WARNING CRACK TO FOLLOW!
A/N: Rejoice for I have had a relapse, fallen off the wagon and am doing joke crack once more. First off, thanks for all the favs and reviews. The List is my most faved story ever. Thanks for all the suggestions; I hope I can do then justice.
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Over the course of time legends grow and grow until they reach the boundaries of reason and sanity, pause for a moment to catch its breath, and then moves on to even more things that are so insane that they have to be true. Welcome to the zone where normal things don't happen very often. It is the Garrus Vakarian Zone!
Grey Warden and Alistar
*Every 5 seconds, somewhere in the universe, someone dies of Garrus Vakarian. (From King Under the Mountain)
*Only a Grey Warden can kill the Archdemon... well only a Grey Warden or Garrus Vakarian. (From Night Hunter MGS)
"Alistar, you must be seeing things. I know I didn't kill the Archdemon so it must have been you."
"Cousland, I'm telling you it wasn't me. All I saw was a tear in the Fade open for a split second and then the Archdemon fell over dead with this hole in its head."
Meanwhile back on the Normandy.
"What just happened?"
"Mr. Vakarian's shot seems to have opened and gone through an inter dimensional portal."
"Thanks EDI."
"Does that mean that Garrus just missed the target?"
"Negative. Vakarian Garrus never misses a target." Legion cut in before anyone could say something otherwise.
Night Hunter MGS
Liara and Shepard with a Tali cameo (LOTSB Spoiler Warning)
*The Illusive Man didn't spend 4 billion credits to bring back Shepard to have her fight the Reapers, he brought her back so she could get Garrus Vakarian to fight the Reapers. (From Night Hunter MGS)
*Garrus Vakarian isn't fighting the Reapers, "fighting" implies that they have a chance. (From Night Hunter MGS)
"Jane dear, I have some interesting information I found in the Shadow Broker's archives you'd like to see."
Jane put down the book she was reading and headed over to Liara's desk. Even in her bedroom Liara still worked on running her new organization and learning about the extent of its reach.
"Here you go Jane. They pertain to our mutual friend Garrus."
Jane browsed over the pads that Liara handed her and had to resist the urge to facepalm. There was no way this could be a real file. Certainly not if these really were Cerberus files. Maybe Liara was playing a joke on her. Unlikely but it was a possibility.
"You sure these are real Liara. They just sound like something from that little list the crew started a few months ago. Personally I think it's an extranet fad going too far personally. I mean there is no way that Cerberus would spend all that money on resurrecting me if they just needed someone to talk to Garrus into fighting the Reapers."
"Well, Ashley was never that close to Garrus and Tali and I are aliens. I think they figured as his former commander you could get Garrus to do it. Besides, I would put some stock in them Jane. I've done some of my own research into that list and I have found nothing to contradict the lists claims."
This time Jane did facepalm. It seems that Liara had also fallen under the sway of the list.
On the Normandy Tali was looking at a small display in her engineering console and trying very hard not to laugh. Liara had played her part perfectly. Kelly had been right, April Fool's Day is a fun holiday.
Garrus and Reaper, in Vegas.
*Garrus Vakarian isn't fighting the Reapers, "fighting" implies that they have a chance. (From Night Hunter MGS)
"In this corner, weighing in at several thousand Metric tons, wearing the black and white trunks, The Reaper!"
The Reaper waved to the crowd and basked in the cheers. The bookies had put him down as the favorite with odds of 200 to 1 for his unnamed opponent. Rumor had it that they were having a hard time filling the slot to get someone to fight against him.
"And the Reaper's opponent, weighing in at 70 kilos, wearing the blue and light blue trunks, Garrus Vakarian!"
There was stunned silence for a moment. Above the crowd on the big screen new odds were put up on the broad. Now the odds of the Reaper winning were 1 to infinity. As one the crowd whipped out their cell phones and changed their bets over to Garrus. Seeing this, the Reaper talked to his corner man, who then threw in the towel. After all the Reaper had heard what happened to the last Reaper to fight Garrus, and that Reaper had been using guns. Imagine what Garrus could do with just his fists.
Fangirls in a reverse chronological joke
*The massacre on Torfan occurred because one of Garrus Varkarian's fangirls overheard the pirates describe him as 'ugly'. (From Night Hunter MGS)
A group of rabid fans stood over the smoldering remains of a pirate base on Torfan. This never would have happened if the silly pirates had just listened to what happened when Garrus let himself get shot by that gunship on Omega. A hoard of fangirls had utterly destroyed that gunship. And then a pirate had the gall to say that those scars made Garrus "ugly." They learned their lesson. Don't fuck with Garrus Vakarian… fangirls.
Saren during a script rehearsal
*Saren didn't commit suicide, his gun fired by itself because Garrus promised to calibrate it if it did. (From Night Hunter MGS)
"Wait wait wait. You are telling me that I kill myself not because of Shepard's speech but because my own pistol wanted to get a calibration from Garrus?
"We ran a couple of polls and people actually like that reason better than the cliché speech from the good guy makes the bad guy see the error of their ways and commits suicide to atone. You have to admit this is new and original writing."
"You have a point there."
A/N: There you go. 4 pages of crack. I have enough material to do another chapter so that will be coming soon. A huge thanks to Night Hunter MGS provided a lot of the material for this chapter as you can see.