Present Day
"Where the fuck did you bring us, Evans?"
James' muttered comment almost made her smile as the rows of obnoxiously tidy single-family homes slid by. The neighborhood shouted "respectable," and as she finally turned her Rover right onto Privet Drive, Lily couldn't help but shudder.
It had taken her weeks to get Petunia's new address for Lily's emergency contact page when she'd landed her position at the bar. Weeks of ignored messages, then hang-ups, which progressed to whispered pleas and outright screaming. Finally, it took Lily's promise to never contact Petunia ever again, ever, to pry one little number and a street name out of her estranged sister.
It's not like she hadn't had anyone – Padmil was her other emergency contact and Lily knew she could rely on her friend. There was just something about having family on that page, though. Surly Petunia would want to know if she'd died, right? Of course she would, Lily had told herself firmly. She had almost believed herself, too. Now, as she put the Rover in park outside of number four Privet Drive, Lily fervently hoped that Petunia had softened a bit over the years.
"Why are we here again?"
Lily watched Remus stretch lazily through the rearview mirror, managing to keep it down to just one quick glance at the other occupant of the backseat. The guys had finally agreed to drive when she threw a fit about leaving her car behind. Something told her she wasn't going to be back in Edinburgh anytime soon, and the thought of being without Muggle transportation was appalling. She needed another exit strategy, she'd told herself.
"I just need to give her a heads-up. If someone's after me…" she answered Remus' question evasively, letting the sentence hang.
A deep, fortifying breath, and then another. Still, she couldn't force herself to open the car door. "I can do this," she murmured, loosening her white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.
"Hey. We're with you."
The kind, understanding tone and comforting hand from the backseat almost made her come undone. After three hours of nothing but silence and sarcasm, hearing her James was almost too much.
"I know," she replied tightly, resting her forehead on the steering wheel. "It's just… she hasn't changed."
Sirius made a whistling noise through his teeth and looked up from doing god-knows-what on her phone. "Even after what happened with your parents?"
Lily nodded slowly. "That night she, ah, she yelled at me. Kind of attacked me, actually," she added laughing humorlessly. "They modified her memory before left."
"Your fucking sister." She could hear James' fingers drumming on the window ledge, marking out a furious tattoo. He let out an explosive breath. "Is she still with that lump?"
"Lump?" Sirius asked, sliding Lily's phone back in her pocket. She didn't trust the self-satisfied smirk that went along with it and made a mental note to inspect the device closely the next time she had a chance.
"Oh you'll like him," James practically purred.
Lily's eyes shot to the rearview mirror at the pure wickedness in his voice and she gave him a warning glare. "James."
Sirius rubbed his hands together. "Well let's get on with it, then! Onwards, Lilliputian!"
Rolling her eyes, she opened the door and then paused. "Be nice. Petunia won't talk to me if you're off torturing Vernon."
They gave her semi-serious nods (that was the best she would get, from that crew) and they made their way up the perfectly manicured path. It was mid-morning on a fairly warm Saturday in November, so the neighbors were out and about washing their already-clean cars and mowing their militantly short lawns. She could feel the weight of their stares as they eyed (and judged) the four of them. Lily was in her leggings and oversized grey sweater, a dusty pink scarf carelessly thrown around her neck. She alone would've been fine, but Remus didn't help things with his shaggy hair, holey jeans, and ragged Star Wars t-shirt. Throw in Sirius' unapologetically black outfit – from leather jacket to motorcycle boots – and James' untamable hair, Puddlemere United t-shirt, and too-well-fitting jeans… they made quite the scene in that neighborhood.
As if she sensed that something wasn't perfectly normal in her perfectly ordinary driveway, Petunia Dursley stuck her head through the curtains, eyes narrow as she scanned the lawn. It wasn't hard to see the exact moment she spotted them. Her eyes popped comically wide, and the look of complete and utter horror that suffused her face would have been hilarious had Lily not been intimately acquainted with the reason behind it.
Lily took a steadying breath. Here goes nothing.
James watched Lily's shoulders tense at Petunia's look of shock and horror, and, not for the first time, he wanted to shake some sense into the woman. You're supposed to be her sister, he thought, the person that accepts her without condition. God, if Sirius ever treated him like that… James balled his hands into fists in an effort to resist reaching for Lily's hand as they walked toward the looming door.
