Chapter 11:
Perhaps because he was waiting patiently for the trap to spring, despite (because) the growing evidence that Itachi was in an impossibly idyllic scenario that he could not have hoped for beyond his wildest dreams, Itachi could not relax, and had frequent insomnia, the likes of which he had rarely suffered before.
Because of this, drinking tea in the dark of the too-early morning hours with Shisui on the rooftop was an almost-nightly ritual.
The same night that Sasuke was told that he would have to return to the Academy, Itachi took a chance and did something that he had badly wanted to do for a number of nights before.
Opening up to Shisui.
Before Shisui's suicide, Itachi had always trusted him. His elder cousin was his only confidant, and they had grown especially close in the time when they had realised that they might be the last two loyal fighting-age Uchiha left.
So, Itachi decided to test this Shisui. See if he could trust him like the one he had known before.
He had considered the plan over the last few days, and decided that there was little risk in this plan.
The worst case scenario would not put him in a worse position than he already potentially was in, be this real or not.
The two of them had been sitting together companionably for a good twenty minutes when Itachi decided to go forward with his little test.
"Hypothetically," Itachi said without preamble, "if you woke up in a foreign dungeon with your last memory being of dying, and then you keep seeing people that you know for a fact are dead, some of whom you know you killed, because you killed them with your own two hands, then what do you assume has happened?"
Shisui, who had clearly been expecting another hour of the two of them sitting mostly silently together on the rooftop together, had not twitched or tensed like a civilian or a genin might have, but Itachi knew he had still taken him pretty thoroughly off guard.
Good, Itachi thought. This way there was a better chance that Shisui's reactions would be more honest, since if he intended manipulation, he would have to think up a strategy on the fly.
"Hypothetically?" Shisui questioned him, his tone carefully flat, looking him straight in the eyes.
"Hypothetically," Itachi returned, tone equally measured as he held his elder cousin's gaze.
Shisui considered him for a few long moments, then looked back out across the dark silhouettes of the nearby rooftops.
"The theory that I was briefed with is that you were brainwashed by the enemy," Shisui said bluntly.
Itachi sighed. So that was how he wanted to play it. Still, that answer was not necessarily only consistent with Shisui lying to him. Thus far no theory that Itachi had come up with was without flaws. The brainwashing one was an idea he had discarded earlier, and he decided that it would not hurt to explain his reasoning.
"That had occurred to me as an option," he thus admitted to his cousin, "but then there's a slight problem with that theory."
"Ah?" Shisui raised an eyebrow.
"Detail," said Itachi. "I assure you, that the sheer level of detail that is involved in this genjutsu, if that is indeed what it is, including details that no one could possibly think of as important- I know how Hoshigake Kisame takes his tea. I could give you a list of villages where it's impossible to get pocky, and I know Ame like the back of my hand. Things like this, and I have 8 years' worth of it in my head, Shisui. I can remember what Konoha would be like if the Yondaime had died when the Kyuubi attacked, and the Sandaime was reinstated. I remember Sasuke being…"Itachi inhaled a slightly choked-off breath, and realised to his shock that he was crying. He hadn't cried since he was 13 and he had murdered his parents and damaged Sasuke permanently… and watched as Shisui had torn out his own eye before throwing himself from the cliff into the river.
And now, since he had woken up, after he died, after Sasuke had tried (and failed, poor foolish little brother,) to kill him, it was like none of that had happened.
Well when he put it like that, Itachi supposed that he had reason enough for feeling a bit… emotionally turbulent. Moreover, he realised with the part of his brain that was dedicated to all things shinobi, including manipulation, showing weakness here suited his purposes far better than not.
If this wasn't Shisui, then they might think that he had broken, and thus be less careful around him, or even cut to the chase.
If this really was Shisui…
His cousin was one of the few that Itachi had ever trusted enough to show his deeper emotions. His honest reaction solidified his cover if this was false, and was something he would have allowed anyway if this was true.
