All the Pretty Little Horses

"Hey, Doc," Duo said as he entered the now familiar office. Jen was sitting in her chair, flipping through her small note pad. Her wavy, brown hair was pulled back with a butterfly clip and black wire-framed glasses pronounced the blueness of her eyes. Her clothes were similar to what she had worn before, but her suit was charcoal gray. She smiled warmly at Duo, as if she was welcoming an old friend--not a mental patient. Duo returned the smile as he shrugged out of his leather jacket and hung it on a hook by the door.

"Hello, Duo. I'm glad you came back," Jen greeted.

"Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't miss a chance of spending an hour with someone as foxy as yourself," Duo said as he sat down in the comfortable chair. Jen laughed, and opened her notebook to last weeks notes.

"Well, I'm honored to be 'foxy' enough to be your doctor," She said. Duo just winked.

"Do you remember our little agreement from our last session?" She questioned. Duo nodded, "You are seriously going to read the notes to me?" His tone was incredulous. He didn't think that she was serious, wasn't that against some sort of protocol? Jen noticed his expression.

"Did you think I was kidding?" She asked.

"Yeah, I don't know--so what do they say?"

"Before I start, I want you to know that I'm not going to sugar coat any of my notes. If you feel like you might not want to hear what I have to say, just tell me now."

Duo hesitated before he responded, "Go ahead. I can take it."

Jen nodded and began to read.

"Patient: Maxwell, Duo. Single Caucasian Male in early 20s. Eyes are alert, constantly observing surroundings. Almost seems to be calculating escape routes. Also seems very skittish about seeing a psychologist, perhaps slightly paranoid of my extensive notes," She read. Duo couldn't help but smile at the accuracy of her assessment so far. Jen adjusted her glasses and continued.

" He has a viable sense of humor, most likely serves a coping mechanism. Though joking, his body language is very closed."

At the mention of this, Duo uncrossed his arms and legs. He hadn't even noticed that he'd crossed them.

"Asks questions in order to stall. Body language becomes slightly more open as session continues. Shows affinity for Sally Po (might make an effective confidant). Speaks honestly, but tiptoes around details. Mildly receptive to the idea of Sally being a confidant, doesn't approve of her termination. Changes subject at the mention of the importance of family."

As she reached the end of her notes, she lowered the pad and looked at him. Duo was sitting silently, fiddling with the end of his braid. When he remained silent for a few moments she prompted, "So, what do you think?"

"Sounds reasonable to me," He responded. Jen nodded and flipped to a blank page. Her pen was poised and ready.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about first?" She questioned. Duo nodded and sat up straighter.

"I talked to Sally a little bit," He stated. She jotted down a quick note and looked up, "What did you talk about?"

"A little bit about my past. I told her what you said, about her becoming a confidant. And what she said after that---reminded me of this woman who had a hand in raising me. She was a nun. I told her."

"What did she say to that?"

"She said that I reminded her of a lot of things, and she mentioned the time when I had a flashback. I called her by my sisters name."

Jen nodded, "Do you have flashbacks often?"

Duo shook his head, "No…not like that. That's the only one that it was like I was really there."

"What are the other ones like?" She inquired. Duo distractedly rubbed the inside of his left wrist, and shook his head. He wasn't sure if he was prepared to divulge that other bit of information. Jen looked mildly alarmed when he grabbed his wrist. Duo noticed this and held up both hands.

"No cuts, no scars," He said pushing back the sleeves of his red fleece. Jen exhaled, visibly relieved. She didn't want to have to institutionalize him, those places do more harm than good for people like Duo.

"Good, very good. Now, please describe your other flashbacks."

"It wasn't a flashback really," He began , "I was at breakfast. I didn't really sleep that well, and I was thinking about my mother. She...she killed herself in front of me." His voice was barely a whisper. Jen waited patiently for him to continue. Duo wasn't looking at her anymore. But past her to her desk in the corner of the room. His caught the glinting of a silver letter opener.

"She took a switchblade to her wrist, cutting along the vein," He exhaled slowly, "Blood was everywhere. I was terrified and fascinated at the same time. Her skin was so pale and fragile. It's amazing that it holds everything in our body together, and that something as small as a blade could tear it all apart…" He trailed off, and abruptly shook his head. It was as if he was trying to shake the image from his mind. Duo sighed.