Petunia's thin nose, a haughty brown eye, and a horrible floral housecoat was all they could see through the two-inch crack that appeared.
"What are you doing here?" she hissed, looking nervously toward her Muggle neighbors behind them.
Lily held up a placating hand. "Tuny, I just need to "
"Don't call me that. What do you want?"
"Can we just come in?"
The woman looked at them incredulously. "Absolutely not. I should have never given you this address, you freak."
James stilled. "Excuse me?" he questioned, his voice dangerously quiet.
Remus pushed his way to the front of the group, knocking Lily into James. He ignored the need to hold her and stepped away instead, avoiding Sirius' accusing eyes. Lily's defensive shoulder-hunch made him hate himself, and he was relieved when Sirius stepped forward to put a comforting arm around her.
"Petunia! We've met before, I'm sure you remember?" Remus' booming voice made them all wince.
She went even more pale (James didn't know it was possible to be that pale and still breathing) and opened the door another inch. "Go away."
James watched Lily shrink into herself even more and wondered if they should just go. Remus had that devilish look on his face they all got when they were playing a prank. He wondered what his friend had in mind until he saw Remus' eyes flick to the nosy neighbors, who were now doing their yard work conveniently closer to number four. One pink-robed fellow was watering the air, his gaze riveted to the strange visitors invading their street.
Well, if he couldn't comfort Lily, at least he could make her sister uncomfortable. It had been one of his favorite games, back in the day. James stretched his arms out and flexed his hands, like he was going in for a bear hug, grinning widely.
"PETUNIA! IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU!"
His roar made the neighbors give up any pretense of tactful snooping as they all dropped what they were doing to stare. Petunia's head jerked back into her neck like a turtle, lips pressed together in a furious white line.
"Fine," she whispered. "You have ten "
"Who the devil is at the door?"
The indignant cry from inside the house made James turn and wink at Sirius. "Lump alert," he muttered. "Enjoy."
"FU " he swallowed his curse as Lily's heel slammed onto his toe.
Vernon Dursley's red face, as round as his wife's was pointed, materialized behind Petunia, darkening as it took in the group on his doorstep.
"Get them inside before someone sees."
"Too late," Sirius informed him cheerfully, giving a friendly wave to the neighbors.
They filed in, James' fist closing around his wand as the man began snapping his fingers for them to go faster. Knowing him too well, Lily put her hand on his wand arm without even looking at him. He took a breath. Why did she want to come to this godforsaken place, he wondered as they walked down an obnoxiously yellow hallway.
"Who do you think lives in there?" Sirius laughed, pointing to a cupboard under the stairs.
Completely done at this point, James just shook his head. Who the fuck knew, with these people. They came into a sitting room done entirely in yet another awful floral pattern. Petunia and Vernon hovered by the fireplace and didn't invite them to take a seat.
Ignoring the obvious hint, Sirius threw himself onto their small couch, settling in with a loud sigh. James took a seat as well, glaring at Vernon. Remus stood by Lily, who was staring at her sister with a heartbreaking, horrified expression. What now?
"Petunia, can I speak to you privately?" Her voice was strangled.
Vernon started sputtering indignantly until his wife held up a hand. "It's fine," she said stonily. "Whatever will get them to leave faster."
As Petunia led Lily into the kitchen, James finally smiled. "So, Vernon," he began with relish, "did your best man ever get rid of his curly little problem?"
Lily looked at her sister's orderly home in a daze as they walked through to the kitchen. Would I have spent a lot of time here, if things were different? Once upon a time she and Petunia had been inseparable. And now… she glanced at her sister's slightly swollen stomach, feeling her own sink.
"Are you pregnant?"
Petunia's folded her arms over her stomach protectively. "Why are you here?"
Lily's jaw dropped. "You are! I can't believe you didn't tell me!"
"Oh, you can't believe?" Petunia hissed, eyes flashing. "Well, I can't believe my own sister got our parents killed. I can't believe I'm related to such a freak."
Fuck, that hurt. No matter how much she steeled herself and quelled her optimism, her sister's rejection killed her every time. She huffed out a breath and set her shoulders.
