11. Limitless
(111) so promise me that we'll be the lionhearted
After one and a half year living in Tokyo with all the mishaps and whatnots, at 24, what Shimizu Kiyoko wanted in life was nothing extraordinary, really.
She wanted to change her carpet –the coffee stain Oikawa had left could not really disappear even after she washed it several times. She wished Yachi would get used to her new intern job in Tokyo. She hoped that this train she was on would start working again –the Karasuno folks had made their time to go to Tokyo just to throw a little surprise birthday party for Sugawara, and she, as one who had actually been living in Tokyo, just couldn't be late.
But most of all, Shimizu only wanted not to have any regret just because she was too afraid to do something.
The train speaker announced that the train would resume the journey in one minute, and as the train began to move again, Shimizu took a deep breath.
She was not going to half-ass anything again.
(112) hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
Define Oikawa in another one word, it would be lame, perhaps.
Tobio-chan bowing his head and requesting him to lend an ear? Let's ask Takeru to take a good picture of it. The wannabe colleague who tried to copy his clothing style? He would come to the office next day with an even better one (at the cost of spending a quarter of his monthly salary, but that was…okay, he supposed). Shimizu finally having the courage to confront her own feeling and express it to him? Oikawa would slam it to the ground just as hard as the ball he used to smash.
And while it was stupid and immature and useless and idiotic of him, being lame was probably still better than having things he held in his hands crumble. Everything had a limit. He knew that once one tried to grasp for more, those he had in his hands would fall. Oikawa vowed to settle with what he had.
So when Shimizu walked past him with a polite greeting, he would stand firm and turn his face away. His fist tightened inside his pockets as he made a slow chant to himself that everything would be alright, that everything would pass eventually.
But the tighter he gripped, the more he would lose. And by then, he would really not have much to hold.
(113) i'm sorry, summer, now goodbye
Sugawara's surprise party was a success –for the most part of it. Excluding the part where the party crackers were actually out by the time Sugawara actually came to his apartment (blame Tanaka and Hinata, who mistakenly blew the crackers for Daichi, Enoshita, and Yachi respectively) and the fact that only 12 people could make it, everything else was pretty smooth. Kudos for the planner, the very own fiancée of the Birthday Boy himself, who had not only tried to gather all but also requested the neighbors' permission for the little party.
And somewhere behind the festivity that night, Shimizu saw how Suga pulled his fiancée to a hidden corner behind the kitchen to lay one grateful peck on her forehead.
It surprised Shimizu the most because rather than feeling disheartened by that, the first thought that entered her mind was just how plainly adorable the stupid couple was.
Still, it was not something that she should have seen. So Shimizu made her way silently back to the living room –where all the other boys were playing the Ou-sama Game. She would have joined the commotion really (well, her definition for it? Sit on the couch and observe), but after few rounds of orders too drunk and too overboard (the worst was when Tanaka ordered Kageyama to draw a heart on Yamaguchi's butt cheek), Shimizu decided that she really needed to take a little break.
Yachi was already sleeping due to the excessive sake consumption by then, and tucked next to Hinata, Shimizu was not too worried. Shimizu smiled at Hinata first before she quietly exited Suga's apartment.
She had been leaning forward onto the railing in front of Sugawara's door when the door behind her creaked open again. The summer breeze blew onto her face just as Sugawara walked out of his own apartment and smiled at her.
"Thanks for coming, Shimizu," he said as he also took his place next to her –gazing at the empty street in front of his apartment building.
"No problem. Happy birthday again, Suga."
"Thanks!" the boy smiled so wide, his eyes were two crescents.
Shimizu smiled back, although she was not sure how appropriate this was actually. Sure, Suga and her were friends, but he was still someone's fiancée –and the very same fiancée was actually waiting inside the room. Shimizu decided that it was wise not to be alone with him at such situation. She was about to go back to the noise inside Suga's apartment when the boy suddenly spoke.
"I've told Sanae," Sugawara said –as if he could read what was on her mind. "So it's okay. And there's just something that I must say… and give to you personally anyway," he expressed, as he pulled out something from behind his back.
It was a card. Shimizu did not really need to read the content to know what card was it.
