Ok. Here it is. Largely unedited and from my heart.
XX
Mary tried to get most of her work done at home or at the refitted library rather than face the office in the days after one of her worst nightmares came true. She had been in and out of the Old Church St. Design building and, she had to admit, while the atmosphere was tense when she first walked in, there was an air of business as usual. Mary acknowledged there were not as many snickers and sniggering comments from coworkers as she expected. She thought wryly her partners would say any publicity for their firm is good publicity.
But she felt more comfortable alone.
She and Matthew had texted a bit the night she left Downton to return to Oxford. He seemed remarkably even tempered about the whole thing. Her responses were very short and consisted of monosyllabic yesses or noes.
Finally, sensing this edgy quality in her texts, he clicked on her number.
She answered, a monotone, strained voice.
"Mary, darling, what's done is done." He said, pitching the sound of his voice low and soothing.
"As long as we're good, we can get through anything." Matthew, sitting on the floor in the guest bedroom at Downton, wanted nothing more than to believe the truth of that. They had left each other the night before with a passionate kiss. He liked saying the words to reaffirm their commitment.
She said nothing.
The pause lengthened between them. She could hear his short anxious breaths at the other end of the mobile.
"Matthew I need some time to work everything out." She finally said the statement he knew she was going to say. But did not want to hear.
"I hope you understand." Mary tore at the corner of her mouth with her teeth, hating herself but knowing the truth of her words.
"Yes." He responded, reflecting her earlier monotone answers. He coughed, took better control over his words and said, trusting her to make the best decision for herself, "I understand."
Mary, on her end, knew she was sending mixed messages. She had tried to convince Matthew before she left Downton that all was right between them.
But if truth be told, she did not tell him all her thoughts.
If pressed Mary admitted to herself she did not regret 'cutting loose' that night in Oxford. She enjoyed it far too much. She found it deeply ironic she fell victim to that first assessment she made of Matthew -his remarkable disarming charm. Indeed it was becoming clear to her she had to fight to maintain any rational thought with regards to him. Their intimacy, their sexual desire ignited her in places she thought long dormant. And after their time at Downton, she no longer could imagine her life without Matthew in it.
For her that was not the issue at all. They were not the problem.
The reality was tabloid scandal with lurid headlines and half truthed accusations had haunted her every action since Edith's troubles five years earlier. She told herself then she would never have put herself in a situation where she'd be the subject of ridicule and innuendo. How stupid. How foolish. What did Edith expect she had said at the time?
Now, though, now on the other side, it was a very different picture. She was now in the glaring spotlight. And Matthew. His name, his academic reputation, and his personal life now in the scrutiny of unseen eyes. For all she knew their names were now social media trending hashtags as well.
She would take her time from now on. The press had her rushing into the arms of her lover even as she scorned her fiancé. That she could not abide. She would not be pushed into anything. Even if Matthew wanted to make some kind of commitment, which they had danced around when talking to each other, Mary knew she would not accept. Not yet.
Matthew, finally wanting to end the silence, tried to change the tack of the conversation by saying that his mother and sister and called and texted him almost hourly. He had put them off saying that he would visit soon.
But at that news Mary slumped over and dropped down to her knees. It was as close as she came to breaking down.
"Damn it," she said, "Oh Matthew. I'm so sorry. I've been so selfish." Aware that she had blown her first opportunity to make a good impression on his family. She berated herself for concentrating on her own family's reaction and the consequences for herself. But nothing could be done now.
"Shhh." He responded, "No worries." Despite everything he wished he was there to clasp her in his arms and allow her to press into his chest and his warmth.
"Mother is already anticipating meeting you. She says you look lovely in the pictures. I'm the one who's in the dog house for not telling them I was seeing anyone." He kept it light, his tone attempting a playfulness he did not really feel. "Maybe we can set a time…"
"Not right now," Mary said her voice on edge. "I can't meet anyone now. I'm so busy and we cannot be seen together."
"All right." Matthew responded, somewhat thwarted by the finality of those words.
The conversation, at an impasse, they said a simple good-bye and each clicked off.
XX
Matthew woke early the next morning and went for his regular run around the perimeter of the Abbey. He was not completely taken aback by Mary's reaction last night. He knew that she was right that they should not be seen together, as frustrating as that sounded to him. He would play it by ear and give her the time she needed.
And, in any event, he had plenty of other worries to occupy his mind. As he ran his thoughts kept coming back to the notion that this might just be his last day here. That Robert, so angry and embarrassed for the family, would kick him out, no matter that his research was half done.
And really, Matthew thought, who could blame him. Robert would be looking to protect the family and the easiest solution would be to exile the man responsible for putting everyone into the glaring spotlight.