"Fine. I didn't come here just to bother you. I need..." As she stared at her sister's protective hands resting on her belly, the gravity of the situation hit her in a wave. She hadn't let herself think about it much, but the thought that she might, someday, carry a life inside her, James' child… It was like a mother bear roared to life inside of her, and Lily realized in that moment that she'd do literally anything to save their prophesied child. If she had to lie to and manipulate her sister in the process, so be it.
Petunia raised her eyebrows expectantly.
"I'm pregnant." Lily copied her sister's movements and folded her hands over her belly, hoping her lie was convincing. "James doesn't know yet," she added quickly.
Her expression softening slightly (must have been the hormones), Petunia nodded. "What do you need?"
Lily swallowed, letting her very real desperation and fear leach into her voice. Petunia tried to jerk away as Lily grasped her by the arms. "I need you to promise me that if James and I die…"
Petunia was already shaking her head "no," and Lily gripped her arms harder. "If my child is brought to you…"
She wrenched away. "Stop saying that, Lily!"
"Promise me you'll raise them like your own. Please."
The two women stared at one another from across the kitchen. Petunia, furious and confused, defensive of her family and way of life. Lily, desperate and shaking, begging for her family.
"I don't want any trouble," Petunia admitted, her eyes darting toward the sitting room. "Vernon doesn't know how mum and dad died. I don't want to put my family in danger."
Finally, Lily saw the terror in Petunia's eyes. They both just wanted the best for the people they loved, she realized. It hurt like a mother to realize that Petunia's version of that didn't include her.
"You'll be safe," she vowed. "As far as the wiz " she paused as Petunia made a strangled noise. "As far as my world knows, you don't want to have anything to do with me. No one knows we're here. What I'm asking you might not even be necessary. Hell, I hope it isn't. Do you think I want my child to be raised in this piece of suburban hell?"
Petunia jerked back like she'd been slapped. Realizing her anger was getting the best of her, Lily swallowed. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I'm scared, Tuney. I want to protect my child just like you want to protect yours. Promise me you'll help. That's all I want."
A few long moments passed as Petunia looked down at her growing belly, contemplating who-knows-what. Shoulders heavy with failure, Lily started to turn toward the sitting room when her sister finally spoke, almost under her breath.
"They were always so proud of you."
The naked pain and grief in her expression made Lily's eyes fill with tears.
"Our wonderful witch," she quoted, giving a proud little shoulder shake just like their mum used to do. "They would sit there at dinner wondering what you were doing that moment at that freakish school. It was always about you – Lily this, and Lily that. 'Oh! Look at the letter Lily sent! By owl!'" Petunia snorted derisively. "It didn't matter what I was doing in school. Who I was dating. All I heard about was precious James Potter."
"You know they were proud of you too," Lily denied, shaking her head. "Their letters to me were filled with all the stuff you were doing. I loved hearing about it."
"And then, we lost them," Petunia continued as if she hadn't spoken. "You got them killed. Their wonder-girl got them murdered." Her face was twisted in an ugly, bitter way Lily had never seen, before it crumpled. "They'll never get to meet my baby. Mum will never hold her grandchild."
A pained noise was all Lily could manage and she reached out, desperate for some kind of connection to her own sister. Petunia backed away, shaking her head.
"I miss them. God, I miss them. And I'll never forgive you."
A throat cleared from the hall and both women jumped, yanked out of their own painful little world. James' face was hard as he took them in.
"I know you're Lily's sister, Petunia. I know she loves you, even if the feeling is not mutual. But if I ever hear you blame her for your parent's death ever again, I will make your life miserable."
Petunia had bowed her head at James' harsh words, but it snapped up again at his threat. Her hand flew to her chest. "Well I have never been so offended in my entire life."
James stepped forward, getting into her space. "She came here to warn you about what's happening, to do you a favor. And this is how you thank her?"
Thank god, he hadn't heard too much. Lily swallowed and silently begged Petunia not to spill the beans. Apparently there was some shred of sisterly kindness left in her, because she nodded slowly before pointing to the door.
"Get out."
Lily tensed and started to ask her to please fucking promise her, but before she could open her mouth, Petunia looked her in the eye.
