Chapter 11

Knowing he's safe, I can sleep. This last time has been a reminder that I could easily lose him completely. He could walk through that gate and never come back. There's so much I need to tell him, so much I need to explain, but at least now I might get the chance. He shouldn't have been there – he should have left me to others, but he didn't. It gives me hope that he might forgive me.

When I waken, Janet's is the first face I see.

"Hey there, sleepy-head. How're you doing?"

"Ok," I manage, yawning. "I think I was tired."

"I think that's a fair bet."

"Where's …?"

"Colonel O'Neill? I sent him home. He hovered for hours after you went to sleep, but he was dead on his feet too, so I threw him out."

"Hours? How long've I been asleep?"

"Twenty-three hours and," she glances at her watch, "twenty minutes."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. When you're feeling better, I need to have a talk with you about what you do when you're not sleeping."

I feel myself blush a little.

"So, how does a shower sound?"

"Good. A shower sounds very good."

"Ok, go and do that, but I want you back here afterwards. I'm going to check you over once more before you go home."

"Sure."

The shower feels wonderful, reviving me. And the solitude gives me thinking time. I promised to talk to Jack. The prospect gives me butterflies and threatens worse, but I know I need to get it over with.

Once Janet's finished with me, I dress and go to the surface. When I get to my car, I call him.

"Hey," he answers, his voice soft and wary.

"Jack."

"You're awake then. I … rang a couple of hours ago – Doc. said you were still sleeping."

"Yeah, well, I was tired."

"Ya think?"

"Look, Jack, can I come round? I mean, if it's not convenient, we can …"

"Sure. You at the base?"

"Yeah. Just leaving."

"See you in what … half an hour?"

"About that."

I drive, the journey seeming to take longer than it should, but when I check the time once I've parked outside, it's only been twenty-five minutes.

He opens the door before I get there, gesturing me inside. It's familiar. The weeks after we got back and before Jolinar – this was home. He waves a hand in the direction of a chair and I sit, but I'm on the edge, not able to relax and get comfortable.

"Can I get you anything? Beer? Coffee? Soda?"

"Coffee'd be good," I decide.

I hear him setting the coffee going, but he comes back a moment later. He's studying me closely.

"You're looking well," I tell him – anything to stop him watching me so closely.

"Yeah, well, nothing a shower couldn't fix."

"So, I heard McKay got you out."

"Well, he did a bit of it," he agrees.

"Not according to McKay. For all he wanted to learn everything he could from Linea, he took time out to describe his heroics in some detail."

"Yeah, he's a real hero."

"I'm glad you got out, and I don't care who's responsible."

He smiles at that, and it's infectious. He turns quickly, making his way back into the kitchen. If I didn't know better, I'd think Jack's scared.

He returns with two mugs, putting one down on the table close to me. He sits opposite, and I know it's my cue.

"I said I'd explain," I offer.

"I'm listening."

"First, I'm sorry. Maybe it'll make sense when I explain, but if it doesn't, I am sorry."

His face falls a little at that, but I forge on anyway.

"After Jolinar, I was confused. I kept getting flashes – especially when I was feeling any strong emotion. And I wasn't really feeling anything other than strong emotions."

I remember those first few hours. I was a mess. I didn't know who I was, just that I was in pain.

"When I looked at you, sometimes I saw you, and sometimes I saw someone else – someone who caused Jolinar to feel the way I felt when I looked at you. And then there was another face – someone I despised, someone who repulsed me, and yet I can remember him touching me … intimately. But those were Jolinar's memories, and I haven't made sense of them yet. I'm getting there, but it'll take a while."

He nods. "This person you saw – not the one who repulsed you – was it a man?"

"Yes."

I see pain on his face, and I'm sorry. "Can you see him now?"

"No, Jack. I'm getting better at controlling the flashes, sorting out which are mine and which … aren't."

He seems to relax a little.

"Anyway, with all that going on, I was in pain. I … still am. Losing the baby hurt, Jack. It hurt like I never knew it could."

