"You poor thing," Simmons cooed softly, running a gentle hand over Kit's hair, brushing a few loose strands off the little girl's face.
Kit stirred faintly, eyes opening languidly as she blinked up at Simmons.
"Hi, sweetie. How are you feeling?" the biochemist asked, being sure to keep her voice quiet and soothing.
"Better," Kit murmured and pulled the blanket surrounding her closer. " 'm tired."
"I'm sure you are," Simmons said, sighing sympathetically as she placed a hand on Kit's shoulder.
"Your temperature is still elevated. Do your head and stomach still hurt?"
Kit nodded, a small pout pulling at her lips. She shuffled around a bit, reaching out.
She didn't want Dr. Simmons right now, she wanted Jemma.
Sensing Kit's need for closeness, Simmons put down her clipboard beside the medical bed. The thin mattress dipped slightly as Simmons took a seat beside Kit. The little girl slipped from beneath the sheets and crawled into Jemma's lap, feeling clingy and desperate for contact.
"I'm glad you're safe, Kit," Simmons said, tracing soothing circles on Kit's back. She curled against Simmons, laying her head on the older girl's shoulder.
"Me too," Kit whispered, fingers playing with a button on Jemma's lab coat. "Is Coulson still on the phone?" she asked. An hour ago, at around six in the evening, Coulson had received an urgent (and frustrated) call from Fury. Reluctantly, Coulson had left the room—unable to get out of the conversation and not wanting Kit to hear what they were discussing.
Kit had been nervous at first, her anxiety inducing tears of protest, and while it'd made Coulson feel guilty, he knew Kit shouldn't hear some of the things he would be describing. It would be better in the long run. Plus, Kit needed to know that she could still trust the team, and since she'd been willing to see Jemma earlier, Coulson decided she was a good place to start.
Simmons nodded in response to Kit's earlier question. "They've been talking for a while now, but Skye should be here soon to see you. She's been quite worried. You're still up for visitors, right? "
"Yeah," Kit said softly, nestling into Simmons as the young woman gently stroked her hair.
"I'm sorry you're not feeling well."
Kit shrugged, her little shoulders rising and falling against Simmons. " 's okay."
Simmons hugged Kit closer. "We'll have you feeling better soon. Once you're up to it, I know Fitz has a new science experiment he'd love to do with you. He wanted to come see you, but he's stuck going over some mechanics to make sure the Bus is okay."
A small nod came from Kit, the corners of her lips flickering upward weakly. The emptiness of her smile made Simmons' heart twist painfully.
"It's okay if you're not fine," Simmons said and Kit tucked her head beneath Simmons' chin. She dropped her fingers from Simmons' lab coat, her hand searching for the scientist's.
Kit shook her head, warm tears pooling in her eyes as Simmons softly took her hand. "No, it's not."
"Yes it is, Kit. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad and worried sometimes."
"For me, there is!" Kit said, pulling her hands out of Jemma's and violently pushing away the tears on her own cheeks. "You don't get it!"
"Then explain it to me," Simmons said calmly, loosening her grip around Kit's waist when she started to squirm.
"I can't!" Kit huffed and pushed herself off Simmons' lap. There were too many emotions swirling around in Kit's head and it felt like they were all pressing down on her and she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe.
The room felt too big and she felt hot, like she wasn't herself and her whole body was working against her.
And she was scared. So scared and confused and nervous about how anything else was going to happen in her life. How was she going to live without Mommy?
It was as though all of her concerns were crashing back down on her again.
She couldn't keep falling apart. They might get annoyed and make her go. Coulson had said he'd loved her, but Mommy had said that too, and she still had to leave. Then what? The bad men would take her. That's what would happen.
Bad things always happened when she wasn't okay.
There was so much more, so many other reasons whirling in her head, each a fleeting, terrifying thought just out of reach. She felt anxious and on edge, like she was one second away from snapping.
"I have to be okay. I have to," she repeated, the phrase looping between her lips as she paced. Her steps quickened, lungs heaving, working herself up even further in her attempts to calm down.
"You'll be okay, Kit. It just takes time. You'll get there."
"I'm not okay, though. I'm not," Kit said frantically, more so to herself than to Simmons, gaze trained on the ground.
