a/n: I'm sorry to everyone I upset with Edward's actions. I hate seeing Bella cry too. But please give him a chance to explain and redeem himself.

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Rated M for foul language and so on.

Bella couldn't handle gym. So, instead she went home and curled into a ball under her quilt and cried. She felt pathetic, but she didn't care. Sheltered in the warm cocoon of her bed, it felt good, cathartic even, to get it all out.

Her phone rang shortly after 3:00 p.m. Skeptical, she checked the caller ID before answering. It was Angela.

"Hi Bella. I, um, It's Angela. I'm just calling to see if you're okay. You seemed upset and then you didn't come to gym, and I was worried…"

"It's okay, Ange. I'm just not feeling very well. Thank you for checking on me."

"I could come over if you'd like – for a few minutes. I'm on my way home from school now. If you want some company…"

"No Angela. You don't have to do that –" But Bella stopped, reconsidering. Some girl time might be nice - therapeutic - and she'd wanted to become closer to Angela…

"Actually, yea – that sounds really nice."

"Okay." Bella could practically hear her smiling through the phone. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

Bella dragged herself from the warmth of her bed and padded across the hall to the bathroom. She splashed cold water on her face for the second time that day and blotted her eyes.

Angela arrived shortly after Bella deemed herself presentable, and she quickly made her way downstairs to let her in.

She greeted Bella with a hug and sympathetic smile before following her into the kitchen. Bella grabbed two water bottles from the fridge and they situated themselves at the table.

Once seated, Bella felt Angela looking her over appraisingly. She blushed under the scrutiny and hastily took a sip of her water.

"So what's wrong Bella? This has something to do with lunch, doesn't it?"

Bella fidgeted in her seat uncomfortably, and Angela quickly continued. "I mean, I don't want to pry or anything. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to; you just look like you could use a friend to confide in."

"No, you're right. I do, and it really means a lot to me that you're here."

Angela smiled warmly as she considered what to say. Evidently, she decided on a direct approach: "what's going on between you and Edward?"

It was the same question Jessica had asked earlier that week. But Angela was interested in so much more than just their sex lives. Her concern was genuine. So, Bella relaxed and began filling her in – omitting a few key details naturally. But she told her how connected she felt to Edward and how it already felt as if they'd been together for months, not days… He made her so comfortable, so content. And none of her usual reservations or insecurities applied at all. It just felt right.

And she told him how good her made her feel. "God Angela…the way he kisses me and… Please don't think poorly of me - I'm usually not like that. But when I'm with him it just…I dunno, it just seems like we're supposed to be together, and I can't ignore that feeling. I've never felt like this before. There's just something about him, and when we're…" Bella broke off wistfully. She was so angry and he'd hurt her so much, but she could still feel it.

"But what do you think?" Bella looked across the table imploringly. "Am I just overreacting? Rationally, I know that I have no right to be upset over this but—"

Angela stopped her. "Bella, sweetie, of course you do. You care about him and he hurt you. You felt like you could trust him – and maybe you still can – but he wasn't honest with you. You have every right and reason to be upset. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. Give him a chance to explain himself. If you really like, I mean, love him," Angela corrected herself quickly, "then it's certainly worth that."

"And Bella, from everything you've said about Edward, it makes me think that there has to be some explanation. Don't you?"

"I know, I know. And I hope so desperately, I do. But I was so open with him – so honest – and he, well, he wasn't. I just don't really know what to think now."

"Just give him time to explain first sweetie."

Angela stayed for a while. Their conversation drifted away from Edward, and Bella savored the well-needed break from her reality. It was so easy to talk to Angela, and she made it easy to forget, momentarily, the rest of the world (which, of course, consisted half of guys, most of which were, apparently, assholes). But Edward… well, that remained to be seen.

Ben was currently the object of Angela's adoration. "You see, he's just truly gorgeous. And his brown hair and blue eyes..." She sighed.

Bella laughed as Angela explained the alleged weirdness factor of people with brown hair and blue eyes. Not quite natural, but so incredibly sexy.

She said she was totally in love with him, but honestly, they decided, it was probably more appropriate to consider it 'unrequited like' or something. Because, after all, can you truly love someone who you never really talk to? Except, of course, when you run into him in the hall or when he comes over to your lab table asking for paper or tape or a pencil? Not so much.

"But then, there was this one day," Angela continued, "when he came up to me at lunch as was like 'cool shirt,' and I spent the rest of the afternoon secretly worshipping Mike Ness and remembering why Social Distortion was my fucking god. But of course, at the moment, there were just these fifteen seconds of awkward silence. And then he said something like 'I guess I'll see you around,' and I think I probably mumbled incoherently. So lame. But I was so incredibly and ridiculously happy over three minutes of conversation, and he was probably, like, yea whatever."

Both girls laughed until their stomachs hurt.

"I do have problems with incoherency around Edward too. Yours is not a singular affliction."

