Stef woke up the next morning determined to get through to Lena. She'd spent the whole night reliving every second of that kiss. She had gone her whole life without this feeling. She hadn't known what it felt to want this much. Part of her was worried at how much she had enjoyed the intensity of her encounter. Maybe this was what forbidden sin tasted like.
She'd tried to approach Lena early in the morning but Lena was nowhere to be found at school. She did the second best thing she could think of, she decided to wait for her at her house. She parked her car in front of Lena's place, she hoped Lena would be home soon.
Lena stepped out of her car and was not surprised to see Stef jump out of hers. "We need to talk." She had successfully avoided the cop all day, but she knew she was just buying time.
Stef agreed, "We do." Stef couldn't help but look around, wary of the audience, "Can we go inside?"
Lena shook her head in disappointment, thinking Stef must be feeling self-conscious, "Fine, let's go in." Lena made sure to stay a few steps ahead, afraid to get too close, afraid something would happen, afraid nothing would. She led her to her small dining table, purposely waiting for Stef to sit so that she could take the opposite side.
Lena gave Stef the opportunity to start the conversation, but when the silence stretched uncomfortably, she felt compelled to begin it herself. "That shouldn't have happened."
"How can you say that, it was…" Stef was left breathless with the thought, but also wordless. She could not begin to describe this feeling.
Again Lena waited, but Stef wasn't giving her much. "It was a mistake. What about Mike?"
"Mike…" Stef had not actually thought about him for a while, certainly not since that kiss.
"Yeah Mike," Lena hated saying that name.
Stef was flooded with a sense of guilt. How could she just forget she was married? Divorce was a sin, how could she be contemplating anything more? She was an adulterer. "I hadn't thought about Mike." Stef spoke honestly.
"Well you should be. Are you getting a divorce?" Lena needed to know, she was not going to be some affair.
"No" Stef suddenly blurted out, defensively, automatically. She immediately regretted her words when she heard Lena's breath hitch. "I..."
A strange silence overtook them both. They felt helpless at their situation, at the strength of their feelings. "Well then, there's nothing to talk about Stef."
"Of course there is." Stef tried to explain, reaching for Lena's hand. "I have never felt this Lena. I need to understand. I don't know…"
Lena interrupted her, "here's the thing Stef. I do know. I am a lesbian." She let that sink in for a minute and turned Stef's hand over, held her palm on hers. In the continued silence, she looked from Stef's hand in hers, up to her lips and finally to her hazel gaze and added, "And I love you." She didn't know why she'd admitted that but she couldn't help it, it was bursting from within her soul. If perhaps she let it out, it would lose its power over her. But as soon as she said it, she knew that it was not the case. If anything, her love pushed forth even more and overwhelmed her. Her voice quivered as she repeated, "I love you Stef and I can't hide it anymore. I need more. I am not… I don't." Frustrated, she finished, "You're married," as if it answered everything.
Stef's heart melted. "Lena, I…" Stef felt so much, but she knew so little. She felt like a stranger in her body. Her mind full of lies and truths and she couldn't tell up from down. She wanted to respond in kind, she wanted to make Lena happy, but she couldn't. She wasn't sure about anything. "I… I need time. I am overwhelmed with feelings for you and I can't think." How could she think while her hand was being held so lovingly, when Lena was making confessions that were making her tremble?
"Stef, time isn't going to change things. It's wrong, you and I both know it. I am not looking for adventure. I am looking for a partner in life, a woman to share the ups and downs with. A woman to raise a family with. I can't imagine starting something like that with lies and cheating. I can't. I don't want that. I've been there, on the other side. And you're not even... what are you bi, lesbian, what?" Lena let go of Stef's hand, frustration turning to anger.
"A … les…?" it was hard for Stef to finish the word.
"Lesbian. Stef, the word is lesbian. You can say it." Lena interrupted angrily.
"I like you Lena, I am attracted to you, the rest..." Stef hoped that was enough for Lena, for now. She didn't realize the full effect she had on Lena.
Lena was melting at that confession of affection. In most contexts that might have been enough, but this was Stef, the woman of Lena's dreams. She wanted all of her, not a piece of her. She shook her head, she felt like crying.
