggravated, he grunts.

"Little full of yourself, don't you think?" The Wolverine laughs. This kid has a lot to learn when it comes to controlling his anger. If he can manage that, maybe that'll help. "Try again. This time, don't use your anger as the fuel behind your punches. Breathe through each movement."

The Soldier tries to do as his new friend instructs. With every movement Logan pushes his opponent's hand aside or averts a blow. He's able to predict every one of Bucky's moves and steps. What the hell! It's infuriating.

"You're good." Logan admits. "But you're too focused on why you want to hit your target. Stop wanting to hit me and just do it!"

That's it, Logan's done dodging, kid needs to learn the hard way. Bucky takes a few quick steps forward. His right fist swings, Logan catches it and lands a solid blow in his gut. A metallic hand comes up for a left hook and nails his target in the jaw, the man stumbles back a few feet and Bucky advances. Bringing up his knee and then his elbow, each making contact.

"Feel better?" Logan licks the blood from his lips and stands up straighter. "There. You finally focused enough." The cut on the man's eyebrow heals right before Bucky's eyes. "You need to accept what you are. Once you do that you'll have more focus. Why do you think the Winter Soldier part of you is so good at what he does? He doesn't hesitate and is completely aware of what he is and capable of."

The Soldier's shoulders drop. "Yeah, but he has little to no humanity."

"Listen kid, that ain't you. Just because you accept what it is you're good at doing doesn't make you a monster or even the Winter Soldier. It makes you aware. Of what you can do. I'm no Saint, I know that. Came to terms with that knowledge a long time ago. That's what made me better at what I do. Protecting the people I care about…" Logan's eyes land on the house. "And becoming a vital part of something I think is worth fighting for."

Bucky is listening to everything this man has to say. It's the first time he thinks someone might be able to completely grasp his inner struggles.

"Cap gave you an invite, a reason to use your skills when you see fit. But I can tell that you feel like your place is here. And you still want to help your buddy out. Ain't nothing wrong with that. But do it on your terms. Not theirs." Logan sighs. "At the end of the day, it's you that has to stare at your own mug in the mirror. Do things your way so that you can learn to live with what you see staring back."

"Thanks." All things he already knew, but maybe he just needed it confirmed by someone who went through a similar ordeal.

"No problem. How about another round?"