Her hands were kept steady to hold the railing and she was mildly reminded of how he had dealt with this as well approximately one year prior. That day, that day when Suga specifically took her to the station after the reunion with the Karasuno team. That day when Suga insisted that Shimizu could not hear it from anyone else. That day when Suga told her that he was getting married.
Suga must have been anxious because Shimizu still did not make any attempt to reach for the card. Sanae was still waiting inside the room. Suga had told Sanae everything, and for her to leave him alone to talk to Shimizu after all he had told his fiancé… Suga thought that there was no other woman as bighearted as her. That level of trust Sanae had for him… his fiancée might have been one troublesome young lady but there was no way he would trade her for anything in the world.
And that, in a rather bittersweet notion, included the personification of the college romance who was sitting quietly in front of him now.
"Shimizu," Sugawara began again. "I…I think we haven't made things clear before, and…" he trailed off.
"It's alright," Shimizu filled in when Sugawara failed to complete the sentence. "I think both of us already understand by now."
Sugawara wanted a closure. Shimizu wanted it too. What they once had was a story of loose ends. Neither had the courage to say the words back then, and Shimizu thought that maybe now, she could have the guts to say it. She must have it, she had to have that courage.
Especially after she witnessed herself how a certain someone bracing his biggest fear and confronting it.
At the very least, Shimizu owed him that certain courage.
There was a hesitant glance behind the small creak of the ajar door –tempted to make the move but would never allow herself to do it.
Shimizu smiled to herself. Her biggest fear and regret had been not telling Sugawara how she felt back then in college. She had wished all along that she would have the courage to do things so that she would not regret it later. But there were different types of courage. Courage did not mean that she had to blatantly put it into words; courage did not mean that she had to say words that were simply no longer necessary.
"Suga," Shimizu called his name and the boy looked up. "There's one thing that I should have said to you before."
If there were still words that she regretted not telling him any sooner, Shimizu knew that it could only be this.
"Congratulation," she said with an earnest smile as her hand reached out to take the wedding invitation.
And Shimizu thought that the dumbfounded and eventual sheepish grin on Suga's face were worth it. It was worth this closure, because suddenly, the weight of regret that she had carried all these years from college was slowly lifted.
"Thanks, Shimizu."
She shook her head and could only say one truth. "No. Thank you, Suga."
Thank you, and goodbye.
(114) and all the voices just burn holes
"You must be awfully free lately."
Oikawa turned his face from the box of DVDs in Iwaizumi's apartment in Yokohama. The said owner had just taken the pizza delivery and had returned to his living room again. There. The default expression on Iwa-chan's face: like he was ready to give some scolding again. Oikawa did what the cycle prompted him to do whenever Iwaizumi held that kind of gaze.
"Iwa-chan! Just when I want to make some quality time with my best friend, how cruel!" he mused as he snatched the pizza box from Iwa's hands and promptly opened it. "And you ordered one with pineapples! You know I hate them!"
Iwaizumi ignored Oikawa and proceeded to get some beers from his refrigerator. He wondered until when Oikawa thought he could be fooled. Bah. It was not as if Iwaizumi did not catch Oikawa staring at the wall with that pathetic expression of his before.
The black-haired man came back to the sofa with two beers on his hand. He threw one to Oikawa –one that he caught with ease. Iwa sat on the sofa while Oikawa maintained his spot on the floor –now busy peeling off the pineapples from the pizza slice, muttering nonchalantly about things –things that must have not mattered because they stopped rolling off Oikawa's mouth once Iwaizumi asked straight to the point.
"You broke up with Shimizu-san already?"
The hesitation lasted only for a second, and Oikawa shrugged it off easily after he opened the beer can. "Nuh. I don't do relationships, Iwa-chan. You know me. Though I must admit that yes, that one, whatever it is, it ends already."
"Why?"
Oikawa made a brief comment on how the pizza shop was basically a fraud for giving more pineapples than real meat before he made his actual reply. "Well why not? It's nothing serious anyway."
Iwa sighed audibly. "Trashykawa. At least say it straight to my face if you really mean it."
Oikawa obliged and turned his face to Iwa. With a shrug, Oikawa repeated, "I mean it. It's nothing serious."
"Wow. Now you can look into my eyes and dare to say that lie?"
