Warning: This chapter contains heavy triggers. Rated M for mentions of various types of harassment (violent, physical, emotional, and sexual)

The Soloist – Chapter XI

Death Cab For Cutie: "Stable Song"

"No one… no one could ever want me, Blaine. Especially not someone as... gifted and… and kind and… and beautiful… as you."

Blaine wanted words to pour out of his mouth. He wanted to stumble over sentence after sentence about how Kurt could not be more wrong, about how he was the most fascinating, intelligent, talented, incredible, beautiful man to ever find his way into Blaine's life, about how imagining a life without him made Blaine sick to his stomach, about how so very empty he feels just thinking about Kurt not being here, with him, next to him, always…

"Kurt… no. No. Never. I could never… ever… not want you…"

"You say that now," Kurt said with a hard swallow, "But give it time, and you'll realize, Blaine. You won't be able to care about me…"

"Kurt, how can you say…"

"I'm damaged, Blaine!" he suddenly shouted, lifting his icy, watery gaze and staring straight into Blaine's eyes. "I'll never be worth anyone's affection because I can't return it without going back to that day! I'm, I'm dirty, defective…"

"No…"

"Infected…"

"Kurt…"

His head dropped into his hands and his knuckles turned white as he clutched handfuls of hair, desperately needing some sort of release as he finished through tears and gritted teeth, "Contaminated."

Blaine listened to his harsh, quick breathing for a moment, afraid to speak, until he couldn't be silent any longer.

"Kurt… I listened to you, and now… I need you to listen to me."

Kurt looked up and off to the side, clearly upset and about to interrupt, but Blaine continued nonetheless.

"Kurt, those guys… those ruthless, disgusting, evil… creatures… have nothing to do with you. And you have nothing to do with them. They tried so hard…"

"God Blaine, don't try to…."

"They tried so hard to destroy you, Kurt," Blaine interjected, a little forcefully, but he could tell Kurt wouldn't be able to tune him out much longer, "and all because you were living with a kind of courage they would never, ever have."

Kurt wiped away more tears and groaned, "That's not what it…"

No. You're going to listen. "But they didn't succeed, Kurt. They didn't even come close, and I know this. I know this, Kurt, because in these past few months you have shown me things I've never seen before."

Kurt was biting down hard on his bottom lip to keep it from quivering, but slowly, his glassy eyes were being drawn from the right wall, back to Blaine. He was hearing. Whether he wanted it or not, Blaine was getting through to him.

"You've reminded me of things – important things – that I forgot I cared about. You made me remember what used to be good, and… and still can be, if I let it."

Kurt's eyes were locked on Blaine's, and he was trying harder than ever not to cry. And then, all of a sudden, so was Blaine.

"And you… you…" Blaine took a deep breath, not taking his eyes off of Kurt's… "You taught me… things… extraordinary things… about…" he swallowed, and finally, his voice broke, "about life, and how it can be lived, and how… how it… how it can be… cherished…"

Eyes never leaving Blaine's, Kurt began to shake his head no, no, but he wasn't fooling anyone, not even himself. If he had been, he wouldn't have been looking Blaine in the eye, telling him silently that he knew Blaine could not and was not lying to him; that every word Blaine was saying was true. Kurt let the tears fall, and at that moment, so did Blaine.

He reached out and took Kurt's hands, this time knowing Kurt would let him.

"And… and you… you feel like you're damaged… contaminated… and maybe your body was, for a while… but that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, Kurt, because virginity… and purity… aren't just physical." He shook his head back and forth several times. "They're not, Kurt. They're not. They're so much… so much more than that… so much more… than that…"

Blaine withdrew one hand from Kurt's grasp and lifted it, pressing it gently against the warmth of Kurt's heart. Somehow, he managed to smile. And somehow, Kurt managed to smile back.

Suddenly, before Blaine had even seen Kurt move, the two were embracing as if it was the last chance of holding each other they'd ever have. Blaine held him tightly, and after a few moments he began to feel Kurt shaking, and his breath hitching…

And when he finally felt the tears rolling down Kurt's cheeks and onto the exposed skin at his collar, he held Kurt even tighter, rubbing his back and running his fingers through his hair, trying hard not to break down himself as he whispered, over and over again, letting Kurt know that he was there, that he wasn't going to leave, that everything would be all right...

