CHAPTER ELEVEN
Brittany sat at the dinner table with her family, thinking about how she would rather be with Santana. It had only been a half hour since they parted ways, but somehow Brittany already missed her. Mindlessly twirling pasta around her fork, she zoned out with thoughts of their shower playing in her head.
"So, Brittany, how was practice today?" her Dad spoke, pulling her out of her daze.
"What? Oh. Really good," she replied, forcing a smile in her father's direction.
"Is something wrong? You've barely touched your food," her mother continued, "I made spaghetti and meatballs just for you. Your favorite."
Brittany's thoughts now went to Lady and the Tramp, one of her favorite movies. She thought about taking up a piece of spaghetti into her mouth, finding Santana's lips at the end and pulling her into a kiss across the table. She longed to do this. She longed to show affection towards her in public; but she knew how uncomfortable it made Santana.
"No, I love it. I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm not all that hungry right now," she said with a weak smile. The thought of Santana not reciprocating her affection in front of others, or worse reacting negatively, consumed her with sadness.
"Well, how about I wrap it up for you. You can always eat the leftovers," her mother reasoned.
Brittany walked up their counter and placed her plate by the sink.
Hearing her phone's text message ring from the other room, Brittany's face lit up at the prospect of a message from Santana.
"Now, you're smiling!" her father noticed, "What's wrong with us?"
Brittany knew he was joking. Sje responded lovingly so as to be excused from dinner.
"Aw, dad, you know I love you." She kissed the top of his head.
"Go get your stupid phone," he said, knowing that was what she wanted to hear.
Brittany ran into the other room, hearing her father start ranting about kids and their phones these days. Picking it up, Brittany saw the message was from Kurt. Not completely unhappy about the fact that it wasn't Santana's name flashing on the screen, she opened the text.
Hey girl. I need to tell you something. Text me back when you can.
Brittany wondered what this could be about. She typed back.
What do you need to tell me?
She walked to her room phone in hand. It took a while before her phone buzzed again.
Sam knows about you and Santana. I mean, I'm almost 100% positive that he knows. He came up to me the other day and implied that he knew, and then said something about seeing something that made him think so…he works at the photo place at Walgreen's. I'm pretty sure he saw the pictures you all took. I'm only assuming, but I just thought you should know.
Brittany read the text three times. Surprisingly, she wasn't upset just really worried about what Santana was going to do. She typed her response.
Are you sure, Kurt?
Yes. I just thought you should know. If you want me to talk to him, I will.
No. It's okay. I'll figure something out.
Are you going to tell Santana?
…I should. She's going to freak out. Fuck.
She'll be fine. Sam's too scared of her to ever say anything. Just tell her that.
I know. But, she's Santana.
Ha. Yeah.
I just really don't want people knowing before we actually talk about what we're doing. You know? If people start saying she's my girlfriend or whatever then she's going to build up a wall and then I'll never get to ask her for real.
I'm sure Sam won't say anything. Do you want me to come over to talk?
Thanks, but it's cool. I'll just talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for telling me.
Of course. I'm here if you need me.
With that, Brittany tossed her phone on her bed. She ran both hands through her hair.
"Shit."
Brittany heard a noise behind her. It was her younger sister at the door.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, Caitlin."
"Doesn't sound like nothing."
Caitlin took a hesitant step into Brittany's room, fearing that her sister would tell her to get out. Instead, Brittany sighed and turned around, meeting the twelve year old's gaze.
"Have you ever kept a secret knowing that it would get out eventually? And even though the secret doesn't scare you, it might upset other people to the point where the what you were hiding won't ever happen again?"
"Sounds like the time my teacher found the mouse I kept in my desk."
"Sister after my own heart."
She pulled the younger girl in for a hug. Brittany knew her sister wouldn't understand if she told her, but she did know that she would love her no matter what. Closing her eyes, Brittany held tighter.
Her sister opened one eye and spoke, "Brit! You're hurting me."
"Ha. I'm sorry," Brittany added, "Didn't realize I was squeezing you so tightly."
Caitlin left without any other conversation.
Brittany wiped a tear from her eye, wondering if this was the beginning of the end for her and Santana. She hoped not, but knew better.
XXxxXXxxXX
The clock read 12:19. Brittany swung her legs to the side of her bed. She couldn't sleep. Creeping downstairs, Brittany made her way to the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator, shielding her eyes from the bright light in the process. Once she had retrieved the left over pasta and grabbed a fork, Brittany sat on a stool and unwrapped the plate on the kitchen island. Brittany ate in silence, consumed with thoughts about the relationship she was having with Santana.
The fact that she never talked further about what they were doing hadn't bothered Brittany before. But, all of a sudden, Brittany felt overwhelmed with emotions. Questions came to mind about how much she could mean to someone if they kept her a secret. She couldn't understand how she hadn't thought about all of this before. She guessed it was because she didn't want it to be over so she kept her mouth shut.
She thought about how much she cared for Santana. They had a relationship completely unrivaled by any other, and yet it was hidden. She wanted more than anything to be with her-to kiss her before they went to class, to hold her hand in the hallway, to have her friends playfully tease her when she smiled at her phone at a cute text from her girlfriend, to tell her family when they asked that, "Yes, she was seeing someone."