"What's wrong with you today, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa laughed, and he hated how a tone cracked. "It really is…nothing," he quieted down after that.
Oikawa did not say a word after, even when Iwa waited for him to say it. Trying his best to suppress his temperament, Iwa then repeated his question, "Then why? If it's so important to you, why did you let it go?"
"…"
"Oi, Trashykawa –"
"It's too heavy," he eventually muttered. "Her feeling… it's too heavy."
"You don't want it?"
"I do!" he shouted. "But I can't."
"Why can't you?"
Oikawa stifled a dark chuckle. "Don't make me say it. You know me."
"Well apparently I don't really understand you at this point. Enlighten me."
Shaking his head, Oikawa only muttered, "Because I don't even believe in myself. I'm an asshole, Iwa-chan. I'm a scum. What if this is just a fleeting moment? What if I can't give her my all? I've never had a proper relationship before, Iwa-chan. And the closest thing to it, I hurt my ex as well, didn't I? And Manager-chan…" he sighed. "And Shimizu… I-I… I actually carefor her. She's just too important. I just can't do it to her."
"I don't understand."
Oikawa sighed and glared at Iwa when the latter just did not get it. "What if I end up hurting her in the end?"
Iwaizumi's reply came quick and spontaneous.
"And you think you're not doing it now?"
The statement caught him off trance. Iwa thought that it was so pitiful of him. Oikawa looked like he wanted to deny it, like he wanted to say something to the contrary, but at the end of the day, he only settled for one brief sentence. "…It's better that I do it now than later."
Iwa deliberated his next words. He was not usually this patient with Oikawa (well, he could stand him –but when things got like this, he was not particularly patient). Maybe it had something to do with Oikawa looking like a totally pathetic guy that even Iwa wanted to leave him the way he was. Sometimes the best way to teach Oikawa was really to hold him by the collar and threaten to push him down the cliff.
"Fine. Whatever. Just don't complaint later."
"…"
"I mean it," Iwa shrugged as he drank his beer. "Don't complain later when one day she moves on and you realize that everything is too late. When another guy, another guy with actual balls, takes her away. Don't you darecomplain, because shit face, you bring this upon yourself."
(115) oh, it's the best thing that you ever had
Iwa did not even have the slightest sympathy when Oikawa, in turn, only looked back at him with all colors drained from his face.
And a cruel best friend he was, Iwa did not mind kicking Oikawa's ass down the pitfall when things were necessary.
"Goddamnit, Oikawa," Iwa grumbled as he literally kicked Oikawa's back. "If you are not ready for that consequence, get your ass off here and do what you should have done in the first place, dumbass."
(116) where's my mind? (maybe it's in the gutter; where I left my lover)
And even as he carried his body in a dash out of Iwaizumi's place, in all honesty, Oikawa did not even know what exactly he should have done in the first place.
There were simply too manythings that he should have done: he should have called her by her real name and not a distant nickname such as 'Manager-chan', should have hold her hand tighter, should not have run away when she had confronted him with what she felt, he should have, he should –
–call her, meet her, see her.
Now.
Oikawa barely made it for the last train and thereafter, he ran from the station back to their apartment, and not to his room where he hid himself these past few months, but to hers, and …
"Shimizu!" he called as he knocked her door. "Shimizu, it's me! Open the door," his knocks remained unanswered.
When the fourth series remained unanswered (and neighbor in Room No. 503 opened his door to glare at him), Oikawa finally fished his phone and dialed her number (see? Add to the list of things he should have done that his lame self had not).
(117) they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
"Suga-chan, do you know where Shimizu-chan is?" Sanae asked her fiancée –seemingly one of the few who were not drunk that night.
Having just finished moving Narita into a more comfortable sleeping position on the floor, Suga straightened his back. "I think she and Hinata just take a little walk to help Yachi-san get some fresh air. What is it?"
The fiancée raised a phone. "She left her phone and there is a same number that's been calling her. Do you think we should answer? It seems urgent."
Suga approached Sanae to look at the caller ID on Shimizu's phone. "Who's calling –ah," he noted. Giving a small smile to his fiancée, Suga just grabbed the phone and told her. "I know this guy. Let me handle him."