But damn it, what should he have done instead? As he wound his last lap around the edge of the drive he went through his options but none were ideal. Have told Robert? No. He could not have done that. Mary had been engaged and it would have been indecorous to tell. And stupid. So confessed that he too was unaware of Mary's engagement when they met in Oxford? No. That would have just made him a prat. He would never have broken her trust. He also believed he would not have cared if she had told him. And that, he knew, would never be divulged to Robert.
He sighed. It was a no win situation. And now it was too late. They had been on the verge of telling her parents the whole story, but the tabloids got it first. He was very regretful about that but he was not sorry about the way he felt about her. About their relationship. None of it. He doesn't regret their action. He's not going to be shamed by the press into some sort of apology.
The run relaxed him and at least for the moment released some of his pent up stress and anxiety. He ran upstairs had a quick shower, dressed in jeans and a shirt and went back down for breakfast.
Matthew walked into the dining room, aware that he might not be welcome. Taking a deep breath he walked into the door way. Instead of Robert, however, he found the middle sister Edith glancing at her phone while sipping a cup of coffee. He continued in and took a plate from the side buffet. He had not spoken much to Edith either the afternoon or the past evening. Mary, as close as her relationship with Sybil appeared, hardly spoke of her other sister. And when she did it was about the scandal that had erupted five years ago that shook Mary to the core and made her into the private, almost reclusive person she appeared today.
He sat down and gave a brief smile of acknowledgement to the woman now scrolling rather quickly through some messages.
Edith finally said, "I don't know what Mary told you, but I don't bite. I might snap but not bite."
They both grinned.
"Just because Mary and I don't see eye to eye doesn't mean we can't be friends."
"Dare I ask what you're reading?" He said, munching on a slice of toast. He had a half smirk half chagrined look as he tried not to peek at her mobile.
"Well, the latest headline I'm afraid, is "The Lady is pregnant with Love Child." Edith glanced up quickly.
Matthew nearly choked as he almost spit out the toast. "What?! God damn them all. How do they come up with this crap?"
"Oh far too easily I'm afraid. Remember I've been down the road you two are now on" And Edith looked more directly at him. She said, hesitating, "and …I just might be able to be useful here."
"Well I'll listen to anything." Matthew said, cleaning up the crumbs that had spilled from his mouth.
"I think you already know the most important thing is not to give them anything more to feed off of. I made that mistake. I tried to go about my daily life as if they didn't matter. Well I ended up being followed everywhere, hounded by photographers, not really being able to trust even anyone I talked to." Sounding frustrated at those memories, Edith shrugged it off. "Well, let them stew and flail about with what they've got. They'll get bored soon enough and move on to the next Kardashian disaster or twerking incident."
They laughed nervously, but Matthew appreciated her help.
"Where is Mary?" Edith asked, "I went up early last night.
Matthew said, somewhat ruefully, "Mary left late last night. She wanted time alone."
"Sounds just like her. Always wants to handle things on her own."
She turned to Matthew who was listening intently.
"Look Matthew, Mary hates the press. She hates the very idea of public exposure. It's going to take some time for her to accept that something so personal is out of her control. She will believe she should have known better. That she should have been able to control her emotions given the history of the family. She has never really forgiven me for putting us in the tabloid spotlight."
'Couldn't control?" He swallowed. "You think she regrets it? Regrets us being together?" He no longer cared that the family knew of their encounter. He tried not to be frustrated about Mary's reaction but he found himself seeking answers.
"Sybil told me last night that Mary would come around given some time." His voice, though, reflected a growing sense of doubt.
"Oh Matthew…you've got to understand Mary never does anything spontaneous or ill advised. Whatever you experienced with Mary was not her usual self. Sybil and I both know that. And we find it incredibly out of character. Wonderfully so," she acknowledged, putting out her hand to take Matthew's arm.
"When the scandal broke yesterday, I hate to admit it but I liked Mary having to eat her words and accept she had practically begged the press's attention with her public activities," and here she paused and looked somewhat sheepishly at Matthew.
"But that's just petty revenge. And I'm over it." She put her hand on Matthew's arm.
"Sybil's right. It's obvious by the way she's responded that she thinks you're special." Edith quirked her head over to Matthew as she said that. "And to that I say to you good luck, you're going to need it. She has high standards. I never thought she would find anyone who met them. Ronan came close. But she was not in love with him." She said that firmly.
Matthew swallowed hard and licked his lips. He looked over to Edith.
"Question is," Edith said, "Can you live up to those expectations?" She turned her eyes to Matthew.
"Yes." He said, not with a trace of smugness, but sincere truth. "Yes I can."
They smile and Matthew began for the first time in about 48 hours to relax. It was not to last long.
Robert walked in.