Brittany wanted the world to see how much more Santana was than the school's reigning bitch. She was compassionate and confident. She had aspirations, aspirations that Brittany was positive she could accomplish. Santana was smart and hilarious. Boy, was she beautiful. Brittany could imagine them ten years from now, starting a family both of them doing what they loved. Most of all, Santana made Brittany want to be a better person for Santana's and her own sake. She knew Santana felt the same way. One look from the girl and Brittany could tell everything she was feeling. They connected on a level that she never had nor wanted to with anyone else.
Brittany became hyperaware that she was sitting alone in the dark eating leftovers. All of these thoughts about Santana running haywire in her brain suddenly stopped. Her muscles relaxed as she laid the fork on the plate. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, but lay on nothing in particular. Focusing, she realized what it all meant.
"I love her."
The silence held her words in the air as if they were the only things to matter.
XXxxXXxxXX
Brittany came over to Santana's house a couple of days later. They lay on the bed together talking about their impending Chicago trip. Santana envisioned them breaking off from the group to explore the city on their own terms. Brittany voiced her opinion that maybe that wouldn't be the safest route to take, but Santana assured her that with her street smarts, there was no way she'd let anything bad happen to Brittany. Santana took the blonde's hand.
"It'll be so nice. We could go out, and not have to worry about hiding anything." Santana tilted her head to the side. "I could hold your hand like this without a care." Santana reached over, cupping the other girl's hand in hers.
"I mean, we could do that here…" Brittany said softly.
"Brittany," she paused, "You know we can't do that."
"Why not? Why can't people know about us?"
Santana looked at Brittany like this came out of nowhere.
"Brit! It's not like we're dating or anything. There is nothing for them to know."
Those words stung. Santana could see she had hurt Brittany. Tears almost welled up in the blonde's eyes, but she caught herself.
Brittany's tone of voice got harsher, "Well, if we're not dating and there's nothing for them to know, why are we being so secretive?"
"Brit. I-I just meant I don't want rumors flying around that we're lesbians because we're not," Santana said emphasizing the last part.
"Who are you to tell me what I'm not? You never talk about that sort of thing with me. You have no idea what I think about the subject," Brittany stated.
"You're not a lesbian, Brittany," Santana looked down at her hands and shook her head slowly. The words came out as if she was speaking to herself.
"Well, I'm pretty sure that falling in love with my best friend doesn't make me straight, Santana. But, we aren't 'dating or anything' so, I guess, none of this matters." Brittany looked Santana right in the eye to make sure she could feel every ounce of emotion behind her statement. Brittany was hurt. She was tired of tiptoeing around Santana when it came to this subject. She was in love with her best friend, and it was time Santana knew that. If she didn't love her back, then it was time for her to figure out what exactly they were doing.
She continued, "I'd like for you to be my girlfriend. I'd like to be able to kiss you and take you on a date, but if you—"
"Shut up," Santana spoke for the first time in what seemed like ages.
Brittany looked at her with a confused scowl.
"Santana, I'm not going to shut up and pretend that I'm okay with this."
"Brittany, please. Shut up."
Santana's eyes found the blue pools glaring back at her. Santana tried to find the words to explain how she felt.
Brittany waited for Santana to say something. She got up off the bed and walked toward the door. Grasping the handle, she pulled back.
"Brittany."
The name was all she could muster. Brittany looked back still waiting. Santana couldn't look up at the girl.
"…I'm just scared."
Brittany nodded her head once and pursed her lips. She grabbed the doorframe decidedly.
"Me too, Santana."
And with that, Brittany left.
XXxxXXxxXX
The next day at school, Santana searched for Brittany. She wasn't able to sleep all night. Instead, she replayed the moment in her head. She heard Brittany say she loved her and just sat there. She couldn't believe herself. Of course she loved Brittany. There wasn't a doubt in her mind. She made her happier than anyone else. But, still, she was terrified. Terrified of how completely different her world would be if she said those three little words out loud.
Santana spotted Brittany. Everyone was in a hurry to get to class. Class can wait. I need to talk to her. She thought. Brittany leaned up against her locker, talking to Kurt who was rubbing the girl's arm in comfort. Santana stood on the opposite side of the hallway, unable to hear their conversation. Brittany looked up and saw Santana. Kurt followed her eyes to the Latina. She looked exhausted and upset. Santana began to walk over to Brittany. Kurt looked back to Brittany and said something. Never taking her eyes off of Santana, Brittany nodded her head. Kurt left the blonde standing in the same place.
Right as Santana got within ten feet of the girl, Puck jumped in her way.
"Hey there, sexy. You're looking a little down. Wanna come over tonight?" Puck said raising his eyebrows.
Santana's sight was still glued on Brittany. The blonde saw Puck's interference, rolled her eyes in disbelief, and turned to walk away. Santana pushed Puck out of the way, trying to make Brittany see that she was coming over to her. But, it was too late. Brittany had left.
"Thanks a lot, Puck." Santana said angrily.
"What? I'm just playing. I'm with Lauren now. You know that."