(Sometimes, Itachi wondered what it was like to not hide his suspicions with lies based on honesty, or half-truths, or outright bald-faced bullshit. It had been so long since he had had the luxury of a situation like that, where he could just be honest with no other intentions or plans or agendas to further, no underneath his underneath that Itachi wasn't sure he actually remembered how to just have a reaction without a voice in the back of his head comparing it to his cover. Sometimes, Itachi had to admit to himself that he was more than a little bit fucked up.)
"Kami above," Shisui breathed, his eyes widening in alarm as his normally stoic cousin went from crying silently to chuckling hysterically, the most disturbing part being how quiet he kept himself, unconsciously keeping himself from waking those sleeping (especially Sasuke, always Sasuke, Shisui knew that no matter how twisted up his cousin had become, Itachi would cheerfully cut out his own eyes if he thought Sasuke needed it).
Shisui reached out (slowly, so as not to startle him,) and pulled Itachi against his shoulder in an awkward embrace.
"Breathe, little cousin," Shisui whispered, using a term of endearment he hadn't used in years as he gently rocked Itachi against himself. "Breathe."
"Have I gone mad, Shisui?" Itachi asked him, in between gasping breaths. "Is this a dream? An illusion? None of it makes any sense. It's like I lived an entire life, and now I'm in someone else's. Some other Itachi's life…" Shisui felt Itachi suddenly stiffen.
An inkling of a thought had occurred to Itachi then. And like all inklings of thoughts that Itachi had, it took milliseconds for him to explore the idea in its entirety, compare it to his previously held hypotheses, and then reject or hold onto it based on the evidence he had available to him.
Shisui waited patiently as his cousin got distracted. Itachi had been acting particularly erratic since he had returned, and if he needed a moment to gather his thoughts, Shisui would give it to him.
Perhaps given a chance to gather his thoughts, Itachi would tell him something that would allow Shisui to help him.
Meanwhile, Itachi's brain practically buzzed with inadvertently realised implications. A stupid, impossible idea had occurred to him.
But as Itachi had learned, sometimes, the world did not make sense, because one did not have vital information.
And in a situation like that, the only thing one could do was be open to possibilities and new intelligence.
This was a mindset that had saved his life more than once, because it allowed Itachi to be infinitely adaptable despite his tendency towards carefully controlled logic.
(It was also a mindset that had occasionally got him into a great deal of trouble, but that was more because Itachi sometimes completely missed cues that an individual with a more normal upbringing might find obvious.)
Itachi had not often had time to read fiction when he was a child, but as a missing-nin, he had often had long periods with little or nothing to fill his time with except for training. Especially when his illness had begun to creep up on him, he had developed a more passive hobby to while away the time with, and that involved reading whatever books he could get his hands upon. Itachi preferred technical manuals and histories if given choice in reading material, but there had been that one time he had 'borrowed' a science-fiction novel from Tobi, which had included a number of short stories.
One of those stories had introduced the concept of alternate universes. 'If'-worlds. Worlds that were extremely similar to the known one, differing only after lynch-pin events had occurred.
What if…
What if…
It was a completely insane thought.
Itachi knew this. He knew it like he knew that all things considered, he was not exactly a good picture of mental health.
But Itachi realised that the more he considered it, the more it felt right.
It explained… everything. The hypothesis fit the facts as he knew them.
He had no idea of how this could have happened. He had no idea why this would have happened.
But all the same, Itachi suddenly realised, that this? This was the only explanation that made sense.
After all, once evidence had been collected, and other theories discarded, then the remaining explanation for the facts must be the best one available.
Somehow, he had taken over the life of another Itachi.
This wasn't his world.
"What is it, Itachi?" Shisui asked him, sounding worried, bringing Itachi back into the moment.
And Itachi realised then that he could never tell anyone of this theory, because then they would know he was mad, because there was no way to prove this something that he felt, gut-deep, was true. Not even his favourite cousin, who in this world (this new world, this second chance, ripe with possibilities), was alive.
For the first time, possibly in years, Itachi relaxed, resting his forehead against Shisui's shoulder.
