A/N: I'm back in the game! This chapter came really fast, so I hope it doesn't seem rushed. Also, I had planned from the beginning to make this story twelve chapters, which would make next one the last one (so sad!). That is still the plan, but I've also planned a 13th chapter as an epilogue. My plan is to have chapter 12 up sometime next week, and then the epilogue hopefully a few days later. Thanks so much to all of you who have stuck by me, even though my (insanely long) dry spell. I love hearing your feedback, and I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!
Disclaimer: Still not mine. All the Way Down belongs to Glen Hansard, and Follow Through belongs to Gavin DeGraw.
If there's anything worse than an awkward silence, Finn can't imagine what it is. Except for maybe an awkward conversation, which is precisely what he's trying to avoid. His hands are clamped so tightly around the armrests of the chair his fingertips are beginning to tingle, and he stares resolutely at the rack of pamphlets advertising advice for everything from bulimia to shopping addiction. Will is sitting next to him, tension rolling off the older man in waves. Across from them and behind a wide expanse of mahogany desk, Emma sits with her hands clasped in front of her, lips pursed and cheeks still tinged pink.
"Well," she says, then pauses to clear her throat, "we should talk about this. Since it happened on school property." She gives the pair of them a tight smile that looks more like a grimace to Finn, then stares uncomfortably down at her hands.
"Yes," Will says, and Finn can tell he's desperately trying to keep his voice casual but sincere. "And let me just say how sorry I am about that. It was a very irresponsible decision."
Finn glances over at the other man, then does a double-take. Will's shirt is buttoned crooked, one side clearly hanging a few inches below the other. Finn feels his face flush and looks away quickly, stifling a groan of embarrassment.
Emma nods her head, though she refuses to look up again. "And I should apologize, too. For not waiting for an answer before I barged in. I really regret that now..."
Will and Emma lapse into silence, and Finn continues memorizing the inspirational posters on the wall left behind by the last guidance counselor. Emma coughs, the noise so startling in the stillness that Finn jumps about an inch out of his seat.
"Are you okay?" Will asks finally, giving Emma a look that is both concerned and sheepish.
"Aside from wanting to pour bleach in my eyes?" she says with a nervous giggle. Clearly not intending to let that slip out, Emma clamps her mouth shut, then takes a deep breath. "Yes. I'm fine."
"Good," Will says, and Finn nods his agreement. Silence falls again, heavy and smothering as all three of them look around awkwardly, wondering what to do next.
"You know what?" Emma says. "Maybe we don't need to talk about this."
"Yeah, I'm good with that," Will says quickly, launching himself out of his chair.
"Me, too," Finn says, following suit, practically knocking Will over to beat him out of the stuffy office.
"Wait," Emma says, and Finn feels his shoulders sag. So close...
"I just wanted to say... I think you should know..." Emma says, struggling for words. She pauses for a long moment, and Will and Finn share a worried look. "I just want you to know that what happened tonight was inappropriate and very risky. Anyone could have walked in."
Finn casts a guilty look down at the floor, and turns around, prepared to apologize.
"But..." Emma goes on, biting her lip and looking up at Will with hooded eyes, "I want you to know that's a professional judgement, not a personal one."
"Emma --" Will says, but she holds up a hand, cutting him off.
"You're adults. And I care about you. Both of you," she says, flicking her gaze over to Finn for a brief moment. "I think... I think that in trying to make the right decision, you've made a couple wrong ones." She looks at Will intensely then, and Finn has to wonder how much she suspected when he was still in school. "Everyone does that sometimes. It doesn't make them bad people."
Will looks over at Finn, then at Emma, and though he's wearing a frown, Finn thinks there's something like relief in his eyes. Emma gives him a smile that is small but sincere, and after a moment, the older man returns it. Finn takes an easy breath for what feels like the first time in days.
"Now, please go," Emma continues, gesturing at the door. "I can't look at either of you without seeing you in your underpants."
***
Finn thinks choosing to have a meaningful conversation in Will's car is probably the worst idea ever, because all he can think about is hauling the other man into the backseat and getting the windows good and steamy. But Will has that look on his face, that one that Finn knows means he's going to either shut down or freak out, and Finn is tired of running away to avoid the inevitable confrontation.
