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"Table for seven, Khan." Yusef stated to the front of house man inside the door at Elliott's, and was led to a secluded section near the back of the restaurant, just as he had requested. Heavy antique and vintage furniture, rich décor and low lighting created an enveloping ambience of timeless history, a dark and intimate setting, a capsule where the sharp lines and harsh lights of modern life were but a memory of the future.
He was early, he had wanted to arrive before anyone else, make sure everything was under control and as it should be. He looked at his watch, and then surveyed the large wooden table before him, the dark grains splintering and bleeding into the richness of the timbre. Indentations and scratches marked its surface, each telling an unknown tale of its history and the people who had sat there, in other places, other times. The table was set back in an alcove, walls encroaching on 3 sides, 3 seats along the far side, 3 on the near and a single chair at the head, the other end open to allow access to the seating at the back. He declined a drink, said he would wait until the others in his party arrived.
Yes, he would wait. Wait calmly and patiently for it all to begin. When he had come to Walford he hadn't been entirely sure of what he would find there, his history was there now, but also his future, a future he had planned out in his head, during the many sleepless nights where he'd lain awake in the darkness, only his own thoughts and residue nightmares keeping him company. Scenarios had played out as images inside his skull, what should have happened all those years ago in Pakistan, what would happen here in Walford, London, what will happen to put things right, to return things to where they should be. Things he would make happen, to make his future his own, as his past had been taken so ruthlessly from him. But there had been uncertainties, unknown quantities, lies and deceit that were still preventing him from taking control of his nightmares, from taking control of his life. They were still mocking him, playing him, trying to take what was his, still, after all this time. He still didn't have it, have them, in completeness, they still had some power over him, a control that he had to take back, take back what was rightfully his, what he deserved, what he should have had.
He sat down on the first seat at the back of the table, so he could see those who would arrive soon, like he had planned. His exterior was mellow and poised but he couldn't deny there was a flutter in his stomach. A flutter of excitement, and of uncertainty of what would unfold. He could predict and plan through careful observation and consideration, but there was always that erratic nature of raw emotion, of denial and outrage, fear and despair, and yes, love, and want, and need. You could never foresee how a person would react when confronted with the very things that drove them, that made them who they are, when you challenged their very being.
And then he saw her, on the peripheral of his vision. Afia, his daughter. The one who kept his heart beating, his blood warm. She flounced towards where he was sitting, long dark hair framing her face in waves. He set a smile on his lips, a greeting in his eyes and waited for her to notice him.
She'd come straight here, due to lack of time, and there had seemed no point in going home first. Afia made her way to the table she had been directed to, looking forward to seeing Tamwar, to seeing him happy and knowing it was her who made him happy, looking forward to a pleasant evening of light-hearted chat, laughs, good food and… family. Then she saw him. Dad. Dad was here? She smiled at him, not able to hide the confusion in her eyes.
"What are you doing here?" Afia asked, then looked slightly worried, "Is there something wrong?"
"No, nothing's wrong," Yusef shook his head reassuringly, and stood up to kiss her on the cheek.
Before either of them could say anything else, there was the sound of familiar voices edging nearer. Yusef and Afia both turned to see Tamwar, Zainab and Masood just a few feet away. The Masoods halted abruptly in their tracks, words fell silent and movement stilled as all eyes locked on Yusef.
"What's he doing here?" It was Masood who broke the uneasy quiet, his voice angry and accusing. Zainab looked panicked, her eyes darting from Yusef to Masood. Tamwar stepped towards his secret wife, who was looking upset.
Yusef bent his head and spoke quietly to his daughter, "It's ok", before raising himself up to his full height and raising his arms in an open gesture, including them all, as if he meant to pull them all together or else draw them into his web.
"Please... I thought it would be nice if we could sit down and be civil, put all this silliness behind us, for Afia and Tamwar's sake," he glanced at the couple and smiled, "We are going to be family, all of us." His stare fell on Zainab as he finished speaking, she flinched slightly as if his eyes were looking too close, seeing into her, intruding where she didn't want them, she felt exposed, vulnerable, and here in front of everyone, in this public place, strangers and the people most familiar to her all alike.
The look did not go unnoticed by Masood, and riled him even further. He glowered fiercely at Yusef, dragging his eyes from Zainab and making Yusef look at him with his sharp tongue, "I am not sitting at a table with that man! He will never be part of my family!" He turned as if to leave, people at a table nearby turned their heads at the sound of raised voices.
