I own no part of SON
The room is freezing and the mattress is unfamiliar. I've been tossing and turning for hours but I just can't fall asleep in the little twin bed in my brother's apartment. Every now and then I hear footsteps in the hall, then the shutting of a door. My guess is Ashley is wandering the apartment.
My watch reads 2:45am. Dear God. Outside the apartment I can hear the wind howling and I can almost feel the building bracing against the powerful winds. The sound of the toilet flushing reminds me that I actually have to pee. When I swing my legs onto the floor they are met with carpet and it's a welcoming change from the deathly, cool tile of my apartment.
As I'm leaving the bathroom and trying to prepare myself for the chilly bedroom I hear a sound that makes me smile. The crackling of a fire. The thought of sitting in front of a hot flame makes me almost trip over myself trying to get to the living room.
There is evidence that Ashley has been in here everywhere. The fire roars in a welcoming manner, there's a steaming mug of what appears to be tea, and a bowl of gummy bears. A closer examination confirms my theory that she has indeed already eaten all of the red ones. The only problem is she's not sitting here, where'd she go?
"Hey."
This time I'm the one who jumps as she whispers in my ear from behind me.
"Crap Ashley, you scared the bejeebies out of me." I'm clutching my chest and she's holding back a smile.
Her hand that was resting on my shoulder drops, "Sorry Spencer. Did I wake you up?"
When she looks at me its dead in the eyes and there's an unwavering force behind those pools that makes me forget what we are talking about.
"Uh no um I can't sleep." And now I'm staring at the horrific marks all over her face. There's even one that runs basically through her left eye and I wonder if she can see out of it.
"They don't hurt anymore." Her voice is bitter and her eyes leave mine. For a second I consider hugging her but I'm deathly afraid of scaring her even from such an affectionate action.
I break the harsh tension by plopping myself in front of the fire and popping a gummy bear in my mouth.
"I don't know how you can eat these like they're a bowl of popcorn." I swallow down the chewy goop and smile up at the brunette. Ashley gives me a grateful look and settles herself next to me on the floor.
She shrugs and reaches for the bowl, "I don't know. I guess it's just a habit from high school that stuck with me. I do some of my best thinking while snacking on these little guys."
We both chuckle and settle into a comfortable silence. As I watch the flames dance my eyes start to droop and I can feel her staring at me.
"Spencer," her voice is low and soft, "you're tired you should go to bed."
I rub at my eyes and turn to look at her, there's a gentle smile on her face.
"No, no I'm ok. Besides I have to keep you company since you can't sleep."
"Don't be ridiculous go to bed." Now her voice sounds bossy, like my mom's.
Looking around the living room I notice just how giant the couch is.
"I'll make you a deal," I'm brilliant and she actually looks intrigued, "I'll go to bed but so do you. We'll both sleep on the couch."
The idea must frighten her because she looks utterly terrified.
"Uh Spencer I don't know…"
I roll my eyes and pull her to her feet, catching her off guard.
"I do. Come on. You sleep with your head down there and I'll sleep with mine at this end."
After several minutes of coaxing and arrangement we are both finally settled on the couch. This couch is heavenly compared to that awful bedroom. I'll have to remember to tell Glen to fix that shit.
"You still awake?"
Her voice is timid, like a child's.
"Yeah Ashley, what's up?"
"Do you ever wish things had turned out differently?"
I pause and realize of course that the answer is yes.
"Yes," I turn onto my other side, "I always wonder if just one decision would have been made differently if our whole lives would be changed."
"I never thought it'd all turn out like this." Her voice isn't sad but it is weary like she very seriously just can't fathom how life unfolded like it has.
"I guess all we can do is move on with what we have you know? Try to make our lives the best they can be."
She doesn't answer but I swear I hear her mumble something like 'easier said than done' and I drift to sleep imagining a different reality.
X X X X X X X X X X
5 months later…
"I just don't understand why you are so upset!"
"Seriously? I mean you're just screwing with me right?"
She flings the door open and storms inside her apartment with me following behind totally clueless as to what is the issue.