"I promise. Don't come back here."
Lily held her gaze for a moment longer. She saw the honesty she needed, the devotion to family duty that might one day protect her child.
"Thank you." Tears now streaming down her face, Lily nodded at Petunia's stomach. "And congratulations."
James head felt like it was going to explode as he put his arm around Lily and guided her out of the house. Vernon marched behind a very confused Remus and Sirius, likely to make sure they hadn't lifted the silver.
He motioned for Sirius to drive (he was the only one who had his Muggle license, out of the three of them) and pushed Lily gently into the backseat. James followed her in and Remus awkwardly got into the front seat, his expression clearly asking what the hell James thought he was doing.
"What happened back there?"
Lily was wiping her eyes, already trying to pull herself together and he was so damn proud of the person she was. Not many would give the time of day to that monster of a sister.
"She's pregnant," Lily explained flatly, her voice not inviting any more discussion.
James' heart gave a painful lurch. Oh god. He tried not to think about the many conversations they'd had about their future kids while they were together. Harry, for a boy. Lily didn't want to name her child Harold – it sounded like an old man's name, she thought – but she still wanted to honor her dad. For a girl, Iris, to continue the flower naming tradition. James had fervently hoped their kids would have Lily's amazing hair, not his untamable mop.
The sense of loss concerning a child they would never have almost brought James to his knees. Get a grip, he told himself. His ever-defiant mind flew back to that night. They'd had sex, after all. Despite their whispered, hurried conversation about birth control and STD's (those oh-so-romantic topics), it could still happen. He immediately began stressing out and wondering how in the world he was going to ask his ex-girlfriend if her period had come yet. Fuck.
Sirius pulled away from the curb and James cast about for some way to lighten up the situation and get his mind off the what-if's.
"Let's talk about the topic of 'precious James Potter,' coming up at your family's dinner table," he suggested, forcing levity into his voice.
"Oh, Petunia," Lily lamented. He was glad to see her laughing a bit.
"Is that our new curse word? I like it." Sirius tossed back. "I have to say, Lilybells, I didn't think any family could be worse than mine, but you give me a run for my galleons, that's for sure."
"You could've stayed in the car," she groused, hand reaching forward to ruffle his hair fondly. "Besides, I'm sure you had an excellent time with Vernon."
"Oh, Vernon. Maybe that could be another curse word in our little repertoire."
Lily smiled reluctantly. "At least no one gained a tail, this time."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that," Remus, of all people, winked from the front seat.
There was a stunned moment of silence before they all burst into laughter. Sure that she was going to be ok, James shifted away from Lily. They couldn't risk it, he reminded himself. He refused to let her die for some stupid prophecy.
"I miss you… I miss you…"
They all jumped as the Blink 182 song shouted obnoxiously from the speakers. Sirius glanced back apologetically, his guilty hand on the radio dial. James felt Lily's glance, but wouldn't meet her eyes. The joking mood in the car evaporated as everyone looked awkwardly out the window.
He switched seats with Remus at the petrol station after a whispered conversation outside the restroom.
"What the hell are you doing, James?" Moony's hands arms were crossed, feet planted wide.
Remus was almost as protective of Lily as she was of him. God knew he should be, after all the times she'd helped him after his transformations.
"There's something I need to tell you, I just haven't had the chance," he tried to explain, sighing as Sirius impatiently waved them down from the car. "I'm not just a heartless asshole, I'm doing this for a reason. I need to stay away from her."
"Right. Tell me later. But don't yank her around. She's in enough pain as it is."
"I know."
Where you can always find me,
We'll have Halloween on Christmas,
And in the night we'll wish this never ends,
We'll wish this never ends.
.
4 Years Ago…
Her lungs felt like they were on fire. Lily doubled over, sucking in one torturous breath, and then another, even as she frantically tried to quiet her own breathing. He was out there. Listening for her, sniffing for her. Hunting her.
It was far more than the chilly air that made her shiver and hunch her shoulders, eyes flickering desperately around her for any movement. She hadn't heard the bone-chilling howl in some time – had it been one minute, five, ten? Time had lost all meaning. The only things Lily could think about were simple: life and death.
She'd give anything to rewind that evening…
"You're freaking out."