"Please," Afia pleaded, her voice breaking with emotion, "I hate this! Can you not just try to get along. I love Tamwar, I really do, can you not see what this is doing to me, to us?"
Masood looked at Afia, he could see the anguish in her face, the pleading in her eyes. Tamwar put an arm around Afia, his face indignant, challenging his father.
A waiter passed them, "Is everything ok?", Zainab twitched and tensed uncomfortably, her gaze flicking around furtively, she could see people were looking and the people she couldn't see, she could still feel their eyes boring into her. Not here, she thought. Please don't make a scene here. Part of her wanted to run, run far away from the prying eyes and judging faces, but that would just bring more attention, more questions. So instead she tried to keep her mask of normality, keep her fear in check, she could almost feel herself shrinking inside, thoughts and feelings burying themselves deep inside so that she could go on, go on invisibly, unnoticed to those that didn't know.
Yusef smiled. They were so predictable he thought, so simple in their weaknesses. "Come now Masood, people are watching."
"Please Mas.." Zainab whispered under her breath, through clenched teeth, "Don't make a scene. Just sit down. For me, for Tamwar… and his future wife."
Masood glared at Yusef, and with his whole being wished he could wipe that smug, self-satisfied smirk of his face, for good. He fists clenched at his sides, finger nails digging into flesh, but he was barely aware of the sensation, all he could feel was a bitter anger and a desperate frustration that this man continued to manipulate them, to always manage to come out on top, like he was the good guy.
"Dad?" It was Tamwar this time, hand in hand with Afia, his youthful face, wise and innocent at the same time, asking a question with his eyes. Would Masood do this for them? Put his son and his future happiness before his own vendetta?
Masood gritted his teeth and his jaw set in a rigid, uncompromising line, his eyes hard like steal. But as unwilling as his mind was, his legs slowly relented and moved with a yielding fluidity towards the table. He sat down at the edge on the near side, looking at no one. He would stay. He was permitting them that, but they better not expect him to be happy about it, to engage in polite and meaningless small talk. He sat stiffly, silently, staring straight ahead.
Yusef smiled at his collected guests, from Zainab, to Tamwar and Afia, before he returned to the seat he had occupied earlier, directly in front of Masood. Masood watched him threateningly as he sat, his eyes following his every arcane movement. Yusef gazed leisurely back at him, his eyes gleaming with a hidden laughter, his lips twitching with concealed mocking.
I'll get you, Masood thought. Your time will come. This isn't over. In fact, he knew it was only beginning, that he had to remain strong and hold in there, he must not let Yusef get the better of him, he would show his true colours soon enough. Eventually Yusef would make a mistake, let something slip amidst that cool impenetrable exterior, and he would be waiting, and he would do anything, anything to protect what was his, his family, his reputation, his life. He had walked through fire to save Zainab before, and he would do it again.
Zainab breathed a partial sigh of relief as she saw Masood sit down. Dare she hope that they could get through the next hour or so without any arguments, any shame or hurt? The immediate respite from fear and tension that she had felt when Masood had backed down, when she had realised he wasn't going to cause a fuss, caused her stoical guard to slip briefly. She felt her emotions begin to slip back up, unchecked, felt her heart fluttering in her chest.
Then Yusef sat down. Opposite Masood. Zainab's past and her present sat face to face, only a length of battered and worn wood between them. She could feel her two worlds colliding, long lost secrets and shame, pain and anger, like a pressure cooker pressing against her mind, against her present life, against her future, threatening to explode, to self-destruct in such magnitude that the shards and splinters from the boom, would tear through the very fabric of her existence, her world, and all who inhabited it. Suddenly she felt like she couldn't breath, like the air had been sucked out in a vacuum and she was suffocating, her legs turned to jelly and she could feel her fingers tremble. She needed to get out, needed to find air, find space away from them, away from herself,.
"I.. I just have to go to the bathroom." Zainab said hurriedly, her voice sounding unnatural and not her own. She turned and fled towards the ladies, where she could take a moment away from all the eyes on her, scared of what they'd see laying inside.
Afia saw her father and Masood sit down, and relaxed a little, smiling gently at Tamwar's sympathetic and concerned glances. She led Tamwar by the hand, as she walked round the table and slid into the chair next to her father, Tam sat on the end seat beside her. She gave Yusef a look that let him know that she hadn't forgiven him yet, but appreciated the sentiment of what he was trying to do. But then another immediate worry clouded her vision and she searched his face dubiously. The worst wasn't over yet. There were still two guests to arrive, guests she'd invited. She feared it was about to all go horribly wrong, and that she was partly the cause. She felt her dad's hand on the back of hers, a tender touch of support, and then he looked at her reassuringly. He must know what he is doing she thought, she trusted him, it will be alright.
