Right, well I'm hoping like hell this chapter makes sense. If it doesn't please let me know and I will do my best to explain, because at last we're in Ianto's head and I don't mind telling you that I got muddled trying to keep this whole thing understandable.

Enjoy!

Chapter 11

"How can he just… I mean he can't… I just don't… what the FUCK?" Owen lashed out and knocked his computer screen off his desk. The computer let out a shrill beep of displeasure as the screen sputtered and sparked before giving up any hope of recovery and dying. "What does he think he's doing? He could get himself killed! Is that what he wants?"

"No."

Owen snapped his body around so he was facing Jack, "What?"

Jack sighed, lifting his chin, "Ianto's not trying to get himself killed, he's trying to have control."

"Control."

"C'mon Owen, you're a doctor, and you've been a doctor since before you joined Torchwood. We both know that people who suffer from abuse can develop an obsessive compulsion to have everything under their control. That's exactly what Ianto's doing. Don't you remember what he said back in the house? This is about him, and his choices. He chose how he wanted to live but we ignored his choices. To him, we took away his control over his life. He'd made a decision about Ivor, and we went against it. That's what this is all about. What we just saw… he's recreating the scene of the rape, but under his own terms. He's convinced himself that he's in control because he needs to feel like there is some part of his life at least that he can have control over. He's got control over us by making sure we don't ask about Ivor, he's leading us along." There was something in Jack's voice, Jack's eyes that told Owen he knew exactly what he was talking about.

"So… what do we do? We need to know what he did to Ivor, and we need to stop him from doing this self-destructive stuff. For all we know he could have contracted an STD. Christ, he could have gotten HIV for all we know."

"We'll get a blood sample, but we can't force this. It'll only make this worse."

Owen blanched at the thought that things could get worse than they were.

"What do we do?"

"Ok… it kills me to do this to her, but we're gonna need Tosh."

The doorbell had been ringing incessantly for the past fifteen minutes. Ianto could not stand the sound of the doorbell, or the telephone. He never had. His pessimistic side always warned that nothing good would come of answering either. But the sheer annoyance of it drove him crazy too. It was like a demanding, rude person shouting 'Speak to me now, speak to me now! I don't care what you're doing, speak to me now!' at him.

"Fucking Jack!" he hissed, getting out of his bed, grunting at the pain that shot through him as he moved. He stomped down the hall and threw the door open,

"YES!"

Tosh squeaked as she stood there in his doorway, clutching pizza and beer and looking like a deer caught in the headlights. The two stared at each other with wide eyes, neither sure what to make of the other. Tosh couldn't believe how awful Ianto looked, and Ianto couldn't get his head around the bizarre normality of Tosh with pizza and beer.

"Tosh… what are you doing here?"

"I heard you weren't feeling well and I thought I would keep you company. There's nothing going on in the Hub, so Jack gave us the day off." Tosh did her level best to sound casual, and was pretty happy with her success. Ianto however, just looked suspicious.

"Look Tosh I-"

"I brought your favourite, with pineapple. And your favourite beer too. And I've got a tub of ice cream making my bag sticky as it melts. So… let me in before I have to send you to the dry cleaners with my bag. I like this bag." Tosh widened her eyes with a smile, trying to make it impossible for Ianto to say no. Ianto sighed and stepped out of her way.

"Ok. Come in."

"Thanks." Tosh all but ran inside, in case Ianto changed his mind. She set the pizza down on the counter of Ianto's kitchen and reached for the plates, knowing exactly where they were after the previous times she'd done this sort of thing with Ianto. "Will you take the ice cream out of my bag and put it in the freezer while I dish out the pizza?"

Ianto sighed and picked up the bag, rummaging inside it. He frowned when he pulled out the ice cream tub –his favourite flavour of that too- and a banana and a carrot.

"Tosh, have you started a bizarre new diet? The bananot diet or something?"

"Hmm?" Tosh grinned genuinely at the fruit and vegetable. "Oh no, they're for the rabbits. Why don't you let them out of their pen and I'll cut these up for them."

"Ok." Ianto wandered into his rabbit room, where his two rabbits, Senor Fluffles, a sandy coloured Flemish Giant of 18 pounds, and Bartholomew (Bart), an all black Britannia Petite of 1 and a half pounds, lived in their pen and hutch that took up most of the floor space. Bart was cleaning his face with his tiny paws, and Senor Fluffles was nibbling on the apple log that helped keep their teeth healthy. When Ianto walked in, Senor hopped straight over and went on his hind legs, straining to reach him at the edge of the pen. Ianto crouched down and poked a finger through the mesh. He smiled when Senor licked his fingers.

"Want to hop around the house for a while, eh?"

Senor's ears twitched and his nose wiffled at Ianto in what he'd come to understand was an excited gesture. Bart lifted his head from his paws and straightened up. Ianto grinned a little as he lifted the roof of the pen –a necessity because Bart liked to climb the sides of the pen and get out, which had resulted in many chasings at inopportune moments- then swung his legs inside so he could scoop Senor up and set him down on the floor.