"I am not," Lily protested, running her hands over her lavender lace bridesmaid dress for the millionth time. "It's just that I have to look perfect for–"
James put his hands over hers and stopped their downward progress. Their eyes met through the mirror standing next to Lily's closet, and she gave him a shaky smile as he bent his head to whisper in her ear.
"You always look perfect."
She couldn't help the delighted shiver that ran down her spine. God, she was lucky, Lily thought as she leaned into his kiss.
An indeterminable amount of time later they made their way down from Gryffindor Tower.
"Oy!" Sirius pounded James' back as he caught up with them on a moving stairwell, jumping from the landing just in time.
Staggering back a step, James pretended to push him off.
"Hey! I need my wedding date looking pristine for tomorrow, thank you," Lily chided. "Not splattered at the bottom of a tower."
James winced at the mental image but soon rallied. "She thinks I'm pristine," he preened at Sirius, who promptly resumed pushing.
Lily pinned them with a glare. "I'll be pushing both of you off these stairs if you don't get back here by nine tomorrow. Petunia will kill me if I'm late."
"I'll drag 'em all back Lilyfin," Serius promised over his shoulder as he jumped lightly down to the next landing. This one was stationary, Lily was glad to see. Seven years and that was still one of the things she couldn't get used to.
They made it to the bottom of the tower (no clean-up required) and into the castle quad. Remus and Peter jumped up from their seats on the stone balustrade and hurried to meet them.
Looking at the four of them in their black hoodies and beanies, Lily couldn't believe she'd missed it. Tonight was the night that one of her best friends in the world would go through the horrific pain of transformation and the even more horrific guilt afterward. It was also the night that her boyfriend and two of her other best friends would risk their lives, not to mention prison time, to make sure Remus didn't hurt himself or anyone else.
She dismissed the sudden shiver of dread that coursed through her. It was just a regular full-moon. They'd done it countless times without mishap over the years. Her temper flared, an irrational surge of anger at Petunia for picking this weekend, of all weekends.
"Give me two, guys. I'll be right there."
Lily leaned into James as he waved the trio on ahead of them before wrapping her in a hug. "Do me a favor, Lily," he said into her ear.
Pulling back slightly, she searched his suddenly serious gaze. "What is it?"
"Stay in the castle tonight."
She bristled slightly – Lily had never been one to take limitations well – before reminding herself that he was just trying to protect her from the werewolf otherwise known as their friend.
When they'd first started dating, James sat her down and told her that one night out of every month he went on a trip with the guys. Although she obviously pressed him, James refused to say what it was about, only that it was really important to him and that some day she would know. In the meantime, he'd said, it wasn't his secret to tell. Knowing full well what they got up to those nights, Lily had guiltily agreed not to question him. Now, when that full-moon came around, she tortured herself trying to get up the nerve to tell him that she knew. How do you casually bring up that you know your boyfriend's deepest secret, she wondered?
Tonight, as it had for the last eight full-moons, her courage failed her once again. Lily forced a smile and gave her boyfriend a squeeze.
"Alright. I don't even have patrol tonight so the only thing I'll be doing tonight is studying for that stupid potions quiz." she complained, watching with satisfaction as James' shoulders relaxed.
He kissed the top of her head, his mind already on the night ahead. "I'll see you in the morning, Lils."
"Love you, James. Be safe, guys."
Sirius made kissing noises in response, his obnoxiousness making up for Remus' barely-there smile and Peter's stiff nod. Lily knew this night was hard on all of them.
I can help you, she shouted silently to their retreating backs. You don't have to do this by yourselves.
Lily turned toward the Great Hall with a sigh, mentally reviewing her plans for the night. Dinner with Marlene, and oh she should probably study for that Arithmancy exam… Mind racing, she almost slammed into the still figure in front of her.
"Going somewhere, mudblood?"
Not tonight, she lamented. The Slytherin Prefect was a master at being perfectly decent in front of professors and other adults in authority, and perfectly awful as soon as their backs were turned. He was a constant headache, and she was sick at dealing with him.
"To the library, actually." Lily shot him a doubtful look. "Have you heard of it? Lots of books, shelves..."