"Christian.." Syed said as he held the door, watching Christian walk past him into the restaurant. "Your button…" He nodded towards a wayward button on Christian's shirt that had somehow managed to get overlooked, in the speed of which Christian had had to dress himself.
"Oops, thanks." Christian grinned sheepishly, and pushed the button back into it's rightful place. Syed smirked wittingly back at him.
They were greeted by a member of staff and then led towards the back of the restaurant towards the table booked under Afia's name of Khan. They walked with light and warm hearts, exchanging brief little smiles and sportive glances.
Then suddenly and without warning, they caught sight of the familiar outlines and faces of the people waiting for them at the table.
"What the fuck?"" Christian looked quickly to Syed and saw his equally shocked and apprehensive expression. Turning back to the table he saw Tam and Afia, Yusef sitting beside them, Masood sitting opposite with his back to them, like they were about to participate in the most natural and normal thing in the world, all sitting down to dinner together.
Masood didn't turn around, but Christian knew by the way his shoulders tightened and his head rose slightly that he knew they were there. It was the first time he'd seen Masood since he'd come to the flat. He felt a familiar annoyance and frustration rise from his gut, but he didn't feel angry, or worse still, unsure of himself. In fact, as Masood finally turned around and looked him straight in the eye for a brief moment, he felt strong and decisive and almost... pleased. With a wicked glint in his eye Christian saw an opportunity too great to pass up, he would take great pleasure in winding Masood up as much as possible.
Syed eyed Christian sceptically, then turned back to the table, unable to comprehend what was going on. Yusef was openly staring at him, an enigmatic smile on his face. Masood's eyes flicked in his and Christian's general direction, before turning away again, only serving to emphasize the fact that he wasn't looking at them. Obviously this wasn't Masood's doing, he didn't want to be here, that much was clear, but there was an obvious omission to the gathering. Zainab. Where was his mother? Maybe it was Afia? Syed thought. Had she invited them all? Trying to force them all to get together, to get along? He looked in her direction, she seemed as baffled as the rest of them. If she had arranged it, she really had no idea at all what she'd let herself in for.
Afia spoke up suddenly, trying to breach the awkwardness, "Syed, Christian. I'm glad you could make it." There was a nervous, high pitched tone to her voice, that didn't sound entirely convincing. "We're… all here, this is…great, let's all have an enjoyable evening." It was obviously more of a plea than a statement.
Taking his cue, Christian jumped in, "Yes, let's! This is going to be such a delightful and enlightening evening. I've never been so excited at the prospect of so much fun, with all the people that I love the most." he declared, overdoing it a bit with the enthusiasm. Syed gave him a chastising look and he winked and smiled at him in mock innocence.
Christian could almost feel the tension in Masood mount. With large exaggerated moves, he strode over to Masood and plonked himself down in the chair next to him, his powerful arms resting on the table, long legs stretching out beneath, seeming to take up as much space as he possibly could. As Christian sat down, Masood become even more rigid and strained, like a coiled spring, winding tighter and tighter, it seemed like he was almost willing Christian to push him to snap, so that he could hit back.
Syed eyed Christian warily, what did he think he was doing? Typical Christian! Syed didn't know whether to feel mortified or proud. Then he felt Yusef's gaze on him, drawing him in and couldn't resist looking at him face on, looking into those strange eyes. Yusef was calm, too calm, the only one who didn't seem phased at all by this impromptu family gathering. He had a strong suspicion that this was his doing. One thing he knew for sure though, this mockery of a family meal was really going to happen. He felt uncertain, like everything was out of his control. He tried to regain some grounding, by way of polite behaviour and social decorum, in this incredulous situation that he had been totally unprepared for and now found himself in the middle of.
"Afia… thank you for inviting us." Syed gave her a tight smile, but was interrupted by a sarcastic muttered guffaw from Masood's direction. Christian shot Masood a venomous look.
Syed chose to ignore Masood and continued, "I... er, I thought it would be just… I mean I didn't realise…." but before he could get anything of any sense out, Yusef abruptly rose to his feet.
