Chapter 10

Today has been yet another slow blur. I've been eager and anxious all day to look for Ashley at lunch. I need to talk to her and clear this all up. She didn't even give me a chance to explain myself. I realize that I shouldn't have let Aiden in, but I'm just so confused. I don't want to believe Aiden. Ashley isn't like how he described her to be. I really need to find the truth out for myself.

I step into the cafeteria and search around for Ashley's table. I spot the table that Ashley and all of her followers are usually at, but it's completely empty. I guess I won't be able to talk to her until Chemistry. I don't want her to come into the cafeteria late or something and see me sitting with Aiden, so I don't really know where to go. I want to sit with Chelsea, but if Aiden's there, I just can't. I keep wondering what's so bad about Aiden and why I should listen to her when I don't know why I am avoiding him. Maybe she's jealous and doesn't want me to talk to him. She likes girls, so I doubt it. Unless she's bisexual. Either way, I'm not going to betray her. I'm going to trust her. I recall the look in her eyes when she made me promise to stay away from him. The look she gave me was not that of jealousy or anger, though she voiced the anger part. I don't know what her eyes were saying. I trust her, I really do, so I'm going to keep my promise even though I partly broke it.

I head out of the cafeteria, straight for the place I know will be unoccupied. As soon as it's in site, I'm correct in my prediction because literally nobody is out here. I walk up to the tables outside of Mr. Walker's room and set my bag and books down. Good thing nobody comes over here at lunch or else I'd look like a complete loner. This makes me realize that I really need to make more friends. Or clear things with Ashley, and fast.

I spend my lunch in silence, eating, reading, and playing games on my phone. When I hear the bell ring, I pack everything up quickly so nobody sees that I am alone and enter Mr. Walker's classroom. I'm the first here, obviously.

The minutes are dragging on; where is Ashley? She's usually here by now, not counting the first day of school. The late bell just rang and she's still not here. I think she's avoiding me. You've got to be kidding me. I'm here, ready to face her, but I guess she's not ready to face me? This is ridiculous! I deserve to know what is going on!

A few minutes into the period, I secretively take out my phone and compose a text.

You sure as hell aren't sick today. Why didn't you come? I want to know what's going on! -Spencer

I wait and wait and wait and the period is nearly over and I still haven't received a text. If only I knew if she has read it. Maybe she actually is sick or busy with something. It'd be a real good coincidence if she was sick, though.

The bell rings and I take my time packing up my stuff. Ash has been giving me rides home or to places so I don't know where to go now.

I begin my walk to the gym where I'll have to wait for Glen's practice to finish until I realize Aiden will be there. I guess it's back to the tables I go.

Text me when you're out of practice and I'll head out to the car. I need a ride today. -Spencer

I spend the next 2 hours sitting there bored out of mind. I completed my homework within the first hour. I tried calling Ashley at the beginning of the hour and again after I finished my homework. Nothing. All I heard was her cute voice on her voice mail message. I was absentmindedly reading my book until I got the text from Glen saying he was finished. We're on our way home now and I decide to drop her another text, hopefully she'll answer this time.

Ashley, can you please answer me? I can take if you're mad at me, but I just want to know that you're okay.

What if something has happened to her? I know this is illogical, but I can't help getting worked up at the thought. My mind is running all sorts of bad scenarios when I realize that we've pulled into our driveway.

I drag myself up to my room and lay on my bed for hours, sending Ashley a text or call every couple of hours. She probably thinks I'm clingy. I don't care right now, though, because I'm really concerned.

I guess I drifted to sleep, but I don't blame myself because I've been laying here for a while and I'm tired. I've conveniently woken up right as dinner is being served.

We ate in blissful silence, with a compliment on the food here and there and minor details about our day. As soon as I'm finished, I go and take a long, hot bath and read and that kind of helps me get sleepier, but I don't know if it'll help much. I have a lot on my mind. And by "a lot", I mean Ashley. After I change into my pajamas, I send her another text.

Ashley, seriously, just reply to me. I don't care if I'm being clingy. Please just say anything, tell me I'm stupid or you hate me. I just need to know that you're okay!