If anything, it only made Kurt cry harder. It was hard for Blaine to feel that, and to hear it, but at the same time he knew it wasn't out of heartbreak. The way Kurt simply let go, the way he clung to Blaine everywhere he could and let the wave of emotions flow from him without inhibition, right before Blaine's eyes, nonetheless… told Blaine that Kurt was more relieved than he could say aloud.

Holding Kurt there, Blaine could almost feel the absence of the weight, the torturously heavy burden he'd been carrying around for years on his shoulders. It had finally been lifted, and the lightness, the liberation, and the relief were all too much for Kurt to take in. Too much for a man who'd been beaten down, weak and helpless and innocent, to the very pit of hell; too much for a man who survived the horrors of every nightmare he and others like him had ever had, and yet, in the end, it took this – comfort, kindness – to strip him down and expose the deepest, purist core of his being.

One act of wickedness, and Kurt closed himself off, pushed every evildoer away.

One act of compassion, and Kurt handed himself – heart and soul – to the one he trusted, the one who cared.

He was giving off no signal that he would be letting go of Blaine anytime soon, and Blaine was just fine with that. With Kurt there in his arms, he felt warm and full and complete, and knowing Kurt felt the same – even in his emotionally vulnerable state – sparked a glowing warmth inside of him.

Without loosening his embrace, Blaine eased himself and the boy in his arms down into the soft, inviting pillows. Once they had settled down, facing each other, Kurt tucked his hands against the warmth of Blaine's chest and his head beneath Blaine's chin. He sighed, and though he sounded tired and a little pained, he also sounded like he was finally, finally able to rest.

Blaine pressed a soft kiss into Kurt's hair and tucked his own head against Kurt's, suddenly feeling as though he, too, could rest, and maybe even sleep, if they stayed here, like this, long enough. And once he let his eyelids lower, he knew it'd be hard to open them back up.

"… Blaine?"

Blaine was surprised to hear Kurt's voice, however small and timid he sounded down beneath his chin.

"Yes, Kurt?"

"Would it be all right if I just… just laid here… tonight… with you?"

"You mean… you mean sleep here?"

Suddenly, he was anxious again. "I mean, if not… it's okay, I didn't mean to…"

"Of course you can, Kurt. I… I was afraid to ask myself, but… but I would love it if you stayed. You can always stay."

For a moment, Blaine was afraid that was too forward of a thing to say – always. But the way Kurt's back bubbled with silent, contented laughter and the way Kurt's lips curved into a smile where they pressed against his collarbone assured him that whatever he had said, Kurt was fine with always.

"Kurt, is it all right if I… if I, um, turn off the light?"

"Mmhm… mmhm."

Blaine tightened his embrace just for a moment, the whispered, "Okay," and reached over to his bedside table and switched off the light.

In the dark bedroom, Blaine listened to Kurt's breathing and felt his body move with his breath in his arms, and he without being able to help it, he thought back about everything Kurt had just told him. And the more he thought about everything – the action itself as well as the people behind it – the more he became physically and emotionally aware of the boy in his arms. He held him almost as if he were made of something breakable, like porcelain or glass. The thought of willingly causing him harm, of knowingly inflicting pain upon him… he couldn't even process the idea. It entered his mind and then his mind spit it back out. And he couldn't understand how anyone – anyone – could do such a thing to anyone else, but, particularly not Kurt. Kurt, who was as quiet, as kind, and as non-confrontational as they come…

Blaine's brain began to hurt, and his eyelids began to fall, and finally he pushed all of these thoughts far into the back of his mind and once again focused on Kurt's breathing and on the shadows enveloping them.

With his eyes closed, just as he was drifting off to sleep, Blaine wondered vaguely about what the morning would bring. The night offered them rest, but things were far from resolved. This memory that haunted Kurt so mercilessly since the day of its inception was not about to vanish into thin air. No – it was still something that happened to him, something very real and not in the least forgiving. How they would move forward from this, how they would fight it… was all still a mystery.

But if there was one thing Blaine knew, even as sleep began to take him, it was that Kurt would not be fighting this fight alone.