Then Stef saw it, a lone tear reluctantly escaping Lena's tight control. She couldn't bear her pain and moved quickly to Lena's side. Stef held Lena's face in her hands, and leaned in quickly to kiss away that lonesome drop. Pressing her face against the woman who held her heart, Stef felt more wetness on her cheek, both women were now leaking their emotions over each other. And suddenly, lips met lips, soft and pliant. Pain and desire mixed as their mouths joined again and again. Stef figured that if she couldn't say what she meant, she could show it. She could convey the depth of her affection through the movements of her lips.
Lena couldn't contain her emotions and keeping control was becoming harder and harder as Stef pressed against her again and again. She wanted to drown in Stef and indulge in the feelings of pleasure, to maintain this intimacy between them. But Lena was an expert at separating logic and feeling. She reluctantly pulled away from Stef, again. She didn't know how many more times she'd have to do that.
"This is why I can't keep seeing you, because I can't keep my hands off you anymore." She punctuated the sentence with a slow peck on Stef's lips.
"I can't either," Stef confessed, allowing her hands to get lost in Lena's hair, a wish she hadn't realized needed to be fulfilled.
"Stef, Stef. We have to stop now, and we just can't keep doing this. It's not going to end well. You mean too much to me." Lena stood up quickly, straight to the door. "I wish you luck Stef. I hope you figure things out for yourself if nothing else." She was flooded with the memory of Stef's lips and scent. But she was also flooded with feelings from her time with Gretchen. She had felt so humiliated, putting so much hope in one person only to be betrayed. She couldn't be a part of making someone feel like that.
"Lena…"
"Stef… go. Okay, please, for me?"
Stef nodded and headed out the door.
Jenna shook her head, somehow she'd always known it would end up like this with Lena brokenhearted on her couch.
"I just can't take it anymore." Lena looked away, afraid to meet anyone's eyes and admitted, "She kissed me."
"Oh Lena." Jenna put her arm around her friend. Lena collapsed into her. "What was it like?"
"It was a revelation. This woman is made to fit in my arms, her lips made for mine… but she's married." Lena added sadly, sorrow threatening to break through her voice.
"So what? Women leave their husbands every day." Jenna had seen many a straight woman leave a marriage.
"Yeah but she hasn't and I can't cheat. I just can't participate in that. You know that." Lena choked out.
Jenna didn't say it, but she knew well that Gretchen was behind that sentiment. Gretchen had really broken any trust Lena had.
"Besides, if Stef is willing to lie to be with me, she'll lie to me later. It's not a way to start a relationship. I couldn't trust her." Lena's own words soothed her pain. She knew she was doing the right thing. "I just don't understand why Stef had to be so perfect for me."
Jenna nodded and had to agree that Stef and Lena had chemistry. They would make the kind of couple your eyes were drawn to, beautiful, contrasting in every way. She knew her friend just needed her to listen. She had to work things out on her own.
Stef was going out of her mind. She'd called Lena many times. Lena was now screening calls. She'd even called the school and managed to get through to Lena who promptly hung up on her. Her mind was still a mess. All she knew was that she missed Lena. That kiss had changed something in her. It had ripped open the careful confines of her heart. It yearned for Lena. She just wanted to be with her, in any capacity Lena desired. It just seemed like Lena wanted nothing to do with her. Each day had felt like an eternity. In reality, it had only been a few days. She'd spent days without talking to Lena before but now, things had changed. Everything seemed so urgent. She was on the edge of a cliff and only Lena could help her.
But Lena was shutting her out. She only had one person to turn to, Kelly.
"Kelly…"
Before Stef spoke another word, Kelly knew exactly what this call was about. Lena. Lena had spent enough evenings in her house during the past week for Kelly to know exactly what was going on. In spite of herself, Kelly couldn't feel anything but sympathy, "Stef."
Stef didn't know how to begin this conversation. She just knew that Kelly was the only person that she could talk to about any of this. "Um, I don't know how to begin… you see… Lena…"
"I know a little bit of what's been going on." Kelly decided to take pity on Stef.
"Oh." She was both relieved and horrified that Kelly knew about her situation.
"It's ok Stef. Stuff happens."
"Not to me, it doesn't. I … look, I am not good on the phone but I need to talk to you. Do you think we could meet?" Stef could not do this on the phone.
"Sure, you know the coffee house by my house?"