"Syed," Yusef said in greeting, taking control of the situation again. With his hand, he motioned genially to the solitary chair at the head of the table, adjacent to where he himself was sitting. "Please join us… sit down." Arm outstretched, remaining still, Yusef waited for Syed to sit.
Syed didn't want to sit down, and certainly not there. Not in the no man's land between Yusef and his father. He quickly glanced towards Christian, almost a cry for help, but Christian was still busy throwing daggers at Masood. The longer Syed hesitated the more he felt like the decision was being taken away from him, he saw Yusef nodding, indicating again for him to sit down. Perhaps he could walk around and sit next to Christian… he would much prefer to sit next to Christian, if he had to be here at all, but it would be so obvious, such an undeniable rebuke, and everyone else was sitting comfortably, well, not comfortably, but they were sitting at least, not fuelling confrontations. Feeling trapped, he conceded and sat down, Masood to his right and Yusef to his left. He regretted it almost instantly.
Syed barely felt the hard cushion of the seat under him, before she was there. The last piece in the jigsaw, a jigsaw seemingly impossible to fit together. The pieces were all here now, but no matter which way you turned them, they wouldn't fit right. You couldn't complete the puzzle, because you had no idea what the picture was that you were trying to complete.
Syed physically winced at the look of sheer horror on his Mother's face when she clocked him and Christian. He saw her brow furrow, in the same way he knew his own would. Quickly she tried to recover and her eyes flashed darkly, her neck and shoulders tensed.
"I think you're in my seat." She spat angrily in Christian's direction.
"Mum?" Syed implored.
Zainab ignored Syed, and lowered her eyes, her voice came out thick with controlled rage. "He…" she snarled, pointing a finger at Christian, "… has taken my place."
Christian shook his head despairingly at Zainab.
"Just sit down Zee." Masood snapped angrily. He hadn't wanted to stay in the first place, but she had wanted him to avoid making a scene, now here she was doing the exact same thing herself, she had a different set of rules for herself, obviously.
Zainab quickly looked up again, meeting her husbands demanding stare, willing her to comply. Feeling the fight drain out of her, she looked reluctantly at the one remaining space, right next to Christian and her shoulders slumped. With a non committal humph and a contemptuous look at Christian, she begrudgingly sank down on the chair.
Syed sat, palms face down on the table, registering the faces before him, trying futilely to read the situation, to get his bearings. Yusef gave a tight little smile. Afia offered a relieved smile to Tamwar, like the fact that they'd actually managed to all sit round a table meant it was all going to be ok. Tamwar gazed sympathetically at her naivety. His mother sat, eyes downcast, tracing the wood grain in the table, her lips a harsh line, shoulders hunched. And there was Christian. Syed locked eyes with his lover, the only ones he could read, could understand, felt a truthful connection with.
Christian's exuberance and joy at having a chance to wind Masood up from earlier had seemed to evaporate. Gone was his predatory position and he now sat with his arms pressed to his sides, hands clasped on his lap, knees together, like he was being squashed together. He raised his eyebrows at Syed in a silent SOS, and glanced in exaggerated fearfulness to his left and right, stuck in the middle between Zainab and Masood, the worst place he could possibly find himself. It was almost comedic, Syed would have smiled at him, rolled his eyes in mock exasperation, if he hadn't felt such a weight in his stomach, pulling him down, rooting him to the spot, overshadowing his thoughts and feelings.
Syed sat alone at the head of the table, feeling like he didn't belong there, had no place. He didn't want to be there. His father Masood, his mother's second husband to his right, Yusef, her first husband to his left, the tension between them charging the air before him, making it hard to breath. What was he doing here? What were they all doing here? He had the bizarre thought that he was expected to be some sort of chair person, like somehow he was expected to bring order to the disparity of thinking, the disharmony of objectives and diversity of personalities sitting in discord around him. He was suddenly acutely aware of the ridiculousness of it all, these combined and connected family members, their lives simultaneously revolving around each other and dispelling like opposing currents at the same time. After everything that had gone before, it was a miracle they were here at all, utterly surreal and unimaginable. Ridiculous, but not funny, definitely not funny.
"Well," Tamwar said, and casually picked up a menu from the table, knocking a knife from its carefully laid place setting as he did so, "Oops, better watch those knives, wouldn't want anyone getting stabbed accidentally," he paused, and raised his eyebrows, "Hmmm, anyone for starters?" He looked up to see several pairs of eyes on him, some with dangerous intent. "On seconds thoughts, maybe we should skip straight to dessert."