He and Matthew look tensely at each other. Neither man knew how to re start their relationship. So much had gone down the previous day…so many confessions unsettled Robert's normally even tempered nature. He knew his children were grown up and leading their own lives. But his natural instinct was to protect Mary from all harm. Even if it came in the form of a man who professed love for his daughter.
Robert moved towards the coffee urn on the side buffet. "I just came in to fill my thermos with coffee…" He turned his back to the table in order to complete the task.
Matthew, half out of his seat, sat back down, a bit crestfallen at the rebuff.
Robert sighed and turned back around. He said, directing his words at Matthew, "would you like to come as I inspect some renovation work done on the old horse stables. I've got a scheme to rent them out to make some money…"
And at that the strained silence started again.
Matthew knew that Ronan's money was going to help out the family. That, although Robert would never say it for he loved Mary too much to acknowledge how much he was relying on Ronan's money and connections in the City to bail out Downton's finances, it was a factor in accepting Matthew. Accepting the fact that Matthew had neither the funds nor the influence Ronan possessed.
"Well" Robert finally completed, "…come on if you want."
"Yes. Thanks." And the younger man followed him out the side door to the garden. Edith mouthed a 'good luck' and smiled.
The two walked in silence, more companionable this time, for quite a spell.
"Let's take the short cut across the garden."
Matthew nodded. He knew the way.
Finally breaking the silence, Matthew started, "Robert, I hope you know, this was not the way we intended to tell you of our relationship. Mary had to work out so much by herself" he hesitated, "…and it was not my place to supersede her trust in this matter. I didn't know what else to do."
Robert nodded.
"I understand that. And I think it speaks well you want to keep Mary's confidences and her privacy. I want what is best for her." He stopped and threw up his hands.
"I am out of my depths here. I'm of a different age where some sort of convention was adhered to. I know things are different now…but given what's happened I'm still not convinced the old fashioned ways might still be best." He harrumphed.
"I know what you must think … that I... I took advantage... or that we acted too recklessly… but I don't usually..." He was babbling now. There was just way he could have this conversation with Robert. No way could he defend that he took the man's daughter to bed hours after learning her name. That he loved every touch, every moment with Mary.
Robert, put up his hand to stop Matthew's ramblings. He did not want to hear Matthew's spluttering defense of a one night stand either.
"Don't bother to explain. That's a private matter, thank God, between you two."
The two men looked at each other. Matthew licked his lips, another of his stress induced tics. Robert had his hands on his hips and then put one of them out and placed it on Matthew's shoulder.
He gave a half smile and said, "I only need to know one thing Matthew. Will you be good to her?"
"I will." Matthew said, echoing his earlier conversation with Edith. The two locked eyes and understood one another.
They then walked on. Once again Matthew felt a measure of relief that was to be short lived.
Robert stopped again. This time a look of apprehension on his face.
"Matthew," Robert said. "Ronan wants to come see me this afternoon." He turned to face the younger man. "Some papers that need to be signed. I…just wanted to warn you. You probably won't see each other but just in case."
Matthew nodded. He did not intend to seek out Ronan's company but would not back down if Ronan wanted some kind of confrontation. He had witnessed a great deal in Afghanistan. He had found himself tested both in will, courage, and strength even as a civilian volunteer. And now wading in the deep waters of aristocracy and privilege, he knew he could easily feel intimidated. Ronan might even expect it.
"Well," Matthew thought, this time with just a touch of confident smugness, "he doesn't really know me then."
Late into the afternoon Matthew had been engrossed in working in the archive. There was still so much to do organizing the files and retrieving all the materials needed to work on the biography of Tom Branson he now envisioned. And he was going to have to go back to Ireland. The project, potentially so exciting to Matthew, was taking on new life of its own. He realized he was going to need all the time until Michaelmas term to complete his research.
For the moment, though, he needed to retrieve a book on parliamentary procedure from the upper library. He walked down the hallway towards the saloon area, holding his reference in his hand. He looked down at the document and as he turned into the library he stopped just short of running right into Ronan as he exited from his meeting with Robert.
Ronan, a look of mixed contempt and anger on his face, merely glared at Matthew.
"Sorry." Matthew half mumbled under his breath and attempted to keep walking. He needed the book and if Ronan wanted to talk he would have to keep up with him. They both entered the small library.
Matthew went to the side wall and began a search for his book. Behind him he heard Ronan cough.
"Do you intend to work your way through all the Crawley women?" Ronan asked, with just a touch of annoyed sarcasm in his voice. "Or was Sybil just not good enough?"
Matthew spun around on his heel. "What?" He said sharply. He had come to think of Sybil as a close friend and he like an older protective brother. "If you have a problem with me, then let's get it out. But don't drag innocent people into it."