"Uh no not screwing with you. I thought we had fun tonight and everyone was perfectly nice."
She whirls around and steps right into my space, making me take a step back.
"Were you even at the same party as me?" Her face is full of fear, disbelief, and anger, it makes for a heartbreaking combination but it doesn't help but understand what the hell is going on.
I speak very slowly and very carefully, "I honestly have no idea why you are mad."
Alright I guess I should explain…I am now having my first big fight with what I guess you could call me girlfriend. Remember Amy? Well somehow we ended up dating and really enjoying each other. Ok well we were just at Kyla's birthday party which was super nice and beautiful. The Davies were there and so was Ashley (she brought some skank with her) as well as my mother, me, Glen, and I decided to bring Amy. Apparently bringing her was a mistake. There were other people there but they really don't matter.
Ok I think that covers it.
"I can't compete with her!"
And the truth comes out!
"Amy what the hell are you talking about?"
"All night all I heard and saw was everyone loving Ashley and mentioning her to you and asking why you weren't together. You never told me that you guys had that much history. And let's not forget the fact that she's gorgeous."
Now Amy is crying on the couch and looking at me with watery eyes.
"I told you we went out."
"You failed to mention that you guys were in love, that you've known each other for forever, and that you're the reason she joined the army or whatever! Everyone loves her."
I try to sit next to her but when I get close she springs up and starts the pacing again.
"Everyone really liked you. My mother was ready to date you herself." I chuckle and Amy does not appreciate this noise, sending me a death glare. Oops.
"So this is all funny to you?"
Uh in an absurd way, yes.
"No Amy, I just still don't understand. I'm with you aren't I? We've been good for months."
She releases a deep sigh and this time sets herself at the kitchen counter.
"We're good as long as we aren't around Ashley. The way she looks at you…"
"There's nothing I can do about how she looks at me!"
And this is true what in the world am I supposed to do about Ashley's looks. Amy's totally overreacting…
"You can help how you look at her."
Or maybe not.
"Oh come on don't be ridiculous." And now I'm on the defensive.
"Spencer, I'm not stupid. Are you in love with her?"
I open my mouth to answer but snap it close. Am I? Amy just nods like she's known this for years and gives me a broken smile.
"Amy, just listen. I don't want her ok? I'm here with you." I grab her hand and stare at her, trying to make her see that I mean what I'm saying.
"I believe you that you want to not love her but you should see how you look at her. You've never looked at me like that. She walks into a room and your whole demeanor changes and your eyes follow her. And she looks at you the same. There's this spark that every other person in the room can see between you. Apparently you're the only who doesn't see that spark."
This cannot be happening. I am in absolute like with the crying girl in front of me and she can't see it. Yeah so maybe I don't love her but what's wrong with that? We've only known each other for like 6 months. There has to be something I can say or do to stop what I know is coming next.
"Amy, Amy please please stop overthinking this. Yes we have a long, complicated relationship so I've been through lots of shit with her. She will always be a part of my life but because I've been through all that I want easy, I want fun, I want what you and I have. Can you understand that?"
Her tired eyes meet mine and I can already tell I've lost her.
"Spencer, you should just go. I'm exhausted."
I nod and start to leave her apartment.
"Will you call me?"
For ten seconds she just stares at me then gives an affirmative nod accompanied by a defeated smile. I softly shut the door and take a deep breath. Holy crap.
As I start the trek home I pull out my phone and punch my brother's number.
"Hey evil twin what do you need?"
His greeting is one that he finds utterly hilarious; it just makes me want to kick him in the shins.
"I have a very serious question to ask you."
Glen must hear the desperation in my voice and understand how severe the situation is.
"Ok, what's the question?"
"Do you think I'm in love with Ashley?"
Please say no please say no please say no…
"Oh absolutely. Can you honestly say you aren't?"
My bus rumbles to a stop in front of me.
"Glen I have to go."
"Spencer, you need to figure this out before someone gets seriously hurt."
"I'm not going to hurt anyone."
He sighs, "I meant you."
His words hit me like a train. It's then I realize I'm gonna end up with nothing if I don't do something.
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