"I know, Sam. I …"

"I know you felt it too. I know that. But … with everything else that was going on, all I could think was that I had to avoid ever being in that situation again. I was terrified, and I did what I thought would protect me."

"By shutting me out?" He sounds incredulous.

"Yes."

"Sam, have I ever done anything to hurt you?" His voice is louder, more strident, and I put up a hand to stop him.

"No, Jack. Not knowingly. But … if it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have been pregnant, so, in some screwy way, I did blame you."

"I gave you the choice, Sam. When we were stranded … I …"

"I know. But with everything else that was going on, I wasn't thinking straight. And I knew that whatever else happened, I wasn't ready to repeat things. I knew I wouldn't want to be pregnant again right away, or maybe even ever."

"I get that, Sam. And you've got to know I wouldn't push you. You do … know that, don't you?"

"Yes. I know. But I also knew that it would hurt you. And I knew you were hurting already. I didn't want to hurt you more, but I also didn't want you to resent me … years from now, if I never felt able to try again. I thought you'd leave me then, and I couldn't bear it. I … decided it would hurt less in the long run to just get all the pain over with right away. I didn't think I could hurt any more than I already did. But I was wrong."

The last words have come out in a rush. I'm almost out of breath when I finish. Jack's silent, his eyes on me, but he's obviously digesting what I've said.

"I know I've hurt you, Jack, and I don't know if you can forgive me. Whatever else happens, I don't want to lose you. I need you to be in my life – even if just as a friend. And I understand if you want to find someone else – someone who'll be able to give you children. Someone who won't put them in danger."

There's a silence then, probably not as long as it seems, punctuated only by my heart beat.

"Sam, what happened to the woman who told me that we've got to take risks? What happened to the woman who wanted to live the life she had to the full?"

"She … got a bit lost."

"Is she still lost?"

"A bit," I admit.

He nods.

"So, you telling me to go was giving me the chance to find someone else – someone who'd give me children. Is that what you're saying?"

I manage to nod. I can't quite meet his eyes. I hear him moving, and a moment later, he's on his knees in front of me, his hand gently raising my face to his.

"What if I don't want children with anyone else? What if I think that life with you, with or without children, is the only life I want?"

"Jack," I manage, but tears are threatening to fall, and I can't get more out.

"Sam, I love you. If you're not in my life, I'm not really living. But I'll let you go if it's what you want. If you don't love me. If you don't want me. Tell me, Sam. Tell me what you want."

"I want you, Jack."

The world seems to stop for an instant, and then his arms are around me, and his face is buried at my neck. He shudders once, and I know I'm shaking.

"I love you, Jack," I finally manage.

My words seem to change something. He pulls away just far enough that he can see my face.

He gets up then, and I'm confused. I want him to hold me. Instead, he leaves the room, returning a moment later with something in his hand. He sits next to me and opens his palm. It's the ring – the one he gave me when we bonded.

"Wear it again?" he asks.

I nod, and he puts it back where it belongs. Then, he gets back on the floor.

"Sam," he starts. He's looking nervous. "I know we agreed that the bonding was the same as being married, but … how we see it and how others see it aren't always the same. I want the world to know that you belong to me, and I'm sorry if that sounds chauvinistic, but it goes both ways. Will you marry me? Think of it as a renewal of vows if you like, but …"

"Yes, Jack. I'll marry you here. I think a renewal would be a great idea. And … it might make things easier with the Air Force."

"So, Hammond's spoken to you too?"

I nod, then I realise that there's something wrong.

"Jack, why're you down there when you could be up here and kissing me?"

"A very good question," he answers, pulling himself back up.

We don't make love that night. Not that we don't both enjoy what we do, but between the aftermath of the miscarriage and what Janet told me about the leftovers from Jolinar, we don't know how effective hormone-based birth control is going to be. So, there're going to be some changes. It doesn't seem to faze Jack even slightly. I'm still worried that he'll resent me some day, but for now, I'll take whatever I can get.

The next morning, we move my personal belongings out of my house and put it back on the market.