The little girl was so focused on staring at her feet as she walked, on trying to pull herself back together that she didn't even look up when Skye entered the room, the door opening and closing quietly.
Simmons shot Skye a concerned look and tilted her head toward Kit.
"What's wrong?" Skye whispered to the biochemist.
"She's breaking down, Skye. I don't know how to make her feel better. She's feeling so much pressure." Simmons bit her lip, worry radiating off her expression.
Skye nodded before walking over to Kit, kneeling in front of her. "Hey, Kit Kat. How're you doing?"
"I'm not okay," she mumbled, shaking her head. "I'm not."
"That's fine, it's normal. We'll fix it together. You don't have to do this alone."
"That's what nobody understands! I am alone! I'm all by myself and my Mommy's gone and bad people are looking for me and I'm not okay and… and..." Her voice disappeared as she hyperventilated, words and tears all caught in her throat making it impossible to finish her sentence.
"Kit Kat, honey, you've got to stop working yourself up. You're sick and you're going to hurt yourself. Just slow down, take a deep breath. You're going to be okay," Skye said, reaching out to hug Kit.
"No," Kit yelled, pushing Skye's hands away. She receded, her back slamming into the corner of the room before she sunk to the ground, a sob deflating her frame. She covered her mouth with her hands in an attempt to muffle her cries, her voice cracking as said, "I'm never going to be okay. It's never going to happen."
Kit didn't know what she was doing. It felt like there was water filling her lungs, water covering her head. It felt like every part of her was breaking. It felt like she was drowning.
She didn't want to be here. She wanted her mom.
"Kit, let me help you. Let us all help you."
Kit couldn't help what she was saying, she wasn't thinking. She couldn't. Not when it felt like she was being squeezed between two walls. "I don't want your help!" she sobbed, squeezing her fists together, nails cutting into her skin. "I want my mom. I don't like you or anyone here. You're lying and you're… you're mean and I- I hate you and I hate this place and I don't want to be here…"
Skye blinked and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, stunned for a moment before blinking away tears as Kit's words.
"Skye," Simmons said, standing up from the bed and putting a hand on Skye's shoulder. "She's upset, she doesn't mean it."
"Yes, I do," Kit said, pushing herself off the floor. "I hate everything about this place!" she yelled, running to the door and yanking on the handle.
The door slid open and Kit took off through it, crashing into Ward not two feet beyond the threshold. She hit the ground with a soft thud and scrambled to stand up, avoiding eye contact.
Ward picked her up gently, despite her screams. She pounded his chest with tired fists, squirming and doing whatever she could to get out of his arms, but Ward was strong and kept her firmly in his grasp.
"Kit, I'm taking you to Coulson to see if he can help you feel better. You can calm down and make this trip easier, or you can fight, but you're going there either way," Ward said as he carried her toward the agent's office.
As they neared the room, the door opened and May limped out, Coulson following directly behind her. Kit was still flailing in Ward's arms, coughing and sobbing and trying to push herself away.
A look of horror flashed across Coulson's face and May's expression remained neutral. His eyes drifted between Ward and Kit, unsure of whom to address first.
"What's going on?"
Kit paused for a moment at the sound of his voice, turning away from Ward to look at Coulson. She sobbed harder, thrashing further until Ward finally relented and put her down. With a quick glance through the hall, she made a move to sprint down it, but her feet were unsteady and she felt so tired that Coulson had her swept up in his arms before she could finish her second step.
She yelled some more, words convoluted by tears. Coulson quickly thanked Ward and let him go before focusing on Kit.
The sudden change in her demeanor was shocking, yet something he'd expected to arise eventually.
Maybe it was the stress of the previous night's events, making everything come down on her, but Kit was cracking, falling apart in front of him.
And while he'd foreseen some kind of ensuing breakdown he'd never imagined one so sudden and so intense, never one with Kit screaming so desperately and fighting so violently.
He'd carried her into his bunk, half expecting May to leave but at the same time, not at all surprised when she followed, her usual calm expression colored with concern.
He set Kit on the bed then took a few steps back, giving her some space. She immediately pulled her legs up against her stomach and pressed the palms off her hands against her eyes.
