AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! (You're dragging SIRIUS into this now?) sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid (it most likely will be) brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me! (You're doing a terrible job, Raven.)
"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied! (That's not a WORD!) B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off (You bitch!) and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. (Dumbledore's gay. It'd only look pervy if you were a boy. [Or ARE you?])
Anyway, I started crying tears of blood (go die in a hole) and then I slit both of my wrists. (Repeat the request mentioned above, please.) They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. (Stop ruining bands!) I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. (Medium-rare or well-done?) I was so fucking depressed! (That's how we get when we read this story.) I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. (Sandly? So it's got sand all over it? Where is there a beach in England?) I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. (Hmm. You're depressed but you get all dressed up. Have you EVER heard of sweatpants?) I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed... Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! (Electricity and other Muggle devices don't work around Hogwarts! XP) And Loopin was masticating to it! (So he's killing something? [You, I hope?] AND OH MY GODRIC, YOU DID NOT JUST DO WHAT I THINK YOU DID. PUT MOONY BACK WHERE HE BELONGS RIGHT NOW. RIGHT NOW, BITCH.)They were sitting on their broomsticks. (How can you do that on a broomstick? From what's been told [or from what I've read on FF] Snape and Moony weren't very athletic individuals. I mean, sure, they'd be good on a broom for normal traveling purposes, but using a video camera or 'masticating' to something would be difficult to do. What now, bitch?)
"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!" I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. (I thought you got dressed?) Suddenly Vampire ran in. (HE CAN'T! HE'S IN GRYFFINDOR! HE DON'T GOT NO PASSWORD!)
"Abra Kedavra!" (first Crookshanks, now this. [Wait a tick. My username's 'Ava Dakedavra,' isn't it? DON'T BRING ME INTO THIS, BITCH!]) he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. (*arches eyebrows* His womb? I didn't think guys had those!) I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times (Impossible. At best, six times if you had a normal handgun. So that'd be three for each.) and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. "Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly... (Lupin: Dot dot dot…. Snape: Oh the suspense, it's killing me. Lupin: *snort*)
Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk. (Where the hell are your quotation marks?)
"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!" (No he isn't! He's like, fifty!)
"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT..." Hargirid (Har-rawr-rawr-rawr-grid?) paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!" (Of course you are! *facepalm*)
"This cannot be." Snap (Crackle, Pop!) said in a (rice) crisp(ies!) voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him. "There must be other factors." (Do wha?)
"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly. (Dur-hur-hur?)
Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly.("Hey guys, what kind of skin should I put in this potion?" Lee Jordan asked. "Try – um – elephant, Lee!" "Okay!") "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!" (And then everybody realized that MUGGLE THINGS DON'T WORK AT HOGWARTS.)
I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood. (None of us would know. We're not stupid.)
"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook. (Lupin: Why do I have a clock? Snape: …Errr… Lupin: What? What's the – oh… Snape: Yeah…. Lupin: …I feel violated. Even though I'm not Loopin.)
And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint. (What the ffffff - ?)
"BECAUSE...BECAUSE..." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. (He doesn't have a wand. He has an umbrella.) Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent. ("I throw my wand up in the air sometimes, sayin' 'aaayyyy-oh, where'd my nooooosssee go?'")
"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan. (*glares* I just realized that my username on dA is tainted. AND I'M NOT CONNECTED TO SATAN!)
"Because I LOVE HER!" (…Pedophilia!)
(Sense – this chapter made none.)