I spend the next three hours waiting and still nothing. I welcome Saturday and hope that she replies today. What if someone hurt her. What if she's been kidnapped. What if she got in a car accident after driving away angry from my house. What if she purposely harmed herself. What if Aiden hurt her. What if she ran away. The "what if"'s drag on and on until I open my eyes to the brightness of the sun entering my room. I'm upside down on my bed and facing my clock that lays on my side table. WHAT? It's nearly one in the afternoon! I must have fallen asleep way too late. I begin to recall all of the terrifying dreams I had. The "what if"'s came to life in my dreams and it was terrible. I try to shake the images out of my head and head downstairs because I am starving. Food can get my mind off of nearly anything, though I wish it good luck today.

I enter the kitchen and see a note taped to the fridge which shows my mom's handwriting. In the top corner it has a time listed: 12:47 PM

"Spencer-

We went to Glen's basketball game; it begins at 2. We know you aren't into basketball and you were still asleep so we figured you would be okay with staying home. If you need anything, call us."

Sigh. I'm not into basketball or anything Glen does, but I really don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I bring my phone up to my face and enter another message.

Okay it's Saturday now. You think you could maybe reply?

I decide to make a meal that will take a while so I can pass the time. I make pancakes in the pans on the stove. You know the kind: the mix that comes in the box and and you add butter, milk, and eggs to it and form a liquid-like mix? Yes, that kind. Making it took longer than actually eating it and it wasn't even that good. I then clean the dishes that I used so Mom doesn't get angry.

I guess I could go take another bath now.

I got in about an hour ago and I finally finished my book. I've been on it a while- two weeks. I laid there for a few more minutes until an idea strikes me.

I quickly stand up and shampoo and condition my hair and wash my body. I jump out and dry myself off thoroughly. I grab a bra, t-shirt, and shorts and change. I don't need to look decent, so I just wring my hair out the best I can and ignore the make-up.

Mom, can I borrow the car to drive to my friend Ashley's house? XO-S

Any time, Mom. Any time...

Sure. Be careful, Spence, and text me when you get there and back home. XO-P

I race down the stairs, grab Glen's keys and run out the door.

Good thing she lives close. I'm way past eager, now. I park outside the her house on the curb and walk up to her door. I search around for the doorbell and finally find it and give it a small push. I hope I pushed it hard enough. Maybe I should do it again-

"Uh, hi!" I'm greeted by a peppy voice.

"Oh, hi. Um, I'm Spencer, I'm looking for Ashley, but maybe I got the wrong house-" I begin nervously.

"Hi, Spencer! I'm Kyla, Ashley's sister. You can go on up to her room if you want. Me and her mom were just on our way out.

I step in and see a fancy looking mother of Ashley. Kyla and Ashley's mom are sort of color-coordinating. They're both really pretty. Ashley's mom looks so young. I can see Ashley in both of them.

"Hi, I'm Spencer." I reach out and shake her mother's hand.

"Hello, Spencer, I'm Christine. I'm sorry to be running out, but Kyla and I have somewhere to be. Ashley might not be too fun as she is sleeping. But you're welcome to come in!"

"Thank you, have a good time at wherever you're going." We all exchange smiles and they leave.

I begin the walk up her stairs and it's insanely quiet in here. I don't want to wake her, but I also do because I need to know what's going on.

I opened her door that was just shut. Ashley is sprawled upside down on her bed with her arms and legs hanging every which way. It's kind of funny. Her hair is a mess; she is a hot mess. I walk over to her and nudge her on the shoulder a few times before she actually stirs.

"Ashley. Ashley please wake up."

She mumbles inaudibly and reaches for the covers and pulls them over her head.

"Ashley!" I pull them away from her.

"What the hell do you want, Spencer?" She sits up straight and looks in my eyes. Her eyes look exhausted and puffy. They don't look like the average-looking tired-eyes. There's something different.

Was she crying?

"I want to talk to you. Clearly I want to talk to you after all the calls and texts I've sent in the last twenty-four hours. Can I sit?"

"Whatever." I sit and she looks away from my direction.