"You're getting heavier by the day Senor." he told the Giant, who blinked at him. "Might have to put you on a diet if you get any bigger, or I won't be able to lift you."

Senor looked bewildered as he was set down. Ianto chuckled at the dumb expression. Senor was the incarnation of the description 'big and dumb but sweet.'

Bart, who could fit in Ianto's hand, was no sooner set on the floor before he was racing out of the room. Senor lopped after him, his back paws loud on the floor. It was always easy to know where he was, just because he was so noisy. It was especially funny to Ianto whenever he tried the stairs. Although he was forever worried that coming down them one day the big bunny would trip and fall to his death. Bart just hopped, Senor had to climb.

"Hello Bart! Hello Senor!" Tosh was always happy to see them. Especially Senor. He'd let her cuddle him to death after the incident with Mary. Ianto went back into the kitchen just in time to see Tosh give the two rabbits a banana slice each. "They seem hungry."

"I haven't fed them their usual carrot and cabbage mix yet."

"Ah." Tosh seemed to be at a loss at what to say next and simply petted Senor's head as he nibbled the banana slice from her fingers. Senor never bit people. Bart on the other hand had a tendency to nip people who annoyed him on the ankles, especially if you sat in his chair. Despite Ianto's patient training, he hadn't broken the habit –although lately he'd only bitten Jack, whom he didn't seem to like. At the moment that made Ianto smile.

As Senor finished and Tosh straightened up, she caught Ianto's eyes and they stared at each other. Ianto knew exactly why she was there and she knew he knew and was embarrassed about it all. Ianto sighed, folding his arms.

"C'mon, the pizza won't eat itself… at least I hope it doesn't. Cardiff's got enough to worry about."

Tosh smiled, nodding. "Got any new movies?"

"Nothing that I haven't already watched, you choose."

"Ok then." Tosh browsed Ianto's library of movies and eventually selected her favourite, popping it into the player and sitting on the couch next to him. Señor hauled his great bulk onto the couch to nestle against Ianto's thigh. Bart sat in his own seat. Tosh tossed a few pieces of carrot to him and he was happy enough to eat them, ignoring the others. Ianto nibbled at the pizza, not really paying attention to the movie. His free hand rubbed behind Señor's ears and he kept throwing Tosh glances, waiting for her to start questioning him.

But Tosh stayed quiet through the whole movie, then, as it finished, just said,

"Ice-cream?"

"Um… sure."

Tosh gave him a bright smile and went to get the ice cream. Ianto frowned after her and then glanced down at Señor. The Giant stared up at him, blinking slowly as if he was as confused as Ianto. Bart hopped down from his chair –Ianto had built a set of steps made out of books to allow easy access to the chair. He'd had to sacrifice those books to the cause forever, because Bart got irritable if Ianto messed with them. Good thing he could buy copies. As Tosh came back in, she paused to crouch down and feed Bart a bit of banana. Bart ate it from her fingers, then licked her fingers clean. Tosh giggled and petted his head. Bart backed away from her and jumped into the air, twisting as he came back down. Ianto laughed,

"You've just been binkied Tosh."

"I'm honoured." Tosh smiled as she sat beside him after giving Bart a pet. She handed him a bowl of ice-cream and they ate in companionable silence. Ianto finished his bowl so it was almost sparkling clean again, and set it down on the floor. Tosh licked her spoon and then said,

"It's scary."

"What is?"

"You being like this."

Ianto sighed, "Tosh…"

"No, it's really scary seeing you act this way, like there's nothing wrong with things, like everything's fine when we all know it's not. I thought you were done with doing that."

Gwen could learn a thing or two from Tosh about sad pouts and puppy eyes thought Ianto as he looked at her face.

"Look, you don't understand-"

"Yes. I don't understand. I don't understand how you can just expect us to let this go. I don't understand why you won't trust us, trust me, enough to tell us the truth. We've seen it all, we've all done bad things Ianto, so why won't you tell us what you did to Ivor Jones? It can't have been so bad that we can't get through it."

"It's not about trust! It's about my not wanting to loose the life I have now. I won't let that happen."

"But Ianto, can't you see you're loosing it now?"

Ianto's eyes widened and he gave her a sharp look. Tosh set her bowl down and leaned forward,

"Ianto, if you don't tell us… if we don't work through this together, we'll all loose something important to us. And you can't say this isn't about trust, because it is. Jack and Owen violated your trust by what they did. I won't excuse it. But I can't stand watching you do this to yourself again. I can't stand seeing you hurt yourself, torture yourself like this. It hurts me, it actually physically hurts me when you do the things that you hope will make up for whatever you did."

Ianto clenched his hands, digging the nails into his palms. "I'm not trying to hurt you."

"I know. But you are. I just want things to be better, and you won't let them, because… because why? Why are you so terrified of us knowing? Why are you so angry with Jack and Owen's actions? Yes they violated your trust, but I know for you it's more than that. So what is it Ianto? What did you do and why are you so devastated by this whole thing that you'll go out and let yourself be abused?"