"Well wasn't she your girlfriend until you put some kind of move on Mary?" Ronan had been still under this misinterpretation which was one of the reasons why he felt so blindsided by Mary's rejection and the subsequent glaring headlines identifying the man supposedly responsible for her change of heart being the same one he had met ever so briefly at the Ripon club. He remembered Matthew to be something of a jumped up academic who had accused him of complicity in the Libor scandal. But he had been too focused on getting Mary to Paris to bother getting worked up over Matthew's sarcastic comments. If he recalled any tension that night at all he had dismissed it as pre wedding jitters. Now he was seeing just how manipulated he had been.
"No." Matthew said simply. "I had actually just met Sybil that same day. We had a shared interest in volunteer work. That's all."
"So…" Ronan continued to try to grasp on these events. "Your interest in Mary…." He felt a fool for being so obviously deceived. Rather it was deliberate or accidental he did not know. But he did not like it all the same.
"I don't want to get into it with you." Matthew said, not sure whether he had the right to disclose their private affairs without her complicity. Not sure he wanted or cared to tell Ronan anything.
"Well I think I have the right to know given the circumstances. After all yours and Mary's faces are not the only ones being bandied about on the tabloids." Ronan had been appalled that his family was find that he was party to a tabloid scandal. The family name and title being used for comic effect was beyond the pale in his circle.
"That was never meant to happen. And I'm sorry about that. We…I …err… " Matthew sighed and shook his head. "I don't like it any more than you do."
"Do you really think Mary has some romantic notion that she might be in love with you. I told her it was just nerves. Who knows, this little escapade and its' results might just be the thing to get her to settle down."
"Don't talk about Mary like that." Matthew said through tense teeth
Don't tell me how to talk about a woman I've known for over ten years. You are the one who barely knows her." Ronan hated himself for getting worked up over this incident but he could not restrain himself any longer.
"You waltz in and sweep her off her feet. Is that what you think? " Spluttering now, he spit out, "Or rather you used her as a one night stand and now she thinks she's in love with you… well I guess you can call that a conquest. Now go away and let us get on with our lives. I'm quite sure Robert will be happy to see the back of you. He needs me, you know. I've been good to this family."
Matthew could hear no more. "Mary is quite able to make up her own mind. You don't need to remind her of your influence over the family. She's more than capable of dealing with it."
You just don't get it do you. Your little escapade is over…we're all back to reality now. Mary will come her senses and see that all she really wants is not with some poor scribbler of an academic who can't rub two cents together. You just don't fit in." And at that Ronan pushed his on his cufflinks and pulled his shirt sleeve down from where it had ridden up his arm.
Matthew spat out,"You don't realize do you man, you've already lost. Even if Mary and I don't work out," and he gulped at the thought, but continued, "she's never coming back to you. Your world, your society is what stifling her."
Ronan scoffed, "And you think you'll satisfy all her needs?"
"I've done quite well up to now." Matthew said before the words could be recalled out of his mouth.
Ronan just stared daggers. "Your need to insinuate yourself into this family is pathetic. You reek of envy. You'll never fit in here. You think you're so clever. Using your flimsy family connection to insinuate yourself into the Grantham line. Even Robert seems under your spell and your research into the family."
Matthew had not known Robert told Ronan of his interest in the Grantham history.
Ronan played one of his last cards, "You know they have no money, if that's what you're after…"
Matthew just rolled his eyes and continued walking. "You fucked up bastard". Matthew said, low and under his breath. And saying louder, "You can have all this. But you'll never have Mary."
That finally unsettled Ronan enough he looked like wanted to thrash Matthew like a head boy at a public school.
Matthew looked at him coolly. "Are we to take this outside?" He asked his voice low and even. His eyes locked on the other man.
Matthew knew that was a low blow and that Mary would roll her eyes at his attempted male ego bruising but he was beyond caring about what this guy thought of him.
Finally Ronan stopped talking. He took a few moments to stare at the man in front of him. He just did not get it. Matthew looked nothing special.
He held up his hands. "What is it?" He asked exasperated. "What do you have to offer?" He really could not understand this turn of events. Befuddled by how Mary could choose someone like Matthew over himself.
Matthew, not sure where it came from let the words just spilled out of his mouth. He also knew full well Mary might just reject both of them. But at least he would have helped to free her from the clutches of a life that would have strangled her.
"That I will love Mary Crawley until the last breath leaves my body." He said it evenly, clearly, with no attempt to hide his emotions. The words raw, and clutching at the back of his throat, as he understood just how much he meant it.
Ronan simply continued to stare. Matthew turned and walked back downstairs. Knowing that the future was uncertain, but feeling a calm sense of assurance. That what Sybil, what Edith had been trying to tell him was true. They could work it all out. They belonged together. He was the right guy. Now he needed to give Mary all the time she needed to settle her life. He could wait for her.