SSSSS

Since I'm not pregnant any more, one barrier to gate travel has been removed. However, another has taken its place. Janet is concerned about my general health, and unhappy for me to go through the gate until she's got a better understanding of the effects of the changes Jolinar made.

MacKenzie hasn't released me yet, but I know it won't be long now. Getting my personal life sorted out has helped a lot. Jack grounds me, and that helps me to put everything else into perspective. The flashes are becoming less and less frequent – and days often go by without me having any while I'm awake. While I'm asleep is another thing, but I'm grateful to have my days back. I'm using the dreams to try to force my conscious recollections, but so far, I haven't found anything that would allow us to contact the Tok'ra.

The one fly in the ointment is just that. I can't talk to Jack about them. He gets this set to his jaw every time they're mentioned, and I know he still holds Jolinar responsible for the miscarriage. And now that the twins are back with their parents … his chances of being a dad again seem to be over. My own relief at hearing the news is something I've tried to hide. I know he's happy for them, that they've got their mom and dad back, but I also know that they've left a hole in his life, as they have in mine. The difference is that, for now at least, I want that hole there.

One bit of good news – Rodney McKay decided that he was too valuable to risk being imprisoned on another planet, so his stay at the SGC was curtailed. He's gone back to Area 51, so he's out of my hair. I know he'll be back. General Hammond has made it clear that the man has support from someone at the Pentagon, and if I read between the lines, that person wants him on SG-1 on a permanent basis. At least for now, McKay's own resistance is preventing that headache for Jack.

A month after the prison planet, General Hammond calls me to his office. He's got a couple of files in front of him as I go in, and he motions me to sit down.

"I've just been reading through the reports from Doctors Fraiser and MacKenzie. They've both decided that you can return to active duty, and I wanted to make sure you agree with that."

"Yes, Sir. I'm ready."

"And is that what you want? I'm the first to admit that things at the SGC have been running much more smoothly while you've been here full-time. The compromise you worked out that persuaded Dr. Lee that the danger inherent on his most recent project was acceptable, was nothing short of inspired, and it's starting to produce some useful results."

"So, are you saying I've got a choice?"

"Captain, you know as well as I do that as an Air Force officer, you have to take whatever posting you're given. However, you must also realise that where there are good reasons for several options, I am allowed some latitude. So, yes. I'm giving you a choice. I've got two possibilities for you to consider. The first will involve regular travel, but perhaps not to the extent that you experienced on SG-1. Much as I'd like to return you to your old team, your relationship with Colonel O'Neill makes that impossible. And while your upcoming nuptials will give me some flexibility, a permanent posting there is not an option. So, in order to make the most of your particular skills and abilities, I would like to give you a broader remit, and to make you a science resource for all the teams going through the gate. Each team would have to effectively bid for your services, convincing me that your presence is important on a given mission. SG-1 would, of course, be able to avail itself of your expertise as necessary. In this position, you would continue to report directly to me."

He pauses, allowing me to take in the information.

"The alternative is that you continue doing the job you're doing at present, with the added dimension that gate travel is an option as and when it's necessitated by your current projects. I would not, however, envisage such travel to be a regular occurrence with this option."

"Wow, thank you, Sir," I manage. I already know which option I'm going for, and it's better than I'd hoped for. I'm going to miss the lab time, but I really want to get back to regular gate travel. I'd assumed I'd be assigned to a different team – I know there're a couple of vacancies in SG-5 and SG-7, but neither really appeals. I've been spoiled by SG-1.

"I'd like to take the first option, if I can, Sir," I answer at last.

"I thought you would," he answers with a grin. "I know you've got some leave booked for after the wedding, and I'd like your new posting to start on your return."

"Yes, Sir," I answer, as he pushes a folder towards me.

"A listing of upcoming missions for you to peruse. Your availability for inclusion on these missions will be published later today, and I would add that if there are any you believe are scientifically significant enough to require your inclusion, you should come to me."