"So, who wants to go first?" he asks, trying to smile. Will fiddles with the radio dial, flipping through a dozen stations before settling on the one with the least offensive rap song. "And by 'who,' I mean 'not me,'" Finn goes on, laughing at his own joke. Will doesn't join in.
"Oo-kay," Finn says, feeling more nervous than ever. "Are you pissed about what happened?" he asks, dreading the answer.
But Will shakes his head, staring out into the clear night sky. "You know what I like about Ohio?" he says, the non-sequitur throwing Finn for a loop.
"Uh... the Reds are actually on a winning streak?"
"The skies," Will says, his gaze never wavering. "Ohio has beautiful skies. That's always been my favorite thing about summers here -- the way the sky looks right before a storm."
Finn watches the older man carefully, a sudden spark of fear igniting in his belly. "And do you think there's a storm coming now?" he asks, knowing without being sure how that they are not talking about the weather.
Will shrugs. "It's hard to say."
Finn turns in his seat, watching Will with a feeling of trepidation. "You need to talk to me," he says, and he can hear the tremor in his voice. "You have to tell me what's going on, man, because I don't know what you're thinking. I'm not good at this."
"Who is?" Will says with a bitter little laugh.
"Don't do this to me, Will," Finn says, growing increasingly worried. "Don't shut me out now."
Will turns suddenly, meeting Finn's eyes with a gaze that is so full of pain, Finn pulls back as if he's been struck.
"I'm not sure I can do this," Will says, voice no more than a whisper. "I don't... I don't think I can."
"What?" Finn asks, stunned. "What do you mean?"
"What happened tonight..." Will begins, then breaks off, staring once more out the window. "I loved it," he says finally, resolutely not meeting Finn's eyes. "I loved every second of it. But as soon as it was over..."
"What?" Finn says again, suddenly feeling claustrophobic in the confines of the car. "What?"
"I kept thinking about how wrong it was," Will says, a catch in his voice. "About how I've been taking advantage of you --"
"Woah, woah, woah," Finn says, holding up a hand. "There has been no advantage taking. My advantage has definitely not been taken. Will, I wanted what happened tonight. You know that, right?"
"I don't feel like I know anything anymore," Will says quietly. "I spent the last four years dealing with all this guilt, but I never really got rid of it; all this time, I've just been hiding it, pretending it away."
"But there's nothing to feel guilty about!" Finn says, voice rising with his frustration. "I'm an adult, just like Emma said. I am allowed to make my own decisions about my life... who I love... who I fuck. And you are allowed to return those feelings, Will."
Will doesn't respond, instead staring out the window with a pained expression on his face. Finn looks out his own window, at a loss for what to say to make things right. He doesn't want to upset Will any further, but he's so sick of this guilt and self-flagellation. He balls his hands into fists, wishing he could punch the counselor who convinced Will he was evil for caring about someone, for giving his heart to someone.
Finn leans his head against the window, pressing his forehead into the cool glass and shutting his eyes tight. He doesn't know how to get through to Will, and he isn't sure it's even possible. He hears the other man fumbling and looks over, wondering what he's up to.
Will is pulling his visor down, rifling through the CDs in the holder. He pulls one out and jams it in the CD player so forcefully Finn is worried the disc might snap. Will presses the fast forward button a few times, finally letting it come to rest on track six and settling back into his seat. Finn listens, curious about the song he's chosen. The music starts, low and soft, and then Finn hears a male voice, plaintive and wistful.
You have broken me all the way down,
Down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
You'll be the last, you'll see.
Some fight you gave,
And I pushed you away from me.
And in the morning, when you turn in,
I'll be far --
Finn hits the eject button, and Will snaps his gaze up, giving the younger man a questioning look.
"Sorry," he says, feeling a sight flush creeping along his cheeks. "Just... don't think I can handle that sad stuff right now."
"Right. Sorry," Will mutters, taking the CD and placing it back in the holder.
"No, it's just... Will, we have to talk about this."
But Will stays silent, looking ahead with an impassive face. Finn shakes his head, completely at a loss. Feeling a sudden need to keep his hands busy, he flips through radio stations, finally landing on a mix station out of Dayton. The song is one he's heard before, and he stops to listen.