A muffled whimper of "Mommy" filled the silence and Kit curled further into herself.
She didn't feel good and she just wanted Audrey. Not Simmons or Skye or Coulson or anyone else.
Coulson felt his heart shattering. Acting on impulse, he moved toward Kit, willing to do whatever it took to comfort Kit and remind her that she wasn't alone.
However, when he got closer, laying a hand on her shoulder, she yelled into her knees. "I want my mom. I don't want you."
The sound was distorted but her message was clear, striking Coulson in the stomach with guilt and rejection.
May approached him gently from behind, laying a hand on his shoulder.
"Phil, you should give her some space. Go take a break, fill the rest of the team in on the plan and see how they're doing. I'll stay with Kit."
Coulson swallowed his hurt and nodded, whispering an 'okay' and slipping out of the room quietly, deciding that he'd already upset Kit enough.
At the sound of the door clicking shut, Kit's head lifted, eyes immediately noting Coulson's absence.
Her stomach twisted, her heart dropped. She'd managed to be so bad that someone else who loved her left. In that moment, Kit felt as though she might have been the most horrible person alive.
Before she could decide what to do, the sound of May's voice drew her attention.
"Coulson left because we thought it would be better to give you some space. He'll be back when you're ready. He's not leaving you."
The knot in Kit's stomach loosened a bit, but she couldn't stop the reeling in the head, the uncertainty that gripped every aspect of her life. She couldn't stop shaking her hands, slapping them against her leg, nervous energy spilling over.
That was May's cue to intervene. She swooped in, sitting next to Kit and gently pulling the small girl's hands away from herself, giving them a soft squeeze and kissing them lightly. Catching Kit's eyes she said, "I won't let you hurt yourself."
Kit nodded slowly, allowing herself to relax slightly and uncurl her fingers in May's hands.
"What happened here?" May asked, softly touching small crescent shaped indents on Kit's palm.
"I tried really hard not to panic or get scared, so I tried—I tried to keep everything in, but I couldn't do it," Kit admitted, showing May how tightly she'd squeezed her hands together, so tightly that her nails had dug into her skin.
"Oh, Kit," May breathed softly. The little girl had tried so hard to fight her world falling apart, to keep herself in one neat, strong piece. "I'm sorry if we didn't make you feel comfortable enough to talk before things got so bad, or teach you different ways to handle everything you're feeling. We'll start working on it, okay?"
Kit nodded again. Without anyone to fight, anything to distract her, Kit's anger had drizzled out quickly, leaving her drained and tired, grief stricken and guilty.
"You can let it out, Kit. Everything. You can say whatever you want, I won't get mad."
She sniffled softly; sad, stormy eyes studying May. Something about the older woman's gaze flipped a switch inside Kit, concerns and frustrations pouring out as she spoke. It was as though she couldn't stop the words.
May listened intently, holding Kit tighter as each confession slipped from little, pink lips pulled downward in what May hoped would never become a prolonged frown.
At some point in time, May had opened her arms and at the first indication of welcome, Kit had scampered onto May's uninjured leg, gradually leaning back on her chest.
Minutes of speaking passed before silence pulled between them and Kit paused midsentence, taking a deep breath and fidgeting with the hem of May's jacket.
''I wanna go home," Kit murmured against the agent, her voice cracking.
"For your sake, I wish you could, too," May said, brushing some hair behind Kit's ear. "As much as I love you and love having you here, I'm so sorry about the circumstances and I'm so sorry you're scared and unhappy. I'd do anything to change that, even if it meant letting you go. We can find a way to remind you of your mom and keep you close to her. We're going to work through this together. You're not alone, no matter how much it feels that way."
Kit sniffled. "I love you and I love Coulson and Skye and Jemma and Fitz and Ward, even though Skye says he's a robot. But I still love my mom."
"And that's perfectly okay," May said. "You'll love your mom forever."
Kit nodded, eyes drooping as she burrowed further against May.
"Come on," May said, patting Kit's back lightly. "Let's get you to bed."
No verbal response came from Kit, instead, she rested her head on May's shoulder as her breathing began evening out.
A small smile pulled up the corners of May's lips. "Are you okay in your bedroom?"