Angela left soon after Charlie arrived home from work; it was late, and she had homework to do. Bella didn't really feel like preparing dinner, so she simply made sandwiches for herself and her father. Once again, she appreciated Charlie's taciturn nature; he was content to eat in silence. And she really did not want to talk about her day.

After cleaning the dishes, she kissed her dad goodnight and headed upstairs to get ready for bed.

oOo

Edward was the first one in the parking lot after school. He waited, leaning up against the door of the Volvo, running fingers through already disheveled hair and looking as anxious as he felt. (Which said a lot, considering his natural inclination toward stillness).

But he had to see her. She was so upset, so angry with him. And he had expected that her feelings might be injured a bit when she found out about… But he had not anticipated that reaction.

She was supposed to understand. They were going to talk about it and she was going see that his past experiences only confirmed, wholly and completely, that they were supposed to be together.

Bella was meant for him.

But then she was so hurt. He hurt her. He hurt Bella. And to see her cry… God, she tried so hard to just act angry, but she couldn't hide the tears. And all that pain – all that pain he caused – just welling up inside her and spilling out.

The pain felt as though it could actually kill him. Her pain. It spiraled through his limbs and tore at his insides. 'This is atonement for all my sins,' he thought darkly. That was it. The fierce, unrestrained, self-directed hatred washing through his veins, saturating his very being.

But what was worse was that he couldn't even understand it. She said he lied to her. Of course, he never intended to cause her pain. But lie to her? He certainly never lied. He'd only been entirely open and honest with her.

He told her what he was.

Aside from his own family and those others like them, he had never told anyone that secret. And he never would. But he told Bella.

And when she ran from biology, nearly tripping over her own damn shoelaces on the way out, he couldn't even follow her. He couldn't even move; he was so stunned by her words, her accusations. He didn't know what to say – if he could get her to listen – to make it right again. To make her happy.

So he waited for her, anxious and fidgety and absolutely beside himself with misery over what he had done to her. He stood by his car, staring at the gym watching for her to appear. But she never did.

She must have left early. He quickly scanned the parking lot for her atrocity of a vehicle. No red Bella truck. She really didn't want to see him. Alice's vision had in no way included this reaction. What good was a psychic if she couldn't see all the angles?

Edward drove home quickly, hitting forty as he exited the parking lot, sixty by the time he made it to the corner. He had to see Alice.

She'd offered to ride home with Rose, Emmett, and Jazz when he'd optimistically thought he could have some time alone with Bella to talk. Now, Alice was waiting for him, sitting on the steps of the front porch.

You have to fix this you know.

"Yes. But how?"

I'm not sure yet. She's upset. Thinks you lied to her. What did you say to her Edward?

"I think she feels I was untruthful about my past, about Tanya."

Tanya? You mean you hadn't told her about that Edward? But y'all are, you know… An image of Bella and him, together in her bed, flashed through Alice's mind. She was naked, save her black panties, and stretched out on top of him as he ran his hands across her soft skin, tracing fingers over her ribcage., the bones of her shoulders.

His stomach knotted involuntarily with excitement, but he felt a twinge of embarrassment as well. Obviously it was not possible to keep secrets in their family. Alice could see, in vivid detail, everything he did to Bella before he'd even had the pleasure of experiencing it. Still, Edward's relationship with Bella was so…extraordinary that part of him felt it should be beyond the reach of Alice's visions.

Edward.

Alice's thoughts cut through his silent reveries.

You should have told her. She would have understood. Hell, she would have probably pretended that she didn't even care – and then gotten over it in like ten seconds. But now she thinks you're hiding things from her. And for your relationship in particular, with its…unique circumstances and all, well, she needs to know that you're always one hundred percent open with her.

"Yes. I understand that now. But I was honest with her. I told her that I'd never experienced anything like her before. It was so important to me that she knew that. Alice, I've never felt this way before. I didn't even realize it was possible to love someone as deeply and intrinsically and completely as I love Bella. I'd never even dreamed of it. And I thought she understood."

Wait. You told her that you'd never experienced anything like that before? When, Eddie? When you were naked together?

"Why does that matter?" he asked her curtly. Alice looked at him like he was clueless and, in all truthfulness, he felt that was.

Edward. Alice shook her head in disbelief. She thought you meant what you were doing then. She thought you were telling her that you'd never been with another girl like that before.

It was all starting to become clearer now, but, he had to defend myself to Alice. "Well, perhaps I was a little vague."

A little!

"But really it's all true. I've never experienced anything like Bella. And when I'm with her, it's like nothing I've ever even imagined. Tanya, well, there's nothing to even compare! Just one look from Bella turns me on so much more than anything Tanya ever did to me."

Whoa. We don't need to get into any specifics now. I've totally cleansed my brain of all the Eddie/Tanya visuals. I so don't need to revisit that experience.