"Yeah, ok, when can you meet?"
"In an hour. See you then."
Stef was already sitting, coffee in hand by the time Kelly arrived.
"I hope you weren't waiting long," Kelly pulled up a chair and joined the woman. Stef had rings around her eyes and wore a frown on her face.
"Yeah, but that was my choice. I couldn't stay at home any more. I can't face my mother's questioning looks. I am sorry I called you. I just, my friends, they wouldn't understand. Plus, I am sort of in transition. My friends are from the force and everyone seems to be on Mike's side. Or maybe it's my imagination."
"It's ok Stef, I think we were on our way to being good friends before Lena showed up." Kelly had always found Stef's sarcasm and humor to be comforting compared to Jenna's more serious demeanor.
"I thought so too." Thoughts of Lena brought back all her worries. "I know I've hurt Lena and I don't know how to make that better." Stef stopped when a waitress came to take Kelly's order.
"A latte, thanks!" Kelly quickly dismissed the woman and turned back to Stef. "I think it all depends on what you want."
Stef shook her head, "I don't know what you mean."
"I mean… what do you want from Lena?" Kelly punctuated her statement with a lift of her eyebrows.
"I… am not sure. So many things, but I don't know. I am so confused."
"Ok, I am going to ask a different way, do you think you might like women Stef?" It had been so long since she'd dealt with coming out, Kelly was trying her best to handle it.
Stef opened her mouth and closed it several times. "I don't think so. I am attracted to Lena, that's it." Stef frowned, no, she owed herself the truth. "No, that's not right. Maybe. I may like women."
"Do you want to be with Lena?" Kelly saw her opening and forged ahead.
"I …" Stef could feel her emotions choking her. "I need time. I just don't want to lose her. I know that, I know that without a doubt."
"Stef, I get that. I get it. You need time. You deserve that time. This isn't easy. It's not something any of us figure out in a day or a month. A woman can make the process easier, loving someone has a way of clearing things up. But you're married. You are married Stef and it's not fair to anyone to carry on while you take the needed time."
Stef nodded, she could see that. "I know. I don't want to do that either. Cheating is wrong, it just hasn't been clear cut. Things are so murky, we're separated. You know? It's been that way for months."
"Ok, well, clear it up. You are the only one that has that power, but you can take your time."
"The problem is, all I can think about is Lena, her smile, her kindness, her intelligence. I miss her so much." Stef was desperate.
"Ok, I don't know your husband, but I know Lena. This is not fair to Lena. She's been hurt. I don't know if I should tell you but she's been cheated on. You are the first woman she's felt serious about since then and it's not fair to her to be made feel second best. She also won't be the other woman. She wouldn't do that to someone else. She deserves better."
And suddenly Stef got it. She tried to picture a happy Lena, with all the love and family she deserved. And she realized she'd already made a mistake. She'd already ruined Lena's trust and that might be something that she would never get back. She'd already made Lena feel like second best. She'd made Lena question the strength of her feelings, all because she couldn't express herself. She knew she'd never felt anything like this for anyone before. She knew that anything she might have ever felt for Mike was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. But Lena didn't know that. Lena thought that Stef couldn't make up her mind between the two of them. Nothing was further from the truth. She just didn't know if she was strong enough to own the truth, to tell the world. Did she have the courage to love Lena the way her heart demanded?
"You are right. Lena deserves the world." Stef sounded defeated.
"She does. We all do. You do." Kelly could almost hear Stef thinking. "You can be happy too."
Stef chuckled sadly. "I don't know, but I know I don't want to hurt Lena." It was then that another thought surfaced, one that had been lurking in the back of her mind. "Then there's my son."
"Lena is great with kids." Kelly shook her head, Lena was born to be a mom.
"No, that's not what I meant. She's amazing with Brandon, they already seem to have formed a bond. I am talking about Mike. What if he…" Stef swallowed. "What if he tries to take him away from me."
"I am not a legal expert, but I do work at the gay and lesbian center. Courts in California are not likely to take your kid away for being gay. There would have to be other issues. You seem like a great mom."
"Are you sure? I can't give up my son." Pastor Dan's words were rolling around in her head, things about being unable to have children and being unfit and perverted.
"I am pretty sure. I know how to get legal help if it comes to that Stef. You aren't alone." Kelly smiled and hoped that Stef believed her.