Being reminded about the wedding brings a whole load of errands to mind. Not that it's going to be a big deal. That's one thing Jack and I agreed from the start. We've invited General Hammond, Daniel, Teal'c, Janet and Cassie, and Sandy Joyce and her husband Dave. Oh, and my dad. My brother can't make it, although whether that's because Dad's going to be there or because I'm marrying another Air Force officer, I'm not sure. A select group, and a very low key wedding because it's just a repeat for both of us.

There was discussion about whether or not to invite Sandy, but we bonded over our shared pregnancy when I first got back, and she's probably going to be back on SG-1 after her baby's born – or at least that's what Jack's holding out for. After the disaster that was Rodney McKay, he's been doing his best to avoid anyone else being assigned to his team. Sandy, on the other hand, isn't so sure. She's very wary of Jack – his reputation for not tolerating scientists is well known. I'm hoping that seeing him at his wedding'll remove some of the man's mystique.

Jack's getting paperwork finished off before his last mission before the wedding. And once that's over, we're going to his cabin for two weeks.

I head down to the commissary. I suspect I'll find Jack there – it's about time for him to need a break from paperwork. And sure enough, I spot him, sitting in a corner, a piece of cake and a cup of coffee in front of him. He's reading something, and doesn't spot me until I sit beside him with my own coffee.

"Seen Hammond yet?" he asks, smiling at me.

"Yeah."

"So, which team are you joining?"

"I'm not."

He gets up quickly, ready to go and complain and I pull him back down.

"Jack, it's ok."

"It's not ok. You deserve to be back on an off world team. How else will you get the experience you'll need to have your own team?"

"Jack, I haven't got a team because you're looking at the science resource for all the SG teams. Every team, including SG-1, can request my presence for a mission if my expertise is needed. It's perfect, really. There's no real point in me going on meet and greets or negotiating access to historical documents. This way, I get the best of both worlds."

"So you're happy, then?"

"Yes, Jack. I'm happy."

"Good." He smiles at me, then looks back to the paper in front of him.

"So, how's the paperwork?"

"Nearly there. And then, just the mission tomorrow and we're clear."

"What's tomorrow's mission? Anything complicated?"

"Nah. Sounds like a lovely place – pretty much a garden. There are life signs and energy readings, but not much sign of an industrial society. We only got it at the last minute because two of SG-4 got injured last time out. Shouldn't even take a whole day."

By late next day, I could kick Jack for those words. He was due back by 1600, and it's now 2000. An attempt has already been made to contact them by radio, and it's failed. General Hammond is planning to send through a retrieval team in the morning, once there's enough light on the planet to make a search possible.

I don't know whether to be terrified or furious. We're getting married tomorrow, and I'm stalking the corridors of the SGC.

When the alarm finally goes at 2320, I rush to the gate room, relieved beyond measure that they're back. Teal'c looks pretty much as usual, but Jack's closed off and Daniel has a strange, haunted expression. Hammond insists on a short debrief before dismissing all of them. Jack doesn't even wait to shower, he just changes and heads home with me.

He's unusually silent on the drive, and it's only with an effort that I leave it that way. Once inside, Jack goes to shower while I get him something to eat. Only once he's clean and finished eating, do I gently probe what happened.

"It was hard, Sam. They had these … machines. We were linked up to them so we could re-live some event from our past for their entertainment. When I think of the things they could have chosen, I suppose I got off easy, but they still chose a mission I did where good men died. Before I realised what was happening, I tried to change the final outcome as we worked through it again and again, but nothing I did make any difference. Kawalsky was there. Even seeing him again was … painful. But I got off easy."

"Why?"

"Because Daniel got to see the accident that killed his parents. Over and over again, with only Teal'c for company."

"I knew something had happened."

"Yeah."

"What's he doing tonight? Is he alone?"

"Teal'c was going to his apartment with him. They'd planned that anyway, so …"

"Good."

"So, you still ok with this?"

"What? Getting married? Of course I am."

"No. Being with me tonight. I could still, you know, get a hotel."

"Jack, if we were really getting married, then maybe I'd feel like that, but we're already married, and there's no reason I shouldn't wake up to my husband any day."

He sighs deeply at that, and pulls me closer.

"I'm glad you feel like that," he admits. "Because I really need you tonight."