But you need to think about this logically Edward. Bella's mind doesn't work the same way yours does. And she certainly doesn't seem to get your whole distinction between what you did before and what you're doing with her now. All she understands is that you told her you'd never experienced anything like fooling around in bed with her before. And then she finds out, in the crowded fucking lunch room no less, that you've had sex with some other chick. Not cool Edward. Not cool.

He took a deep breath. "I've really messed this up, haven't I?"

Looks like it bro. Looks like it. But it will all work out eventually. Trust me on that. Alice winked and another vision flashed through her head. In this image, Bella was once again naked, but in my bed this time. And he was doing far more than touching her breasts…

"When?"

Dunno. But I wish you two would kiss and make up already, so you can get around to fucking each other. I'm getting pretty sick of the Edward/Bella porno reel… And you know Jazz gets kinda jealous when I'm watching sex tapes all the time that don't star him and yours truly. Alice smiled deviously and moved lithely to her feet. Give her some time to cool down and go over there Edward. Talk to her. It'll be okay. She loves you.

Talking with Alice made him feel infinitesimally better. At least he'd seen from her vision that they would be back together, happy again, eventually. But he still needed to deal with the immediate issues. How could he explain himself to her? Fuck. He was such an idiot. How could he not see that Bella would interpret those words the wrong way?

He was in her room, waiting, when she came upstairs after dinner. Her eyes widened momentarily when she saw him, but she just took a deep breath and nodded. She had been expecting him. He smiled inwardly at her reaction. She wasn't going to kick him out. She would listen to what he had to say.

She sat down on the edge of her bed and undid the barrettes from her hair, massaging the crown of her head where the pins had kept her curls in place all day. Her delicious scent swirled around him, scattering his thoughts and making him forget momentarily why he was there. But then she looked up at him pointedly, waiting.

"Bella, please, listen to me, I'm sorry…" He tried to put the words together coherently – find some way to say what he needed to say so she would understand. But his voice was thick and it sounded all wrong.

And so he moved over to her and kneeled down beside her bed. He took her small hands in one of his and placed the other right above her knee. She cringed slightly but did not pull away. She just looked down at him with those brown eyes…

And somehow he managed to choke out "I'm sorry Bella. And I love you. I love you so much."

And Edward realized then that it was the first time he'd actually said those three words to her. But of course, it was true. It had always been true. And she must have realized that too because he could hear her pulse quicken, and she sucked in a breath. But she said nothing.

And he was shaking and trying to tell her that he never wanted to hurt her, and if she would just listen she would understand. But he could tell that she wasn't really listening. And he couldn't read her thoughts (of course), but he knew that she didn't really believe him. She wanted to, certainly, but he betrayed her trust and would have to work hard to earn it back.

He cursed himself, wondering how the hell he could have been such an asshole to let all this happen, and wondering how I could fix it…get it back to the way it was supposed to be.

If he could cry, he would have been sobbing. Instead he just hissed and clenched his eyes shut. And his shoulders heaved uncontrollably, as he rubbed his cold cheek against her soft hand. He didn't look up into her face because he knew it would just make him lose it, and he already felt wretched and empty inside and sick, so sick.

"God Edward," she whispered. And tears formed in her eyes just like this afternoon, and he just wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her and hug her and kiss those tears away and stroke her hair and tell her that everything would be alright and he was sorry… God was he sorry.

But all he could do was look up at her and rub his thumb tentatively over the back of her little hand. And he was afraid that she would pull it away from him too. He wanted to just grab on and cling to her for dear life because he could not lose her. She was everything to him. And, suddenly, he felt like he was drowning.

But then she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and rested her chin on his head. It was a loving motion – of course (Bella all warmth and lilacs and goodness and love). But she was not looking at him anymore; she just stared off into space. And he could tell that he was not going to get through to her there. Not then.

And so Edward put his head down, gasping into her lap and sobbing without any tears. He rubbed one hand against her leg. There, his hand felt safe and warm; it was a feeling he never wanted to forget.

She tried to move him from in front of her, saying something about Charlie. But he didn't want to move; he was afraid, if he did, he would not be able to make her understand.

But then she knelt down on the floor beside him and buried her face in his chest. He wrapped strong arms around her, breathing her in, savoring the feeling of his arms around her body.

"Edward. I thought I loved you too. More than you know. But I can't— I just need a little time to think things through. You hurt me so badly; I just can't pretend like it I never happened…"

He knew he couldn't say or do anything else that night. Alice's visions gave him a modicum of comfort, but hardly enough to still his anxiety or misery. Hopefully Bella just needed time. Time to understand what he meant. Time to see that they belonged together. Time to fall back in love.

Edward dragged himself away from her and stood up. She didn't move. She just sat there, knees folded underneath her body, tracing lines in the wood floor with her fingers. He took a deep breath, washing her fragrance through his insides, feeling the warm-blooded heat of her body. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Please remember that I love you."

a/n: Thank you so much for all your wonderful comments; you all make me very happy – even when I'm angry at Edward. And, you've helped me figure out Bella's reaction. Party's up next. Yay. Should be up tomorrow :D

Violet.