"You have given me a lot to think about. I… hope I can do right by Lena." Stef meant that, nothing meant more to her than that and for now it meant leaving Lena alone.
And for the next few days, she tried doing just that. The only problem was her suspicious mom. Sharon had noticed her daughter was moping around the house recently, "Are you not going to the book club this weekend?"
"What? Uh, no." Stef was trying to give Lena space and use the time to clear her head.
"Why not? You were having a good time, making friends." Sharon found her recent behavior odd. In addition, the constant phone calls to one Lena Adams were down to zero.
"Mom, it's fine. I am fine." The last person Stef wanted to talk to about all this was her mom.
Sharon wasn't going to drop it, "you should at least call Le…"
"No, not Lena," Stef interrupted before her mother could get a word out.
Now Sharon knew something was wrong and she guessed she knew the reason, "Why? Something happen?"
Stef took a deep breath, "mom, let it go."
"Let what go?" They'd done this routine so many times, but this was often the only way to communicate.
"Nothing mom, it's nothing." Stef started to walk away, she needed to get far away, maybe go check on Brandon, see if he was still sleeping.
Sharon's opportunity window was closing, "Wait, Stef, don't walk away. You can tell me what's going on. I won't judge."
"You won't judge? You are the very definition of judgmental. I believe your picture is next to that word in the dictionary." Stef wasn't trying to be mean. It was just so hard to stop her mom once she got started.
"Oh Stef, that's not true. I just have opinions. I liked Lena, she was good for you. What happened?" Sharon suddenly got an idea. "She started dating someone?"
"What?" Stef's stomach heaved as she remembered that Lena was trying to date.
Sharon was not oblivious to Stef's reaction. "You know? Did she meet a woman?"
The words were stabbing Stef's heart. How could she live without Lena? How could she let another woman love the most amazing person she'd ever met?
"I thought maybe that's why she didn't have any more time for you."
And that was enough to send Stef right over the edge, "You're wrong, she loves me." Stef froze suddenly. She realized what she'd done the second she said it.
"She loves you?" Sharon's voice was shaky. Maybe she wasn't ready for this, but she'd have to be. For Stef. Sharon had to find the strength.
Anxiety was making Stef's chest rise and fall. She couldn't speak, no words could answer. Eventually, almost in a whisper, she admitted, "Yeah, she told me so." She couldn't deny Lena's feelings.
Now, it was Sharon's time to take a deep breath. The time had come. "How do you feel about her?"
Stef looked at her mother and seeing nothing but compassion in her eyes, she continued with the truth, "I don't know." Stef tried to kick herself out of denial. "I kissed her."
The words landed like bricks at the bottom of Sharon's stomach. She steeled herself, "and…"
Stef looked at her mother again, straightening up, trying to reach her adult height. Her lip trembled like the time when she was ten and she'd admitted to breaking the fine china, "I liked it."
Sharon had been in as much denial as Stef, but that was over. She could be strong for her daughter. She took a deep breath, smiled and walked towards her daughter, touching her wrist gently. "And now…"
"Mom, what if, what if I like women?" Stef did not want to have this conversation with her mom, but she didn't have a lot of people to talk to.
Sharon hugged her daughter. Stef resisted, tried to push her away but Sharon held on tight. "You'll still be Stef Foster, daughter, mom…" Sharon was going to say wife but managed to change it at the last moment, "cop."
Stef heard the sentiment anyway. "I don't think I can be a wife anymore," Stef realized, mumbling the words against her mother's embrace.
"Maybe not." Sharon agreed.
Knowing she had someone's support gave Stef much needed relief. She thought of Lena, of having the courage to be with her. She wanted nothing more than to be able to step up for her.
She thought of the next steps and knew which one should be first. She pulled away from her mom. "I have to tell dad and Mike." She decided.
"Are you sure?" Sharon paused. "There's no going back."
"Mom, I don't know, it's why I am struggling. I know that I can't go back, but moving forward seems so difficult. Mom, I feel so alive when I am with her. I want to know, I have to know. I don't want to hide this, her. If I am doing this, it has to be with everything I have in me."
Sharon looked on, proud of her daughter. She'd always had her own mind and a sense of right and wrong.
"Stef, I love you. I am behind you."