(118) your axis on a tilt; you're guiltless and free
"Good evening, Oikawa-san."
Even the chilly night breeze could not beat the coldness that ran down Oikawa's spine when he heard the voice that answered Shimizu's phone.
Mr. Refreshing –whose voice was anything but refreshing to his ear.
"Ah, you," Oikawa growled. "Why are you answering her phone? Return the phone to her. I need to –"
"No," Suga replied with a tone so cheerful that Oikawa felt like he wanted to crush his own phone. "Our precious manager doesn't deserve a guy who can't understand her worth anyway. You've had your chance, and you missed it. Now, you'd have to face the wrath of the whole team for playing with our manager's heart."
"…Is that a challenge?"
"Of course, Oikawa-san."
"Where are you?"
"As if I'm going to make it that easy."
"Fine. You'll see," Oikawa declared before he turned his phone off. Narrowing his eyes, he glanced as his phone contact book and wondered.
Now, under what name did I save Tobio-chan's number with, eh?
(119) my friends don't walk, they run
After a very short but effective blackmail (Tobio-chan~ do you happen to know your Sugawara-senpai's address in Tokyo? Oh, by the way, I saw your CV on our company's HR manager's desk. Please respond accurately in 10 seconds or I'll burn your CV first thing first Monday morning ^^), Oikawa had Sugawara's address in his custody.
It took him exactly 14 minutes by taxi to reach the address, and by the time he got there, he found out that not only was there Sugawara Koushi present but also Kageyama and some other members of Karasuno VBC. And the one he wanted to see the most was nowhere in sight. He nearly wanted to send the deathly glare to Mr. Refreshing, but someone grabbed his collar and turned him.
"So, we've heard…" the bald, thug-like boy began as he loosened his knuckles. "…That this is the bastard who has dared to hurt our precious Kiyoko-san?"
Oikawa ended up having to endure one of the most humiliating interrogation he had ever experienced.
By the time the door opened again and Shimizu walked back in, Oikawa had been reduced to a piece of shit whose face was doodled with with writings which essentially meant that he was the lowest grade of scum on earth.
(120) and after all, you're my wonder wall
"What is the meaning of this, Oikawa-san?" Shimizu asked as she pulled the poor boy out of Sugawara's door (much to Tanaka and Nishinoya's protests –but Sugawara calmed them down). Shimizu really couldn't help but to wonder just how many kids she needed to take care that night: she had enough handling Yachi's first hangover and Azumane's bleeding forehead.
And now she had the most difficult kid to take care of.
"That wasn't my doing, Manager-chan!" Oikawa wailed as Shimizu dragged him out of Sugawara's apartment building. "Your awfulmembers were the one who did this to me! To my face! They really have no single –"
"Please sit down and shut up, Oikawa-san," Shimizu coldly mandated as she pointed out at a bench on the park near Suga's apartment.
He blushed and obeyed. "Yes…" he muttered automatically.
Shimizu only shook her head and took the seat next to him. She then opened the wet tissue package she had carried from Sugawara's apartment.
"Look at me," Shimizu instructed, and Oikawa could only do as much as fulfill her instruction.
He shuddered when he felt the familiar cold finger holding his chin steady as her other hand began to wipe the doodles on his face.
It was a stupid situation, and he probably had enough of a stupid expression even without the additional help of the stupid doodling by the stupid crows. Oikawa thought this was really never the way he wanted it to be. For a woman as perfect as Shimizu, he wanted this to be perfect as well. He wanted to look perfect to say the perfect thing at the perfect time in the perfect place, because hell, she worth even more than that and –
Shimizu exhaled a sigh and he already felt his entire existence shaken by the little gesture.
"You really should stop doing stupid thing like this because –"
"I love you."
And the sight of her: eyes widening behind her glasses and fingers retracted from his face, God, he did not know how he could even think to pass this blessing.
"What…" she weakly mumbled.
"I love you," he repeated, reaffirmed, and his hand found its way to hold hers. "You asked me to stop doing stupid thing? Then it was stupid of me not to say this before. So let me be a smart guy for once let me tell you that," his beg was translated through the tightening grip around her small fingers.