The thought of going to her bunk made Kit's stomach hurt even more. Heat flushed her cheeks and her throat felt tight. A frown flashed across her face before she assumed a neutral expression, just as May looked down to catch her eye.
Kit fought a yawn as her mind flicked through the day's events. Ignoring the feeling in her stomach and the way her heartbeat had quickened, she finally replied with a soft 'yes' and managed to fall asleep on their way over.
0-0-0
She couldn't breathe. That was the first thing she noticed when she woke up. The room was dark and the sheets were tangled around her and she couldn't breathe.
She couldn't breathe because there were too many tears streaming down her cheeks, her shoulders heaving, her body shaking.
A second ago she could have sworn the bad men were back in her room, storming through the door and trying to take her.
Kit leapt out of bed and sprinted to the door. Her finger froze over the button to open it, hovering for a second before dropping. She'd trapped herself in seclusion which her thoughtless, harsh words. Everyone definitely hated her. There was no way she could stay. No way they could ever forgive her.
But she was so scared, she had to get out.
With a quick movement she turned on the lights, flooding the room in a dim, gold glow. Even though Kit had proven to herself that the bad men weren't there, she couldn't shake the feeling that they could burst in at any moment.
Leaving. That was her only option.
She shuffled underneath her bed and pulled out the backpack she generally used for school. Yanking the zippers, she tugged the backpack open and frantically filled it with clothes, her elephant named Eliza, her favorite books and the picture from the frame that had broken the previous day.
After pulling on a jacket she was crying so hard that her vision was blurred, clouded with tears as she approached the door, eyes sweeping across the room when something made her stop and turn back around.
Kit pressed up against her toes, stretching to grab a picture from the back of her dresser. Her trembling fingers clasped around a second picture. She pulled her hand away, her arm knocking a glass cup. It shattered against the floor and a yelp escaped Kit's lips.
Succeeding multiple attempts, Kit managed to tuck the photo carefully beside the picture of her and Audrey, safe inside her coat pocket. Still spooked by the breaking glass and nightmare, she sprinted to the door once her pictures were secure.
Shadowy light illuminated Kit as she slipped into the hall. Her footsteps echoes quietly. Each dark figure or noise sent her flinching and jumping, her heart thundering. She shoved away tears and kept her head down. The dark was disorienting, worsening her panicked state and before Kit knew it, she wasn't sure which way she way going.
She turned a corner, bumping against a wall and holding her breath. Within a second, bright light filled the room. Kit slowly lifted her head, eyes settling on May as her heart dropped.
"What are you doing up?" May asked, on her way back from the cockpit.
Kit sniffled and tried to stop crying. "I'm running away," she answered, defiance coloring her words, but May didn't miss the undertone of fear and hesitation. Kit bit her lip, her heart hanging in suspense, despite her denial, she couldn't help wondering if May would let her leave.
The older woman knelt down so she was eyelevel with Kit. "I can't make you stay, we can't make you do anything, but if you left everyone would miss you so much, Kit. We only want what's best for you and we want to keep you safe and loved and happy."
The nervous feeling in Kit's stomach eased just a bit.
"Why do you want to run away? I bet we can fix it."
The little girl's quick responded betrayed her attempts to stay mad. "Because everyone hates me. Nobody would miss me. It'd be easier with me gone," Kit responded, voice losing its fire, eyes suddenly interested in studying her shoes.
"That's not true," May said and gently lifted Kit's chin. "You want to tell me what's going on?"
"I did something bad," Kit said and immediately dropped her head, salty tears dripping from the tip of her nose.
May remained silent, waiting for Kit to continue on her own.
"I'm bad," Kit said, more tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm a bad kid."
"No." May stepped forward and squeezed Kit closer, rubbing the girl's back. "No, Kit. You're not bad at all. Why would you think that?"
"Because bad things keep happening to me and everyone around me and… I said mean things to Skye and to Jemma and Coulson. And..." Kit sucked in a deep breath, trying to stop crying. "Everything's my fault. Mommy's gone and it's because of me. Why did she leave?"
"Shh, Kit," May said, stroking Kit's hair soothingly. "It's not your fault. Your mom did not want to leave. You're good, Kit. You're so, so good. I don't ever want you to think you're bad."