"Yeah, well, I doubt Brittany knows that."
"What does our flirting have to do with Brittany?"
"Nothing! God. Just leave me alone, please."
Santana walked away with tears in her eyes.
She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around. Tears streamed down her face. It was Sam. The boy that was too frightened to ever look her in the face was now touching her shoulder in comfort.
"Santana. Are you okay?" He said sincerely.
She sniffed, "Do I look okay, Blondie?"
By this point, every one had scattered to their respective classrooms. Santana was on edge. She tried to get herself together. She wanted anything but Sam to pity her in the middle of the hallway. She sniffed and brushed her Cheerio uniform.
"Don't you have a class to get to?" She scowled, trying to revert to her bitch persona. However, the tears didn't stop.
"No. Even if I did, I'm not about to leave you. Tell me what's wrong."
Without hesitation, she threw her arms in the air and spoke.
"I'm gay. That's what's wrong," she said heatedly.
He stood there stunned that she had actually said the words that he himself had longed to say for so long.
"My whole fucking world feels like it's gone to shit. And, Brittany just stands there saying she loves me without any hesitation, and I'm just sitting there like an idiot."
He reached out to run his hand down her arm.
"It's okay."
"How the fuck is it okay, Sam? This is going to throw me to the bottom. I can kiss being head cheerleader goodbye. I'll get slushied everyday. Look at Kurt! He gets tortured here," Santana paused. She drew a deep breath as to signify that this was the worst part, "Brittany is so angry with me."
She crossed her arms. She finally said it out loud. The secret she had been keeping for so long. The secret that she kept so deep inside of her that she scoffed at the notion. All of a sudden, her emotions flooded to the surface. She felt so relieved to have said it to anyone, yet so deeply upset that now everything in her life was about to change.
She never thought Sam would be someone of consequence to her life. But now he knew her biggest secret. She never admitted any of her feelings to anyone, let alone life altering feelings. Even Sam knew this. He had to be careful about how to approach her.
"I promise you, Santana. It will be okay," He couldn't think of any words that could help her more.
Cautiously, Sam stepped towards Santana.
"W-what are you doing?" she said through her tears.
He wrapped his arms around the girl, pulling her into a tight hug.
Santana let herself sink into his arms. She buried her face into his chest and started sobbing. She felt completely disengaged from the world. In his arms, she was safe. He was the only man to ever comfort her who didn't want something in return.
Sam looked up at the ceiling, forcing back the tears in his own eyes.
"Shhh," he whispered, trying to calm the girl.
Santana pulled away and hiccupped, eyeing the tear marks she had left on his shirt.
Sam spoke softly, "Come with me."
Sam led Santana into the choir room, which was empty at this time of day. He took her hand, sitting them both down on the piano bench.
She looked up at him, "Why are you being so nice to me? All I ever do is glare at you and talk about your huge mouth."
"Because I understand what you're going through," Sam thought about telling her that they shared the same secret, but in this moment, her sadness took precedent. "Listen, Santana, Brittany loves you. Everything is going to work out."
"You don't know that. Why are you being so cavalier about this? You're not shocked at all," She sounded skeptical, "You would think hearing the most popular girl in school tell you that she was in love with her best friend would allot a certain amount of shock."
"Yeah, about that," Sam folded his fingers in his lap, "I already knew."
"…I'm going to kill Kurt."
"No. Kurt didn't tell me. Please don't get mad when I tell you this, but, um, I saw the pictures you and Brittany took on the railroad tracks."
Santana looked confused, "How could you have possibly seen those?"
"I may have been the one to develop them…"
"You totally perved on our pictures."
"Ha. No. Trust me. I'm not into that."
Santana laughed and wiped away a remaining tear, "Yeah, sure. It's like every straight guy's dream. Don't deny it." Santana's sexual jokes marked her deflection, to seem more in control than she actually was. So far in her short life, sex was the only way she knew how to interact with men. When Sam mentioned the pictures, her mind naturally took this course.
Sam dropped his elbows to his thighs and leaned forward. He looked down at his hands away from Santana. "I'm sure that is every straight guy's dream, which is why it isn't mine. And," He added, "I thought the pictures were more 'two girls in love' rather than 'two girls getting it on for the benefit of hetero culture.'" He really hoped that Santana would catch on.
"Wait," she took in what Sam had just said, "…you're not…"
Still leaning forward, Sam tilted his head and half-smiled at Santana.
Santana started laughing, "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm not laughing at you. This is just," she flung her arm up, "unbelievable!"
"Tell me about it."
They sat in silence for a couple of seconds until Santana spoke.
"This is bizarre."
"What are we going to do?" He asked.
"I've got to get Brittany back. That's what I've got to do. I don't know what you're going to do, but I'll help anyway I can."
"You know. You're not the bitch everyone thinks you are."
"Yeah," she playfully nudged the boy, "Just don't tell anyone."
So, Sam's gay. That happened. I hope you enjoyed the latest installment. Please review! It makes me feel loved! Let me know your thoughts. What you want to see happen…maybe I'll take it into consideration! Haha I've got some plans for the story so keep on coming back! Thanks!