There was a moment where she was stunned, but it lasted only for a second, because she quickly pulled her hand off his grip and stared murderously at him. "You must be confused."
"No," Oikawa hurriedly said. The fear was crippling back –what if she no longer feels the same? – and he leaned forward to her and held her face so that she would look at him properly. "No. I'm not confused. No longer. I'm in love with you and I probably always do, all these times and –"
She pushed him away. "You told me it was heavy!"
And he did not deny it. "Yes, it is," he confirmed. "It is heavy, Shimizu. Your feeling weighs so much because it holds so much value for me and, and…" he sighed and at the end could only give one plea. "Please just tell me that it's not too late…"
Shimizu stared incredulously at Oikawa. Is it? Is it too late? A part of her agreed that yes, you should have told me this before. You should have told me earlier so that I don't have to feel all those agonizing nights where I wished you never walked in. You should have not turned my whole feeling into a shipwreck. And how can you be so sure that this is not one of your games again?
But another part of her only needed to look at those earnest brown eyes, and then she would remember the very first reason why she fell for Oikawa Tooru in the first place: the strong exterior built only upon years of dedication, the difficult character who would not stray away from his path once he had decided for it. Oikawa Tooru, the hardworking boy who was always too hard on himself –who made her want to embrace him always, be there for him, share his pain for him, and –
"…Are you serious about this?" she asked for one final confirmation.
He blinked for a moment, before his lips were pulled to form one confident smirk, and she just knew.
The determination.
It was all she needed to shake her fears away.
And she would not be afraid to tell him this now, because this was not a bubble that would burst, because she believed in Oikawa, and if he was serious in fighting this with her, then she would fight for it as well.
"I love you," she softly muttered as she pressed her forehead against his.
His reaction came delayed. Like, despite all he had said, he still could not believe what he was hearing. But then the realization sank in, and he just pulled her into a tight embrace and he felt the sense of completionwhen he felt her arms were wrapping him tightly as well. Oh, how he wanted things to be this way always and –
Oikawa's eyes narrowed dangerously when he realized that the bushes meters away behind Shimizu rustled ever so slightly.
"Shimizu?" he muttered briefly before he pulled himself away from her embrace. There was a mild disappointment on her face and just by looking at it he felt like his stomach was churning already. But it could wait, because the very first thing that he wanted to do right now was… "If I do this, will you promise to still be on my side?"
And before Shimizu could even question further, Oikawa quickly held her lower back and pushed her down. He laid his lips upon her and hungrily claimed the softness of her lips that he probably needed more than air at the moment. Oikawa eagerly bit her lower lip and the small gap she made was soon filled by his tongue –eager to dig in, savor her –
"O-Oikawa-san, what –" Shimizu only managed to squeak for a second before he shut her with another deep kiss. Because God and Demons above and under, the sight of her blushing furiously with eyes clouded like that and in his arms, his, so violated, so ravishing, it made him lose all control and he just wanted to, wanted to –
–drown. In the depth and weight of Shimizu Kiyoko that Oikawa only allowed himself to fall deep and deeper.
(121) do you hear that, love? they're playing our song
And Oikawa only stuck his tongue out in victory when the Crows behind the bushes exclaimed in horror.
"Oikawa, you bastard!"
The End
Song List:
111. Lionhearted – Porter Robinson
112. Closer – The Chainsmoker ft. Halsey
113. Goodbye Summer – f(x) feat D.O
114. Yellow Flicker Beat – Lorde
115. High and Dry – Radiohead
116. Bellyache – Billie Eilish
117. Big Yellow Taxi – Counting Crows
118. Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind
119. Madhatter – Melanie Martinez
120. Wonderwall – Oasis
121. All About Us – He is We ft. Owl City
A/N: I feel guilty to Oikiyo because I should have ended this fic in a better way, argh, but I just truly ran out of the flows.
But anyway, thank you for giving this fic a chance. Thank you for the comments in the previous chaps, so sorry I cannot reply them all but each is precious, but thank you very, very much.
And mostly, thanks for giving this OTP of mine a chance. I hope you can enjoy shipping Oikiyo as much as I do. If you're still willing to give me another chance, I'm still working on the closure for my other Oikiyo fic, but nevertheless, thank you all!