"But I do bad things!" Kit said, wiping tears off her face furiously. "I get mad sometimes and I don't always mean to but I push people or say things that aren't nice. I'm bad, and that's why everyone leaves."
"We're not going anywhere, Kit. I'm right here; Coulson, Skye, Simmons, Fitz, Ward, they're just down the hall or a few rooms over. We're all going to do everything in our power to stay with you, okay? Doing bad things doesn't make you a bad person, Kit. Everyone does bad things sometimes. You are not the reason bad things happen."
"Then why do the bad people keep trying to get me? Why did I stay alive when Mommy h-had to die?" Kit asked as sobs shook her frame, her prior frustration having melted away long ago, leaving its root of confusion and grief.
"I don't know, Kit. Sometimes things just happen and we don't know why they do. You've been so brave and so strong and so good about everything, and I'm so sorry for what you've been through."
"I don't wanna be brave anymore," Kit said and May could feel her physically deflate. "I just want my mom."
"I know," May said, gently running her fingers across Kit's back.
"May?" Kit asked after a moment of silence, waiting to make eye contact before continuing. "Do they hate me?"
"Whom?"
"Skye and Jemma and Coulson… Ward, too? Do they hate me?"
"No. Not at all, Kit. They're just sad because they care about you and love you, and when someone you love says something that hurts your feelings, it hurts extra bad. The way you acted wasn't nice or acceptable, but it's okay to feel the way you did. We'll work on some techniques to help you feel better and handle everything that goes on in your head, okay?"
Kit nodded, she'd been so anxious about telling May what she'd said that she was overcome with relief and gratitude, suddenly flinging her arms around May's neck. "Thank you f-for not letting me le-leave."
"Anytime," May said, standing up and taking Kit's hand firmly in her own. "You've always got us here."
May invited Kit to stay in her bunk and Kit happily followed. At the little girl's suggestion, they stopped by Kit's room to grab markers and paper, dropping off her backpack and picking up Kit's favorite blanket while they were there.
Once they were in May's bunk, the agent helped Kit make 'sorry' cards for everyone. After half an hour of working, Kit leaned back, admiring their work.
"Do you think they'll like them?" Kit asked, playing with her fingers nervously.
"I think they'll love them," May answered. "You did well."
Kit smiled. The first genuine smile May had seen in a while.
"Can we give it to them now?"
May laughed softly. "No, it's too late. If you don't get enough sleep, we'll both be in trouble with Simmons."
A huff fell from Kit's lips. "All right."
"Tomorrow morning we can wake up early and leave them around the Bus for everyone, so it's the first thing they see when they get up."
"Okay," Kit said, watching as May slipped into her bed and lifted up the covers, offering them to Kit.
"Coming?"
Kit smiled and climbed onto the bed. May was soft and warm and strong, and it reminded Kit of Mommy. With May by her side, Kit wasn't scared of the bad men.
A few hours later, however, Kit discovered sleep was still a hopeless endeavor. In the dark, alone without distraction, insecurity continued to gnaw on her wellbeing until she couldn't take it anymore.
Kit slid out of bed and tucked the sheets back around May before grabbing the 'sorry' cards from where they were stacked. She wrapped her blanket tightly around herself so it fell down her back like a cape and clutched Eliza, her elephant before sneaking out of the door.
Kit was immediately drawn to Skye's room, realizing that she'd said the worst to the former hacker. The small girl leaned back against the door and slowly sunk to the ground. She imagined Skye on the other side and hoped with all her heart that Skye wouldn't be mad at her.
A shiver shook Kit's body and she pulled the blue blanket tighter around herself, taking the pictures out of her pocket and studying them. She looked at the first one of her and Audrey before tucking it behind the new one. She had been in the lab with FitzSimmons and was sitting on Skye's lap, sitting up to pour the last chemical into their fizzing substance, with FitzSimmons cheering her on. Coulson had taken it when none of them were looking and Skye had insisted on getting it printed and she'd made sure a copy had ended up in Kit's room.
Kit traced the picture before pulling out the first one and holding them side by side. She curled up against Skye's door and fought sleep as her eyes closed.