"I was eating breakfast with my roommates. Well that's not true, I was sitting there zoning out while my roommates ate breakfast. I was thinking about the fragility of my own skin, staring my wrist. I traced the same line my mother had made, with my finger. That's when I was sure I'd lost my mind." He said.

"What happened then?" Jen asked carefully.

"Blood poured out of the cut just like Ma's, and it was terrifying. I knew skin was fragile, but I just used my finger…I don't know how long was like that, just gawking at my wrists. Heero shook me and I snapped out of it. They were all staring at me. I had to leave."

"When did this happen?" She inquired.

"About a month ago." He replied.

"Where did you go?"

"Huh?" Duo asked confused.

"You said that your roommates were staring at you, that you had to leave. Where did you go?" She clarified her question.

"I just went outside. I just kept walking and walking to the point where I didn't know where I was. I was so lost, which made things worse---I normally have a great sense of direction. But things weren't right, I wasn't right. I couldn't get my mind out of the past, I couldn't stop the memories from over powering me. I just wanted to ground to open up and fall to hell, to see my mother again…" He trailed off again

"Why do you think your mother is in hell?" Jen asked.

"Father Maxwell said all suicides go to hell, I was young and impressionable then."

"Do you still believe that?

There was a very dark, very disconcerting smile on his face that almost made Jen nervous. Almost.

"Well. I am the God of Death, it would only make sense that my mother would be waiting for me in hell," He said.

"What makes you say that?"

"I never really believed in God, I never saw miracles. By the time I came to that church, all I had really seen was death. So I figured, a God of Death was much more likely to exist."

"So why are you the God of Death?" She questioned further.

"Death and destruction just seem to follow me, Jen. It's happened to many times to be coincidence." There was a deep sadness in his voice which had trickled to a whisper once more. He laced his fingers together, and rested his chin on the platform his hands made. Duo was silent as Jen's pen scratched across her notebook. His eyes were closed when she looked up.

"You said that because you'd seen so much death a God of Death is more likely to exist, right?" She asked cautiously. Duo nodded.

"Have you ever considered there to be a God of Life?" She asked. Duo tilted his head as he thought, then nodded slowly.

"I think there is--but I think it'd be a Goddess," He said.

"Why?"

"Because women are the only ones who can bring life into the world, can have life growing beneath their skin." He explained.

She smiled at the tender expression on his face, "Children are very, very wonderful." She agreed quietly.

"I know," Duo agreed.

"You know, children have a very funny way of healing you--that you don't even notice it as it happens." Jen said almost cryptically.

"What do you mean?" Duo asked.

"I think you should try a hand at working with children, it would be like contributing to life instead of to death as your used to."

"That's an interesting thought, I'll think about it."

"Good," Jen replied, she glanced at her watch.

"We've had a very productive session today, and it makes me very happy. We've talked about some very difficult things in your past, and I know we've barely scratched the tip of the iceberg--but progress is progress."

Duo nodded with a small smile. He started to get up. Jen stood too. Even in high heels she was shorter than him.

"Hold on, don't leave just yet. I've got something for you."

She had a model-eqsue walk, probably because of the heels. Duo idly wondered what Sally would look like in heels like that. Jen grabbed a box from under her desk, she rummaged around before pulling out crisp, new composition notebook. She strode over to where Duo stood and handed him the notebook.

"This your journal, you can write anything you want in it. Anything you have trouble vocalizing, or would just rather not say out loud. Your very first entry however, needs to be a letter. It doesn't matter who it's addressed to, but it needs to honestly convey your feelings about the things that weigh heaviest on your mind. This entry is going to be the only thing that you read to me. I will read the rest of the journal, anything you put in there that you don't want me to read---fold the page over. You got all that?"

Duo just nodded.

"Same time next week?" Jen questioned.

Duo nodded, "Yep. Same time next week."

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Wow, it's been like 4 months since my last update. Sorry you guys! Anyway, I hope you liked it. Feel free to leave suggestions and such in a review!

Syl