"Ashley. Can I just explain myself? I understand why you're angry. I made a promise to you and I broke it. I'm so sorry Ashley. You can trust me. That probably sounds really stupid, but you can still trust me. Can you look at me, please?" I say, fed up.

She slowly looks at me, still angry.

"Hi." I try to smile, but I don't know if it works.

"Are you going to explain yourself or what?" Apparently the smile didn't work. Or she's just ignoring it.

"Okay, yes. So Aiden came over right after you left and right after I realized that I had left my book in your car. When my doorbell rang, I expected it to be you, but it wasn't. My intention wasn't to have him in my house, but it happened. He asked where I was at lunch and if I was okay. I said I was with you and I was okay. But then he got this new look on his face and was just like 'Oh, Ashley...'" I mocked him, "so I asked him what happened with you guys since you clearly wouldn't explain it. So I just invited him in so he could tell me-"

"So you invited him in and broke your promise. I really have enough promise-breakers in my life, Spencer-"

"I'M NOT finished yet." She shuts up so I continue.

"He told me all this crap. He said that you two dated and they were the best months of his life. He told me that you ended up pregnant and got an abortion behind his back. He told me he really wanted to keep it, but you were avoiding him. He said that you cheated and, well, switched. He said that you party and hook-up and he doesn't want me to get hurt like he did." I tried to rush myself because she was fighting to not let the tears escape.

"Spencer, it's not-"

"I know it's not true, Ashley. I know. The minute he told me all of that, I couldn't believe it and I wouldn't believe it. Maybe it is true, I don't know, but what I believe is the Ashley who I came to know. Maybe you did break his heart and maybe you do look for fun in the wrong places, but I don't care. I still want to be in your life,"

Her tears were silently falling now.

"If that stuff isn't true, do you want to tell me your side of it?" She nodded yes.

"We dated. They were a good seven months. I got pregnant. I lost it. I wanted it. I wanted to keep it, but it didn't happen how I wanted it to. I looked for fun in the wrong places, yeah. I did party and drink and do bad things, but my ex-girlfriend changed that in me. When I met you, you made me not want to do that," She stopped for a few seconds and we kept eye contact. "I didn't tell you to not go near him for nothing. He got aggressive. He got needy and when he wanted something, he wanted it right then," she paused again and her voice cracked at the next sentence, "he raped me, Spence." My hand flew over my mouth and I felt tears well up in my eyes.

"A-Ashl-ley," I'm shaking. I can't talk, I'm going to be sick.

I run over to the nearest trash can I see in her room and I puke. She runs over and holds my hair back. When I'm finished, she hands me tissues. I feel so sick right now and tears keep coming and they won't stop overflowing.

She brings me over to her bed and I lay down in it. I can't stop shaking. I ask the most stupid question that one could ask, "Why?"

"I don't know, Spence. I was a virgin until he did that. I'm terrified of him, Spencer. You're the first person I told." More tears.

He raped my Ashley. He raped my beautiful Ashley. My beautiful, piercing-brown-eyed, 1000 watt smile Ashley. How could he do that? My beautiful, fragile, loving Ashley! My tears suddenly become angry tears and my face is getting hot and I sit up.

"He RAPED you, Ashley. I-I'm going to kill him! What the hell gives him the right to walk the school like nothing! Ashley, he-" I can't talk anymore. We're both crying now and I don't know who needs to be cradled more: Ashley or me.

We lay there just crying for a couple of minutes.

"Do you see why I didn't want you to go near him, Spencer? You're beautiful and precious and I can't stand the thought of him doing that to you! When I first met you I knew you were special. I've barely known you a week and I need to protect you. Please believe me, I'm not lying, I promise-" This is killing me and I stop the crying Ashley.

"I believe you, Ashley, I'm so sorry I was so upset and rude and clingy and, and..."

"It's okay, Spence. It's okay."

"No, Ashley, it isn't okay! He hurt you!" I really need to calm down, but I just can't.

"Spence, I'm okay, I'm here. Sshh, ssshhh..."

I wasn't the one raped and I'm crying harder than she is. This is literally hurting my heart and I'm still sick to my stomach. This can't be happening. I can't believe this.