For once Avery refused to take the bait and just scowled at her. "People like you shouldn't even be allowed in the castle, much less in the library. Anyways, I came to tell you that I need to switch the patrol schedule."
Well that sounded... reasonable. Taken aback, Lily didn't answer for a moment.
"Hello? Did you hear me?" Avery demanded.
"Oh, ah, right. When?"
"Tonight." He cleared his throat, averting his eyes. "I need to study for that potions exam." His voice was just the right amount of embarrassed to convince her that he was telling the truth.
He didn't bother waiting for her to agree before nodding briskly and stalking away toward the dungeons. Lily couldn't help but be hopeful, despite herself. Maybe some of her efforts were working.
Several hours later, she cursed herself for being so naïve. Of course Avery would conveniently have to "study" (she seriously doubted he even knew what the word meant) the night that Regulus decided to take a stroll. At midnight. Toward the Forbidden Forest. Alone.
After alerting a house-elf so that McGonagall would know, she sped toward the castle doors. James' warnings flashed through her mind as she slipped through, throwing a mental half-apology his way. She'd never been one to follow directions well, anyways. As she reached the tree-line, a strangled yell from the darkness spurred her on. He may have been Sirius' brother, but if that little twerp was doing something to put Hogwarts in danger…
Her tiny light, more like a spark than a proper flame, lit just the area in front of her feet. She'd tried to let her eyes adjust, but had been tripping more than doing any actual looking. Flinching at every random sound from the forest, Lily cursed herself for the millionth time as she realized just how deep into the forest she'd gotten.
It wasn't until the fourth howl that she realized the bone-shivering sound was getting closer. A fifth howl confirmed her suspicions, and several distinct facts occurred to her. First, it was a full moon. Second, one of her best friends was a freaking werewolf. Third… she should run. Now.
She made her light brighter and sprinted toward the castle. Thumping footsteps (paw steps?) sounded behind her, an ominous tattoo that began to outpace even the speedy beating of her own heart. There was a crash, and something whooshed over her head. Lily scrambled to a stop, narrowly missing running full-tilt into a magnificent stag. James, she hoped, she prayed.
A furious bark to her left informed her that yes, her friends had joined her. She sagged in relief momentarily, only to stiffen as the crashing behind her didn't stop. Remus.
She barely registered the stag and wolf leaping in front of her, hackles up, ready to fight. What could only be described as a monster charged through the trees toward them. It (he, Lily reminded herself fiercely) was a hulking, snarling mass of fur and fury. Fur the same color as Remus' hair covered a body that was easily five times his size. Hating herself even as she did it, she scrambled back toward the trees. The stag threw her a look that plainly said, "run, you idiot." About to obey, she stopped as she realized what James and Sirius were about to do.
"No!" Her scream drew the attention of the werewolf. She would not let Remus rip apart his best friends. "That's right," she encouraged, voice shaky but still there, "look at me. You want me."
The dog growled low in his throat and the stag gave an enraged shake of his antlers. The werewolf seemed to become a bit confused, looking between the three easy choices of prey. They all tensed as his head swung with eerie finality toward Lily.
Finally, her brain came un-frozen and she began firing spell after spell at the creature. Nothing that would do permanent damage, obviously, just enough to stun. At least… that was the hope. The lump in her throat grew tighter as he continued his advance, ignoring the dog and stag going crazy trying to distract him. No one wants to hurt you, she pleaded mentally. Just stop.
Lily could feel the heat from his body as the werewolf crouched low, getting ready to make the final leap to annihilate its prey. Suddenly, it reared back, clawing at its eyes. Lily laughed slightly hysterically as she recognized the tiny form that had decided to try its luck at becoming a furry wolf blindfold. This time she followed the stag's stern nod and began again her sprint toward safety.
She'd almost made it to the tree line when it happened. A wolf's yelp of pain, a stag's grunt of defeat, a rat's squeak of panic, and then… silence. She doubled over, trying to quiet her heaving breaths, listening, listening for the friend that wanted to rip her to shreds. Then, she heard it. The tell-tale crack of branches behind her, announcing her death. Slowly, Lily turned, heartbeat in her throat. James, was all she could think before the massive shadow leapt. Then, she couldn't think anything at all.