"Because it's my choice!" snapped Ianto. Señor jumped at his loud tone. "I made a choice. I decided to forget all about Ivor and move on with my life. When I started in Torchwood I realised that with it's resources, I could do whatever I wanted to Ivor, that I could even… but I chose not to. I didn't want to take that step of cruelty. I didn't want to become as bad as him. So I chose to not get back at him. But I always knew that if I had to… if someone else found out and tried to do something about it, I couldn't stand the idea of someone else punishing him other than me. Especially if it wasn't my choice. It's my life and he's a part of it. No one else had the right to make that call, to take that choice away from me. Owen and Jack did! They did and forced me… forced me to do the one thing I swore I wouldn't do, because I was better than that!"

"What? What did you do Ianto?" Tosh reached out and grabbed his hands, clutching them in her own, making them face each other. There was such desperation in her eyes that Ianto looked down, unable to hold her gaze.

"I… I used Retcon on him."

"You took away his memories?"

"No… more than that." Ianto swallowed and forced himself to look up, to meet Tosh's eyes as he confessed his sins. "You… not even Jack or Owen get just how powerful Retcon is. Every time Jack uses it, it leaves gaps in the memory, black holes that can leave the recipient terrified about what they're missing. But I… I can rewrite their memories to perfection. I can make them remember anything I want. I can make them believe anything. I can take away months of their lives and rewrite them in a way that they'll never remember the real happenings."

"I don't understand."

"Think about it Tosh, every single experience we have in our lives changes us, makes us who we are the next day. We learn a lesson, we learn a skill, whatever. By taking away memories, you change a person. They are not the person they were. I took that all the way. I used the Retcon on Ivor, wiped him almost completely and then I rewrote him. I gave him a rotten life of underachieving, made him remember a loveless childhood, and a painful time as a teenager. I made him a failure as a human being in this modern world, because he's stuck in a job that means nothing, pays little and gives him no satisfaction. But that's not just it. In doing that, I crafted a new personality. He's a meek and mild man, and wouldn't hurt a fly. He's an innocent now… and that's how I destroyed him."

"Ianto… how did you destroy him by making him innocent?" Tosh looked bewildered, alarmed, and slightly amazed.

"Because for the rest of his life, during waking moments and dreams, he will have nightmares about beating and raping a boy. The dreams won't leave him alone, and he'll know the mind of that demon he shares the body of in his dreams. He will feel the anger, the glee as the boy screams, the terror when he rapes him… but he'll be horrified by it. It's going to drive him insane, but he'll never seek help, because he's too scared by his own paranoia. Because of me, an innocent man will forever suffer the sick memories that follow me around all the time. He'll never escape them. They will destroy him. And no secret society will save him."

There was a silence as Tosh struggled to get her head around it all. Ianto bowed his head and cried silent tears, like his mother did whenever she looked at the photos of Owen.

"Ianto… what he did to you… he was no innocent."

"He is now. He's not Ivor Jones, he just looks like him. He's nothing like him though. I made him into a sweet, meek man, and he'll be tortured for the rest of his life. I did the sort of thing we try to stop every day Tosh. I'm a monster… because by wiping his memories, by changing him… I punished someone who didn't deserve it."

"But… Ianto I'm sorry, but this is clearly something you've been thinking over for a long time… I don't see how it is punishing him… if you wiped his mind."

"Because the only fitting punishment I could ever think of… all I ever wanted was for him to suffer like I did. The memories, the isolation, the shame… but I couldn't give him my memories. They're mine. So having a monster like that inside you… it was the next best thing I could do… I can't explain it better than that Tosh."

"Ok… but why let yourself be abused? Why did you let that man… hurt you?"

"Because I could. Because I want to… because I choose the man, because… because I just want to make that choice. Ivor never gave me that choice. Now I'm making it… I just want people to stop deciding things for me." Ianto pressed Tosh's hands to his forehead, scrunching up his face as he tried to regain some semblance of control. Her hands were cool on his brow. "God I hate Jack and Owen right now."

"Why?" Tosh's voice cracked with tears.

"Because they forced me to do this… I always chose not to, but… now they've made me give into the worst side of myself… they've made me let this monster out and now I can't go back… it's done. I will never be able to forget just how awful I really am. I'm sick and twisted… and I don't want to be. I just want to do right, but it's so damn hard."

Tosh pulled her hands free just enough to take hold of his head and make him look at her. Tears were spilling down her cheeks and she pulled Ianto so his head was tucked under her chin, her small arms wrapping around him tight, holding him safe.

"It's ok Ianto. It'll be ok. We'll fix this. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Tosh… please."

"Wouldn't dream of it. We will fix this."

"How?"

"Don't forget, I'm warped on the inside… I'll come up with something."

Ianto let out a little chuckle at her joke and then grunted as Senor flopped down onto his lap. The rabbit cuddled against him and Tosh sighed,

"You're not a monster Ianto. You have to believe me."

Ianto didn't answer her.

Concrit please! I'm trying my best to get the right balance of emotions here.

Night's Darkness