"Shisui, I've been too full of hubris," he said slowly. "It must be that there's something or being out there that is stronger than a mere bearer of the Sharingan." Itachi, like all good liars, knew that the best lie was one with truth in it. If he wanted to avoid being declared mentally incompetent, then he was going to have to play this one carefully. "Because I feel like I've lived a whole other life." True. "Maybe I was an experiment." Potentially true in both worlds- he didn't know what had sent him here. "Maybe I was an accident." Potentially true. "Maybe I wasn't supposed to escape then." Definitely true, from Sound's perspective.
But when taken together? All of those sentences created the lie that Itachi was going to have to swear to until his deathbed, in front of all manner of concerned counsellors and interrogators.
(And what luck, his first counselling session was tomorrow. Itachi could now relax even more, because he finally had figured out the underneath of the underneath of his cover story – he was damaged, but going to be fine, and now Itachi had hope, dangerous hope that this might even be true.)
Oh, and doubles of his family members. They would be the ones watching him the closest. Itachi's cover was going to have to be perfect and in part, it was because he did not want them to worry.
(Second chance, second chance, Itachi was not going to waste this.)
Shisui patted his back awkwardly, but Itachi could feel the tension that his carefully chosen words were inciting.
"…I think I'm going to need some time off," Itachi admitted. Time to recuperate. Time to gather information, so he could pretend to be this other Itachi. Time to learn about why this world was so different from his, and to learn things that he needed to get right to ensure he didn't blow his cover.
And most importantly:
Time to regain the confidence that had no doubt been lost in how mentally competent he appeared, as no doubt he had appeared deranged over the last few days to these people.
"Yamanaka Tsubaki spoke to me," Shisui stated, and Itachi could hear the relief in his tone since Itachi had calmed again. (Yes, relax cousin/not-my-cousin-but-close-enough-I-don't-care-because-I-missed-you.) "She said that it was unlikely that you would be allowed back on duty until you had undergone months counselling and mandatory psych testing."
Itachi nodded against Shisui's shoulder, and then looked up into his cousin's face, a wry smile on his lips.
"That may be for the best," he allowed, and truly, he was not just saying that, for it dovetailed nicely with his freshly-made plans. "How long did she think it would take?"
Shisui shook his head. "She said considering the depth of your trauma," he said rather bluntly, "it would at least be six months before they would let you take the testing." He smiled suddenly, though his eyes remained concerned. "But just think, that way you know for sure that you'll be around when Sasuke graduates the Academy, since that's only about four and a half months away."
Well there was an unexpected and unlooked-for bonus.
Last time, he had missed that particular milestone event.
(And considering that even before, to get his father to Sasuke's acceptance ceremony, Itachi had needed to resort to being very blunt indeed to push a family member into acknowledging Sasuke on an occasion that he needed it, and after, Itachi had removed all chance of there being someone who might remember and be able to go… suffice to say, it would take a rather important emergency indeed to keep Itachi from attending Sasuke's graduation this time around in person, rather than with a meticulously henged kage-bunshin.)
This time…
Itachi's smile shifted from wry to slightly more genuine.
Shisui smirked. "See? This is how I know you're going to be alright. You're still Sasuke's overly-doting big brother." He stood, and offered Itachi a completely unnecessary hand up.
"Come on, little cousin. We both need some sleep. With luck, things will look clearer in the morning."
Itachi accepted the hand, and allowed Shisui to escort him back to his bedroom, not bothering to pretend that he didn't notice that as had happened the last few nights his cousin was making sure that was where he was actually going.
As Itachi laid back down and began to drift off to sleep though however, he had a dark thought.
Perhaps Shisui was correct in that Itachi would be alright, and more importantly, be able to convince others that he was so.
But there was one thing that Shisui had wrong.
Itachi might still dote over Sasuke, in any form.
But he knew that he wasn't the same brother.
Did it matter? Should it matter? Second chance, second chance, don't fuck it up this time.
These thoughts and others in a similar vein ran through Itachi's mind, but he squashed them ruthlessly.
Poorly-timed epiphany aside, this conversation was a test, to see if Shisui would keep his confidences, amongst other things. Itachi would have to wait and see what the outcome was.
It was then that he realised something that made his control over his already turbulent emotions (both real and exaggerated for Shisui's benefit – as usual, the best lies had a grounding of truth to them,) nearly slip.
Itachi had started to hope again.
And that terrified him.