...I haven't felt like this in so many moons,
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction, as we are standing on our feet.
Finn hums along with the tune, deciding it's a definite improvement over Will's choice of background music. The chorus starts, and Finn sings along with it. He forgets some of the words, but he can't help but agree with the sentiment of the song.
So, since you wanna be with me
You'll have to follow through with every word you say.
And I, all I really want is you,
You to stick around.
I'll see you every day,
But you have to follow through.
Finn hears a soft noise coming from Will, and he stops singing abruptly, thinking the older man is crying. He looks over, brimming with concern, ready to do whatever necessary to stop the other man's pain...
And that's when he realizes Will is laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asks, a little irritated.
"Nothing," Will says, shaking his head and wiping the corner of his eye. "Just... did you plan that?"
Finn frowns. "Plan what?"
"That song. I mean... wow." Will giggles again, then loses control, laughing so hard Finn is worried he might strain something.
"Are you drunk?" Finn asks, looking at the other man incredulously.
Will laughs again, then takes a deep breath, calming himself. "What do you mean?"
"Uh, Mood Swing City, population: you," Finn says, feeling cranky. "I thought maybe we could have a serious discussion about what happened. It... it really meant something to me."
Something in Finn's tone sobers Will up immediately. The smile slips from his face, and he turns a pained look on the younger man. "Me, too," he says softly, reaching out a tentative hand. Finn takes it, squeezing hard, afraid to let go. "I'm sorry," Will says, looking down at their joined hands. "I know I'm acting like a lunatic. I just... I've denied myself any sort of real happiness for so long. I guess I feel like I don't really deserve it."
Finn swallows hard. "Will Schuester," he says, looking the other man directly in the eye, "if anyone deserves happiness, it's you." Finn shakes his head, and lets out a sharp laugh.
"What is it?" Will asks, biting his lower lip.
"I just don't get how someone as smart as you can be dumber than me when it comes to this emotional stuff."
Will raises his eyebrows, giving Finn a surprised and mildly hurt look. After a moment, his expression begins to change, and his mouth softens into a sad smile.
"I don't know. I guess I am pretty dumb," he says, looking up at Finn through his lashes. Finn aches to close the distance between them, but he's terrified to push too hard, or too far.
"I go back to Columbus in a week," Finn says, throat tightening.
"I know," Will says, strain evident in his voice.
"I need... Will, I need a decision. I'm not asking you for forever; not right now, at least. But I need to know if you can... if you can do this. If you can at least try."
"I don't know if I can," Will whispers, trying to pull his hand out of Finn's grasp.
Finn keeps Will's fingers laced tightly in his own. "Think about it," he says, reaching out and cupping Will's cheek in his palm. He tilts the other man's face up, running his thumb along Will's bottom lip. "Just think..."
Finn leans closer, sentence unfinished, completely lost in the warm green of Will's eyes. Their lips brush softly at first, tentative and unsure, and then Will leans into the kiss, opening his mouth just enough to take Finn's bottom lip between his teeth, biting down gently.
Finn moans low in his throat and presses forward, deepening the kiss. Will's arms come up, sliding around his shoulders and pulling him close. Finn's hand drifts down to Will's thigh, rubbing up the khaki fabric and coming to rest on his hip. He pushes forward, knee bumping against the gearshift, trying to get as close to Will as possible.
Finn is just about to climb over the console and into Will's lap when he feels a sharp buzzing in his pocket. He pulls back, startled, and fumbles around for his cell phone. Will sits back in his seat, one hand gripping the steering wheel, looking dazed.
"Hello?" he says, trying to catch his breath. Will watches him, eyes glazed and faraway. Finn listens to the caller on the other end, sitting up straighter as his eyes widen and his jaw goes slack.
"O-okay," he says, voice trembling. "We'll be right there."
He snaps the phone shut and stuffs it back in his pocket, reaching behind him to pull on his seatbelt. Without saying a word, Will turns the keys in the ignition and throws the car into gear.
"What is it?" he says once they're headed out of the school parking lot.
Finn looks at him, swallowing hard. "It's Carolina."